Just found some porn and feeling numb - help please

[changedchanged]

Am a regular but obviously not under this name.

Am feeling like a good cry but can't as young DC around so hoping someone can help. DH is a general good guy, works hard, good dad, good husband, reliable, kind, thoughtful, etc. Years ago I found 'evidence' of him looking at some porn on the pc. I flipped (partly because he's not that computer savvy and had left the evidence in the browsing history, so it could have accidentally been clicked on by the dcs). I freaked out, he was very sorry and upset for hurting me, and promised not to use our pc for looking at that kind of thing again. I'm pretty sure he hasn't as I programme computers so he would be hard pressed to keep it from me.

The subject hasn't really come up since, and I think at the time I maybe made it seem that I was upset about the fact that our DCs could have seen it, and not that I find porn offensive. But I do. I don't really know the ins and outs of the politics on the subject, but I know that porn images make me feel sick, inadequate and very sad for our DDs that this is part of the world they are growing up into. I'm sure DH does know how I feel, we've been together a long time and I've made comments about it before.

Anyway just now I was looking through the 'bills' drawer in his office for something and I found a stash of a load of porno mags at the bottom. They are hard core stuff, full on everything. All straight sex between adults, but very full on. One of them is about anal - very graphically.

I've stuffed them back in the drawer but I feel sick and numb and like crying all at the same time. He is a good man and I love him. But I feel so upset. Why would he go behind my back and buy these things? Am I completely wrong about thinking he's a good man if he can enjoy this kind of shit?

Don't know what to do. Please somebody talk to me.

[ZZZenAgain]

uff

well wait

how about you tell him that you have found them, that you are very very upset and could he stay somewhere else please for a couple of days whilst you try and sort out how you feel about things because it is a big issue and a serious problem for you?

don't go further than you really want to IYSWIM on the basis of how this is affecting you right now is what I am somehow trying to say. Probably I am not saying it well

[jenny60]

Oh no. Just saw your last post. That is worse and if it were me, I would not want a man who gets off on images of very young girls in my house. I'm sorry and you should not feel ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. What a pig.

[AMumInScotland]

No it doesn't sicken me, because

1 - they are legal - I'm sure they couldn't sell it as openly as they do if they couldn't prove the girls were old enough

2 - men are primed to respond to what women look like from the time they are through puberty onwards. Society has decided that from then to 16 they are off limits, and decent men will respect that because they know it is unacceptable. But to react to girls who have passed puberty is pretty much hard-wired into male sexuality. That doesn't mean he would have sex with them, or that he feels any attraction to children.

[jenny60]

AMum do you know that the props in Barely legal consist of thinks like lollypops, schools bags and teddy bears? This hinst at girls below 16, espeiclaly when they are dressedd in school uniforms, shaved, very skinny and sucking sweets. Whether the women in those films are under 18 or not doesn't make the fact that they are appelaing to men who get off on watching images of very young girls.

Barelylegal: think about it. The clue's in the title.

You

[jenny60]

sorry: new phone

[changedchanged]

Exactly Jenny. And it's not just that. I accept that these girls are probably 'legal' but the mag has clearly gone out of it's way to find girls who look much younger than they are. I would assume some of them were about 13/14 if I didn't know.

This has made me feel so sick I have just lost my lunch down the loo. Sorry TMI.

[jenny60]

changed

[mayorquimby]

Yes but jenny the thing is there is the fantasy element. Because the men know they are legal etc. but the porn is marketed to appeal to the developmental part of life where people come of age and discover their sexuality. It allows them to do it in a safe-way. This is not a comment on the op's relationship etc, just simply a point that I don't believe that having adults dress in school-girl outfits/ stereotypical teenage scenarios does not mean that the person viewing actively wants to fuck underage kids. Just look at the popularity of the school disco phase/ the role play that many couples (way past the age of consent) engage in which is based around pubescent fantasies.

[changedchanged]

jenny I've started a new thread on the Feminism section so I'm leaving this one. Thanks.

[Zanette]

Changed, I am really sorry that you have to deal with this.

Myself, I'm not too bothered about pornography, as long as my DP doesn't watch it on the tv or internet when I'm about and I'll admit to looking occassionaly when DP is away or not about to help me out.

But your feelings are valid and if you are offended, then it's important that you discuss this with your husband. Whilst you can't control his thoughts or fantasies you can let him know what you absolutely cannot stand. Maybe there is a compromise such as....can have soft porn but not anal or can have harder porn but not barely legal type stuff. I'm not sure you can forbid someone to look or think pornographic images. If you have DC, then certainly anything in the house has to be very well hidden away.

Alot of men do use porn. It's just a way to help them get off, it's not necessarily a reflection of what they'd actually want to do. It's like fantasy land on paper (in the case of the mags). We all fantasise and one of the things I think of, I'd never want to do it real life

Try and be calm. They are wank fodder and are no reflection of you or they type of man he is. He's still the same man you packed off to work this morning.

[jenny60]

mayor would that argument apply to someone who liked to watch child pornography: it's ok because it's only a fantasy and they wouldn't really want to fuck small children anyway? Oh wait, Barelylegal is all about small children. The idea that creating a 'safe' place for men to have fantasies about children is just What person, especially a father, would want to watch that?

A lot of it, by the way, does not show images of 'the developmental part of life where people come of age and discover their sexuality'. It's about creating images of small children. I find the idea that it's wrong to watch child pornography but ok to look at something that is made to look like child pornography just sick.

[UnhappyLizzie]

I agree with MuminScotland that men are hardwired to respond to post-pubertal girls. It's not the same as paedophilia. But I can see how upsetting and disturbing OP might find it. I think I'd struggle as well. The porn I found on our computer was all Oriental women with no pubic hair who looked pretty young, though not under 16.

I have to say it threw me at the time, but what upset me most was that it was sat on desktop where DC could have found it.

All I would say, OP, is try not to react in a way you might regret later. However you feel now try to have a rational conversation where you state your feelings clearly rather than just freak out or ask him to leave. You sound like you basically have a good marriage, a nice family and a lot of love between you.

See what he has to say and don't let anything on here upset you more than you are already. These things are very personal x

[mayorquimby]

No because they are watching actual children getting fucked and being abused. This man is watching consenting adults acting out pubescent/teenage roles for fantasy in the knowledge that they are adults.
The idea is a way of allowing people to explore/reminisce about their early sexuality with other consenting adults in a way which brings harm to no children.

[strawberryjelly]

changed if porn includes children, which is illegal, then yes that would worry me but only from the point of view that it was paedophilia.

When I first met DH 30 years ago he had porn/ girlie mags in his wardrobe- it didn't bother me at all- some mate had passed them on to him.

I view men watching or looking at porn as completely natural unless it's an addiction which takes over having sex with their partners or it involves children.

I know you are feeling emotional but I wonder why you are reacting like this?

can you see how another woman might have found it and simply thought "Oh well, that's men for you...he obviously didn't want to tell me...."

It has nothing to do with how he sees you, your sex life or his respect for women, I'm sure.

Are you open about sex with each other anyway? do you talk frankly about sex or is it all hush-hush?

[strawberryjelly]

unhappylizzie you will find that all women in porn films have no pubic hair- and most men too- they remove it.

OP- if you can bear to I'd suggest you look at Pornhub.com- it will show you what is mainstream and available to anyone on the web.

This might give you a broader perspective of it.

[jenny60]

OMG: after all this, you are telling her to look at a porn site. She doesn't like porn.
mayor: 'The idea is a way of allowing people to explore/reminisce about their early sexuality with other consenting adults in a way which brings harm to no children'
Actually, no, it's not; early sexuality does not usually involve teddy bears and lollypops. This stuff is expliclity about very young children, at least some I have seen is. This is pandering to fantasies about young children. If men wanted to see very young women they could look at all sorts of porn: this is, as it says on the tin, barely legal; in other words, just shy of being illegal, child porn.

Would you be ok if you knew a teacher or someone who is looking to adopt or foster was into this stuff as it's legal and just a harmless fantasy and all?

[boodles]

"can you see how another woman might have found it and simply thought "Oh well, that's men for you...he obviously didn't want to tell me...."

Just because another woman may have reacted that way does not mean that every woman should react this way and that this way is the correct way.

I don't get people. Just because SOME people like porn doesn't mean every one has to. Just because some people don't mind their partners looking at porn doesn't mean we all have to. Why do people seem to want to impose their views on others all the time and, at the same time, invalidate their feelings. If you don't mind porn or your OH looking at it then good for YOU, that is YOUR choice, remember you only make the choice of what is right for YOU not the rest of us.

[Bennifer]

No doubt over in Feminism the OP will be told he's an evil man who should be castrated. Actually relationships will give the OP a fairly balanced view.

[jenny60]

Yes, bennifer, that's a very balanced view of the feminism section for a start

[strawberryjelly]

boodles and jenny I don't like porn- if you rread my post you would see I said that clearly.

What I am trying to do- and you seem to be missing this entirely- is trying to give the OP some perspective on it.

Because her reaction is as if she has never ever seen porn before and therefore thinks her DH's behaviour is outrageous.

As for the query would a teacher or someone who was trying to adopt watch it- well that is completely irrelevant. I am an ex teacher, I know loads of teachers and yes they watch mainstream porn. They are not however paedophiles.

[boodles]

"Because her reaction is as if she has never ever seen porn before and therefore thinks her DH's behaviour is outrageous."

I have seen porn before, and as I explained earlier in the thread, very early in our relationship OH and I spoke about how I dislike porn and would never accept it and if that isn't ok then he needs to let me know. So he is fully aware of my feelings and if I then found porn mags I would also find my ohs behaviour outrageous.

[Al0uiseG]

Well said StrawberryJelly. I fear the one thing she won't get on the feminism boards is a balanced perspective. Sometimes its best just to take advice from people who dont necessarily have a drum to bang.

I have a certain admiration for parts of the feminism boards but i fear that they are idealists as opposed to realists.

I actually feel a bit sorry for her DH.

[Bennifer]

Jenny60,

Maybe a bit strong, but on relationships, you are going to get a lot more balanced view on porn and its use. Going to feminism and posting about porn is going to lead to responses along one fairly narrow (not necessarily wrong) line.

[jenny60]

Strawberry: I am talking about barelylegal, not mainstreem porn. Do you think it is ok for teachers to watch that?

Whether she has seen porn before or not is not the point. Don't patronise her by telling her she might need perspective. Perhaps, like me and a lot of other intelligent women, she has seen porn and has made an informed decision about it.

I am an intelligent, professional woman who has lived a bit, and I would also be shocked and furious if I found that my DH looked at this stuff.

[Ambers123]

They are right it is just fantasy, no way connected to you if you can just get your head round that , I know it aint easy, but then you might realise he is not doing anything , any other male on the planet does.