Just found some porn and feeling numb - help please

[changedchanged]

Am a regular but obviously not under this name.

Am feeling like a good cry but can't as young DC around so hoping someone can help. DH is a general good guy, works hard, good dad, good husband, reliable, kind, thoughtful, etc. Years ago I found 'evidence' of him looking at some porn on the pc. I flipped (partly because he's not that computer savvy and had left the evidence in the browsing history, so it could have accidentally been clicked on by the dcs). I freaked out, he was very sorry and upset for hurting me, and promised not to use our pc for looking at that kind of thing again. I'm pretty sure he hasn't as I programme computers so he would be hard pressed to keep it from me.

The subject hasn't really come up since, and I think at the time I maybe made it seem that I was upset about the fact that our DCs could have seen it, and not that I find porn offensive. But I do. I don't really know the ins and outs of the politics on the subject, but I know that porn images make me feel sick, inadequate and very sad for our DDs that this is part of the world they are growing up into. I'm sure DH does know how I feel, we've been together a long time and I've made comments about it before.

Anyway just now I was looking through the 'bills' drawer in his office for something and I found a stash of a load of porno mags at the bottom. They are hard core stuff, full on everything. All straight sex between adults, but very full on. One of them is about anal - very graphically.

I've stuffed them back in the drawer but I feel sick and numb and like crying all at the same time. He is a good man and I love him. But I feel so upset. Why would he go behind my back and buy these things? Am I completely wrong about thinking he's a good man if he can enjoy this kind of shit?

Don't know what to do. Please somebody talk to me.

[boodles]

"I don't get people. Just because SOME people like porn doesn't mean every one has to. Just because some people don't mind their partners looking at porn doesn't mean we all have to. Why do people seem to want to impose their views on others all the time and, at the same time, invalidate their feelings. If you don't mind porn or your OH looking at it then good for YOU, that is YOUR choice, remember you only make the choice of what is right for YOU not the rest of us.

Surely you could easily replace that with just because some people don't like porn doesn't mean that everyone shouldn't like porn etc etc

I am just confused as to why one persons views should hold more sway than the others view

I am not trying to be antagonistic, but surely in a relationship things need to compromised in some way. One person cannot dictate the "Law"."

I didn't dictate the 'law' to my OH, I explained my feelings and how I could never find it acceptable before we got married so he was aware of how I felt and could be fully aware of my feelings and decide if that was something he could live with. We also discussed many other things before we got married, there were things that if I did it would upset him and so we could go into our marriage being fully aware of what the other one was like. Because of our mutual respect for each other we would never do something that the other one would find upsetting. For me there is no compromise on that issue and so that is why I was open and communicated that so my OH could decide if he was willing to stop (he was a single bloke before we met so he did use it occasionally) it was never an issue, I didn't have to lay down any 'law', he wasn't bothered and happily threw away his one and only porn mag.

[WellIShouldNever]

YOu feel shit because of your hang ups. It is healthy for men & women to have give themselves a "treat". Don't look at it as a reflection on you, because IT IS NOT. Maybe partners use porn secertly, because they know there sex drive is diff to the partners, adn rather than "hassle" them for a quickie, it's easier to do it yourself!! Maybe take some time for yourself, you might enjoy it.

[Saffysmum]

When my daughter experienced her father's disgusting use of porn on the family computer, it woke me up big time and was all I needed to throw him out. After years of putting up with him treating me badly, a line was crossed and there was no going back. I am divorcing him, but because of what happened to DD and his reaction to her discovery, it means that I will never have an ounce of respect for him, that my skin crawls when I see him, and that I will never, ever be friends with a man who has done this. I will never forgive him. It's done irretrievable damage. My dd is doing well (thanks for your kind comments) and seems to be moving on and recovering. But as her mum and his wife, I never will forgive him. I've turned the anger towards him into getting the best divorce settlement for the kids that I can!! I guess I'm saying all this on this thread because I want it made clear that porn can seriously damage lives - not just those of the exploited "porn stars" but the families of the sad men addicted to it.

[shesgotherlipstickon]

SJ, I'm only 30. I remember when porn was relatively soft, Bj's standard sex etc, etc,

There was a famous comedian, who did a joke on porn, one male and female having sex, who thought of that?

Mainstream porn now is, multiples of men fucking every orifice, 2 up the anus. You can see the women wincing in pain.

You can see they haven't chosen to do it, the strangulation, the humiliation, the bj's until you puke into your own eyes.

This is all MAINSTREAM, I know you can get some "organic" porn, where everyone is ok and you save the bunnies in the meantime.

But go onto a mainstream porn site, you'll find most of it absolutely sickening. I worry for my 3ds and my one dd, that they will grow up thinking this is the norm, as it's on the mainstream porn sights. It's shocking.

[CheerfulYank]

Yeah, watching porn together...how odd. Do they talk about? Like "oh this is a good scene...got a semi now...ooh-ho, there it is! Mind if I pop in and "use" your bathroom? Wink, wink..."

[hellymelly]

I am shocked at the number of women on this thread who wouldn't be bothered by this. I would be devastated if this was my DH. I would find it very difficult to get over. I hate porn and I couldn't be with a man who was continuing to use it,i would have grave doubs about how he really felt about women.

[maleview70]

The weirdest thing in this whole thread is the idea of 6 30 odd year old men meeting up and watching porn together.

I have watched porn. All my mates have watched porn. We have never watched porn together. Very strange.

Going back to the OP rather than get into the same old debate that comes up on here virtually every week about the rights and wrongs of porn, You need to make it clear that you dont really like any porn and would be happier if he didnt use it.

[Malificence]

Oh my god Saffysmum, any man with a teenage daughter who can use this disgusting shit is sick in the head, it demonstrates perfectly the lack of respect for women that men like him have. Your poor daughter, I think I would have killed him.

[CheerfulYank]

Saffysmum how awful for your DD. I'm sorry.

[CheerfulYank]

But if, as most people who use porn say it is, it "isn't a big deal" and it makes your partner so upset and uncomfortable, why do it? If it's "just a bit of fun" and "you can stop whenever you want" then out of respect for your partner, just don't.

My DH hates it when I rinse the dog bowl in the kitchen sink. (Germ issues.) I think it's ridiculous, but it truly bothers him. I don't do it. Stupid analogy, maybe but there you are.

Strawberryjelly watch Hardcore.

[strawberryjelly]

well out of sheer curiosity I'd like someone to tell me or show me real evidence that women who are porn actresses are being coerced. if I've got to 50+ and not come across the evidence-( and Ihave not lived a sheltered life, believe me- show me- quite happy to back down.

I have seen male porn stars interviewed on TV and they are often students or even graduates who simply want to earn some money.

[UnhappyLizzie]

Ok, Tigerbomb, if one person's views shouldn't hold more sway than any other's view, whose view should win if a woman doesn't like her husband using porn, but the man likes using it? I suspect you'll be on the side of the woman, but you say one person cannot dictate the 'Law'.

[Tigerbomb]

I don't get people. Just because SOME people like porn doesn't mean every one has to. Just because some people don't mind their partners looking at porn doesn't mean we all have to. Why do people seem to want to impose their views on others all the time and, at the same time, invalidate their feelings. If you don't mind porn or your OH looking at it then good for YOU, that is YOUR choice, remember you only make the choice of what is right for YOU not the rest of us.

Surely you could easily replace that with just because some people don't like porn doesn't mean that everyone shouldn't like porn etc etc

I am just confused as to why one persons views should hold more sway than the others view

I am not trying to be antagonistic, but surely in a relationship things need to compromised in some way. One person cannot dictate the "Law".

[Saffysmum]

I threw my husband out after 22 years of marriage in April. He had previously told me he no longer loved me; would leave me as soon as he found somewhere else to live - probably July - and had treated me like dirt on his shoe. He had been totally unsupportive, caring or demonstrative for two years.

My teenage daughter found an open link on the family computer that had teen anal porn on it. She kept this secret (after confronting him, and being told that "all men do it") for two weeks from me. She told me, in floods of tears, apologising for upsetting me with the news. She said she felt uncomfortable around her dad, that she didn't want her friends around the house anymore. She would never wear short skirts around him, or lay around in her nightie anymore.

I threw him out shortly afterwards.

Guess what is No. 1 on the grounds for unreasonable behaviour in the divorce? I gave a list of over 20 incidents to my solicitor, but she zoomed in on the above.

Daughter's receiving counselling.

Her relationship with her dad is damaged. Possibly beyond compare. I kick myself everyday that I didn't throw him out before she found what she saw on the family computer. Part of my loathes myself for not seeing what was under my nose.

Putting aside this huge, horrible issue, is the fact that I felt many emotions, after doing a search on the computer, and seeing the chat rooms/forums/ and kind of stuff viewed. I felt terribly sorry for the poor exploited teenage girls. I felt devalued as a woman, and felt that our (up until two years ago) healthy sex life was a total sham. I felt that the man I had slept with for most of my life was a stranger. And I felt despair for my daughter.

OP - I understand completely your concern. It doesn't need validating.

[Malificence]

Drug use and STDs are the norm for the adult entertainment industry, as is grooming the young women by saying that they have full autonomy over what they will do sexually, then making it all but impossible for them to say no to having a penis in every orifice and someone ejaculating over their face.

Anyone who thinks that porn is not coercive by nature needs to watch the Felicity/Hardcore documentary. If you can stomach mainstream porn after watching that then there's something wrong with you.

There is a tiny corner of porn that is fully consensual and free from coercion but you have to know what you are looking for, if all porn was like that then I wouldn't have such a problem with it.

[CheerfulYank]

Actually I think that yes, more than you'd think are being "forced" to do porn fims. Or they've been so beaten down by life/abuse that they feel they're not worth more than getting their asses stitched up every week or so because they're torn from anal gangbangs. Or they have nasty drug habits to get away from the reality of what they do, and then they've no money to feed their drug habit, so they do "film work", the degradation of which requires more drugs....

Or they've been hooking since they were thirteen anyway and don't know any different. Or they've been taught that as women their highest worth is how sexy and hot they can act.

[shesgotherlipstickon]

Yes sj you are being very naive.

[strawberryjelly]

BoodlesBecause I hate the whole sex industry and what it does to women.

call me naive but- no one is forcing women to take part in porn films.

Aren't women in control really? they are being paid and men pay towatch it?

[CheerfulYank]

I was going to namechange for this, but fuck it.

I don't like porn. I don't want DH watching it. I think the entire industry is extraordinarily degrading and leads to the objectification of women. I think that there are children stumbling onto it at younger and younger ages, before they've actually had sexual experiences of their own. Young boys are growing up thinking that these are normal sexual things to expect from their partners, and young girls are growing up thinking that they will be expected to do those things.

I think it puts forth the image that women are always "up for it" so if a woman is unsure or too drunk to say no, well, she always means yes anyway, doesn't she, so it's okay to coerce or rape her while she's too out of it to give consent.

DH watched it and looked at mags, etc, before we were married. I was okay with it then. I feel differently now. I saw he was doing it not that long ago and was really upset. We watched Hardcore together and were both very upset by it.

I told him that I'm not okay with it at all and if I saw that he was doing it again it'd be a serious issue.

OP I don't think that you're being unreasonable at all.

[boodles]

boodles can i ask you why you asked your DH not to watch porn etc? Why did you feel that your feelings over it should be more important than his? did you see it as some slur on your feminity or your relationship?

Because I hate the whole sex industry and what it does to women. Also the thought of my OH sitting on his own in a room wanking over some filthy pictures of other women doesn't fill me with delight. I didn't at any time think my feelings were more important than his (over this or any issue) we are a very strong couple (married 12 years now with three children) and our communication has always been our strong point and that both our opinions are equally heard and respected. We discussed it, my OH was never a big user (infact he only had one mag which he had for about 6 years, which I know is true because I helped him clear out his room and found it, he was a little embarressed as he had forgotten to chuck it, if he had had a huge stash I would have seen it then) and so, for him it was never a real issue as it wasn't something he really used very often anyway.

[strawberryjelly]

jenny- you can only vet people according to what they have done and is visible. CRB vetting picks up cautions and offences. I know as I have been CRB checked all my working life since it was mandatory for people in education.
Unless they were to take away the hard drives of teachers or potential adopters, and examine them- which maybe they do- I don't know- how would anyone know?

I think you have moved the topic way off the original point made my the OP. If you want to start another thread on who should be "allowed" to use porn, that is hard porn, then do so-- I don't go for this "barely legal" as it's meaningless- it's either legal or it isn't.

[jenny60]

Yes, I am aware of that strawberry but I'm not sure what your point is.

[jenny60]

I also asked about potential foster parents and adopters because they, along with teachers, were the examples I could think of at the time of people who have the closest relationships with children and are vetted. And I repeat, I was talking about barelylegal, a particular genre of porn, not all porn.

I know what I said and I certainly didn't infer what you insist I did.

[strawberryjelly]

Another point jenny is that if you were not aware already- teachers do think of their female students in a sexual way. In fact when i was at school myself a pupil married a teacher after she had left!

But that is not paedophilia is it?