Just found some porn and feeling numb - help please

[changedchanged]

Am a regular but obviously not under this name.

Am feeling like a good cry but can't as young DC around so hoping someone can help. DH is a general good guy, works hard, good dad, good husband, reliable, kind, thoughtful, etc. Years ago I found 'evidence' of him looking at some porn on the pc. I flipped (partly because he's not that computer savvy and had left the evidence in the browsing history, so it could have accidentally been clicked on by the dcs). I freaked out, he was very sorry and upset for hurting me, and promised not to use our pc for looking at that kind of thing again. I'm pretty sure he hasn't as I programme computers so he would be hard pressed to keep it from me.

The subject hasn't really come up since, and I think at the time I maybe made it seem that I was upset about the fact that our DCs could have seen it, and not that I find porn offensive. But I do. I don't really know the ins and outs of the politics on the subject, but I know that porn images make me feel sick, inadequate and very sad for our DDs that this is part of the world they are growing up into. I'm sure DH does know how I feel, we've been together a long time and I've made comments about it before.

Anyway just now I was looking through the 'bills' drawer in his office for something and I found a stash of a load of porno mags at the bottom. They are hard core stuff, full on everything. All straight sex between adults, but very full on. One of them is about anal - very graphically.

I've stuffed them back in the drawer but I feel sick and numb and like crying all at the same time. He is a good man and I love him. But I feel so upset. Why would he go behind my back and buy these things? Am I completely wrong about thinking he's a good man if he can enjoy this kind of shit?

Don't know what to do. Please somebody talk to me.

[Al0uiseG]

If he has those sort of fantasies he's not going to tell her is he?! Unless he wants to frighten her off.

[Tortington]

mal, i love you, you little strawberry delight you

[Solidarity]

Lol Mal -

[Malificence]

If you can't tell the person you are having sex with what your deepest, darkest fantasies are, there's something wrong with your relationship.

[AMumInScotland]

Mal - so, do you think I have no right to keep any fantasies of my own private from my husband then? Does he have an automatic right to know everything that goes on inside my head so that he can decide whether or not it is acceptable?

You see, such total honesty would have to go both ways, and personally, I'm not prepared to be as honest as that in every detail and on every occasion.

If the partner was doing it on webcams, or anywhere else public, then that would be different. But what's between me, my imagination, and my own hands, is private, IMHO.

[Solidarity]

Mal - what I fantasise about is entirely my business - And I know my dh would agree with me.

[glitterkitty]

I think most people would agree its great to be able to tell your partner everything you might want to about your personal fantasies.

But when it becomes a 'have to' then IMO thats different.

[Apocalypto]

@ Malificence

I had an ex once who was seriously into being spanked. It had to be painfully hard, bare arse, take a good half an hour and accompanied by hair pulling etc.

It was impossible, and it felt stupid and unpleasant, at best faintly laughable. This reaction was not well received.

So supposing your OH announces a similar interest, in the interests of sharing, and you're appalled. No way will you submit to a spanking. Or to anal. Or do him a Rusty Trombone. Or go blonde.

Or whatever it is he's just developed an interest in that you dislike.

What do you do now? Presumably it's a choice between

1 flat out refuse to believe he's only just discovered this interest, and accuse him accordingly
2 express surprise you'd never heard of this before, clench your teeth and buttocks, and go along with it
3 tell him that for the whole of the rest of his life it is never going to happen, sicko. And assume he'll meekly accept this
4 let him beat discreetly off over the appropriate porn and only bother you for the normal stuff.

You'd be a 3 I'm guessing, but domestic harmony points towards 4 with, optionally, a 2 now and then, maybe on his birthday and on Father's Day. His options, presumably, are to await your decision, or...er...

[schmarn]

Maleficence, while I'm sure there are men who don't masturbate on their own, the vast majority of them do. Not necessarily often but occasionally at least. Just because one's husband, when asked, will say that he doesn't masturbate, it doesn't mean that he is telling the truth. He is simply smart enough to know that there is no point in answering the question honestly as your own reaction proves.

Male chastity devices? I assume you are joking. If not, which part of the third world do you live in?

[changedchanged]

Thanks for all the replies. The issue for me isn't privacy really - it's more that he gets off on something I find so disgusting that I can't get my head around. I'm going to sound really naive here I know, but how can somebody who is so lovely day to do in every way want to sneak off and get off looking at some woman pretending to enjoy having things shoved into every orafice (sorry if TMI). To me the two things don't go together. I find it immature, mysoginistic and a bit twisted. That's what's making me so sad.

[Solidarity]

I'd deffo go with 4)

[changedchanged]

And by immature I mean I've always imagined that teenage boys go through a phase of wanting to look at that kind of stuff - but the majority (or the decent ones) then grow up.

God I sound stupid.

[ZZZenAgain]

no you don't. Wait till the shock has subsided a bit and give it some thought. Then maybe try and find out what it is all about. Just ask him.

Who cares whether other people think it is fine or normal or great even? It's your dh and your feelings and your life. I don't know how you can effectively prevent him from using it if this is what he is used to doing/enjoys doing. He is always going to find a time/place if you think about it...

If you want to bring it up, do and listen but I odn't know what the answer is for you in this.

[UnhappyLizzie]

Think this thread's gone a bit awry. All I can say is, Mal, your dh's 'deepest, darkest' fantasies must be pretty tame! Given that you think you 'own' him, it's hard to imagine you'd tolerate any interesting ones.

'Everyone has the absolute right to know about their partners interests so they can make an informed choice as to whether they accept what their partner is into or not.'

Er, not they don't. The idea that you want to somehow censor someone's thoughts after they've held them up for your approval is awful!

Also just because someone has fantasies doesn't mean they want to act them out, with their partner or anyone else.

The fact that you've explored 'on the internet 'male chastity devices' that stop them from masturbating is a bit disturbing too, IMO! Are these for real or did you find them on the website of a Victorian museum?

Back to OP, anyway. No-one should tell her to just 'get over it', she can't help how she feels. It's a visceral reaction. Lots of women feel a bit degraded by porn in general, others enjoy it.

However, telling her husband how she feels, that she she doesn't like it, doesn't want to find it, is absolutely justifiable. He's very very unlikely to stop using it; he likes it.

Not disregarding her feelings at all, but maybe telling her that lots of us find it OK may help her feel a bit less insulted and upset. Hope so anyway.

[Malificence]

You really are ignorant Schmarn.

Where have I said I disapprove of masturbation?

I happen to love it, solo, mutual, it's all good and I wouldn't care a jot if my husband wanted to go solo , in fact it would have made collecting semen samples after his vasectomy a few years ago much easier. He doesn't wank, can I put it any plainer than that? We don't go in for chastity play and I don't keep him locked up either.

[UnhappyLizzie]

Changed, just read your latest post. Try not to be sad, he is that lovely man you know. He loves you, your children, love and sex with you. But variety is the spice of life and there are things that happen in his imagination.

He likely looked at this kind of stuff before he met you, it's a habit he enjoys.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel about it, tell him that he must keep it out of your way.

He'll probably be mortified you found his mags, and really sorry you're upset.

I'm sure he sees it as completely separate from your relationship and I hope you can try and do this too. He probably sees it as so separate he'll struggle to understand why you are upset.

I think he sounds like a normal nice man, honestly.

[Apocalypto]

I have more bad news for you, cc. Your DH almost certainly defecates.

It's disgusting and shameful, and thank God he does it behind closed doors, but nonetheless you feel betrayed that he does this filthy thing and isn't the man you thought he was etc etc.

For blokes, I fear that getting off need not necessarily be that much different to other bodily functions like farting and crapping. He scratches the itch, then moves on. It's just the way almost all men are. All of them. Some look at filth every single day, others 3 times a year when they're bored.

Almost all blokes seem to be keen on anal. I reckon it's because men routinely see a lot, lot more of women's bumholes than the reverse. He gets a completely candid view of your bumhole if he 69s you or takes you from behind, for example, whereas you'd have to go out of your way to check out his.

This being so, he adjusts to the sight of women's arseholes, or he'd better do if he's going to do sex with any women. Eventually he starts thinking they look rather inviting, and from there to backdoor banditry isn't quite the mental leap you might think.

[AliceWhirledSupportsTheStrike]

OP - you don't sound stupid to me. The feelings you have are just as valid as anyone else's. FWIW I agree with you. But it's your relationship so you need to work out what sounds right for you. Do you know what you want to do?

[changedchanged]

I haven't got a clue what to do. I will talk to him about it, but part of me thinks it's just going over old group. He will hardly be shocked that I don't agree with porn. So he will be sorry, be really nice to me to make up for it, then probably promise me all sorts of bullshit and just find a new hiding place

I know it's hardly grounds for divorce, and I love him too much anyway, but doesn't mean I don't feel shit about it.

[schmarn]

Mal, you said "Masturbation is part of your joint sex life" which most people would take to mean that it must be done jointly, ie with your partner present. You've backtracked on that to say that it's ok for your husband to wank on his own but he has to disclose to you what he is going to fantasise about while masturbating. No doubt he tells you that he is only thinking about you and his favourite sports team winning a trophy.

It's a novel approach but if it works for you both, I'm happy for you.

[cybboid]

Apocalypto and UnhappyLizzie what good advice

And how refreshing this thread hasnt turned into the same old porn/anti porn debarcle

[AliceWhirledSupportsTheStrike]

Do you think it would help to show him why you don't like it? As in there's documentaries, books etc that chime with the way you are talking about it. It's often so normalised, that he might not know what makes you think that way. I dunno, it's a suggestion, but only you know your relationship.

Really feeling for you with this, and then what's resulted here.

[schmarn]

As for the OP's post on porn, I entirely understand and I just think you need to talk to him about it. If he sees how much this upsets you he should give it up. Most porn users are casual users who would be able to give it up. If he can't give it up then that suggests to me that he has an addiction problem.

[strawberryjelly]

OP why are you so upset?

Anyone can see all kinds of porn on the web, free.

anal, oral, 3 at once, any variation you care to think of.


TBH my DH and I have looked at porn together- not to spice up our sexlives but out of curiosity- it's al there- just google Pornhub.

You sound a bit prudish TBH- your DH's looking at porn is not the equivalent of him being unfaithful- it's just a bit of harmless titilation most of the time.

[Malificence]

I suggest you learn to read posts properly Schmarn.

Changed, I'm really sorry that you feel like you have no choice but to accept your h's porn use and see it as inevitable that he will lie.

I don't know what's happened to MN lately, it used to be such a good place for support and sensible advice. It seems to have been taken over by porn defenders who try their best to make women feel that there is something wrong with them if they don't like their partner using porn.