Just found some porn and feeling numb - help please

[changedchanged]

Am a regular but obviously not under this name.

Am feeling like a good cry but can't as young DC around so hoping someone can help. DH is a general good guy, works hard, good dad, good husband, reliable, kind, thoughtful, etc. Years ago I found 'evidence' of him looking at some porn on the pc. I flipped (partly because he's not that computer savvy and had left the evidence in the browsing history, so it could have accidentally been clicked on by the dcs). I freaked out, he was very sorry and upset for hurting me, and promised not to use our pc for looking at that kind of thing again. I'm pretty sure he hasn't as I programme computers so he would be hard pressed to keep it from me.

The subject hasn't really come up since, and I think at the time I maybe made it seem that I was upset about the fact that our DCs could have seen it, and not that I find porn offensive. But I do. I don't really know the ins and outs of the politics on the subject, but I know that porn images make me feel sick, inadequate and very sad for our DDs that this is part of the world they are growing up into. I'm sure DH does know how I feel, we've been together a long time and I've made comments about it before.

Anyway just now I was looking through the 'bills' drawer in his office for something and I found a stash of a load of porno mags at the bottom. They are hard core stuff, full on everything. All straight sex between adults, but very full on. One of them is about anal - very graphically.

I've stuffed them back in the drawer but I feel sick and numb and like crying all at the same time. He is a good man and I love him. But I feel so upset. Why would he go behind my back and buy these things? Am I completely wrong about thinking he's a good man if he can enjoy this kind of shit?

Don't know what to do. Please somebody talk to me.

[boodles]

Changedchanged, you are allowed to be upset by this. You are allowed to not want porn in you and whoever is your partners life, you are allowed. I personally hate porn and would feel exactly as you do if I found any. I know I am not wrong in my feelings. I made it very clear to my oh my feelings on porn very early in our relationship so he has always been aware that it is something that I never would accept. I also know that my husband would not want me looking at porn and it would upset him, so, because I respect my husband and would not want to hurt his feelings then I would not do that.

Please ignore those who seem to be intent on making you feel bad for your reaction. You are entitled to your feelings.

[Malificence]

We now have a full house of tired old cliches, a porn thread's not a porn thread until someone has accused the OP of being a prude.

God how depressing.

Changed, try the feminism section , you don't have to roll over and take this.

[cybboid]

changed couldn't you come to some sort of compromise with him? Perhaps if he can indulge in his stuff and keep it right away from you and the rest of the family and never mention it you could try to wipe the slate clean

Otherwise this could hang over you forever

I'm not sure how much right any of us have to control what our partner does

[cybboid]

But Mal you are calling everyone else 'porn defenders'

I'm not a porn defender, and I dont think OP is a prude.

[glitterkitty]

Seriously, its just a different opinion, surely Mal? I dont think the intention is to upset Changed- although I think those who feel the same about porn can surely sympathise best with her feelings.

However, Changed does ask 'Am I completely wrong about thinking he's a good man if he can enjoy this kind of shit?' and I guess to that I'd answer Yes, you are wrong. He can be a good man and enjoy porn.

[SuePurblybilt]

Am here at a few lone voices in the tide of 'harmless fun', 'prude' - I agree, wtf has happened to MN recently?

changed, I am sorry you're going through this (and crappy spin-off threads). I would try to think rationally about why this upsets you, really pick apart your thoughts. You're right, if you just confront your DH, chances are he'll just move his stash or hide his browsing history better. If you hate porn use because of its association with exploitation or because of how it makes you feel about yourself or whatever reason you eventually identify, arm yourself with enough rational, calm arguments to have a proper discussion with your DH.

[BettySuarez]

Sorry but I'm with Custardo on this one.

If he wants to look at porn then he should be able to do so.

Ideally though, there should be zero chance that you would find out because if it's possible that you find out, it is also possible that DC's find out and that is obviously not acceptable.

[DukesOfTripHazard]

What Al0uiseG said to the letter (except 14 years not 15!0 . But that's me. And that's the kind of relationship that suits me. Doesn't make it the only kind of relationship that's successful.

Sorry that you're having a tough time OP.

[UnhappyLizzie]

Sorry, schmarn, but I disagree. You've said don't think we own our partner's thoughts and fantasies, why is it so different exploring them using a magazine than just having those thoughts?

If OP's dh 'gives up' the porn, he will still think about those images. Likelihood is he got into porn as a teenager. They all do, and giving it up as they get older isn't a question of being 'decent'. I suspect very few of them give it up anyway.

If he's conspicuously using it a lot, then he might have an addiction problem. If he's got some mags tucked away, he might not have looked at them for weeks or months, there is no knowing.

Op doesn't want to think about it or be confronted with it. That is understandable. He owes it to her to respect her feelings and keep it well out of the way. Banning it can't be enforced anyway. You can't make someone give it up, you'd never know. Important thing is it doesn't come into your life together and upset YOU.

OP, try not to see it as in any way competition to you and your relationship. It's not an emotional thing, just a pleasurable habit.

[BettySuarez]

What the hell is a 'rusty trombone'? (mind boggles)

[SuePurblybilt]

Also want to know about the Rusty Trombone. And don't ask me to google, not after Goatse

[BettySuarez]

Also how is this different to a women owning a vibrator? Particularly if she has it for 'private use' i.e not with her partner.

The average vibrator is specifically designed to have a wider girth and length then the average penis (which is obviously part of their attraction ).

But isn't this then disrepectful to our other halfs who are almost certainly not that well endowed or able to 'multi-task' like a Rampant Rabbit can? I personally don't think so. And I would wager that the majority of women are not fantasizing about their partners during these private moment either.

OP - I'm sorry that you are strggling with this :( He should be more respectful of your feelings by ensuring that you NEVER find out. But I don't think you have the 'right' to ask him to stop.

I do think you need to talk to him though - a real heart to heart. So that you can explain how you feel about this. He needs to reassure you that he is still that lovely man that you know and love.

[UnhappyLizzie]

I am not a porn defender, but I don't think OP's husband is a bad man either. Stirring up a duststorm of feminist outrage is only going to make her feel worse. Not helpful, she loves her husband, don't try to paint him as a cunt. I for one don't think there's anything wrong with him or his habit, unless it directly affects OP and her kids.

Changed is completely justified in her feelings, and calling her a prude is unhelpful as well. It only plays into the hands of scary chastity fundamentalists like Malificence, who think it's actually healthy to own someone and that to have fantasies that are separate from one's important relationship is a thoughtcrime.

As I said, variety is the spice of life. His habit only really harms you if you know about it. Don't make him feel guilty about it, but by all means make him feel guilty about leaving it lying around for you to find it.

It sounds like you have a happy relationship apart from this issue, don't let bullies on here tell you that your husband's an arsehole for doing something that a huge proportion of men do (and maybe their husbands, if they did but know).

[BettySuarez]

Well said Lizzie but why are you unhappy? :(

[Malificence]

"scary chastity fundamentalist" that's made my day.

[UnhappyLizzie]

Not my thread Betty

[turdassmuthafukka]

I really dislike porn. I hate the way it portrays women. I realise that that is MY opinion and others are entitled to disagree. But, when I met Dh he had been single for a good while and like an average man (especially one who works in IT) had been wanking over porn.

Righto, I said. Now you have me to have sex with. I hate porn and you can be with me and give up the porn or stick with it and give up me. We had only been together about 2 months so I think it was a valid choice. He chose me and so the deal in our house is no porn.

And actually, he's become quite a feminist over the years so I'd like to think that if I got run over by a truck, he'd still reject porn. It is yuck and if the op finds it yucky then you all have to at least respect that. Also people have different ideas of monogamy which have to be negotiated, ideally before any commitments have been made.

BTW, my dislike of porn also includes a dislike of male strippers etc - anything where sexuality is purchased.

[changedchanged]

Ok so I have an update. I feel really ashamed writing this. The DC have gone out to the park with my mum so I had a look through the magazines. One of them is called Barely Legal and the pics inside do look just that. I feel so sick. I feel like the image I have in my head of DH now is completely fucked up and I don't even want to be here when he gets home tonight.

[ZZZenAgain]

leave them open on a table for him to find when he comes home. He will see that you have seen them?

[strawberryjelly]

changed what is it about porn which makes you feel sick?

I will be honest- I have browsed porn sites purely out of curiosity.

I was surprised at what is out there for anyone to access, freely.

It does not turn me on in the slightest as women are "done to" in porn films and they are treated as objects, and the acting is pretty crap anyway.

However when DH watched with me he definitely found it arousing.

That's men.

I think you need toreally sit ad think about why you feel so upset.

it has nothing to do with how your DH sees you, I am sure..

Men enjoy porn. Some men. Sometimes.

Why does that make you feel sick?

[changedchanged]

That would work if I could think of anywhere to go. I have a DC off school sick today so am a bit stuck anyway. I'm tempted to send him a text at work telling him not to bother coming home but to go off and find himself a teenager if that's what he wants. I can't believe this is getting worse.

[changedchanged]

strawberryjelly does the notion of 'barely legal' not sicken you?

[AMumInScotland]

I don't think anyone has to be a "porn defender" to say that it is quite possible for a man who is "a general good guy, works hard, good dad, good husband, reliable, kind, thoughtful, etc" to also happen to enjoy looking at pornography.

changedChanged doesn't have to like it, and can challenge it, and ask him to stop because of her strong feelings about the issue.
But she doesn't have to change her view that her husband is basically still the same man she always though he was, just because he doesn't share her revulsion about pornography. He can still be a lovely man, and use pornography.

[changedchanged]

AMum for you, does that include what I've just found? Some of the girls in it do not look old enough to consent to be in a magazine, that's for sure.

[jenny60]

OP: I am sorry you are going through this and sorry that you've had to put up with some unsympathetic posters. IMO you have every right to be upset about this. This is a moral issue: some people here say they have no moral objection to porn, but if that's valid then so is your right to find it offensive. You are not unreasonable and you are not a prude. As Mal says, the prude label is the biggest cliche in the book and it was just a matter of time before someone resorted to it. I'm just sorry that it's upset you when you're already feeling down.

Do you feel able to speak to your DH about this? Do you feel he will stop this if you tell him how much it upsets you. If you want a kind ear go to the feminism section. Whatever people think about the rights and wrongs of porn, it's bloody shocking that this has been dragged into another thread and that you have been even more upset.