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Relationships

Just found some porn and feeling numb - help please

138 replies

changedchanged · 01/07/2011 11:15

Am a regular but obviously not under this name.

Am feeling like a good cry but can't as young DC around so hoping someone can help. DH is a general good guy, works hard, good dad, good husband, reliable, kind, thoughtful, etc. Years ago I found 'evidence' of him looking at some porn on the pc. I flipped (partly because he's not that computer savvy and had left the evidence in the browsing history, so it could have accidentally been clicked on by the dcs). I freaked out, he was very sorry and upset for hurting me, and promised not to use our pc for looking at that kind of thing again. I'm pretty sure he hasn't as I programme computers so he would be hard pressed to keep it from me.

The subject hasn't really come up since, and I think at the time I maybe made it seem that I was upset about the fact that our DCs could have seen it, and not that I find porn offensive. But I do. I don't really know the ins and outs of the politics on the subject, but I know that porn images make me feel sick, inadequate and very sad for our DDs that this is part of the world they are growing up into. I'm sure DH does know how I feel, we've been together a long time and I've made comments about it before.

Anyway just now I was looking through the 'bills' drawer in his office for something and I found a stash of a load of porno mags at the bottom. They are hard core stuff, full on everything. All straight sex between adults, but very full on. One of them is about anal - very graphically.

I've stuffed them back in the drawer but I feel sick and numb and like crying all at the same time. He is a good man and I love him. But I feel so upset. Why would he go behind my back and buy these things? Am I completely wrong about thinking he's a good man if he can enjoy this kind of shit?

Don't know what to do. Please somebody talk to me.

OP posts:
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strawberryjelly · 01/07/2011 16:40

boodles can i ask you why you asked your DH not to watch porn etc? Why did you feel that your feelings over it should be more important than his? did you see it as some slur on your feminity or your relationship?

When my DH and I were first married, he used to be invited for "boys' night in" at a colleague's. Around 6 guys, 30s and older would watch porn.

The colleague's wife was a maths teacher- and she used to make sure they had beer and coffee and then kept out of the way.

I didn't mind a jot.

Porn bores me- after 5 minutes I can't be bothered to look any more.

But I just don't see why it is such a big deal, or why anyone should forbid their partner from doing something they want to which is not harming them in any way. Seems a bit selfish to me.

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mayorquimby · 01/07/2011 16:44

"If men wanted to see very young women they could look at all sorts of porn: this is, as it says on the tin, barely legal"

I think we are talking at cross-purposes here.
Any "barely legal" material I have seen refers to the girls themselves having just reached 18 etc. So they are barely over the threshold for appearing in porn.
To clarify is what you are envisaging porn which is barely legal because it is depicting child-pornography but is legal because the actresses are of age?
I've never seen anything akin to that and I find it hard to envisage (not that i don't believe you, just that the practicalities don't make sense to me. What 18 year old is going to be able to accurately portray a 8-12 year old, if we're talking lollipops and teddy bears)
My interpretation of any "barely legal" porn i have seen in the past is of the variety that it is marketed at men who want to see 18 year old/developed teenage figures. So the implication is that the actresses have only just reached the legal age.

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strawberryjelly · 01/07/2011 16:44

jenny _ I think you know the answer to that from my previous posts.

If teachers watch porn which involves children then no.

But surely you are not trying to say that anyone who works with or has contact with children should not watch porn?

I think you are on a very sticky wicket trying to make a cause and effect connection between porn ( with adults acting but looking like teens, which is what I gather this is) and teaches practising paedophilia.

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mayorquimby · 01/07/2011 16:49

"When my DH and I were first married, he used to be invited for "boys' night in" at a colleague's. Around 6 guys, 30s and older would watch porn"

Christ that sounds depressing. That's one thing I've never understood, out of all my mates I can hink of 2 watch porn with a group of lads. I could never wrap my head around how it was meant to be anything other than really awkward.

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strawberryjelly · 01/07/2011 16:49

The other point surely about "barely legal" is that it is a marketing ploy.

it's either legal or it's not.

If it is legal, then the fantasy of it being illegal is just that- a fantasy in people's mind, where their imagination bridges the gap between what is legal and what would not be.

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mayorquimby · 01/07/2011 16:51

"I am talking about barelylegal, not mainstreem porn."

barelylegal is extremely mainstream. I think you are thinking of something completely different.

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mayorquimby · 01/07/2011 16:54

"The other point surely about "barely legal" is that it is a marketing ploy."

Exactly, and as I said above it tends to relate purely to the age of the actresses involved. It's not saying "this porn is so extreme/wild/alternative that it has BARELY made it past the legal bods." It is saying that these actresses are young 18 year olds who are barely above the required age limit to appear in porn.
It's akin to saying a 17 year old is barely legal to drive, it's due to the age of those involved not the content/acts involved. Both are completely legal to drive or be in porn, but they are trying to emphasise the youthfull aspect.

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Solidarity · 01/07/2011 16:57

Agree MQ; I find that seriously creepy ( a group of mates watching porn together ) and can't imagine many people doing it.

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jenny60 · 01/07/2011 17:06

Yes I see we may be talking at cross purposes. Yes I know barelylegal is mainstream but from what I've seen of it, the girls are very young, not 18 year old women, younger that that and I have seen those props too. Thye are made to look like children, doing childish things. That is seriously creepy and that's what I'm saying I don't think teachers should watch it.

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jenny60 · 01/07/2011 17:07

And strawberry No, I am not trying to make that case at all. Where on earth did I say that?

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Bennifer · 01/07/2011 17:07

My (limited) experience of barely legal is that it's about 18 year olds, but actually many of them are in their twenties. It's certainly not about girls that look 13.

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mayorquimby · 01/07/2011 17:12

"not 18 year old women, younger that that"

Well then it's not barely legal, it's completely illegal.

"My (limited) experience of barely legal is that it's about 18 year olds, but actually many of them are in their twenties. It's certainly not about girls that look 13."

Is the type I have mainly seen. And agreed it's often 22-24 year olds playing to the high-school senior/freshman college scenario

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strawberryjelly · 01/07/2011 17:13

jenny you know jolly well that you inferred it. Otherwise why on earth did you single out teachers who watch porn?

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strawberryjelly · 01/07/2011 17:16

Another point jenny is that if you were not aware already- teachers do think of their female students in a sexual way. In fact when i was at school myself a pupil married a teacher after she had left!

But that is not paedophilia is it?

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jenny60 · 01/07/2011 17:18

I also asked about potential foster parents and adopters because they, along with teachers, were the examples I could think of at the time of people who have the closest relationships with children and are vetted. And I repeat, I was talking about barelylegal, a particular genre of porn, not all porn.

I know what I said and I certainly didn't infer what you insist I did.

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jenny60 · 01/07/2011 17:21

Yes, I am aware of that strawberry but I'm not sure what your point is.

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strawberryjelly · 01/07/2011 18:30

jenny- you can only vet people according to what they have done and is visible. CRB vetting picks up cautions and offences. I know as I have been CRB checked all my working life since it was mandatory for people in education.
Unless they were to take away the hard drives of teachers or potential adopters, and examine them- which maybe they do- I don't know- how would anyone know?

I think you have moved the topic way off the original point made my the OP. If you want to start another thread on who should be "allowed" to use porn, that is hard porn, then do so-- I don't go for this "barely legal" as it's meaningless- it's either legal or it isn't.

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boodles · 01/07/2011 19:23

boodles can i ask you why you asked your DH not to watch porn etc? Why did you feel that your feelings over it should be more important than his? did you see it as some slur on your feminity or your relationship?

Because I hate the whole sex industry and what it does to women. Also the thought of my OH sitting on his own in a room wanking over some filthy pictures of other women doesn't fill me with delight. I didn't at any time think my feelings were more important than his (over this or any issue) we are a very strong couple (married 12 years now with three children) and our communication has always been our strong point and that both our opinions are equally heard and respected. We discussed it, my OH was never a big user (infact he only had one mag which he had for about 6 years, which I know is true because I helped him clear out his room and found it, he was a little embarressed as he had forgotten to chuck it, if he had had a huge stash I would have seen it then) and so, for him it was never a real issue as it wasn't something he really used very often anyway.

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CheerfulYank · 01/07/2011 19:43

I was going to namechange for this, but fuck it.

I don't like porn. I don't want DH watching it. I think the entire industry is extraordinarily degrading and leads to the objectification of women. I think that there are children stumbling onto it at younger and younger ages, before they've actually had sexual experiences of their own. Young boys are growing up thinking that these are normal sexual things to expect from their partners, and young girls are growing up thinking that they will be expected to do those things.

I think it puts forth the image that women are always "up for it" so if a woman is unsure or too drunk to say no, well, she always means yes anyway, doesn't she, so it's okay to coerce or rape her while she's too out of it to give consent.

DH watched it and looked at mags, etc, before we were married. I was okay with it then. I feel differently now. I saw he was doing it not that long ago and was really upset. We watched Hardcore together and were both very upset by it.

I told him that I'm not okay with it at all and if I saw that he was doing it again it'd be a serious issue.

OP I don't think that you're being unreasonable at all.

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strawberryjelly · 01/07/2011 20:11

BoodlesBecause I hate the whole sex industry and what it does to women.

call me naive but- no one is forcing women to take part in porn films.

Aren't women in control really? they are being paid and men pay towatch it?

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shesgotherlipstickon · 01/07/2011 20:17

Yes sj you are being very naive.

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CheerfulYank · 01/07/2011 20:18

Actually I think that yes, more than you'd think are being "forced" to do porn fims. Or they've been so beaten down by life/abuse that they feel they're not worth more than getting their asses stitched up every week or so because they're torn from anal gangbangs. Or they have nasty drug habits to get away from the reality of what they do, and then they've no money to feed their drug habit, so they do "film work", the degradation of which requires more drugs....

Or they've been hooking since they were thirteen anyway and don't know any different. Or they've been taught that as women their highest worth is how sexy and hot they can act.

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Malificence · 01/07/2011 21:09

Drug use and STDs are the norm for the adult entertainment industry, as is grooming the young women by saying that they have full autonomy over what they will do sexually, then making it all but impossible for them to say no to having a penis in every orifice and someone ejaculating over their face.

Anyone who thinks that porn is not coercive by nature needs to watch the Felicity/Hardcore documentary. If you can stomach mainstream porn after watching that then there's something wrong with you.

There is a tiny corner of porn that is fully consensual and free from coercion but you have to know what you are looking for, if all porn was like that then I wouldn't have such a problem with it.

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Saffysmum · 01/07/2011 21:16

I threw my husband out after 22 years of marriage in April. He had previously told me he no longer loved me; would leave me as soon as he found somewhere else to live - probably July - and had treated me like dirt on his shoe. He had been totally unsupportive, caring or demonstrative for two years.

My teenage daughter found an open link on the family computer that had teen anal porn on it. She kept this secret (after confronting him, and being told that "all men do it") for two weeks from me. She told me, in floods of tears, apologising for upsetting me with the news. She said she felt uncomfortable around her dad, that she didn't want her friends around the house anymore. She would never wear short skirts around him, or lay around in her nightie anymore.

I threw him out shortly afterwards.

Guess what is No. 1 on the grounds for unreasonable behaviour in the divorce? I gave a list of over 20 incidents to my solicitor, but she zoomed in on the above.

Daughter's receiving counselling.

Her relationship with her dad is damaged. Possibly beyond compare. I kick myself everyday that I didn't throw him out before she found what she saw on the family computer. Part of my loathes myself for not seeing what was under my nose.

Putting aside this huge, horrible issue, is the fact that I felt many emotions, after doing a search on the computer, and seeing the chat rooms/forums/ and kind of stuff viewed. I felt terribly sorry for the poor exploited teenage girls. I felt devalued as a woman, and felt that our (up until two years ago) healthy sex life was a total sham. I felt that the man I had slept with for most of my life was a stranger. And I felt despair for my daughter.

OP - I understand completely your concern. It doesn't need validating.

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Tigerbomb · 01/07/2011 21:26

I don't get people. Just because SOME people like porn doesn't mean every one has to. Just because some people don't mind their partners looking at porn doesn't mean we all have to. Why do people seem to want to impose their views on others all the time and, at the same time, invalidate their feelings. If you don't mind porn or your OH looking at it then good for YOU, that is YOUR choice, remember you only make the choice of what is right for YOU not the rest of us.

Surely you could easily replace that with just because some people don't like porn doesn't mean that everyone shouldn't like porn etc etc

I am just confused as to why one persons views should hold more sway than the others view

I am not trying to be antagonistic, but surely in a relationship things need to compromised in some way. One person cannot dictate the "Law".

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