DH went to strip club last night. 3 dances. Am I stupid & naive to feel so sad about it?

[bail]

DH came in at 5am last night. I was relaxed about it as he only goes out infrequently (every couple of months) and I trust him (or should I say, I USED to trust him).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, after initially lying to me, I discovered he went to a very swish and expensive strip club in near Mayfair. He had three dances.

I am upset, I keep imagining gorgeous girls dancing for him, wearing next to nothing and then my DH handing over money to them for the pleasure.

What do others think about this?

If the shoe were on the other foot and a woman was partial to paying a stripper to wave his cock in front of her face until 5am do you think her DH would think it's OK, just a bit of fun?
Or do you think it would make him feel sad like the OP feels?

"But I bet you any hetrosexual single bloke will not have any qualms about getting a lapdance."

I bet otherwise! Not all men are sleazeballs.

If the shoe were on the other foot then I don't think her husband would take too kindly to the fact his wife had used family money to pay another man to wave his cock in her face and simulate oral sex with her.

Agree with PlanetEarth.

A split would be an even better solution, then he could shag all the other women he liked and not be frustrated at all.

Like I said earlier, the money thing is another issue and in these lean times, I'd be more sympathetic if she said they were skint but DH used money to pay for lapdances. But judging by the original post, I suspect when you boil the problem down, the issue is insecurity, not money.

And it's hardly "wave his cock in front of her face until 5am". 3 dances is more like 3x 1 min dances at whatever the going rate is in Mayfair. In my parts, it's 10quid a dance. So a more balanced comparison would be "paying a male stripper to dance and look at his cock for a couple of minutes."

And PlanetEarth, I suspect I understand men better than you do and trust me when I say that most SINGLE men would. Of course there are some men who would not but I've yet to meet one. And you are right, we're not all sleazeballs.

I don't see why visiting automatically makes a man a sleazeball? Firstly if he's single, he's not upsetting anyone. He's spending his cash how he wants to and as long as the woman is happy to dance for him, it's a pure business transaction.

And what about the women who go to these places? Yes, women do go and I bet you'd be surprised how many are there. Ok, they are definitely a minority but it's not like there's one strange woman there.

And what does it make my partner who has actually asked if we can go so SHE can have a lapdance? Does that make her sleazy?

I'd want to ask her why.

And what does it make my partner who has actually asked if we can go so SHE can have a lapdance?

That makes her just as much of a twunt as you IMHO.

Niceguy2... thank you!

I was not going to post again as initially my DH and I had a giggle at the viciousness of some of the responses (I thought Mumsnet was meant to be supportive, but I was called "deluded", "stupid" Why? because I didn't want to end a happy 5 year relationship, 2 year marrage and disrupt my 11 month son's life forever!). Then I found the thread had taken a slightly sinister turn and there was talk of sex offenders, and I really felt rather sick that my thread had resulted in such horrid discussion.

Anyway, I couldn't resist a sneaky peak again just now and I read your post and it really made sense. Money is not the issue at all, you are absolutely right. The issue was insecurity. But after a good chat yesterday, I do not feel insecure anymore. It was NOT a lapdance club, my DH took me to the website so I could see. There is absolutely no touching, it is forbidden. My DH was very drunk, in a group and paid for 3 dances. I was disgusted, no doubt about that! But over it now. He will not do again, but I have said I am fine for him to go when his best friend goes on his stag do.

Thing is, if you are going to make a relationship work, one has to chill out about some things. In this scenario he behaved like a di*k, but am I going to ruin a stunningly beautiful weekend over it and ruin the chance to spend some quality family time together? No chance! Some of the Mumnetters would have preferred me to have spent the day packing up his stuff and forcing him out the door without a chance to say goodbye to our boy. Instead, we spent an idyllic day on Primrose hill with our DS. It would've have simply been a case of cutting my nose off to spite my face had I followed certain mumsnetter's ridiculous advise.

Anyway, the point is - the matter is closed in my eyes. nitially I was shocked, mainly because DH admitted he had fibbed about it and I was floored because he has never lied to me before (he is hopeless at it, which is why I knew so quickly that something was 'up').

Thanks for talking sense niceguy2. And on that note, I say goodbye to this thread for good!

My SIL used to go along ... because she wanted her H to think of her as more 'raunchy' than she really is. So, she had private dances because of her insecurity in the relationship.

I told XH I wanted to go with him ... because I wanted to see how he really reacted.

I've been to loads of LD clubs (work-related) though never had a private dance or paid for my guests to have them. The reactions of most men was eye-opening at first. I found it almost disgusting. Not the dancing; the punters' lechery - for want of a better word.

It is nothing like what happens at a male strip for women. I have never seen a woman so aggressively involved in her own lust. Am failing to describe it properly, but hope am making some sense.

Glad you sorted it out, OP :)

Good luck to you, OP

"It is nothing like what happens at a male strip for women."

Is that because women are morally superior to men, or simply because a woman's sexuality manifests itself in a different way?

OK niceguy. If your DW paid a stripper for a private dance and to wave his cock in front of her face for a few minutes, you would think it's just a bit of harmless fun? I wonder how many men would truly be happy about it?

this is one of the saddest (in the old sense of the word) that i have ever read!

imagine being so desperate as to have to sell your soul for 10 quid a time so someone as lovely as rob can get his rocks off - poor poor women!

Its not really a bit of harmless fun though. I had a very brief stint at lapdancing before I met my Dp and had kids. My business was failing and i was desperate for money. It wasnt like looking at a pair of boobs. In the club I worked at it was full contact dancing. In other words- sitting on the client, rubbing yourself all over them, sliding down them. Sitting with your legs over their shoulders and they pretty much had their face between your legs. Every single guy I danced for had an erection and believed the silly illusion that I fancied them. Well the acted as though I fancied them. It was horrid- I left as soon as I got money. I used to be pretty laid back about lapdancing until i worked there. I dont think I'd be happy if dp went and i'd have serious words with him.

Rob - probably the latter! I'm no expert on manifestations of sexuality, all I know is how I felt about thinking of my H doing that intently-lecherous thing over other women with their genitals in his face. One of the rare times he conceded an argument, it was on the "different for women" topic. He went along with some female friends, to see a male stripper, and agreed the dynamic was entirely different: the female audience is just playing; the male one's deadly serious.

I'd considering it cheating I'd be very angry

Well firstly the word "private" is somewhat misleading. You don't go off into a room where there's just you and the lady wiggling her bits in front of you.

The ones I've been to, what happens when you pay for a "private" dance is you are ushered into another area behind a curtain where there's you, the "dancer", a few other guys with their ladies.....and a gigantic bouncer just waiting to pummel the crap out of anyone who touches. Fun and a bit of a giggle yes. Sexy & sordid....no.

Outside the area, it's just a normal bar where everyone is having a drink, a talk and the main difference is the girls who are not dancing for someone are wandering around talking too.

And as for the "poor poor" women, these ladies leave the night with probably between 200-400 quid a night. I suspect most of which is probably tax free. Call them what you like but poor is probably not the word I'd be using.

Niceguy, the poster above you has described what SHE DID as a lapdancer. Are you calling her a liar?
She's certainly described the private dances they do in the clubs I went to.

Thanks niceguy2. I thought that a private dance was done in a private room so that the man could wank while watching the dancer.

All men are not the same though. I used to work as a barmaid in a nightclub and the manager was like Peter Stringfellow in more ways than one. He was a sleazebag and was convinced like RobF and niceguy2 are that all men were the same as him.

One night he got topless barmaids in to entertain the customers. The topless barmaids worked on the upstairs bar where there was a disco and was always packed and busy. The rest of us worked on the downstairs bar that was usually quieter. The topless barmaids were paid 5 times the rate that we were paid.

Most of the customers - men and women - chose to be served by us and we were run off our feet that night. Upstairs was unusually quiet apart from the odd sad perv sat at the bar leering at the barmaids tits. That night must have opened the Peter Stringfellow wannabes eyes about what most men want.

niceguy2 I also worked in a couple of lapdancing bars for a very short time and it is bloody sordid!

Dances are normally for 3 minutes and yes in some places just behind a curtain, but a fair amount of places do full nude, especially in England. The guys might not be allowed to touch but the girls can rub their bits in the guys faces, get on top and bounce up and down etc.

And your comment about the money they earn.... Most guys don't realise that girls have to pay a ridiculous fee to the club, depending on the club and the night it can be up to £250! So no they normally don't leave with very much considering what they are subjecting themselves to.

And the girls walking around talking... Normally they are going up to guys and trying to convince them to go for a dance. When they are doing this I have known girls to say all sorts, telling them how much they want to fuck them etc.

I'm pleased it worked out for you Bail.

A similar situation was a deal breaker for me; when I found out my ex-h had been paying for downloaded porn for months paid for with family finance - it was over.

There were problems between us anyway, but the deciding factor for me was the disregard he had for the women/girls involved - as others have said, the sex trade is littered with victims of abuse and addiction - I cant look at my ex with anything other than contempt knowing that he supported that with money I had earned.

schrodinger- that's totally true about chatting up the men. Its extremely competitive and if its quiet then there's a lot of girls chatting up the same guy. If you dont dance you dont make anymoney. Fun and a giggle is not how i'd describe my time there, there are some women that maybe would. But the reason why it might appear fun is that the women who are performing these dances are doing just that "performing". Im not making a blanket statement here but when I was doing it I put a smile on my face and got on with it but it was not, for me, a laugh and a career I would have chose. The club took a cut of what I made so I had to get a certain number of dances before I even broke even.

I wouldnt want my dp participating in that having been on the other side of it.