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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH went to strip club last night. 3 dances. Am I stupid & naive to feel so sad about it?

507 replies

bail · 25/06/2011 22:49

DH came in at 5am last night. I was relaxed about it as he only goes out infrequently (every couple of months) and I trust him (or should I say, I USED to trust him).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, after initially lying to me, I discovered he went to a very swish and expensive strip club in near Mayfair. He had three dances.

I am upset, I keep imagining gorgeous girls dancing for him, wearing next to nothing and then my DH handing over money to them for the pleasure.

What do others think about this?

OP posts:
SchrodingersMew · 27/06/2011 14:31

Clara Before I worked in a club, I didn't have too much of a problem with them. But after actually working in one and seeing what it is like from the others perspective. Shock

It wasn't fun and giggles for me either, I thought it was disgusting, but the same I put on a smile and pretended I was enjoying it. I've only ever met 1 person who enjoys working as a stripper and even she has bad days.

She had been dancing in a club in Aberdeen one night, full nude and bent over... The guy stuck his finger inside her!! He didn't even get chucked out!

niceguy2 · 27/06/2011 14:40

No, I wasn't responding to Clara's post. I just took so long to post that she'd posted behind me.

At the end of the day, I doubt it's a profession suitable for all women. But then you could say the same for any job. I have a mate who is joining the army who personally I think doesn't have the mental attitude he needs to survive. That doesn't mean though that the army is therefore a bad place to work for everyone does it?

I'm glad OP has managed to put the incident into context and been more rational than many of the posters seem to have been on here and I wish her all the best.

Oh and Doll, my OH did see a stripper the other week for a small hen do in a log cabin somewhere. It doesn't bother me, i looked at the photos and had a good laugh. I'm secure enough to know it's just a bit of fun. I fully trust she wouldn't cross the line and vice versa. It's really not an issue.

As for sleazy, I can hand on heart say that is a word no-one has ever called me. And trust me...i've been called plenty! Grin

SchrodingersMew · 27/06/2011 14:45

Niceguy Big difference between joining the army and getting naked for guys to use you as wank material for 5/10 quid a go.

Unless you have been in the situation, trust me you cannot possibly comment on it. It looks a lot different when you are not behind the scenes.

buzzsore · 27/06/2011 14:46

I'm not sure where the funny enters into it. Laughing at the stripper/dancer? What's the funny bit?

Omarlittlest · 27/06/2011 14:59

'nice guy' 2 please change name you sound just horrible .....

jesuswhatnext · 27/06/2011 15:01

when i mentioned 'poor poor women' i wasnt thinking of money!

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 27/06/2011 15:15

Niceguy2 I'm sure you have never been called sleazy and niceguy is your nickname in RL. You and DW were laughing at the photos together! I wouldn't have thought you were allowed to take photos of the stripper/dancer! How green I must be!

boodles · 27/06/2011 15:58

"I fully trust she wouldn't cross the line and vice versa"

NICEGUY, thats the point though, everyone has a different line. What is acceptable to one may not be to another. My line would be drawn at the lapdancing clubs door, if my OH stepped over my line then it would be a big issue. It would be the same the other way round too.

niceguy2 · 27/06/2011 16:16

Boodles, I don't dispute that at all. In fact that's the point I'm trying to make. That actually lots of men and women enjoy going to a lapdance bar.

Reading this thread i just feel there's a lot of hysterical nonsense. Suggesting that OP should give up her marriage as a result of a one visit to a lapdance bar is just plainly oveerreacting.

OP's husband should have known his wife well enough to know she wouldn't approve. Does that make him wrong? Yes. Does it make it a divorceable event? No.

NotaDisneyMum · 27/06/2011 16:40

Niceguy - doesn't that depend on the ethics of the wronged party, though?

If the OP has strong convictions about the sex trade generally (I know in this case, that is not so) discovering that her DH supported it would be such a catastrophic breach of trust as to be impossible to recover from.

I know plenty of marriages that have ended due to differences in ethical or religious beliefs - this is no different Wink

tadpoles · 27/06/2011 16:55

One poster made an interesting comment, albeit I think it missed the point, which was 'how would your partner feel if you had paid a male stripper to perform a strip (or similar) three times?' or words to that effect. I presume the anology was made in order to try to make the husband feel ashamed for how he has made the OP feel. But, really, if my husband 'found out' I had paid for a male stripper at a hen do or something he couldn't care less. He would probably think it was a bit of a hoot. He might be curious as to why we wanted to do it - but if he started threatening divorce proceedings - oh dear, I would think he was a complete idiot, and that he had totally over-reacted.

However, if you swap the genders, then there IS a difference, because there is an issue with the exploitation of women. If I found out that my partner had done something like this, there is no way I would be massively shocked or anything. However, it might raise questions in my mind about his attitude towards women, and that would probably start to bother me, far more than whether he had 'got off' on it or not.

However, I could also accept an explanation that he had got a bit carried away with the moment and that, in the cold light of day, he could see it was all a bit seedy. And going to a strip club is not 'cheating' despite what some have said.

anothermum92 · 27/06/2011 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

boodles · 27/06/2011 17:36

"And going to a strip club is not 'cheating' despite what some have said."

NDM, I guess it depends on what a person calls cheating. For one person it is only cheating if you have had full sex, for another they would feel cheated on if their partner had intimate conversations.
For ME my personal view is that if my OH went to one of these clubs (something that he is very well aware of my opinions on) and then paid a lady to take her clothes of and wave her naked body in his face then, to me, that is cheating. If I walked into my bedroom and there was a lady doing that then it would be considered cheating by most, so why is it not at a club?

anothermum92 · 27/06/2011 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dollius · 27/06/2011 18:29

I also think the analogy with the male stripper misses the point. More comparable would be to ask the men on this thread whether they would laugh off their wives giving a lapdance to a man in a club. Would they mind her shoving her vagina in his face, would they mind her pushing her tits in his face? Would they mind the man getting a hard on and having a wank over their wife's naked body? Would they be happy that this man, no doubt, will convince himself that she fancies him and may well ask her for extras.
I think if Mr Niceguy or whatever is a hypocrite if he says he would mind, and a liar if he says he wouldn't.
And, no, women are not "hysterical" for objecting to entitled men thinking it is perfectly acceptable to make use of women's bodies, as if they were a piece of meat - a commodity - in order to have a wank over.

dittany · 27/06/2011 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sungirltan · 27/06/2011 19:25

niceguy2 - you are sorely deluded - lapdancers do not make this much at all. firstly they have to pay to dance at the club at all and often leave for the night in debt to the club. they have to pay to dance whether is a quiet night or rammed. plus to get the most dances they have to go further than the other girls are prepared to - the more money the more they have to degrade themselves. again evidence for this features in 'the equality illusion'

Alconleigh · 27/06/2011 19:25

I don't entirely buy this thread. The immediate volte face from "I am upset" to "if only you dreadful feminazi harridans weren't so viciously unforgiving you too could swan into the Primrose Hill sunset" is........odd. Reads like a contrived apology for the whole sordid business to me.

sungirltan · 27/06/2011 19:35

'Thing is, if you are going to make a relationship work, one has to chill out about some things. In this scenario he behaved like a di*k, but am I going to ruin a stunningly beautiful weekend over it and ruin the chance to spend some quality family time together? No chance! Some of the Mumnetters would have preferred me to have spent the day packing up his stuff and forcing him out the door without a chance to say goodbye to our boy. Instead, we spent an idyllic day on Primrose hill with our DS. It would've have simply been a case of cutting my nose off to spite my face had I followed certain mumsnetter's ridiculous advise.'

well you asked!!!

ffs, so he ocnfessed it, you were distraught, now he's either grovelled or bollocked you and now its all fine. since you've told us we're all stupid.......well i'm sure you can work out what we might think of you.

dittany · 27/06/2011 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 19:53

like I said ages ago, OP has been threatened and done a turnaround

nice work, OP's DH

OP...my offer to put you up still stands

moral of this story ?

never show an abusive partner your threads on Mumsnet, in case you get some decent advice about not letting your partner make an absolute fucking mug of you

sungirltan · 27/06/2011 19:58

op does sound terribly smug. but then what would we know, we're a bunch of lonely, man hating feminists who are too self righteous and independent ot ever have man fall in love with us. all our dh's are figments of our angry imggination!

friend of mine always tells me to assess arguments based on one principle 'whats more important? being right or being happy?' for me this means an argument about being late or forgetting to do some household chore then it is probably more important to be happy but if dh had 3 lapdances well it would be more important to be right and happy. op if you can hack this then good luck to you - i couldn't but that doesn't make me weaker.

SinicalSal · 27/06/2011 20:12

Hope it works out for you, OP. Hope your DH is now respecting your wishes, rather than your reflection of his.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 20:14

I am a frigid man-hater, of course, who has never set foot on Primrose Hill

I can dream, I suppose

BitOfFun · 27/06/2011 20:21

It was probably written by the husband.