DH went to strip club last night. 3 dances. Am I stupid & naive to feel so sad about it?

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DH came in at 5am last night. I was relaxed about it as he only goes out infrequently (every couple of months) and I trust him (or should I say, I USED to trust him).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, after initially lying to me, I discovered he went to a very swish and expensive strip club in near Mayfair. He had three dances.

I am upset, I keep imagining gorgeous girls dancing for him, wearing next to nothing and then my DH handing over money to them for the pleasure.

What do others think about this?

rob there is nothing exreme here, there is nothing extreme about wanting to be treated withrespect as a human being with equality.

the only extremity is your stupidity

well said, LM

Typical. This thread goes all comedy and I'm out playing with the kids? Sheesh.

Robf, you must have a daughter/ wife/ sister/ mother/ aunt/ grandmother. Would you be 100% happy for them to thrust their tits and fanjos at leering strangers for a living? To be repeatedly touched up all over by men who are wanking themselves off, then later beaten up or raped because it goes with the territory? Would you consider that a good career move?

To the person who mentioned Primark, etc. You make a valid point, and we should all be doing our best to avoid duelling exploitative businesses. The difference here, however, is that the OP's husband was watching the exploitation, enjoying it and saying it was acceptable.

Bloody autocorrect. I meant "fuelling", not "duelling". Tsk.

It's not just working as a lapdancer though is it Speedy? FGS according to Rob working behind the bar is also sexual. And what if Robs teen daughter gets work experience in the local Curl Up 'N' Dye? Sexualistic.

I once met a woman who was working as a 'glamour model / hostess' in a supposedly upmarket club (we were stuck on a broken-down train together for hours, and she ended up telling me her life story). I've never met anyone who hated her job so much. She had to get drunk every afternoon to face it - she kept apologising to me for drinking on the broken-down train and explaining it was so she'd manage to do an evening's work. After meeting her, my opinions on something so far the 'tip' of the sex-trade iceberg as glamour modelling changed completely.

Sal, women are just not safe anywhere. Sex is at the cashpoint, in bars, checkouts, I'll bet there are even blokes leering lustfully in the local library! It's a dangerous world out there and we frigid beatches need to protect ourselves from men and their dirty, dirty thoughts!

I;ve never heard that word fanjo before, makes me think of that racing car driver

I guess RobF must have actually searched for 4chan after I said it and decided it was better suited to him.

Women don't have an opinion on that site and there's lots of nakedness to stare at.

What racing driver? I know nothin'!

I must say, lubber, your first post was so heartbreakingly sad. Add to that Dittany's incisive questions and I cannot imagine why any intelligent person with a decent heart could still defend this crap.

They defend it because a few cc of jizz trumps any amount of tears, Speedy. Simples.

I shall train my DD to avoid dating such vile men in future.

Juan fangio, it was a long time ago.

i dont think there is an addiction, delusion definately, entitlement, yes, and lets face it, it's being pushed as normal and normalized behaviour

I like the jiz trumps tears, sounds like an 80's synth band (GONA STEEL IT!)

RobF - you are the only person "reinforcing negative perceptions of men" on this thread. It is you saying most men go to lapdancing clubs and think it's all a bit of harmless fun.
We, on the other hand, are arguing that most men do not behave like this because most men are decent people who do not think it ok to deceive their wives.
"Man-hating feminists", my arse. That one always gets trotted out, doesn't it? No, we are just people who expect men to treat us with a bit of respect, and who believe that most do.

Haven't read whole thread, but for me, this would probably be the death knell on my marriage. Especially as, if it was my dh, I'd suspect the body snatchers had been in!

Speedy - but don't you think that most men would just think they were watching a woman do a job that she had chosen to do, and was being paid for, and not directly watching exploitation? Especially given the amount of celebrities who choose to pose half-naked in men's magazines, or in music videos etc - I think it really normalises this for a lot of men, to the point where they probably don't make a big separation between some celebrity (or whoever) pouting sexily, wearing next-to-nothing in Playboy or in a music video, and girls who do the same thing "live" in a strip club. Now when you look closer at the motivations and what's going on behind the scenes, there's a lot of difference and I 100% agree that the sex industry exploits some of the most vulnerable females in society. But I am not surprised that it doesn't seem that way to some.

Ah, I don't know. I just think that given the amount of men who use porn, i.e. the vast majority....I think the exploitation part is something they just prefer not to think about, in the same way we prefer not to think about the child labour that produces our cheap clothes, or whatever goes on in the abatoir that produces our neatly packaged meat.

It doesn't mean it's right, of course not. But I think the sexualisation of women in the media is probably as much to blame as anything in terms of how it has "normalised" all this for a lot of men.

You said it, riverboat - they choose not to think about it, i.e. they wilfully deceive themselves. Well, it's either that or they're thick as two short planks - they can choose which explanation they prefer.

FWIW I try hard to avoid buying products which I know are the product of exploitation, though it's impossible IMO to buy anything which is not tainted somewhere along the production line. I buy good quality stuff second hand so as not to finance the original shops, but even then I know it's possibly been made under unacceptable conditions.

But if I went into a sweat shop and saw children making designer clothes, would I buy there and then? I think not. This is the approximate sweatshop equivalent of paying a lap dancer.

I totally agree with you, riverboat but when the truth is pointed out they don't listen. That's what changes the dynamic, I think. It's one thing to be rather passive and thoughtless, another to knowingly do something harmful. imo.

Earlier in the thread I tried to avoid the politics for this very reason, and suggested the OP should simply own her feelings of discomfort and expect her DH to take her feelings seriously.

The sweatshop analogy reminds me of one of Margret Atwoods books, the Blind Assasin, I think. Luxury goods requiring intricate needlework were advertised by the amount of children that had been blinded in the making of them.

Interesting analogy about the sweatshop, Speedy. I'm not proud to say so, but I think I feel the same way about cheap clothes and 'sexy' show dancers. That is, I'm not too uncomfortable in a bar or club that pays women to dance on a platform in small clothes. But I become increasingly uncomfortable if she's expected to work in close proximity with punters -> take her clothes off -> take her clothes off in close proximity.

So I'm exercising cognitive dissonance ... and still am, as I like to see young dancers getting work (albeit dancing on a platform) even though I'm aware of the associations with sex services.

Argh, my brain's melting!

I know how you're feeling OP as I found out a few weeks ago that my DH had had a lapdance. I had a thread in AIBU about it.

Have you spoken to your DH about the exploitation side of things? My DH said he didn't think of it at the time (why would he when he was thinking with his dick?) but was horrified when I showed him some info on it.

Don't let anyone tell you that your jealous/insecure/prudish because your not ok with your husband renting another womens body to get himself a hard-on.

Can someone please explain to me why being on a stag gives men a free pass to be a misogynist? Oh and speaking of stag do's OP, when your DH goes on his best mates stag do that you mentioned up thread, I can almost guarantee he'll have a lapdance but won't tell you about it. After all 'men keep a great deal from their partners and wives'.

My DH is probably as upset as I am about what he did. He's bending over backwards to make it up to me and restore my trust in him. I hope yours is doing the same OP.

coming in a bit late here, but IMO you are perfectly entitled to feel hurt and upset by this, THREE dances!!! i could even understand if he went with mates and got egged on to do one dance, (happened to my uncle and boy did he get a hard time of it when his wife found out) but three!! as other posters have said i wouldn't be divorcing him over this but i would insist on a chance to communicate how you feel and get it out in the open, and have some reassurances from him that it wont happen again, (sorry haven't read all of your posts just the first one, so may be repeating alot hear)

Can someone please explain to me why being on a stag gives men a free pass to be a misogynist?

it doesn't

that is just one of the pathetic excuses that both women and men use to allow men to continue to use the services of sex workers

One of the things I find utterly fascinating about women is how widely their opinions vary.

With us blokes if we see an attractive woman, chances are virtually all other men would find her attractive too. Not so with women. One lady may find a guy attractive whilst another thinks he's a minger.

Ditto with lapdancing really. Most men will see this as harmless fun. The only difference is if they will do it or not knowing their OH's opinion. But I bet you any hetrosexual single bloke will not have any qualms about getting a lapdance.

But with the ladies, again there's a wide gulf of opinion. Reading this thread, it almost sounds at times like the guy has been unfaithful but in his mind it was just a bit of fun. But then I know for a fact that a lot of women wouldn't give a toss.

My last GF and my current partner would have both loved me to take them to a lapdancing bar. The reason I don't isn't cos I dislike it or am ashamed of it but more cos I'm a bit tight and think it's a waste of money! That said, last time I went in was for a mate's stag do and his fiancee picked us up after we rolled out of the bar. So my point is that there are plenty of women out there who are really relaxed about the whole thing.

A lapdancing bar is not a brothel! If he came home with his face intact then he didn't touch.

If this was more about the money then I perhaps would be more understanding but given the comments about "gorgeous girls dancing for him..." I suspect that OP has some body issues and perhaps that's something she & her husband can work on.

Another question. If the shoe were on the other foot and the wife went out and there was a male stripper and a bottle of baby oil involved, would the posters here be saying "Wow he should divorce you, you hussy!" or would there be post after post of "He should trust you! Tell him to get a grip!"?

I suspect it would be the latter.