I'm a really awful person

[Horrid]

I'm a new member, I don't know where to start...i've done something terrible, and i just need to write this down as i can't talk to anyone else right now.

I don't expect understanding or anything, call me what you like, it can't be anything worse that what i've already thought of.

Basically, i have been having an affair, and am now pregnant (7 weeks). There is no chance it's my dp's as we havent had sex in nearly 2 years, and the time before that was when my daughter was conceived in May 2006....we have just basically become mates who share a bed in my eyes.

It all came out last night, dp is understandably devastated, said he still loves me etc and should have paid me more attention etc, he really really loves me, and would be willing to stay with me (why o why didn't he tell me this years ago...). But it's gone for me now, we have just moved to a new house (was supposed to be our dream), so it's just all really sh*t. I know i should have ended it first, but i just got carried away, and well, i love the father of my unborn. I do 'love' my dp, just not in that way anymore.

We have a 4 year old dd, who loves her daddy to bits and he is a great dad, and i said last night that we would stay near each other so he can see her as much as poss, as i can't bear to separate them, but he said that wouldn't work as it would kill him to see me and we would just end up slagging each other off. (i would like to think we wouldn't) so does that mean he doesn't want to see her at all?

What i am asking is, has anyone been through this before? what did you do, how did you manage the practicalities first, trying to work out how we can separate as amicably as possible and sorting out the house (which neither could afford on our own), and then how do i explain it all to our daughter?

sorry for dumping all this, but i really don't know what to do now.....

[loopylou6]

How dare you tell someone to kill their baby? Did you not see the part where she said the baby was wanted?
OP whilst I do not condone affairs, I don't agree that you should stay with your husband for the sake of your dd.

Your husband is obviously in shock - understandably, as his life blew up only yesterday.

I don't think you should move far away, that wouldn't be fair to dd or your husband, they need to live close enough to maintain a father/daughter relationship which I guarantee you he will want once the shock wears off.

[Ormirian]

Don't move DD away from her dad. Don't encourage OM to move away from his DC. Once those two things have been established make what relationship you can with OM.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Oh FFS

I never told anybody to kill anything

I offered my advice based on what I would do in that situation and what I think would be the right thing for all parties.

No I don't think as foetus is as important as existing children. It's a view shared by many hundreds of thousands of people in this country, it doesn't make me a 'fucking evil bitch' actually.

[Horrid]

I did try and tell him weeks ago, before I got pregnant, told him how unhappy I was and some of the reasons, but couldn't do the whole confession, he didn't know what to say, and in fact that was the last time we spoke about it up until last night (he's not a big communicator). I only told him last night because he asked me if i was in love with someone else, and i couldn't lie outright. I was hoping to wait until my parents got back from holiday so they could provide support for both of us, look after dd while we talked it through.

We live about an hour from both our parents, and if it came to it, and me and OM couldn't live together after me and DP split, I could afford to house myself, dd and new baby by myself. I don't want to move areas as i have a lot of friends (at the moment...) and dd has lot here too, not least her dad.

[GypsyMoth]

7 weeks pregnant you say op?

[Horrid]

7 weeks going by date of last period, reckon about 5 weeks by date of conception.

[GypsyMoth]

Ericnorthmansmistress.......op asked what others would do,and you answered. think you've been unfairly attacked here

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I agree. I think Eric just did what I did, and gave her honest reaction to what she would do in that situation.

[GypsyMoth]

well,welcome to the life of a lone parent op!! join us over on lone parent boards,lots of advice will be available,and support!

so,as i see it,housing is your first priority. any thoughts?

[Horrid]

Was hoping we could sell our current place and in the interim at least both rent something 2 bed near each other and dd's new school, but other than that...no....what do until the house is sold i have no idea. OM is selling his house too, his ex is moving out with their children.

[Horrid]

should also add on the termination front, dp does not want me to have one either.

[GypsyMoth]

from reading about split couples here on mn sharing homes,i'd say it will turn sour pretty quickly and wont do you or dd any favours. one of you will need to go asap i think!!

at least if one of you is reasonably settled locally,then your dd will have disruption minimized for when the house IS sold.

anychance other man could buy your dp out? (slim chance i guess,he wouldnt like that i'm sure,but might be best for dd to stay home?)

[Horrid]

Dp did suggest that last night, and OM would, but can't until his house is sold....has already been on the market for a good few months.

[MrsBradleyCooper]

I feel very sorry for all involved.

FWIW my husband had this exact thing happen to him (although his ex DW did not get pregnant AFAIK). She left my DH and moved in with the neighbour, taking his DD with her. He was devastated, but ex DW showed no compassion towards him, instead making things worse by demanding extra money (on top of already v. reasonable maintenance), demanding that HE move away because it was awkward etc.

It just made an already unbearable situation worse for him.

These things happen, and you can't help who you fall in love with, but I think perhaps you need to give all of this some time. Everyone's emotions will be running high and it is probably best dealt with in mediation when everyone is a bit calmer and has had time to think.

Hope you can sort it all out as peacefully as possible.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

I wouldn't set up home with this OM tbh.

Assuming you want to continue with the pregnancy and no longer want to live with your dd's father, you need to go it alone for a while.

Maybe the OM will come good, but I somehow doubt it.

[TheOriginalFAB]

eRIC - fwiw I also ha wondered if having a termination was an option and you have been unfairly attacked.

As for the argument that why should the baby suffer (ie die) because it has done nothing wrong well, atm it has no clue what it is or going to be so actually having an abortion could make it suffer the least as opposed to being born into a family with separated/distraught parents.

[perfumedlife]

EricNorthmansMistress is free to make suggestions on how to deal with this situation TotallyLovely and you are free to hate those suggestions. I really don't think we should kid ourselves that posters are going to jump because we say jump. It's a forum of varied advice. Adults make their own minds up and Eric can't tell anyone to do anything.

Calling her an evil fucking bitch is bang out of order.

I think op if I were you I would try to stay close to your ex. This is all new and needs time to settle down. Your ex may well change his mind about residence/contact in a few days/weeks and the plans have to be flexible right now to allow for that. I guess you have managed this far with the distance, a few more months may not be too hard. Good luck.

[tadpoles]

If you had still been having sex with your husband, would you have mentioned the affair? I knew someone who got pregnant by her then lover but stayed with the husband and never told him about the affair. Although they subsequently split up it was many years later and the husband treated the child exactly as he did his own. Not sure whether he ever found out the truth, but he is the type of guy that would have brought up the child as his own anyway.

What about the woman that had an affair with Blunkett? She stayed with her husband and brought up all the children together and presumably he forgot and forgave as it was splashed all over the press so hardly a secret. I rather admired him for being able to overlook his wife's affairs.

OP - think you are being too hard on yourself. This type of situation seems to happen all the time only the difference is that it is the husband who gets the mistress pregnant. In that type of situation what sometimes happens is that, if the man has enough money, he ends up having a secret family or he may 'buy' the mistress' silence on the basis that he was never going to leave his wife anyway.

The courts couldn't care less who had sex with who and whether they were married or not - it is pretty much irrelevant.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Thanks ILT and chickens.

OP that's good that you have plans to raise both DCs as a single parent and have thought that through. I think that's the best you can hope for in the current circumstances. Whatever happens with OM should be way down the line and you must be able to stand on your own feet without him.

Best of luck.

[NormanTebbit]

I think Eric is being very sensible. It's a bad situation all round, many women terminate pregnancies for all sorts of reasons, she's not exactly marching the op to the family planning clinic

[TotallyLovely]

TheOriginalFAB So you think it is best never to have a life (or to die) then to born into a family with separated parents?! Maybe we should get the view of some single parents on this. Do they think their children's lives aren't worth living?

[Horrid]

If I'd been having sex with my partner, I doubt I would have had an affair...the lack of sex, and the fact of it only being twice in 5 years made me feel that he didn't want me in anyway (he was pissed both those times, not exactly a confidence booster...). The fact that I conceived our dd is nothing short of miraculous is my eyes, and if it wasn't for her we may well have split years ago.

[tadpoles]

There is way too much melodrama going on here. Anyone would think we were living in the 1930s when unmarried women who got pregnant were whisked away because of the 'shame' and gave birth in secret and forced to give their children up for adoption.

Why on earth should the OP consider a termination if she does not want to? A ridiculous suggestion. So - she got pregnant by her lover. How many children are being brought up out of wedlock these days? Loads of people who have children never get married, or get married and divorced, maybe multiple times. Why is that necessarily any better?

To suggest that she considers a termination is to suggest that what has happened is so terrrible that the child should not be brought into the world. What a load of bollocks!

[TheOriginalFAB]

TL That isn't what I said, or meant, and you know it . I am talking about this situation and was clearly responding to a post by the OP.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Hop off your soap box TotallyLovely and take your prolife crap elsewhere.