I'm a really awful person

[Horrid]

I'm a new member, I don't know where to start...i've done something terrible, and i just need to write this down as i can't talk to anyone else right now.

I don't expect understanding or anything, call me what you like, it can't be anything worse that what i've already thought of.

Basically, i have been having an affair, and am now pregnant (7 weeks). There is no chance it's my dp's as we havent had sex in nearly 2 years, and the time before that was when my daughter was conceived in May 2006....we have just basically become mates who share a bed in my eyes.

It all came out last night, dp is understandably devastated, said he still loves me etc and should have paid me more attention etc, he really really loves me, and would be willing to stay with me (why o why didn't he tell me this years ago...). But it's gone for me now, we have just moved to a new house (was supposed to be our dream), so it's just all really sh*t. I know i should have ended it first, but i just got carried away, and well, i love the father of my unborn. I do 'love' my dp, just not in that way anymore.

We have a 4 year old dd, who loves her daddy to bits and he is a great dad, and i said last night that we would stay near each other so he can see her as much as poss, as i can't bear to separate them, but he said that wouldn't work as it would kill him to see me and we would just end up slagging each other off. (i would like to think we wouldn't) so does that mean he doesn't want to see her at all?

What i am asking is, has anyone been through this before? what did you do, how did you manage the practicalities first, trying to work out how we can separate as amicably as possible and sorting out the house (which neither could afford on our own), and then how do i explain it all to our daughter?

sorry for dumping all this, but i really don't know what to do now.....

[pinkthechaffinch]

also I'd be strongly advising new dp to get a vasectomy sharpish.

[TheOriginalFAB]

I AM NOT LOOKING TO PUNISH THE MOTHER IN ANY WAY.

[GypsyMoth]

op hasnt said who is primary care.....but he has a good case for joint residency,so dont anyone assume op will get 'custody'....by the way,no such thing as custody,its been 'residency' for years now

[Sassybeast]

Well as someone has already mentioned the 1950s, perhaps your poor DP doesn't think that he would stand a cat in hells chance of having his little girl stay with him. And perhaps once he realises that it's a distinct possibility, then he will change his mind.
Tell him to speak to a solicitor about his options and once he's realised that you don't get automatic control over what happens, then he may be better placed to arrange residency with him.
If money is no object with the new bloke, he can buy you a house nearby and you can still see her without rubbing her dads face in it all.

[pinkthechaffinch]

he is saying he can't handle you in the same town now, he will probably feel differently in a few months time, when it's all sunk in.

[beautifulswan]

I agree allegrageller, most 4 year olds would be devastated at a mother leaving. How odd to suggest it!

[onclefestere]

get in touch with a solicitor and ask for CAFCASS mediation.

[GypsyMoth]

well said saasy!!

and actually,having been through the courts and read/seen a lot on the way through,its not so uncommon for children to stay with the father in situations like this. if the mother DOES plan/attempt to move away then prohibited steps orders etc can ensure the dc stay put.......with schools/nursery/friends/extended family,as well as dad and her home all being left behind,it can be argued that the 'primary' carer hasnt put the childs best interests first.

yes,the dad maybe see's the fathers for justice brigade and thinks he stands no chance....he maybe needs educating.

[shesgotherlipstickon]

Erm actually in situations like this, I have seen it a few times. Care always seems so go to the Father if they get the right legal advice.

Courts don't take well to people flouncing off with other people, upheaving the children from school/friends/family. Be it male or female.

They don't see it as putting the childs interests firts.

[animula]

Going back to the OP and just to re-emphasise:

You both need mediation. It's a mess but your daughter needs to be put first. Mediation is clearly urgently needed. Your dh is still in the first bit of the emotional journey of splitting up - where he's focussed on the loss of his partner. he's going to need help getting through that, if only to be able to deal with a new timetable - this one arranged around how a relationship with his child can be sustained, and her relationship with him.

That really is paramount as a long-term goal.

I think onciefestere has posted the organisation I was thinking of (along with Relate).

[GypsyMoth]

beautifulswan Tue 21-Jun-11 12:25:27
I agree allegrageller, most 4 year olds would be devastated at a mother leaving. How odd to suggest it!


how devastated? op said this....'We have a 4 year old dd, who loves her daddy to bits and he is a great dad '

makes you wonder

[MsTeak]

Tiffany, you're missing the point, theres no right or wrong, and certainly you can't just say "whoever had the affair can't have the kid". The only way to work it out is to see what is in the best interest of the child, and in the majority of cases that is for a young child to be with its mother, for sensible reasons.

Custody isn't the prize for being a better person, the only thing that matters is whats good for the child. And since I'm guessing you haven't met this child, how you think you can decide that on the internet is beyond me!

[animula]

Btw - the OP keeps reiterating that she doesn't want to move.

Are lodgers an option in your house?

[animula]

MsTeak - I am so sorry - I namechecked you entirely misappropriately in an earlier post. My apologies - fingers typing without brain fully switched on.

[moscow]

There is nothing more important here than what is best for the child. No one, man or woman, and least of all a child, should be 'punished' for a failed marriage. We're all human, and when two people are married, or in a long term relationship, they each have an equal responsibility to that marriage or that relationship. If it fails, it is down to both, not one, of them. And a relationship has already failed if an affair occurs... it doesn't mean it can't be mended but it's not the affair that breaks the relationship, it's broken already.

When both adults in it are equally responsible, an affair by either party is largely irrelevant in the greater scheme of things. Nothing matters except what is best for the child.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

I think you should terminate this pregnancy, move out, or stay, with or without your DD (but whastever you decide, decide in agreement with your H) but stay near your H either way. He's hurting and hopefully he's a good dad who can put his DD's needs first, and will still take an active role in her parenting.

Then in a couple of years when OM's divorce is though and his DCs have got used to it all, then you decide whether you want to live with OM and have DCs with him.

Rushing into things because you have carelessly got pregnant is a terrible idea.

[MsTeak]

Since when do people advise complete strangers to have abortions?

[kaluki]

Bloody hell
Who are you people.
Leave your DD
Have an abortion.
All because she had an affair!!!
WTF

[EricNorthmansMistress]

That's my advice. The option is there - I think she should take it. I think that continuing with this pregnancy would bring lots of problems, for her, for her H, for her DD, for her OM and for her OM's DCs. Their lives would be simpler and better if she weren't pregnant - the option is there for her not to be - I think she should take it.

[MsTeak]

I'm sure she can think through that option on her own.

[kaluki]

I reported your post EricNorthmansMistress.
Sorry - but you just can't advise someone to have an abortion because it would make life simpler!
The OP hasn't ever asked if she should continue with her pregnancy and it is not for you to suggest she has a termination.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

She asked for advice on Mumsnet right back atcha

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Go for it Kaluki - it's perfectly sound advice. Termination is legal and it's a legal and valid course of action. I stand by my view.

[Thingsfallapart]

OP, when I split with my oldest childs father he did this whole 'if you leave me it will be too painfull for me to see my son' routine, it was emotional blackmail and hurt our son far more than it hurt me.
Thats what this sounds like to me, punnishing the child to get at you. That does not sound like someone putting their DC first, I hope that it is the shock and that he will soon realise that his child should be far more important to him than you are.

[Sassybeast]

Kaluki - I'm not telling her that she should leave her daughter because she had an affair. I'm saying that as this family is now broken, she and her partner shouldn't automatically assume that SHE has residency of the little girl and that SHE gets to be in control. Of course the little one is the priority in all of this but why on earth is there the automatic assumption that her best needs will be met only by having residency with her mother?