I'm a really awful person

[Horrid]

I'm a new member, I don't know where to start...i've done something terrible, and i just need to write this down as i can't talk to anyone else right now.

I don't expect understanding or anything, call me what you like, it can't be anything worse that what i've already thought of.

Basically, i have been having an affair, and am now pregnant (7 weeks). There is no chance it's my dp's as we havent had sex in nearly 2 years, and the time before that was when my daughter was conceived in May 2006....we have just basically become mates who share a bed in my eyes.

It all came out last night, dp is understandably devastated, said he still loves me etc and should have paid me more attention etc, he really really loves me, and would be willing to stay with me (why o why didn't he tell me this years ago...). But it's gone for me now, we have just moved to a new house (was supposed to be our dream), so it's just all really sh*t. I know i should have ended it first, but i just got carried away, and well, i love the father of my unborn. I do 'love' my dp, just not in that way anymore.

We have a 4 year old dd, who loves her daddy to bits and he is a great dad, and i said last night that we would stay near each other so he can see her as much as poss, as i can't bear to separate them, but he said that wouldn't work as it would kill him to see me and we would just end up slagging each other off. (i would like to think we wouldn't) so does that mean he doesn't want to see her at all?

What i am asking is, has anyone been through this before? what did you do, how did you manage the practicalities first, trying to work out how we can separate as amicably as possible and sorting out the house (which neither could afford on our own), and then how do i explain it all to our daughter?

sorry for dumping all this, but i really don't know what to do now.....

[tadpoles]

Horrid - sorry cross posted!!

"OP that's good that you have plans to raise both DCs as a single parent and have thought that through. " God - who are you, the bloody Pope??

[Horrid]

I don't have an issue with what Eric said, i asked for advice, I have considered a termination, she is being very sensible.... i just can't do it! I've wanted another baby for a couple of years (not that I did this deliberately you understand, we did use protection, just not very well obviously...) and this may well be my last chance, i'm not a spring chicken....

[tadpoles]

Apart from the termination bit that is......

[TotallyLovely]

FAB I don't see how that could have been responding to a post by the OP when she had never even considered an abortion and neither did the OM. And I don't see how . . .

actually having an abortion could make it suffer the least as opposed to being born into a family with separated/distraught parents

. . . could be taken any other way!

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Pro-lifism is bonkers

[TotallyLovely]

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar It's not "prolife crap" to take offence to those saying that this pregnancy should be terminated because it's very existence is an inconvenience to others! If the OP had said she was considering it then fair enough but that wasn't her reason for starting this thread.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Tadpoles

No, I'm not the Pope. I doubt the Pope would advise the OP to have a termination, or raise her children alone. Goodness me, how vitriolic people do get.

[buzzsore]

I don't think it's about melodrama and shame - it's a question of "is this a good situation to bring a baby into?" A divorce, unstable relationships, a lot of disruption & turbulence. A termination is a legitimate choice if the parent-to-be didn't think she could cope or whatever. As it is, the op wants the baby and thus it's a moot point. But I don't think it's a bad question to raise, to help someone explore their options.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Indeed, Eric.

[allegrageller]

Intriguing that the 'father's rights' suggestions start coming up in the context of supposed 'bad' behaviour by the woman (even though we can have no idea of the OP's actual marital situation). What a projection by posters clearly obsessed by the 'bad deal' fathers supposedly get on separation. (Also notable from the use of unjustified pejorative working such as 'flouncing off', when the OP said nothing at all about leaving the area and in fact said SHE, not he, wanted 50:50).

A Q for Sassybeast- In what universe do men 'get custody most of the time' when they ask for it? The court makes a balanced judgement about what is best for the child. Gender of the carer doesn't come into it. They will privilege the status quo (i.e. if OP left without her dd and then tried to return to previous arrangements, it would be harder for her to do this), and previous patterns of care which let's face it are usually left down to mothers. So in most cases you will find there isnt' a clear gendered pattern as to residence decisions.

Incidentally for posters despairing at the court-induced apathy of dads, xH's reaction to my leaving him was to demand SOLE custody of our kids (which he did not get). It's hardly the only or even usual shock reaction to say 'oh, you have the kids, then'....

If he turns down 50:50 when it's offered, it seems pretty unlikely that is due to being a poor oppressed dad who's too downtrodden to demand his rights.

[TheOriginalFAB]

TL I was responding to this post by the OP - "This baby has not done anything other than...."

[NormanTebbit]

Horrid; OK so you have considered it. It's not what you want to do. Fine. Perhaps people can move on now.

[allegrageller]

tbh it would seem a bit, well, insensitive to suggest a termination- that would surely have occurred to the OP already if she was willing to countenance it as an option. But hardly the suggestion of an 'evil bitch'

[Sassybeast]

Allegra - in no universe that I've referred to
Wrong poster?

[allegrageller]

oops sorry Sassy :) bit rushed as ought to be working not reading interesting threads....

[BettySuarez]

What a mess!

I agree with other posters who have said that you should now go it alone and live independently at least for a while.

I am also struggling to believe your DH when he says he doesn't want 50/50 custody and think that this may his initial reaction to shock.

If I were in your shoes, I would do the decent thing and move out leaving my DD with her father. I really see no reason why she or he should be split from each other and have their lives turned upside down when neither of them have done nothing wrong.

[BettySuarez]

sorry that should say 'anything' wrong obviously

oh lord - my grammar!

[TotallyLovely]

Betty But would it be the decent thing? Lets assume that the OP is the primary carer for her DD. One day her mum moves out. Who looks after her now? Her daughter will feel abandoned. This isn't about who has done wrong, it's about what is best for the child and at the moment I think the best thing is that she is carried on being cared for every day by the person who usually does it.

[GypsyMoth]

Well mum and dad both work. Assume the dd is at school/nursery

Depends how you define primary carer. It would be for CAFCASS to decide when taking all factors into consideration. Then a judge could rule as he see's fit. If it went that far

Shared residency is becoming more obtainable in the courts.

[MsTeak]

I also agree that Eric was unfairly attacked, as while I stick by my opinion that a sensitive issue like that shouldn't be brought up unless asked, I think the name calling was entirely unfair and unwarranted. Just to make my position clear: no problem with the opinion, just that I think its inappropriate as a seemingly casual observation by a stranger.
My apologies though if my point seemed stronger than that.

[Horrid]

I really don't know who would be classed as the primary care giver...We both work full time, i do compressed hours so 4 days a week, and dd and i do things on my day off (playgroup and lunch). I also work from home on Fridays so she can have a shorter nursery day, and i can get a head start on the washing. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing. He does bedtimes, as she insists on him doing the stories as he lets her get away with playing up, and can take over an hour (a bone of contention between us there). Saturdays i take her swimming while he has a lie-in, sunday is my lie-in but he just goes downstairs with her and falls asleep on the sofa...

[moscow]

OP, can I ask you a question: do you want to separate and potentially be with the OM (because you are in love with him), or do you feel that is what should now happen because you have had an affair? In other words, do you see any potential for you and your DH to try to explore whether you could make your marriage better (and deal with the inevitable difficulties that arise when someone has an affair)? Or is it a foregone conclusion for you, that you and your DH should split because of what has happened?

[Horrid]

I can't see how it can go back to what we were, and i wouldn't want it too, dp says he loves me, but we have no intimacy, just a quick peck before bed and i need more than that. Dp would have to seriously change and i don't think that's fair on him to try and become something he's not. I'd also find it hard to live with him, knowing what i've done, and having another mans child. I would like to be with OM, even if it's not poss in the short term, as there has always been the potential there even though we have been with other partners....

I do think separating is the best thing, i've been with him since i was 19 and at university, and i feel like i've grown up and he hasn't (although he is 10 years older). We don't do anything, we never go out, and just sit in front of the telly drinking of an evening (well, weekends only for me) and going outside for a smoke...

I even started drinking more and smoking again because it gave us something to do together and i thought it may lead to more, but it never has...

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Betty the op moving out and starting a new family would be a hideous thing to put her dd through, and in no way "decent".

Please don't do that, horrid

[akaemmafrost]

I think it is utterly inappropriate to offer termination as an option to someone who has not suggested it themselves.

I cannot believe people are suggesting that the OP should have to leave her daughter because she had an affair, what century are we living in ffs!?

OP, I am not sure that your new man sounds like much of a good option tbh, I agree you should be alone for a while to clear your head. From what you have written I would say that you are Primary Carer.

While none of this ideal, stuff happens, relationships break down and dramatically declaiming that you could not be with your daughter as much of possible because of how painful it would be for YOU smacks of Drama Queenism and immaturity. My first thought after considering how it would affect my poor dc, when I broke up with my ex H, was how much time with my children could I wring out of the situation, real fear about not being with them for in the way I used to ie the majority of the time occupied me, not how bad I was going to feel about having to see him. Maybe he is just upset and will start seeing things more clearly, hopefully.