I'm a really awful person

[Horrid]

I'm a new member, I don't know where to start...i've done something terrible, and i just need to write this down as i can't talk to anyone else right now.

I don't expect understanding or anything, call me what you like, it can't be anything worse that what i've already thought of.

Basically, i have been having an affair, and am now pregnant (7 weeks). There is no chance it's my dp's as we havent had sex in nearly 2 years, and the time before that was when my daughter was conceived in May 2006....we have just basically become mates who share a bed in my eyes.

It all came out last night, dp is understandably devastated, said he still loves me etc and should have paid me more attention etc, he really really loves me, and would be willing to stay with me (why o why didn't he tell me this years ago...). But it's gone for me now, we have just moved to a new house (was supposed to be our dream), so it's just all really sh*t. I know i should have ended it first, but i just got carried away, and well, i love the father of my unborn. I do 'love' my dp, just not in that way anymore.

We have a 4 year old dd, who loves her daddy to bits and he is a great dad, and i said last night that we would stay near each other so he can see her as much as poss, as i can't bear to separate them, but he said that wouldn't work as it would kill him to see me and we would just end up slagging each other off. (i would like to think we wouldn't) so does that mean he doesn't want to see her at all?

What i am asking is, has anyone been through this before? what did you do, how did you manage the practicalities first, trying to work out how we can separate as amicably as possible and sorting out the house (which neither could afford on our own), and then how do i explain it all to our daughter?

sorry for dumping all this, but i really don't know what to do now.....

[moscow]

OP, you can do it, if you both want to, it IS possible. MY DH and I are living proof. Best of luck to all of you.

[Rycie]

Well Horrid, it does sound as if he seriously wants it to work, and I think in this situation its worth it to give it every chance you can. But things are going to have to change dramatically.

You both need to learn to communicate better with each other, without that there can be no real intimacy imho. Perhaps counselling would help?

Also, its sounds as if you're both a bit apathetic and stuck in a rut. Very understandable when trying to deal with all the demands of work, household and childrearing. But the drinking and smoking has to stop. It's an escape - but you escape from each other at the same time which is not good. I say this without judgement.

Be sober in the evenings, have dinner together at the table. Turn the telly off. Talk to each other. You both need to reengage with life and with each other, and get some energy back into your relationship.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Best of luck. I think you need to get to counselling asap. I hope it works out for you. My view is possibly helpful and possibly not, because your story sounds familiar in some ways (not all) and My H and I have just decided to split. At the end of the day I didn't get the love back, and nor did he. We have limped on for the past six months since the thing with the OM ended and came out and it just hasn't worked. I really, honestly wish you the best, and I hope you get the love back that you need to feel for him. A marriage which is holding on to the cracks with your fingertips and ignoring the elephant in the room is just awful.

[PrettyMeerkat]

wow!

[Horrid]

He said he will bring the baby up as his, without prejudice. He would rather it was his obviously, but if it means he can have me, he will do anything.

He blames himself, just kept putting it off so to speak. i go to bed earlier usually, while he smokes (pot) and drinks, and he just kept telling himself tomorrow, or next week and i dont really think he knew how long it had been. He obviously knew that things were not right that way, but was probably deluding himself that it was just a 'blip'. So things are going to change, both of us are going to make more of an effort, get to know each other again, take it slow, start 'dating' a bit (which to be honest was something we never really did even at the start!), try and remember who we were once and see if we can be again....

He said all this has taken the blinkers off his eyes and he can't beleive he let it happen. But he said he loves me more than anything in the world, and everything he thinks of, past and future, involves me, and obviously our dd. He did want us to have another child, and although he is not the father, he really wants us to try and make a go of it.

Neither of us are under any illusions that it will be easy. I told him he needs to be sure he can do this, otherwise it will eat him up inside and we will end up hating each other. We haven't yet talked about how much involvement the biological father will have so i really don't know what will happen there. But of he's willing to try after what i have done, i don't know how i can throw it all away without giving it a go....

[schmarn]

That's a brave decision Horrid but you do understand that if you are to make a genuine attempt at reconciliation that you must cut off all contact with the OM (except for visitation rights once the baby is born). That will be incredibly difficult for you and if you don't feel you can do it then you may need to rethink your decision as he will always be their as a more exciting, fulfilling alternative for you. It won't be possible for you to reconcile with DP if you know the OM is sat there waiting for you.

[PrettyMeerkat]

(TL on a name change)

How does he feel about the baby? Would he be able to accept he or she? What reason does he give for not having had sex with you for 2 years?! That's a really long time!

[Horrid]

Well, DP and i had a long chat last night and the upshot is that he really wants to try and make a go of it, so i feel, as i do still love him (just not 'in love' right now) we should take it one day at a time and see how it goes, see if we can get back what we had...really not sure if i'm doing the right thing. OM is understandly not happy...but i owe it to my dd and partner to at least try....

[floyjoy]

I don't see why Eric's being attacked for offering practical advice which the OP responded to politely and rationally (on a thread that's got some bizarre 'shame'/'you wil suffer' posts on it). She said that she isn't going to have an abortion - why can't posters leave it there? The OP's situation is difficult and messy which is why she has asked for advice.

I agree with posters who point out that the OP's partner's feelings about where she and DD live shouldn't really be an issue at the moment -it's the initial gut reaction based on panic, fear and hurt and will possibly change.

However, I would caution against separating from your partner and moving in with your new P without letting a long time pass. To go from one failed relationship relatively quickly into another isn't always a great idea. The timing of all this is being driven by the fact that you're pregnant but you can pull back and give proper consideration to your situation. You could live without either man, at for at least a few months. Your relationship with your new P is that of an affair while in a unfulfilling relationship with your P. It wasn't a fully committed and/or a living-together-every-day-with-a-child-and work-and bills relationship. You have to weigh up that relationship, his relationship with your DD, all of which takes time. You don't have to move in together at all.

MN is full of posters who are trying to come to terms with the end of a realtionship, the emotional and practical impact of that on them, their child, etc. and everyone always tells them it get easier (which it does). That period is an important stage in moving on from a relationship. To be forced (or have chosen) to be independent after a relationship ends can help make you stronger and help you assess your relationships and hopefully avoid some of the mistakes of the past.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Tadpoles

I said what I would do in that situation, and what I felt was the best thing for all the innocent parties involved - this was when I believed that the OP was planning to set up home with the OM and her DD, taking the OM 160 miles away from his DCs. I believe that it would be better for her DD and the OM's DCs if they did not do this.

It has nothing to do with 'punishing the scarlet woman' - did you miss the part where I (twice) said that I had been in a similar situation and was therefore speaking from (some kind of) experience - in that I actually had to face the possibility of being pregnant by someone else and decide what I would have done had that occured.

Bringing in a comparison to Saudi is a little bit hyperbolic, don't you think? As was comparing me to the Pope (WTF?) especially as I'm advocating a choice that is not available under both of those regimes. And i was advocating a choice not forcing anyone to do anything.

I was actually referring to all the posters who had reacted so strongly to my posts when I talked about vitriol, including the one who called me an evil fucking bitch. I don't think you can deny that's vitriolic.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Well, EricN did maybe. But I seriously don't understand the reaction.

Besides the op has now said that she considered and rejected termination - there's no need to discuss it anymore.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Ffs tadpoles - nobody said the op should have a termination.

if you want an abortion ruckus take it elsewhere.

[tadpoles]

Eric - I do not believe I was particularly vitriolic. I just find the fundamentalist attitude towards a woman being unfaithful (to the extent that she 'should' have a termination because it is her lover's child) completely - ridiculous quite frankly. It is interesting that you should turn around the suggestions that you are making inappropriate judgements and describe it as 'vitriol'. Hmmmmmmm
Well, luckily we are not living in Saudi because we know what happens there to women who do not do what their husbands want them to do......

[maleview70]

Not all men want 50/50 custody even if they have been wronged. It's not always practical. Your dp wasn't having sex with you at all so it's no surprise you went elsewhere. My exw did too for the same reason and I don't blame her to be honest. Funny thing is with the next woman I went out with we were at it all the time. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there.

Good luck

[allegrageller]

snap Jenai- gender of the parent's got nothing to do with it, it's about the actual care the child receives from each parent and what the child stands to lose from any change.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

I thought about how I'd respond if the op was a man before I posted; my response would be the same (don't leave and set up home with the ow straight away). I'd be looking to sort out 50/50 residency too - or as close as practicable.

[toomanyeasterbunnies]

wrongdecade I just had to post although I have not read all those posts on this thread. If this thread was "my DH had an affair and got the OW pregnant" people would be screaming from the rooftops kick him out!! why does an unfaithful woman deserve preferencial treatment to an unfaithful man?

I did post something along these lines not so long ago and most comments were along the lines of "kick him out". I did ask him to leave as my head was such an awful mess but he is back and we now we are trying to work things out. I don't think the OP deserves any sympathy and I just feel so sorry for her poor DD and DH.

[allegrageller]

would they wd? Well then that would be pretty shortsighted in a situation where we didn't know the details of the pre-existing relationship.

I do think a lot of posters on here get off on denouncing infidelity as the number one moral crime; if a dad was a primary carer (note the if) I don't see any reason why his infidelity should lead to his losing primary residence of his child.

A far greater majority of dads are not the primary carer- hence there is far less disruption to their children's lives if they leave, and presumably that is why they often agree to do so. You can't actually evict your partner for infidelity.

Also in what sense does the unfaithful husband leaving mean that he also gives up residence of his child and hands over all control to the wronged wife? The posters on here talking about father's rights could correct you on that one. Shared residence is no respecter of adultery.

[wrongdecade]

As much as I don't really have any advice for OP I think her own guilt will be punishment enough and someone will find out I can guarantee that will be shame enough without people she doesnt actually know sticking the boot in.

" god, Betty...'do the decent thing and move out...' because you are a Fallen Woman, is what you really meant to say, isn't it?? and such women can't be treated as human beings like the rest of us. " Erm, I think its a fairly decent reaction.

If this thread was "my DH had an affair and got the OW pregnant" people would be screaming from the rooftops kick him out!!
why does an unfaithful woman deserve preferencial treatment to an unfaithful man?

[allegrageller]

indeed,, MsTeak.

[schmarn]

So long as the OP is aware that there is every chance that the OM will leave her as he has done the mothers of his four other children, then she should get on with it.

If possible, she should stay near DP. I know he said that he couldn't handle seeing her but that is basically his last desperate attempt to persuade her to stay. For all his faults he clearly loves his daughter and is going to want to see her so if OM is able to move then that's the best course as DD's life needs to be disrupted as little as possible.

[MsTeak]

If you've had sex with your wife twice in FIVE YEARS, and you know shes terribly unhappy about it, surely you can't be that shocked and surprised that she's slept with someone else?
Not saying it makes it ok, not at all, but really, can't be a massive bombshell, can it?

[allegrageller]

god, Betty...'do the decent thing and move out...' because you are a Fallen Woman, is what you really meant to say, isn't it?? and such women can't be treated as human beings like the rest of us.

Tiffany's quite right- shared residence is always an option and in the end the court and CAFCaSS would sort this out (if it ever got to that point). However, no court in the world is going to back up the moralising judgement of people on this thread that a woman who has Sinned must leave the family home and relinquish her child entirely to the other parent. Especially if he doesn't seem to actually want full residence!

[moscow]

OP, you could have been me, almost exactly, except I wasn't PG...

I asked because I also felt like you do... I told my DH, and I wanted to separate, because I wanted to be with the OM but also because I felt so strongly we couldn't possibly go back. The marriage was irrevocably damaged, had been dying for a long time, and we had not been able to work together to put it right. The affair was the last straw and 'proved' to me my marriage was over and I could not stay with my DH. My view was how could anyone? Also that how could I respect my DH if he even considered taking me back?

This thread is not about me, but I asked you that because I don't think we always have to assume things, or how someone else will react when really pushed, or what they might be capable of doing (and I mean that in the context of working through the mess, the relationship, what's gone wrong. what both need to put right).

I think you need to take some time, to work out what you really want... not be swayed by the fact that your marriage is, for the moment, destroyed, or the fact that you love OM, or even the fact that you are pregnant. Your emotions will be very high and so are your DH's. A lot of good friends helped suppport me when my DH and I were separated, and I was adamant we were staying like that. My oldest friend was also supportive but in a very different way, and later, when DH and I were back together, she said she stood back because she saw how high everyone's emotions were, and that no -one should make life-changing decisions while it's like that.

My advice? To stay at home, talk to your DH, ask him what he wants, and more importantly, how he thinks the two of you could ever come back from this...considering the child is not, but OM's. It is very probable that you can't come back from it, and also that he doesn't want that, but I think everyone need to feel, for their own ability to move on in whatever direction, that they explored all the options. Take your time, there is no rush. Not even the due date of your baby means there is a rush.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

And wrt the op's dp - he's hardly been making an effort.

I'm not saying that an affair was the appropriate reaction to that, but these things happen (and it's no bloody surprise quite honestly).