I'm a really awful person

[Horrid]

I'm a new member, I don't know where to start...i've done something terrible, and i just need to write this down as i can't talk to anyone else right now.

I don't expect understanding or anything, call me what you like, it can't be anything worse that what i've already thought of.

Basically, i have been having an affair, and am now pregnant (7 weeks). There is no chance it's my dp's as we havent had sex in nearly 2 years, and the time before that was when my daughter was conceived in May 2006....we have just basically become mates who share a bed in my eyes.

It all came out last night, dp is understandably devastated, said he still loves me etc and should have paid me more attention etc, he really really loves me, and would be willing to stay with me (why o why didn't he tell me this years ago...). But it's gone for me now, we have just moved to a new house (was supposed to be our dream), so it's just all really sh*t. I know i should have ended it first, but i just got carried away, and well, i love the father of my unborn. I do 'love' my dp, just not in that way anymore.

We have a 4 year old dd, who loves her daddy to bits and he is a great dad, and i said last night that we would stay near each other so he can see her as much as poss, as i can't bear to separate them, but he said that wouldn't work as it would kill him to see me and we would just end up slagging each other off. (i would like to think we wouldn't) so does that mean he doesn't want to see her at all?

What i am asking is, has anyone been through this before? what did you do, how did you manage the practicalities first, trying to work out how we can separate as amicably as possible and sorting out the house (which neither could afford on our own), and then how do i explain it all to our daughter?

sorry for dumping all this, but i really don't know what to do now.....

[kaluki]

"What i am asking is, has anyone been through this before? what did you do, how did you manage the practicalities first, trying to work out how we can separate as amicably as possible and sorting out the house (which neither could afford on our own), and then how do i explain it all to our daughter?"
is what she asked.

Where does it say "should I keep my baby?"

[Clytaemnestra]

"Courts don't take well to people flouncing off with other people, upheaving the children from school/friends/family. Be it male or female."

OP wants to stay in the same town and offered 50/50 residence. That sounds sensible and responsible and looking after the best interests of the child.

The father has said that he doesn't want 50/50 care as it would be "too hard"

Which bits aren't people reading?

[MsTeak]

I think some people really get off on offering "advice", theres something really vampireish about it. Especially when its has nothing to do with the query posted.

[TotallyLovely]

EricNorthmansMistress at you suggesting she should terminate the baby! Since when is it the babies fault?! The mother makes a mistake and the baby has to die to put it right?!

Jesus fucking christ!

[EricNorthmansMistress]

I'm pro-choice so all this talk of 'not the baby's fault' and 'the baby has to die' leaves me cold. The woman has made a mess, she needs to fix it with the least trauma caused to the innocent parties, who are the children and her husband. A foetus would feature pretty low on my list TBH. (I have considered this, I was in a similar position to the OP and considered what I would do if I got pregnant)

I gave my advice, as I say, it's legal and a valid option. She has posted on MN for advice including how to make it as amicable as possible and best for her daughter. I gave my advice.

[TotallyLovely]

EricNorthmansMistress You tell someone to kill their baby and then just shrug about it. How fucking evil are you!

Sorry I forgot, [sarcasm alert] the baby in sacrificing it's life will make everyone else's simpler and better! Try explain that to the siblings in later life!

[kaluki]

I think the DH is being a bit unreasonable in refusing 50/50 custody because he would find it "too hard".
I used to find it heartbreaking handing my dc over to their father and his new girlfriend every other weekend, but I did it for them. They were more important than my feelings and they need to have a relationship with their Dad.

[Sassybeast]

The poor guy has just received some fairly devastating news - you seriously expect him to have had time to digest that and make a rational decision about residency? And why should it be up to the Op to 'offer' him anything. Again, the whole notion that the sacred cow that is motherhood has the ultimate say over what happens to the kids.

[TotallyLovely]

Does it not occur to you that the baby is an innocent party as well?

[MsTeak]

I'm also pro-choice, but its a sensitive subject and normal people don't just throw it out as advice without being asked about it. You wouldn't do it in a RL conversation I bet, just as a keyboard warrior.

[Ormirian]

I think you should stop even discussing this until your DH has had time to take it all in and digest it. He must be feeling completely blown away. How can he make a rational decision in the circumstance?

[GypsyMoth]

just dont all assume that the dp isnt in shock and may well CHANGE HIS MIND!!

also,op,does he know the other man? as you've known him so long,wondering if they know each other?

[kaluki]

Agree TotallyLovely.
I'm pro choice as well ENM. Every woman has the right to decide and if the OP had asked if she should keep her baby your advice would have been fine.
She didn't ask though did she?

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Wow TotallyLovely...you're really not lovely at all!

MsTeak - it's a sensitive subject, sure. OP is free to ignore my opinion, as she is free to ignore anybody's. As I said though, I was in a similar position and if I had fucked up and got pregnant I would have fixed my mistake with the least fall out to all involved. That's my advice, she asked for advice, and I gave it.

OP if you are very pro-life and I have offended you then I apologise.

[Horrid]

He knows of the other man, as i have often talked about him as a friend, but it through work and they may have met once, many years ago, but he probably wouldn't remember. I have considered a termination, but whilst i am pro-choice, it's not something i feel i can do. This baby has not done anything other than have the misfortune of me being its mother....

[buzzsore]

I'm sure once the dp has had time to think, he'll want access. He'll get over the initial "it'll kill me to keep seeing you, op" and start moving on with his life. Both his & your best bet is to give him a bit of time to get his head together and work on getting legal/financial advice.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Kaluki - you agree with TotallyLovely? All of it?

[pfbornot]

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for the OP.

But if any good can come out of this situation, to anybody reading, DO NOT have an affair . It just hurts so many people, most of them totally innocent.

[GypsyMoth]

so will it all work financially? its something which will be an issue eventually

how much access were you thinking of for dd? because whilst its amicable now,eventually your dp will start asking for things you wont want to give

are you stating locally for certain? or will she have to move from her friends/groups/nursey/grandparents etc?

[GypsyMoth]

you need to stop being down on yourself,its done now,you did wrong yes. but its done

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Horrid would you have told your H if you hadn't got pregnant?

Do you think you and the OM will be moving in together with your DD?

Are you pleased that you got pregnant as it forced you to tell your H and may force the OM to move close to/in with you?

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I haven't been there. But if I was, I'd give my husband time to let this information sink in. I'd expect him to be angry and confused, and I'd take any verbal on the chin. I'd book some mediation, so that we could try and work out what was best for our daughter, without it becoming a slanging match. I'd sort out the end of my marriage before I even considered building a life with the OM. I'd decide whether I wanted this baby, based on doing it solo. Let's be honest, your OM doesn't have a great track record. I'd explain to my daughter that mummy and daddy don't love each other in the same way any more, but will always love her. I would absolutely try and stay near her father, because telling someone you're leaving and then moving a hundred miles away with their child would be horribly cruel to both the father and the child. I'd expect to make sacrifices, because I had created a hurtful situation.

[TotallyLovely]

Eric An overreaction to be upset that you are TELLING someone to end a childs life to make everyone elses life simpler? How do you know how the other children will react? Once over the shock they may be pleased to have a new sibling and wouldn't find it the inconvenience that you suggest! Especially the 4yo who at that age is likely to just accept a new addition to the family. If it is handled right and explained to them properly then there is no need to end a persons life because of it.

This stood out to me - I'm pro-choice so all this talk of 'not the baby's fault' and 'the baby has to die' leaves me cold. -

I think you are cold full stop.

[Clytaemnestra]

I wrote "offer 50/50 custody" as she was offering it as a solution to custody, not that she was offering 50% of the child as it is hers to give as she is woman

I think 50/50 custody is the best solution if both parents are good parents. You can be a good parent and a crap wife/husband.