DP jealous of ex

[americandreams]

I split with my husband earlier this year and soon after got into a relationship with DP. My ex was controlling and at times violent but we have a young son together so it isn't possible to cut ties with him.

Next weekend I have been invited to my ex in-laws wedding anniversary party and I plan on going because I was quite close to my ex's mother and his two sisters and it would be nice to see them.

DP says he loves me and sees a future with me but if I want to "play happy families" then it is over.

I'm so confused because I have strong feelings for DP and don't want to hurt him but is it really so strange to be civil with an ex for the sake of my son?

AD...because of which of these two blokes is the red flag list worrying you ?

both of them ?

Which flags particularly, americandreams?

With the new info on your ex - and the recent interaction I have had with MINE these last few days - I would also agree that perhaps, as he is thinking there is more to this party than you are prepared to accept, that it's not a good idea to attend.

I still don't like the DP threats of ending it unless you agree not to go, and still think you need to do some very hard thinking on the way he is trying to control you for his own insecurity. Trouble is now, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't!

If you don't go, P thinks he has won and it potentially sets you up to more little trantrums when he feels like it, on the other, you defy him, go to the party and into the clutches of the Ex, he makes an arse of himself, you suffer and then DP says told you so Argghhh!

I think the best thing, if you get on with them, is to call your exMIL and talk to her about it, say you wanted to come, but that EX is under the impression that there is a reconciliation on the cards, and there isn't.

Make it clear to all (including your P) for that reason AND THAT REASON ONLY, you may not be able to attend.

Tell P that you have made a decision based on the situation and not on his threats to end the relationship, and if it were not for the ExH saying you were an item, you would go whether he was happy to 'let you go' or not.

Make sure that you take an equal partner stance in everything you do from now on. Remember that you don't need to ask his permission to do anything, and you are more than capable of making your own decisions. You will hear his opinion, but the last word in your life is YOURS.

You were brave to get out of a very bad relationship. Jury's still out on whether you are in a much better one, but in any case, you owe it to yourself and to your DS to be in as strong a position as possible.

AF

A lot of them apply to ex and a few to DP
I've decided I'm not going to the party and will probably call ex-MIL and explain like you said HerHissyness but you're right, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't

I as so happy that you are being so honest with yourself (and us ) over this.

As I said, if you do decide not to go, explain VERY clearly to P why you are not going and that it is never OK to threaten you with anything to get you to do what HE wants you to.

Now is the time to be firm, actually with both Ex and P.

I swear, if you get the Why Does He Do That book? you will be so much stronger and able to spot manipulation by the ex and potential from anyone else.

I'm no expert.. ha ha ha, FAR from it, but I would hate to see another soul go into a relationship that is abusive. Try to remember that even bad relationships start off well, but if you are spotting stuff now, then you know to keep your eyes open.

Of course you have to decide where the cut off point is, if it gets to it, and that's the hard part.

but perhaps that is another thread for another day. As I said, PM me if every you wish to.

Hopefully I'm not back in a few weeks or months posting about the same thing

I'm so glad you took the time to read the list OP and I agree with everything HerHissyness said above.

The Lundy book changed everything for me. Until I read it I went from one abusive relationship to another. Once I learned the signs it became a lot easier to spot an abuser.

They do follow a pattern and the warning signs are always there if you know what to look for. The fact that you have recognised red flags in DP's behaviour after only 6 months is hugely significant. That side of him is not going to go away and the longer you stay, the more he will reveal his true self. The trouble is, it also gets harder to leave the longer you stay too.

As others have said, after leaving an abusive relationship you are particularly vulnerable. Abusive men are predatory and can spot and exploit that vulnerability. By learning what constitutes a healthy relationship you can change your old patterns and avoid repeating the same mistakes.

I hope you don't have to come back here either, but I think you would really benefit from talking through the past and the present to see what you will and will not accept.

give your internal compass a bit of a tune up as it were!

FWIW, I think the next thing will come, but it not be the same as this time around. it'll be different. abuse is insidious like that, it's like water, if there is a hole, it'll find it's way in.

You know more now than you did do at the beginning of this week you have some helpful tools in your arsenal, but the Lundy Bancroft Book will really help you understand the undercurrent. I can't stress it enough, it'll never be money wasted.

Look into doing the Freedom Programme too, I believe it's free. It'll help you heal from the ExP