Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP jealous of ex

133 replies

americandreams · 19/06/2011 08:35

I split with my husband earlier this year and soon after got into a relationship with DP. My ex was controlling and at times violent but we have a young son together so it isn't possible to cut ties with him.

Next weekend I have been invited to my ex in-laws wedding anniversary party and I plan on going because I was quite close to my ex's mother and his two sisters and it would be nice to see them.

DP says he loves me and sees a future with me but if I want to "play happy families" then it is over.

I'm so confused because I have strong feelings for DP and don't want to hurt him but is it really so strange to be civil with an ex for the sake of my son?

OP posts:
Pictish · 20/06/2011 21:34

No she cannot, sadly.

She thinks he does it out of protection and insecurity. She wants to know how SHE can make HIM feel better.

Original poster
americandreams · 20/06/2011 21:57

So you honestly think the relationship is doomed because of this one thing? I'm shocked.

OP posts:
ineedabodytransplant · 20/06/2011 22:02

it only has to start with this 'one' thing.

PatriciaHolm · 20/06/2011 22:06

I don't necessarily think it's doomed. But you have to give his actions A LOT more consideration that you are. IF (to give him the great benefit of the doubt) what he's actually saying is, "look, you'll get hurt again by being with these people and I don't want to see that and won't be here to watch it"; that's one thing.

OTOH, IF he's actually saying "You can't be friends with them, you're with me now and I won't let you" then he needs to be drop kicked to the door. From your replies, you seem to be saying well, if he does mean the latter, it's not that bad, etc - and it is, which is why people are getting so irate at your inability to see it.

tribpot · 20/06/2011 22:19

americandreams, I think threatening to finish with you because you want to go to a party with your ds and his family is pretty extreme. Let's suppose, however, it was said in the heat of the moment (doesn't exactly sound like it even though he has toned it down now?) - much as you started the thread saying he was jealous but then revised that to protective.

I'm assuming you have explained to him that he has no reason to feel insecure about you seeing your ex's family, that you are going because you like your ex-MIL and SILs and want to be civil for ds' sake, to make sure he stays close to his dad's family . What does he say in response to that? I hope it's not 'if you thought more of me you'd change your mind'. Because the sub-text of that is that you should think less of yourself, or of your ds.

What, in fact, has this got to do with him at all? Is he worried your ex is going to attack you? Presumably you wouldn't be going, and certainly wouldn't be taking your ds, if you thought there was a risk of that. Does he think you'll get back with your ex, god forbid? If that's going to happen, one party isn't going to make a difference. Does he think you shouldn't be effectively condoning your ex's former behaviour by being civil to him in public? Quite right - if you didn't have a ds to think about. But you do. Does your new partner not have any children? Perhaps this is the communication gulf that is simply too wide. You can't ignore your ex forever, much as I'm sure you would like to.

What would he say if you said to him simply: 'this isn't about you, this is about me, and ds. You have no reason to feel jealous or threatened, but I do have to do this for ds, and these events will continue to crop up. It is not a reflection on how I feel about you'. My feeling is you have said these things to him. Can he explain his concerns logically and without language like 'if you thought more of me'?

omaoma · 20/06/2011 22:21

Also wanted to summarise the concern being expressed here American:
anybody is vulnerable immediately after a break up. somebody who has escaped an abusive relationship is many many times more vulnerable.
you are in a new relationship within a very short period of time from your split from an abusive man, and the new man is acting in a controlling manner very early on in your relationship.

either he is a volatile and immature personality - because he's using hyperbole like 'i'll leave you unless you don't go!' where he should be engaging you in a discussion about why he's worried (a partner like that you'd be better off with at this point in your life) or he is also exhibiting signs of being a controller (which nobody needs at any time in their lives).

so it might seem like leaping to conclusions but really, it seems very clear to people outside the situation that probably this is going to get difficult for you. why put yourself through that when you've already had a really rough ride and it's time to give you and your son some care and calm?

Pictish · 20/06/2011 22:28

The way I see it, is that it is not 'one thing' but several things that make up this scenario.

  1. He's jealous. At best, that's just a pain in the fucking arse. And no - it's not because he loves you so much - jealousy is not flattering, ever. It's making YOU responsible for his emotional wellbeing.
  2. He has showed that in his jealousy, and issuing his ultimatum, he is also possessive.
  3. He does not take your son's needs into consideration. This a very important 'thing'. He is viewing his own needs as being of more importance to that of your son's. Who the fuck does he think he is?
  4. He uses emotional blackmail (me or them) so that his needs will take precedence. Given that you have been a couple for less than six months, and he is total newbie, he has NO right to demand that you make a choice.
  5. He is trying to assert his authority over something he has no place to. It's nothing to do with him, and he doesn't get a say. What will he decide is in his jurisdiction next?

I'm going to be frank OP. I think you have stumbled from one abusive, overbearing man into the arms of another. I think you are repeating a destructive pattern.

You are quite young OP, and I'm sorry to say, I do think you are being quite naive to believe that this man has your best interests at heart. He is not behaving this way out of love for you, but out of concern for his own feelings, which, as I have already said, he considers as being of higher value than your son's.

Pictish · 20/06/2011 22:32

Sorry I meant to say 'He is not behaving this way out of love for you, but out of concern for his own feelings, which, as I have already said, he considers as being of higher value than YOURS AND your son's.'

Xales · 20/06/2011 22:40

He is insulting your being civil for your son and dismissing it as playing happy families.

DP says he loves me and sees a future with me but if I want to "play happy families" then it is over basically everything before the 'but' is meaningless the but takes it away. So all he is saying is if you go to this then it is over it is your fault. You will have made the decision to go so everything is your fault.

You are not playing this is your son's life and family.

Within 6 months you have split from your (abusive that you son may have been aware of) H and have a new partner who is now trying to tell you what to do. Your son needs stability not a man who is going to issue ultimatums every time you do something he doesn't like and cause friction and stress.

People are telling you this relationship is doomed because if he is threatening to leave you so early in the relationship over something that is extremely important to your child he is not going to get any better when the rose tinted specs and initial bloom of the relationship is over.

Pictish · 20/06/2011 22:44

OP - trivialise this issue, and justify his behaviour to yourself at your own peril.

Original poster
americandreams · 20/06/2011 23:02

Once he calmed down he did apologise for giving me the ultimatum but said he would be disappointed if I went. tbh I haven't decided what to do.
He's not putting his needs before my son, he is only a baby and too young to understand if mummy is there or not. My ex has him nearly every weekend anyway and didn't even need to mention the party to me so perhaps this is another of his games.

OP posts:
maleview70 · 20/06/2011 23:14

Without actually being there, I don't know how people can be so critical of the op without knowing the full picture. The ex sounds like a violent man who uses his child to pop round whenever he feels like and who may very will still hold a torch for the op and as such uses his right to see his child to turn up whenever he wants. The dp may simply be pissed off with it all and whilst he has certainly not covered himself in glory with his comments, he maybe just needs to come to terms with things.

I am the most laid back person going but I have to say I had issues with my exdp due to her constantly allowing exdh who had also treated her like shit complete access to her house whenever he wanted it whatever plans had been made and he used it to full advantage. I never got to the stage of threatening to leave etc but her reluctance to stand up to him certainly led to issues in our relationship.

If he could accept that op will still see the ex family from time to time for sake of Dc then perhaps compromise can be reached. Maybe visits when the ex isn't there would be better for all. My exw and I have a great relationship and she still sees my parents. She doesn't come to family events though.

Only the op knows the dp properly and like she has said if it continues or gets worse then she won't tolerate it.

Surely giving her the benefit of the doubt is more appropriate.

Pictish · 20/06/2011 23:14

"He's not putting his needs before my son, he is only a baby and too young to understand if mummy is there or not."

But in your OP you said "is it really so strange to be civil with an ex for the sake of my son?"

So....which is it?

Pictish · 20/06/2011 23:16

Ok look - I'm going to leave it there. You have made you mind up and I would be wasting my breath.

I sincerely hope it works out well for you OP. All the very best. xxx

Original poster
americandreams · 20/06/2011 23:27

Yes I'm trying to be civil but he takes complete advantage and is always turning up at the house even when I ask him to call first. He has gone from going weeks at a time without seeing him or even asking how he was to having him most weekends and coming round whenever he feels like it Hmm All since DP has been around more.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/06/2011 08:18

I completely and utterly sympathise that your ex is making life very difficult

what people are saying is that current dp is adding to that, by employing these simplistic, knee-jerk and immature reactions to what is actually a complex situation

you and dp should be a united front against the manipulations of your ex, you shouldn't be having ^more6 stress and friction piled upon you

threats and emotional blackmail just isolates you and these are not the actions of a selfless partner who is trying to "protect" you

Original poster
americandreams · 21/06/2011 15:48

We had another argument about it this morning.He accused me of putting my ex before him and suggested perhaps I still have feelings for him.
I told him I?m putting my son first and that?s how it will always be, so if he has a problem with it then maybe we should end things.
He agreed and said perhaps we should.
Then he left for work so whether I hear from him later or not I don?t know but I won?t be calling him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/06/2011 16:00

oh dear

FWIW, I think the way you responded to his further attempts at emotional blackmail (you love your ex more than meeeeeeee < because you won't do as I say> ) was absolutely spot-on

I am sorry, love

Pictish · 21/06/2011 16:03

".He accused me of putting my ex before him and suggested perhaps I still have feelings for him."

More emotional blackmail and jealousy. He will never accept that you do this for your son. He KNOWS all for your little one, but he doesn't care - he just wants you to do what you're told and put his agenda first. If he has to invent crap like you still having feelings for your ex in order to get his way, then so be it eh?

Leave him to it OP - he's so not right for you and your situation.

Original poster
americandreams · 21/06/2011 16:06

I kind of understand where he's coming from but I don't need all this crap. As you can imagine I have been through a lot this year. I don't need more drama especially from someone I don't have any ties with.

OP posts:
Pictish · 21/06/2011 16:06

For what it's worth I'm sorry too.

You deserve better OP, you really really do.

AnyFucker · 21/06/2011 16:11

no, you don't need this drama

buzzsore · 21/06/2011 16:30

Well done for sticking to your guns, and keep sticking to them. You don't need someone who expects you to put aside your son's best interests because of his jealousy & insecurity.

I doubt you've heard the last of it 'though.

Original poster
americandreams · 21/06/2011 16:46

I think it's more insecurity than anything sinister but my ex will be part of my life for the next 17 years so he needs to learn to deal with it or move on. I'm not having my son growing up listening to arguments all the time either, it's not healthy.

OP posts:
TimeForMeIsFree · 21/06/2011 16:54

It may well be that he is insecure americandreams but using emotional blackmail and control to get his own way is something sinister. His insecurity is not your problem, it was never your place to make him feel secure by doing what he asked of you. As I said previously, this is how it starts.

I agree with buzzsore and doubt that you have heard the last of it.

Well done on your response to him though, it proves that you personally have healthy boundaries.

Swipe left for the next trending thread