DP jealous of ex

[americandreams]

I split with my husband earlier this year and soon after got into a relationship with DP. My ex was controlling and at times violent but we have a young son together so it isn't possible to cut ties with him.

Next weekend I have been invited to my ex in-laws wedding anniversary party and I plan on going because I was quite close to my ex's mother and his two sisters and it would be nice to see them.

DP says he loves me and sees a future with me but if I want to "play happy families" then it is over.

I'm so confused because I have strong feelings for DP and don't want to hurt him but is it really so strange to be civil with an ex for the sake of my son?

My ex was also appalled at how I was treating by the ex before . . . but then treated me worse.

can someone tell me why there is another thread where a womans dh has admitted having a bj from a prostitue and people are telling her to forgive him? Yet my dp is some kind of psycopath because he doesn't want me going to a party with somebody who used to kick me and punch me? Thanks for all your advice, I'm sure you mean well but I've made my mind up

I'm not telling that woman to forgive him. I realise your mind is made up, but just think about what happens next time this crops up.

Which it will.

Aiieeeee this man may not think he's controlling you, but he is.

If he's decent, IYO, sit him down and explain the importance of maintaining a relationship with your child's family. Explain that giving an ultimatum that asks you to choose between your DC's wellbeing and his, will result in your DC winning.

Hopefully, it will all work out.

It won't

I don't know, american, a lot of people are telling her to kick him out as well. Maybe because they're married with a child? And you are early enough here to just walk away?

I honestly don't understand the whole "If you loved me, you'd do [something which is nothing to do with me]" thing. Do you behave like that, OP>?

OP, I can see that you are not listening to many, many, many (sob) wise words here.

"Well he backed down a bit. He's not saying it will be over if I go anymore but he still isn't pleased. He said if I thought much of him then I will reconsider." - tells you everything you need to know:

• he is trying to control you
• he is emotionally blackmailing you
• you are engaging in another abusive relationship soon after your last one.

My ex, as a fabulous, caring, feminist, charity working man lots of the time... but it turns out those 'in-between' moments of demands, emotional blackmail and withdrawal of love.. were actually the real him (and a lot worse).

If not for you, for your son.. please think very carefully about what you do next. You are young and there are good men out there.

Some are telling her that, the majority are not. Your filter is totally askew OP.

You are going to a party for your ex MIL. You are with this bloke less than 6m and he is laying down the law already.

Please don't forget where MN is, we will always welcome you back OP, no matter how long it takes you to see what the rest of us are screaming about.

I was in just as much denial. I'm 42 now, no fucking chance of a new life for me, I lost it all in the 10 years with X. Only this year I can see it, but I would hope that had I written an OP like this years ago, some of the experience would stick with me, and make me think.

So perhaps we have to admit defeat today, that we have lost you to another abusive man, but you can't see it. Hoping that one day you will, and you will always have support from us here.

Why not read Why Does He Do That? It'll help you process your feelings about your EX and if there are any other issues that surface with DP, you will see it clearly and know that it has nothing to do with you.

Remember this OP, none of this abuse has anything to do with you. it's not ever your fault.

Not often threads make me really cry, but yours really has.

all the best to you young lady. bookmark MN please? we are always here!

OP, if you take anything away from this thread.. please make it HerHissyness's post : Mon 20-Jun-11 13:37:23

Ok OP, I get what you're saying, you haven't seen enough to make you leave, because the good points outweigh the bad.

You're an adult. It's your decision. But at least go into this with your eyes open. Your friends in happy relationships? Go get their perspective. Would it be ok for their DP's to do this?

It's ok for your DP to be uncomfortable about you going. No-one could dispute that.

It is NOT ok for him to threaten you with leaving if you don't comply.
He is not doing it in your best interests. That's an excuse. He actually is taking away your right to choose.

He should support you, not undermine you. It doesnt matter how wonderful he is in other respects, this is why its called a red flag, because IT STANDS OUT.

Good for your for standing up to him, but this won't go away. Sorry.

OP, want to agree with all the messages on here... There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said, especially as succinctly as herhissyness. You would do well for yourself to take heed of her words, even if all you do in the immediate future is to buy Lundy Bancroft's book.

Look after yourself.... please. Don't take any crap from anyone.

Blimey. Why is everybody so keen to jump in with the 'controlling' and 'abusive' comments?

OP - He is insecure and scared. In his head, irrespective of fact, your ex will doubtless present a threat to the relationship that he has with you. If you think that he is worth the (possibly significant) effort then find a way to work through the issues that he has.

ok, let's say your ex was 10/10 on the abusive, controlling scale

your (very new) DP is where ? about 4/10 at the moment (being kind tohim here)

does it bode well that he is threatening to leave you if you don't comply with what he says ?

4/10 is still bad

1/10 is too much

only 0/0 is acceptable on that scale

mild arguments that "well, not everyone is perfect" just don't cut it, sorry

oh, and FWIW, that other woman should tell her prostitute-using husband to fuck the fuck off, IMO

have not seen the comments telling the wife of the BJ husband to stay??? actually they seem to all be telling her to prepare for the worst (including mine).

OP wish you the best of luck but can you accept that possibly your filters are askew and you are not seeing things objectively?

"You are going to have to talk through that one with him...If you get through it together, then the relationship will be stronger because of it."

"as long as he realises what he stands to lose if he ever does it again; you will be on the right road"

"if this turns out to be the worst thing that ever happens, and if he never does it again, and if he's an otherwise good bloke, (nb only you can judge this) then I would say "put it behind you".

"It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, and it's also highly unlikely that he has caught something"

wtf???

OP, you'll be back here within the year, saying that your DP has completely shafted the good civil relationship you have with your ex's family.
You aren't going to the party for your ex. You are going so that your son can see that separated parents can still be civil and adult.
BTW, that new fuck had better be worth screwing your son's head up for.

I'm not attacking you American. Those posts are on there, you're right. But it's at least interesting, isn't it, that what I took from reading that thread was an overwhelming number of 'watch out' comments, whereas the 'stay with him' comments were what stood out for you?

I haven't counted but I'm certain that the 'watch out' comments outnumber the 'it'll be fine' ones.

OP, why are you bringing quotes over from another completely unrelated thread ?

is it because you haven't heard what you wanted on this one ?

the woman on the other thread had already said she wouldn't be leaving him, so those comments are damage limitation, not gospel advice (which would be tell him to fuck right off)

Jeez, americandreams. I have read the other thread and I can see that the 'get rids' outnumber the 'he's a keeper'.

As said you have only been with NP for six months but say you have known him longer. I bet there are a lot of controllers out there who look and seem like decent people. Of course they do to friends etc, as you cannot control people who are friends and aquaintences(sp?) like you can a lover/partner who is generally alone with them. If he had tried this before would you have agrred to take him on? I doubt it as you would hopefully be aware of his thoughts etc.

Is there anyone you can talk to? You are lucky to have ILs who speak to you and want to see you especially for your ds.

Being mid-20s mean you have a whole life ahead of you.

Listen to what herhissyness is saying. That poor woman is suffering it now. exchange pms with her or others and discuss what they are going/have gone through. It may just save you from the madness you seem to be heading for now.

and breathe

I knew I should have hidden this thread

OP, love. I'm not here to bully you. I'm here to help. I have said that we at MN will be here for you in whatever way you need us to be, whenever you have any doubts, quibbles or wobbles?

I would love it if you could come on here and post stuff for us to say, Nope, that's perfectly normal, you are fine and DP is being spot on about xy or z.

Sadly we don't think it sounds like he is. Oh he is telling you it's for your own protection, but then he would really wouldn't he? These people, especially the emotional abusers will tell you stuff to make you believe them. Emotional Abuse is in some ways harder to spot, harder to deal with and harder to heal from. If he were a good guy he would not threaten to leave unless you did what you were being told, he wouldn't tell you that you are hurting him by not behaving, none of this.

If you get a black eye, a few days, a week and your body will heal. You get told you have no opinion, are worthless, can't make your own decisions over and over and over again, but all in the name of protecting you. When you realise that his protection has eroded every fibre of your being, so you can barely leave the house, or defer to him on everything, for fear he will leave you, let me tell you it is worse than being caught in a trap, you can't even gnaw your own leg off to get out. Those hurts don't heal, ever. You have to go fix them yourself.

It comes as a shock, but he's not belting me, he's never raised a hand, but threatening to leave you is textbook, really it is. Telling you what you can and can't do so early on, with threats is textbook, they all do it.

Eventually he may raise his hand when you say no, when you say he's not going to leave and get bolshie with him, he might not, but then he'll probably have moulded you into someone who does as she's told by then, he might not have to get physical, you will be trained to comply, or else.

I don't mind if you leave today, tomorrow, next week, month or next year, I would hope it's as soon as possible. It took me 10years, I think you may be smarter than I was. But I know you have to do it in your own time.

When your time comes, please don't forget where you will always be welcome, where we not one of us will think you failed (cos you didn't) or that you are an idiot (because you most definitely are not) we will give you a great big hug and cry with you if that's what helps you. PM me if you ever need anyone to listen. Nothing you can say to me will scare me. ever.

PLEASE promise me one thing? that you buy Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? It will help you heal from the ex and it may help you form a new healthy relationship with others.

Oh the woman on the BJ thread is still in shock, she doesn't even believe it happened.

That'll change. It'll hit her eventually.

Why am I bringing up the other thread? Because I read about other peoples problems and the things they work through and this is nothing in comparison.
I admit I'm not happy with what he has said but honestly nothing else has happened that concerns me so I can deal with it. The positives outweigh the negatives, as soon as it is the other way round then I won't be there.

So why did you post "I'm so confused"?

You're on the defensive, as people have (as you perceive it) attacked your DP for his attempts to prevent you (and your son) from seeing his (your son's) family. He has no right to do that. It's nothing to do with him. If he's issuing ultimatums about "it's them or me" then your answer has to be them; they are your son's family who you get on well with. Can't you see that?