DP jealous of ex

[americandreams]

I split with my husband earlier this year and soon after got into a relationship with DP. My ex was controlling and at times violent but we have a young son together so it isn't possible to cut ties with him.

Next weekend I have been invited to my ex in-laws wedding anniversary party and I plan on going because I was quite close to my ex's mother and his two sisters and it would be nice to see them.

DP says he loves me and sees a future with me but if I want to "play happy families" then it is over.

I'm so confused because I have strong feelings for DP and don't want to hurt him but is it really so strange to be civil with an ex for the sake of my son?

I'm proud of you love, well done! I'm liking the tone in your posts, much more positive!

Don't compromise on this will you? please?

The precise reason you don't need this crap is precisely why we are very worried about this guy's motives. Your past year has made you very vulnerable, A normal person would not be piling this on to you. a normal guy would be supporting you throughout it all not sulking, pouting or threatening you.

Please understand that you are mid 20's, you have the world at your feet, if not this DP then another or another. You have so much to offer the world and a partner. If only you believed it! This guy is not really good enough for you, if he were he'd not be so insecure.

All abusers are insecure, that's why they cut us down to size. If he is starting off like this, please understand that he is not going to stop.

Keep your eyes open, and remember we're always here?

Am very proud of your stand as well American. Second everything Hissy says. Stay strong, your son has a great mum xxx

When we first split he wasn't interested in seeing DS so now he is I'm not going to tell him he can't see him when he wants because I'm scared he'll go the other way again.

I thought she was going independently with her son, rather than accompanying the ex? Maybe misread.

His sister has also invited me and if I did go it would be on my own.
But my ex keeps asking if I am going with him. I don't know if he's just trying to get at DP because he knows it winds him up..?

I didn't mean to be cryptic, sorry!
DP apologised but he still doesn't want me going at all. He doesn't know them and he's not invited.

American, have you done any counselling about your abusive marriage? People sometimes recommend the Freedom programme from Women's Aid for people in your position. If you haven't (sorry if it's already been discussed in the thread at all), maybe you should consider it? Just to help you know where to set boundaries and spot red flags with both your ex and your dp?

Sounds like a really difficult situation, americandreams. But do remember that if your ex strops off and decides not to see your son that is his problem, not yours.

Both of them have contacted me asking me to go. Ex seems to have got it into his head we are going together but I haven?t even agreed to go, just that I will think about it and get back to him.

It?s not the be-all and end-all but this kind of thing is going to keep cropping up so we need to agree on a way forward.

His sister knows he was violent towards me but I don?t think many other people know, it?s not something you go around telling people is it? I find it hard enough to deal with in my own head without getting questions from other people.

It sounds like ex is writing a script in his head where you're getting back together and is going to be pissed when you don't say your lines. You need to have clear boundaries with him.

I agree with everyone that has said your DP's behaviour is worrying. If I had any advice now it is to trust your instincts.. If his behaviour didn't ring any bells you would have had no need to post and that niggle you had is there to protect you. Listen to that internal voice, if you think something is unfair or out of order - IT IS and don't let anyone convince you that you are a bad person for doing so and trusting your judgement. The test of your new guy is to be assertive with him with regards to him telling you what to do. That said, you need to do the same with your ex.
If he was abusive towards you, then you shouldn't ever have to spend time with him again, and you don't need to. It's good that you are on good terms with his family, but if they know he has been violent they shouldn't expect you to, either.

Your ex is behaving this way because even though you left (well done you, it's hard and you should be proud that you got out) you sound as though he still intimidates you. My ex was also like this, so I refused to see him and told his parents (through solicitors) that they needed to do the handover as I refused to take his crap anymore. 5 years on I haven't had to see my ex at all in that time, but my dd sees her dad and gp's and all is good.

You need to set boundaries for both these men. Your ex needs set visitation times, with pick ups by his family, or at a contact centre. If you haven't already, contact Women's Aid, they will help and support you with this and everything else. And with dp, set boundaries for him and dont let him manipulate you. I do think the red flags are there but if he responds to you asserting yourself with love and understanding, perhaps he is a good man after all. If he responds with anger or tries to bend you to his will, then you have your answer.

You are stronger than you think, OP, you've done the hardest bit. Now you need to heal, and figure out what happened and how to recognise the signs in men. Read the Lundy Bancroft book for all you need to know to protect yourself. Above all, start to see yours and ds's needs as THE most important and base everything around what is best for you and him.

Please do keep coming on here, there are some very kind and wise posters who will help you to trust yourself and work your way through this. Be kind to yourself and I wish you all the best.

I disagree with a lot of what's been said here, as someone who can display jealous behaviour when it comes to my DPs exes, I can understand where this man is coming from......I have three children with the ex husband and got on with his sister but wouldnt dream of attending a family party with all the ex family there. Maybe I'm immature! Of course maintain contact, I'm not saying you should sever all ties if you don't want to but personally I would meet up privately, not at a big ex family gathering......I think it's a bit of a leap to say ditch the relationship! He obviously feels threatened by the close links with the ex above and beyond the call of duty :-/.

I was going to go but the more I think about it the more I think it?s a crazy idea. I?m sure my ex is convinced there is a chance of us getting back together and that?s partly my fault for not being strong enough and setting boundaries. Most of the time now we get on well and I don?t want to rock the boat and go back to how it was when we split, it was awful.
But DP is so good to me and I know I'm testing his patience.

AmericanDreams
For what it's worth, I agree with Dittany about your ex, and almost everyone else about your DP. Your ex is not someone it's a good idea to pander to/socialise with, and your DP is not someone whose patience you should be worried about trying. He's not saying, 'this man has treated you badly, you need to find ways to put boundaries in place' your DP is blackmailing/borderline threatening you.

Bet your ex started like that didn't he?

Neither of these men sound good for you, to be honest. I really think you need some counselling to help you see that you don't have to appease your ex or start the process again with your DP.

Good luck, I feel for you.

PS Think you should read inatrance's post again.

That's good OP you don't have to go, it sounds as though you only agreed to go because of what your ex may do otherwise.

If you ever find yourself modifying your behaviour to keep either man happy - STOP and think about what YOU want. You matter, what you think is important and particularly with regards to DP, your feelings need to be respected.

Your ex won't change until he has no other choice. If you set healthy boundaries (as little contact as poss or no contact is the best) and involve as much support as you can, WA, the police, solicitors or his family you can let him be a part of DS's life but he doesn't have to be a part of yours.

Don't let yourself be guilted into doing what HE wants. He no longer calls the shots - you do. If he wants a relationship with his DS he will have to do what you tell him. Dont be afraid that he will flounce off.. If he does that is his problem and he will be the one to lose out.

Set fair contact, (maybe every other weekend his parents collect DS and bring him back) and stick to it despite what he may do to get you to react. Refuse to ever respond to him if he kicks off, just call the police. Have a zero tolerance approach for his behaviour.

Also, please, please read this:
www.lfcc.on.ca/Red_flags_for_unhealthy_relationships.pdf

You are taking your life back OP, stay strong.

I read the link about red flags and it's a bit worrying..