Marriage v. cohabitation

[Tatties]

DP & I do not want to get married - big wedding, dressing up, etc.. just not our thing. We are as in love with each other as any couple ever could be, commitment is not an issue, but to us marriage just does not symbolise that. Why can't people get it? Your views please

We are planning on marrying next year but this is largely due to the fact that I want to have the same name as DP and the kids - should just change my name by deed poll as it will probably be cheaper!!!

Mind you would anyone choose to change their name to Smith???? Only joking its better than my name tbh!!!!

But having said that, I have only got married for love and because dh asked so nicely

If legal isues are the main ones then we will never get married. The inheritance issue is interesting as dp refuses to entertain the idea of inheriting anything, so if i die he wants nothing at all and everything will go to my children (and with no will that's what will happen), but it's coming up to 6 years we've been together so for him to have nothing, not even the cash for a roof over his head seems barmy but he is adamant..my only answer is to put him secretly in my will but i think he would refuse anyway

I don't know if I'd like to get married again or not tbh, but I'd like to be asked

depends how wealthy you are Cam . If the house is in joint names, it automatically goes to the surviving partner, married or not, and isn't subject to inheritance tax.

Making a will sorts out the inheritance problem, getting a Parental Responsibility order (or just putting him on the birth certificate, now) ensures the unmarried father has rights in relation to the child.

It is not that much of a hassle, really.

zippi you can do what you like in your will and I think its really important to have a will (even to leave everything to your children)otherwise it can take years to go through probate.

I meant if i provided for dp in my will then he would give it back, I know i should do it but I am paralysed by indecision

Hmmm, bit of paper in recognition of rights and responsibility for your children but not for your partner?

Getting married does without the need for any other "proof"

yeah, and then it goes pear-shaped and you need yet more bits of paper to undo it.

I am just cynical, really.

The birth cert itself confers parental responsibility on a named father, and you can't avoid getting that bit of paper.

think you jsut have to sit down with him Zippi and talk it through. It is really difficult to think about, I agree.

Yeah I know CarolinaMoon, I liked it so much I've done it twice

Tatties,

If you don't want to get married then you don't have to. However, this does not mean that you should leave yourself wide open to all sorts of strife in the event of a split. Cohabitation spilts can be both messy and protreacted not just to say complicated in terms of children, finances etc.

If one partner dies without leaving a will, the surviving partner will not automatically inherit anything - unless the couple owned property jointly. As a cohabiting couple you need to make wills if you wish to ensure that the other partner inherits.

Cohabitation I think is a good thing for men but it is not good for women as their "rights" are far less than what would be gained in marriage.

I got married for the free drinks and pressies!

I think everyone has stopped asking us after 10 years!!!

Again we don't want the whole dress, cake, church thing we will get married eventually I'm sure but it's not top of the agenda right now.

Marriage for me. It doesn't need to be a big event - just walk into a registry office with 2 witnesses off the street. I don't understand the "we are committed to each other and marriage won't make us more so". Take it from a married woman: yes it will!

That's a good point, Lonelymum, how do people who have never married know that it won't make any difference?

It's completely different to cohabiting (and I have done both, with kids)

Ooh dear, I'm going to sound like an old dinosaur here, but I don?t understand why any woman would ever want to have children with a man who doesn't want to marry her.

In many ways I agree with you 80smum. I certainly wouldn't have considered getting pregnant before we were married!

I have seen friends split up who were married and cohabiting and the married ones haveall come out of it better finacially. Eternal pessimist that I am!

janybops, did you cohabit with your dh before you got married?

yes for 5 years.

Yes I can fully understand why men would prefer to cohabit rather than marry. Absolutely, of course they would!

So, Janeybops, what would you have done had you got pregnant?

not sure. I was very, very, very careful!

But the chance was there so its not a moral issue

I think it was also because I never felt very broody or maternal. I certainly didn't get married so that I could have kids. I got married because it was something that I felt was an important to me. In fact we were married for a couple of years before dd arrived. She was dh idea initially - wouldn't be without her now but I wasn't sure about it at all. I think that is what I meant by the I wouldn't have had kids unless I was married.

I agree with 80smum and janey, that I wouldnt choose to have children with a man who didnt want to commit to marriage.

What changed in the 60s was that women got the pill. The mentality of men did not change.