Marriage v. cohabitation

[Tatties]

DP & I do not want to get married - big wedding, dressing up, etc.. just not our thing. We are as in love with each other as any couple ever could be, commitment is not an issue, but to us marriage just does not symbolise that. Why can't people get it? Your views please

At the start of our relationship Dp and I both agreed that marriage seemed pretty irrelevant to us - we both wanted children and were totally committed to each other but didn't see the point of marriage. To us, having children together was the biggest commitment there is. 6 years on and Ds is now 2 and dp walked out 4 months ago....... If having children together wasn't enough for him, a marriage certificate certianly wouldn't have made him stay.

Stitch, I don't need to justify myself to anyone and I don't go on and on about how committed we are, but naturally people ask us about marriage and when we tell them how we feel about it we get blank looks. Just wanted to rant about that really
Totally agree with you about confusing marriage with wedding - they are two separate things in my eyes, but unfortunately not everyone sees it like that. Whether you like it or not the two are linked, and while I don't fancy the big do, I would marry DP tomorrow if it was just a case of signing a contract. It wouldn't be anything to do with a public declaration of love for us (we already know we love each other). Just don't think we could get away with nipping down the registry office without telling anyone..

I have been with DP for 17 yrs and have never bothered to get married. About 2 years ago DP's brother was seriously ill in hospital and his partner of about 3 years (with 2 kids) had no say when they wanted to operate in an attempt to save his life.

It was left to his elderly parents to give consent. There was a moment hesitiation by the parents and I will never forget the look on his partners face. They consented to the operation but it was too late. We came under a bit of pressure after this to get married and still haven't got round to it. DP's brother died without a will so you can imagine the mess that is still going on.

Not trying to be gloomy but you shold think about the whole next of kin thing.

stitch no-one here is trying to justify themselves... least of all to you!

tatties was just asking why it is that people who aren't married have to put up with people asking why they aren't!

is it the same people who ask you why aren't you married that would be upset if you had a small wedding?

sounds like you feel they aren't supporting you enough?

Tatties' experience isn't the same as mine, at all. When I mentioned to someone recently that my 30 yo ds1 is married she nearly fell off her perch in astonishment and asked me why he was married and not cohabiting! It's odd to me that people get so exercised about other people's living arrangements when it doesn't affect them in any way.

Btw, it's my 33rd wedding anniversary today. My mum said she's give us 6mths - we're only still together to annoy her!

I know about the next-of-kin situation, which is why sometimes I think we are silly for not getting married - don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. But marriage has a whole lot of connotations which I don't buy into. Getting married just doesn't sit well with some of my principles. I am not going on about the benefits of cohabitation against marriage, and I am sorry if this conversation has been had, but I haven't had it here yet and if anyone is bored with it they don't have to join in

Tatties,be happy,dont give a monkies about other peoples views on marriage,i am co-habiting and have a 5yr old and 1yr old and am a Roman Catholic!!! so I have had so much outside pressure BUT i am not getting married!

I like marriage even without religion, because to get up there in front of all those people, to tell them all that you love that person and are forsaking all others for them, I just think that is one of the most romantic things you can do. Men seem to have a problem with this, and I don't blame them, you need guts of steel to make such a public announcement, but that just shows you how much they love you doesn't it? If a man (or woman for that matter) is prepared to go through all of that just for you, well then I'd be more than happy!

Perhaps we should swap MILs? Mine bashed on my door on the eve of my wedding to suggest cohabiting was much better , and Mum wasn't gonna come in case the dog got scared all alone (she did though, mutt went to kennels).

We have been co-habiting for about 8 years now (3 of those included co-habiting with the ILs-to-be).

DP asked me to marry him about 8 years ago and i said yes but for many financial reasons we just never have. We wanted a house of our own (needed a HUGE deposit to be able to be close to our family in london). Then i wanted to have children. It was always financial that we didnt. (Although both parents assumed we were against marriage or didnt believe in it - not true. Also because we are not religious - we arent but thats not relevant to us).

We have now, after having 2 children, decided to get married next year. THe main impetus (sp?) for this is based on legalities. The main one being that DP has no parental rights over our children as we arent married even though he is on the certificate etc (not that my parents would ever take them away from him in the event of my departing this world).

People call me Mrs (DPs name) all the time anyway, and we fancy a bit of a party

lived with dh for 5 years then we got married.

for me being married feels better. not sure how to explain it but it certainly feels different.

P.S. Starlover

I don't understand why, if marriage is so unimportant and meaningless to some people, they don't do it anyway (ie just a quickie reg office signing) just for the legal/next of kin convenience etc.

Cause they're hey, soooo rebellious!

No, it's cos we'd probably upset a lot of people if we didn't invite them

We managed with the 2 witnesses and 3 hangers-on (who really just wanted to go to the pub afterwards). Took less than 10 minutes (one of the witnesses was on her lunchbreak and we wanted to fit in a drink as well).

We did later have a do for everyone else (which I assume everyone else would have assumed was our wedding, unless they noticed that we didn't sign a register), but we got married on the same day that we bought a house together.

Tatties, I guess that I may be one of the people who doesn't understand why you feel that marriage doesn't symbolise a commitment. I can see that people can be committed outside of marriage, but your opening post indicates that you probably have a different view of marriage to those who are in that institution. So it doesn't surprise me that people don't get it - they may just feel that you implying that their own marriage doesn't constitute a commitment.

We got pissed once at a VERY posh wedding, the groom remarked that we appeared very sober at the ceremony, and then just moments later seemed out of our heads at the meal! That's cause we left the Church early (2 fucking hours, can you blame us?) and headed for the pub, much to the disgust of the guests who headed out the Church after the service and could clearly see us in the window of the pub taking the piss out of them all!

During the same wedding we stuck the flowers from the vases on each table, into the back lapel of our mate's trousers until he had a little florist shop going on there! Then he got up to go to the toilet and walked straight in front of the happy couple's table with these flowers sticking out of his arse!

Another time I saw these bored looking kids at another friend's wedding so I pinched some of the helium balloons and taught them how to inhale!

I personally don't give a flying flipping monkey whether you are married, cohabitating, swinging, sharing, sleeping-over or living apart if you truly are happy.

I would however urge anybody who isn't married but has children or any desire to remain together forever to consider whether or not they are aware of and willing to accept the consequences of not marrying. Knowing somebody who was in a long term committed relationship for 40yrs with 2 children who lost her dp and then lost everything else because they never got married sways my view. Just the same as knowing that when my brother's dp died my brother lost custody of the boy he raised as a son because he never adopted him causes me considerable distress.

PS I've changed my mind, if you swing I do judge you. Judge Judge Judge.

I like swings! What's wrong with swings?

Cliff, if you're on your swing on your own then jolly ho, all power to you. BUT if you and the buxom wench with cornbeef legs from up the road who's married to the bloke you play golf with has snatched your keys out of a bowl and is joining you on said swing I'm right here judging you!

Don't think my swing will take the weight of the bloke who plays golf.........

See, you thought I was a geezer didn't you? This is my festive name!

I thought you were the real Cliff Richard, you mean you're not?!?!?!

Was waiting for you to lead us in a rousing chorus of that God Awful Crap Song you got to No1 with a few years ago.

PMSL at cornbeef legs!

The legal implications of not getting married (and it can be the kind of ceremony you want , doesn't have to be the meringue church £££££££ thing) are not worth risking IMO particularly when you have children.

Why are gay couples fighting so hard to be recognised legally if its not a better deal eg. if you're not married, you have to pay inheritance tax if one of you dies and the other inherits anything, whereas inheritance is automatic if you've got the bit of paper.

Seems like a win-win situation to me if you're committed anyway, what's not to like?