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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH not interested in sex, touching, anything!

51 replies

HotIron · 15/06/2011 23:03

Not sure where to start on this one, DH & I married 10 yrs but sex life practically non existent. DH has zero interest but isn't and has never been very touchy feely, never hugs, kisses etc. When we got together first it was great but has gone progressively downhill since having kids. I'm at my wits end, I feel totally undesirable. Any suggestions? I don't think he's having an affair I think he genuinely never thinks about it. I have tried to initiate it and have been rebuffed. Help!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 16/06/2011 00:20

Happened to me. Sex very infrequent after a short while married, and he never once even so much as put his arms around me while I was pregnant. Turned out exH liked looking at gay porn and other porn too. But I strongly suspect he was gay or at least bisexual. He had a lot of psychosexual problems no matter what, many hangups, issues about peeing if he thought anyone else was looking (never used a urinal he said, always went into a stall, and freaked out if there was any sort of portrait on a bathroom wall) and massive issues with his domineering mother.

Get your home computer checked out if he uses it. .

Please don't let the grass grow under your feet here. Being rebuffed like this can do a number on your self esteem as a woman. Feeling totally undesirable is a horrible way to live your life.

Renaissance227 · 16/06/2011 15:59

Have you confronted him about this?

Original poster

HotIron · 16/06/2011 17:27

Thanks for replies, yes have asked him about it and he says everything's fine just usually there is always an excuse as to why he's not up for anything, tired cycling, feels ill etc etc I've kind of given up asking to be honest. He's very good at hiding his emotions and true feelings, his mum said he was always like this as a child. He's quite insecure too as recently we had a blow up over this and I told him I don't feel loved at all, he got upset and said that I don't reciprocate which is untrue, I try as much as I can to be loving towards him in terms of hugs etc, he would never initiate one. Also he would rarely celebrate occasions ie he still hasn't got me a 40th birthday pressie or an anniversary pressie (10 yr anniversary) from last Feb. He did get me flowers but only cos it's the 'done' thing and he prob had an email reminder from the florist! He would also never praise anything I've done eg I finished a degree course while kids were small, he didn't think to get a card or anything to say well done. His family are similar in that none of them really celebrate anything, I don't get cards or presents from them either. The material stuff doesn't really bother me but I would love a card with some nice words in it. Do I just accept that perhaps he has grown out of love with me, if he was ever in it in the first place?!

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 16/06/2011 17:31

Could you accept that?

I think you need to think about what you can live with and what you can't and then tell your husband and give him the chance to change.

Original poster

HotIron · 16/06/2011 18:06

The thing is though I HAVE said before that the lack of cards etc bothers me and he might change maybe for a short while and then back to square one. Is it just he doesnt think?? Or doesnt care?? I dont know which!!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 16/06/2011 19:08

Unless he is asexual, he is getting his jollies somewhere.

Your marriage sounds horrible. You seem to be feeling completely invisible and completely unappreciated, never mind unattractive. This will end up destroying you.

If he cared about you and he knew what this was doing to you, do you think he would be willing to change? Mind you there's no satisfaction in having a partner who is doing things for you because he has been prompted. There comes a point where he needs to 'get it' and do it spontaneously.

I would be inclined to give an ultimatum about going to see a sex therapist together. He will probably baulk, then you say 'ok counselling then, and only the best will do' (after a bit of a fight where you insist on sex therapy).

TheOriginalFAB · 16/06/2011 19:08

One way of looking at it is are you prepared to walk out of your marriage because your husband doesn't buy you cards?

mathanxiety · 16/06/2011 19:10

I think the cards are just the small potatoes here. Part of an overall picture where HotIron is the wallpaper of her H's life, nothing more.

TheOriginalFAB · 16/06/2011 19:13

Oh I know that. I just wanted to make her think.

scrivette · 16/06/2011 19:17

My husband is a bit like that with regard to the sex and cuddles, he just isn't very interested and has an extremely low sex drive. He has always been like it. It doesn't mean that he is having an affair though, some men, like some women, just arent bothered about having very much sex! I must admit that it is the holding hands and cuddles that I miss the most.

Curiousmama · 16/06/2011 19:32

My marriage was like this but exdhl was never bothered to begin with. He isn't gay just asexual. I know how you feel it's soul destroying. I ended up depressed before I left, thought it must be me? Did I smell funny? Was it my personality? Not being big headed but I am attractive some say stunning (or was when younger) Because ex is very intelligent albeit lacking in common sense, I thought it must be me. Totally stupid I know but you begin to doubt yourself don't you?

Anyway I left, wasn't easy as we'd gone through terrible stress (caused by his mistakes with money, long story) I won't lie I did think I was going bonkers at one point but have come out of it just normally bonkers The real me has come back And I have a fantastic dp who is wonderful with dss.

I do hope your dh really hears you but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Curiousmama · 16/06/2011 19:33

Oh and exdh and I are good friends.

Original poster

HotIron · 16/06/2011 23:24

Thanks some great food for thought there! I really really think it's the low sex drive thing and it's good to know I'm not alone! It IS very soul destroying I think the sex counselling option sounds good. Dh is great in other ways but this is the one big thing thats upsetting me. The cards thing is just an example of his overall personality, I don't think I'm ready to leave just yet, not without a fight anyway! Is there anyway of instiling a sex drive into those with a low sex drive?? Dietary or anything??

OP posts:

fizzfiend · 16/06/2011 23:44

you're bringing back lots of memories for me. Same for me: kids, end of sex life practically. Worst rebuff was trying to go down on him one sunday morning and having my head pushed away. OMG! He didn't even have to do anything...he must have found me so repulsive (and I'm not!) not even sure what I did...think he's asexual though or closet (never to come out) gay.

I hated it - I saw it as a lack of concern for my feelings. Who gave a damn what I felt...he couldn't even drop his pants once a month to make me happy. Sorry to be crude but I am still angry with him. Wouldn't talk about it the first time or the 20th time, I had affair, now divorced.

Thing is he is being cruel to you.. I mean how tough is it to make love to your wife once in a blue moon for god sake the selfish git!

mathanxiety · 16/06/2011 23:53

Fizzfiend, AMEN. It is extremely cruel. "I mean how tough is it to make love to your wife once in a blue moon for god sake the selfish git!"

I remember once saying to exH 'What the F!!! do you want me for anyway?' I felt useless and completely rejected. And when I found the gay porn, I felt used and utterly stupid. My married life (half of my existence on this earth at that point) had been a lie. His lie. I am also still angry.

Curiousmama · 17/06/2011 00:10

HotIron I tried everything. Has he visited the GP as it can be low testosterone? But why that would stop cuddles I don't know? Unless they think if they show any affection then it has to ultimately lead to intercourse?

mathanxiety · 17/06/2011 00:21

No matter what, this man owes his wife an explanation. Low testosterone doesn't mean you can't empathise with someone else, or tell them what's going on for so many years, or at least reassure her it isn't her. And if he wanted his wife to be happy, he would know she would like a cuddle at least, and sex every now and then, wouldn't he? What has testosterone to do with that? There is a profound selfishness here, an inability to count beyond one.

Curiousmama · 17/06/2011 00:26

mathanxiety I've lived it I know. Was just a thought but yes he isn't thinking of her. I went through everything with exdh it's soul destroying. I'm out the other side now though thank God.

fizzfiend · 17/06/2011 00:41

I know this is not a good thing to admit to on MN but I ended up having an affair. Supressing my sexuality for over a decade meant that when a man gave me that look, I pretty much self-combusted. And I have not a SCINTILLA of guilt. DH rejected me, refused to even try to placate me (I wasn't asking for 4 times a night FGS) and refused to talk about it or get help. So sod you fizz...that was the jist of it.

We're reasonable people, not sex addicts. We need love and affection once in a while. Selfish gits deserve all they get in my eyes. And I'm still angry because I never ever wanted this to happen...I used to tell him that I still fancied him so why, why why! UGH!

fizzfiend · 17/06/2011 00:43

Hotiron..get some Viagra off the internet and crush into food...no I didn't mean it as that is probably illegal ;-) would be amusing to see him running around with a hard on for 8 hours though lol!

mathanxiety · 17/06/2011 00:46

Me too, but I still think with anger of the years that were essentially stolen from me and the decisions I would have made differently had I known wtf was going on.

HotIron, you deserve answers from this man, not pathetic attempts to accuse you of what he himself is doing. A man cannot hide behind his alleged reserved nature ad infinitum if it hurts his wife and has her thinking she is deficient in some way, not enough for him, not attractive.

I know you maybe feel there is something to be salvaged, and maybe something valuable to be lost, but are you willing to pay the price he is asking for not rocking the boat?

fizzfiend · 17/06/2011 01:01

oh and just one more thing...don't let him start on about you being "sex mad" or "all you care about is sex", etc. It goes so much deeper than that...do not feel that this is a superficial issue.

Original poster

HotIron · 17/06/2011 14:14

Again thanks for all the replies! It IS cruel I agree, it's the not knowing why that gets me. I will tackle him over the weekend on this, I need answers!

OP posts:

Renaissance227 · 17/06/2011 14:27

I think he needs to see a GP about all of this, both his low libido and his lack of affection. Maybe he doesn't want anymore children and it is some kind of way of pushing you away OR maybe there is something even deeper he does not want to explain to you. Either way he needs a GP and a counsellor AFTER you have spoken about it properly together.
Have you checked the history on your computer?!
Either way... Good luck! x

Toadinthehole · 18/06/2011 11:18

A quick comment. Believe it or not, there are some men who are only up for sexual intimacy when a) they're not tired and b) there are no unresolved issues between them and their spouses.

It is assumed too often that such men must be getting their jollies elsewhere or are secretly using porn. This is not the case.

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