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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH not interested in sex, touching, anything!

51 replies

HotIron · 15/06/2011 23:03

Not sure where to start on this one, DH & I married 10 yrs but sex life practically non existent. DH has zero interest but isn't and has never been very touchy feely, never hugs, kisses etc. When we got together first it was great but has gone progressively downhill since having kids. I'm at my wits end, I feel totally undesirable. Any suggestions? I don't think he's having an affair I think he genuinely never thinks about it. I have tried to initiate it and have been rebuffed. Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
HotIron · 18/06/2011 12:02

Thanks toad, I had wondered about this as the myth is that men think about sex every 4 minutes or something! Definitely not the case with dh, he seems to be on the 'every 4 months' spectrum if even that! In terms of gay/bisexual I don't think this is the case, no Internet history on it. Have had people over this weekend so haven't had a chance to talk as yet but will post update as soon as I do.

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 18/06/2011 12:06

Hope it goes well for you?

mathanxiety · 18/06/2011 18:06

Toad, life is not perfect. A man or woman who is only going to have sex under perfect conditions and had any thought to their partner's happiness would surely work to make sure they were not overtired or that there were issues left unresolved. They would not get defensive about it either. A man who doesn't want more children should talk about this with his wife too, and get the snip if they both think that's ok.

The issues here are the absence of sex and the absence of an inkling that the OP deserves some sort of explanation or discussion of the matter, leaving her wondering if she is the problem. This is not a nice thing to do to someone you claim to love.

FannyAdamsToo · 18/06/2011 18:15

.

maleview70 · 18/06/2011 21:31

counselling/visits to the GP will only be useful if HE wants to do something about this. If he doesnt then it wont make a jot of difference and this will make it worse for you.

mathanxiety · 19/06/2011 05:14

The bottom line is as Maleview says. He is completely in control here and either he cares about your happiness and your experience of this marriage or he does not.

It can be very hard to wrap your head around the idea that your H does not actually care about you as a woman, about your happiness or fulfillment. But if a H won't seek help when told about the depth of the unhappiness he is causing, then that is the inescapable conclusion to be drawn. I would say this to a woman who was withholding sex too.

midwife99 · 19/06/2011 07:37

Same boat here although I do get the odd hug & peck on the lips. My DH says all I want in a "fucking machine" & I'm a sexual bully for wanting to have a normal sex life. Like many others have said - we want the package not just a "fuck" - romance, passion, mutual desire & affection. We want to feel pretty! My DH has finally agreed to go to the GP but only to say he doesn't feel lustful in the evenings & we don't have time to have sex in the mornings (still no sign of desire then either as far as I can tell!) so can he have some Viagra. I'm really hoping the GP is a bit switched on & delves deeper into WHY he has become this way & refers him to counselling to sort out his feelings. A pill isn't the simple answer.

Curiousmama · 19/06/2011 15:48

midwife99 would you be able to go to the GP appointment with him?

midwife99 · 19/06/2011 22:57

I have offered but that would be too "controlling" apparently!

mathanxiety · 19/06/2011 23:00

He needs a reality check. Keep on challenging him and insisting, or your very your existence will become quite a challenge for him to deal with. Keep on reminding him you are there, alive, and interested. Rock the boat and make demands.

You only go around once in this life. It is not a dress rehearsal.

mathanxiety · 19/06/2011 23:03

Pour scorn on unreasonable responses to your claims for a normal sex life, for honest communication from him and for involvement in his life. That is what marriage is and it is your absolute right to have those elements in yours.

midwife99 · 19/06/2011 23:56

He proudly told me that he masturbated last weekend alone during a lie in & apparently that was proof that he is not impotent. So tonight after yet another week of no sex I asked "Have you had another wank this weekend and are therefore sorted for another fortnight?" He said that it wad a horrible thing to say & saying nasty things will only make things worse. I replied that him preferring to wank than make love with me is more horrible. I have now really pissed him off & so we're back to square one & the occasional chaste peck with now also be withdrawn for a few days! I feel so bloody unattractive. I don't want to hijack your thread though OP. Any change with you?

mathanxiety · 20/06/2011 00:19

Oh now he is being precious.

Keep on 'pissing him off'. You have nothing to lose. What sort of a man tells his wife he has been masturbating in preference to having sex, and refusing to let her in on whatever problem he thinks he is having?

He is punishing you by withdrawing his already severely rationed affection? I would be seriously tempted to see a solicitor, and give him an ultimatum. He is loving every minute of the control he thinks he has over you, with his game playing.

Midwife, can you go to a counsellor and talk about yourself and your situation? After so much of this coldness and cruelty, you probably have no idea how low you feel, how far your self esteem has sunk. Please find someone sympathetic to counsel you through this.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/06/2011 00:44

There is nothing at all wrong with having an affair when you are living with someone who is not only refusing to have sex with you but refusing to accept that this is a problem and that you are unhappy. It would be 'better' to leave, perhaps, but it's usually only having an affair that will help you make the break ie getting proof in the form of another person lusting after you that you actually are a desirable person.

Curiousmama · 20/06/2011 06:36

SGB that's what I ended up doing although had already made moves to leave. I did stay with the guy for over a year. Ex and I were already sleeping separately.

PigletJohn · 20/06/2011 13:17

Toadinthehole, you were very wrong to say that men demand perfection. Looking at your post where you say...

oops, sorry, you didn't

rhondagraymond · 06/11/2012 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Orchidlady · 06/11/2012 16:20

HotIron really feel for you, I know how it feels when your man does not want/can not have sex with you, eventually erodes your self esteem.
Midwife Are you sure we are not we with the same bloke.LOL Sound like totally emotionally retarded thing my DP would say. Has been pretty much impotent since 2009 but apparently it is my fault for being nasty to him, having a tummy tuck wtf! earning more money, etc etc. Nothing to do with him!

itsallaboutiandme · 06/11/2012 16:44

HotIron I can so relate to you. My DH has not been interested in me from when we were married. He would continuously rebuff my advances and I lived in a constant fog as to why. He would tell me it was because I was 'aggressive' and hence a turn off. Funny how that didn't put him off asking for anything else. Anyway seven years in, I discovered that he had been seeing escorts. I cannot even now (5 years later) tell you how it ripped my world apart. However I continued believing that he was seeing these women because there was something wrong with me. It's only earlier this year I discovered that it all had nothing to do with me. Sadly I contemplate affairs all the time but then can't stomach seeing anything like that through. But it is truly soul destroying as my self esteem and self confidence are zero and I feel constantly angry at the level of deceit and can't understand how one human can do this to another. I conclude he has serious issues. And I feel I can't leave him (yet) because our dcs are too young and I have no family support. My advice to anyone who has no children and is facing this is to get out as fast as they can. I feel I have missed out and constantly crave intimacy. I will never know whether he has/ hasn't stopped seeing anyone outside the marriage. Just on a last note, he was using a sophisticated method to look at these websites on the PC and had I not installed a key logger I still would not know.

Orchidlady · 06/11/2012 17:38

itsall just noticed this was a very old thread seemed like it was bumped but did not want your message to go without comment. Just wanted to say what a horrible situation you are in, I know exactly what you mean about going off an having an affair just knowing that you are desired.

DiamondDoris · 06/11/2012 21:10

Haven't read all the posts yet. I feel so sorry for you OP and the other posters. I left my ex-h for this (and other reasons). The last 4 years of our "marriage" we weren't intimate (no sex). And years before that we only had sex a couple of times in order to conceive. He would look at porn first and do it to me from behind. And, like other posters, am attractive. He never touched me or put his arms round me. He never paid me compliments or bought me flowers after the births of our DC in hospital. He worshipped his parents but felt he couldn't give a flying for me. I asked him why he wanted to be in a relationship with me and he would say we were good friends. I didn't want just a friend. I didn't realise there were so many men out there who have low libidos. With my ex, I think it was more that he was interested in porn/masturbation and also I think aspergers/his upbringing played a part - brought up in a mainly male household, no displays of physical affection at all. I am now happily in a relationship (3 years and going strong), sex life amazing and DP never fails to say he loves me, pays me compliments and cuddles and holds me all the time. There is light at the end of the tunnel - but usually with someone else who is as passionate as you (general "you") are. I found true love at the age of 43 so it's never too late.

Darkesteyes · 06/11/2012 22:30

This is another thread i posted that link on. But the way i got moralised and judged made me wish that i hadnt.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1604382-Sexless-relationships

borisjohnsonshair · 06/11/2012 22:34

Just like to that the no-sex thing and the no-card thing are not necessarily connected. My DH is rubbish at cards/occasions/flowers and always has been; his family don't do any of that so I suppose he thinks it's unimportant. But we have a great relationship other than that; just thought it might be helpful to separate the two issues OP?

WineGoggles · 07/11/2012 10:27

Personally I wouldn't want to have sex, let alone be with someone, who couldn't be bothered to get me a friggin birthday pressie! Selfish bastard! Angry And having a low sex drive does not mean he can't be affectionate or buy you a present hotIron. Did you get angry with him?