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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how do i DO detachment with dh and his drinking?

96 replies

highwaster · 14/06/2011 18:53

been on the binge for 11 days now.
anyone any advice about doing detachment.
have looked quite a bit up on websites.

am trying not to be an enabler

am not giving him money, am not letting him have my bus pass, etc.,

am not throwing away or lookign for drink

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/06/2011 18:55

leave ?

make him leave ?

I cannot recommend anything else, tbh

I don't expect that is that you want to hear though Sad

Original poster
highwaster · 14/06/2011 18:56

i can't make him leave. i have no idea how to make him leave.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 14/06/2011 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

livinginazoo · 14/06/2011 19:00

Al anon - support group for families of problem drinkers. If you look at their website you will find a group near you. If you can't make him leave, can you go?

Original poster
highwaster · 14/06/2011 19:00

he doesnt want to listen to his family - he just said so - he doesnt want a lecture.

i have spoke to al anon but it is difficult as i always seem to ahve dcs around when i want to speak to them.
on the internet it talked abo ut detachment. Hmm

OP posts:
moondog · 14/06/2011 19:01

He has been on the piss for eleven days??
Does he have a job|?

Original poster
highwaster · 14/06/2011 19:07

no, he was unfrotuantely made redundant and got a job but it was temporary.
he still needs to sign on but is not facing up to this

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/06/2011 19:08

You need practical advice, not clutching at straws from random internet sites

Detachment is only part of it

yes, you have to deteach, but that does not mean just passively standing by and watching while he brings all of you down

if he won't leave, you may have to

sometimes, the reaching the bottom of the barrel and losing your family can make a drinker re-assess their priorities

sometimes even then, the priorities may still be selfish ones ie. continue to drink

while you stay as a passive bystander, you will never know

I would never let a man, drinker or nondrinker, destroy me

let him make his choices, it is actually out of your hands

AnyFucker · 14/06/2011 19:10

won't face up to signing on ?

would prefer to drink than find a way, any way, to support his family

love, he is a lost cause at the moment

you must protect your family, and standing by while he destroys it is not the way

go to your family

he may drink himself to oblivion...his choice

bejeezus · 14/06/2011 19:11

Al-Anon meetings would be really good for getting support to detach.

i detached from stbxh--not sure i can explain how..or if i even know...if you have any specific questions, i may be\able to answer....i do remember wondering myself how detachment was possible, but at that point i thought I wanted to detach but stay together Confused, whereas for me the result of detaching was thta i wanted to seperate. But i know some people are able to detach and stay together.

ok...so what did i do; i stopped trying to involve him in anything, so I would make plans with kids and he could come or not come along...but made sure that in no way would his absence or presence make any difference to arrangements/ logistics etc. i made sure that my life could function without his inputso he wasnt responsible for any child care/ pick ups or drop offs, that way his unreliability couldnt impact on my work or the kids. I also seperated finances and made it so that I could cover the bills without himso when he drank his wages over the weekend I wasnt left with returned unpaid direct debits etc.

will post more, if it comes to me

AnyFucker · 14/06/2011 19:14

I cannot agree

absolving him of his responsibilies, just enables the binge-escaping

no, I could not do that

I would force the issue

he gets help, or he loses his family permanently

I believe, IMO, it is the only way

where, oh where is MIFLAW when you need him ?

TheSkiingGardener · 14/06/2011 19:23

I work for an alcohol counselling charity. Part of the contract we have is to provide support to alcohol relatives, people in exactly your situation. if you find who provides alcohol support in your area, your doctors surgery should know and they should be able to point you towards help available where you are. I am in Southampton so if you are here PM me.

bejeezus · 14/06/2011 19:25

cannot agree with what i said\AF?

its not about absolving him of his responsibilities--he isnt taking care of them and OP cant force him. neither can she force him to get help.

Its about self preservation.

it may take time for OP to decide to split [or she may not] and she needs to make sure her and kids an function and afford to eat in mean time

if his behaviour causes any danger [eg leaves house unsecure/ leaving oven on etc] can apply for occupation order to have him removed -he does not need to be violent to get this

nomedoit · 14/06/2011 19:28

I agree with getting a court order to get him out. If he is blind drunk around your children for eleven days then he is a danger by definition.

I think you have detached actually. You seem to know and accept that he is in his own world, oblivious of his responsibilities.

bejeezus · 14/06/2011 19:35

yes- dont look for hidden drink/ dont through it away, dont phone him whilst he is out asking where he is/ when hes coming home. Dont ask for or expect explanations/ apologies for his behaviour and dont challenge him over it.

I think it is a very hard thing to do...but you can do it.

bejeezus · 14/06/2011 19:35

?through---throw

AnyFucker · 14/06/2011 19:45

bejeezus, with respect, why do it ?

why stick around to watch him self-destruct and let your kids witness it too ?

why ?

for what purpose...will he get an epiphany when he is effectively treated like a child again, and not made to face up to his responsibilies as a husband and a father ?

I can't see it

Serious question, am not looking for a row

AnyFucker · 14/06/2011 19:46

so when you don't challenge him and he drinks himself dry again, what then ?

just wait until the next time ?

not for me

bejeezus · 14/06/2011 20:07

i agree wih what you are saying AF- 'WHY?'--there is no good reason why anyone would want a relationship like this. But its the same as trying to leave an abusive relationship-it is very confusing and its not always as easy as it would seem looking in from the outside...

its not about trying to get him to have an epiphany..detachment is not about the alcoholic at all...it has usually been ALL about the alcoholic for too long. It is about the OP protecting herself, emotionally and practically from the effects of his alcoholism. Yes, the best way to do this is to leave him. And leaving is what the majority of wives/ husbands of alcoholics do after they have detached IME (but not all)

AnyFucker · 14/06/2011 20:10

ok, love, I get you x

practicalities in the meantime, I could work with that

it's not about me though, so I wish Op all the best and would urge her to seek practical, RL help and advice ASAP x

bejeezus · 14/06/2011 20:11

unfortunately i dont think being a drunk, is grounds enough for getting a court order. Especially as he is unemployed. The courts look to minimise damage. If he is unemployed then he would be made homeless if made to leave the home---so he needs to be posing some kind of threat....

as I understand it ---i hae limited experience (and only personal-not professional)

mrsbiscuits · 14/06/2011 20:13

Leave...that's what my first husband did and 16 years later I am still sober. It was harsh cruel and devestating at the time and I hated him for years after but it saved my life and his sanity. I have known many Alanon members who have been strong enough to stay in this kind of relationship for years and "detach." Invariably though this has meant them pretty much living seperate lives to their drinking partners even if they remained under the same roof. Ultimately I am not sure whether or not any relationship can survive long term unless the drinker gets help and in my case in took my first husband leaving ( amongst other things) to push me to doing just that......I wish you well x

Original poster
highwaster · 14/06/2011 20:22

thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
highwaster · 14/06/2011 20:23

difficult to know what to say but i am reading this and digesting.

OP posts:
Original poster
highwaster · 14/06/2011 20:28

he went through a stage imo of drinkign too much, always having a beer and i hated it, hated that he went out to the pub saturday/sunday evenign and i told him how much i hated it. and he slept sundays, it was awful, and i had a life with the dc, without him, despite my nagging him to join us. i was always the driver. i spose he must have had moments of niceness.
but now, he just binges, secret drinking in the bedroom. no beer, just bottles of vodka. unbelievable. and then he turns the corner, somehow, and is sober, i dont know how long for, months, weeks.

i have put our overdraft into a 5 year pay off a couple of years ago saying after 5 years we can split up. that was why i did it.
so financially we are joined. and this last year he has been pretty good and sober until the binges.
he doesnt understand that he can't drink. he can't, sadly, just have a lads night out, because it leads to a binge.

OP posts: