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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

money money money

98 replies

jen333 · 13/06/2011 11:15

AIBU in feeling resentful about being given pocket money (£50 per week), and my personal current account kept to the overdrawn limit? I am a stay at home mum with no income of my own.

OP posts:
sugartongue · 13/06/2011 11:17

Anything but unreasonable! Child benefit should be paid into your account at least and any tax credits the family receives. Most decent men have a joint account with their partners particularly if you don't work and yet have to run the home - you have to have money to do that. I mean you're not a child!! It actually sounds like financial abuse frankly

swanker · 13/06/2011 11:19

DO you have any savings as a family? You shouldn't have an overdraft as a normal thing surely?

swanker · 13/06/2011 11:21

How do you pay for groceries, bills etc? Is there a joint account?

tribpot · 13/06/2011 11:24

I assume what you mean is that your account is permanently at its overdraft limit because you have no way of paying it off yourself? If you did, say, put 20 quid in, would your DH / DP spend that 20 quid? (If so, how).

Original poster
jen333 · 13/06/2011 11:25

Stinks doesn't it! Obviously a control thing ... he's gone through a bad divorce and was taken to the cleaners. Has his own business and could afford to keep my account in credit but chooses not to. Think he's fearful I might go mad in Harvey Nichols:)

OP posts:
cat64 · 13/06/2011 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Trills · 13/06/2011 11:27

The only fair way to do it:

All money coming in goes into joint account, out of which come all household and child-related expenses.

The remainder is divided equally between you and goes into your own personal separate accounts to do exactly as you like with.

barbiegrows · 13/06/2011 11:30

Children get pocket money, adults work out a budget and share a joint account for bills, with tax credits, child benefit going to the main carer.

I suggest you contact the benefit office and have the benefit and tax credits put into a separate account in your name. Tell him that that's what you've done. If you get any flack from him, come and joint our 'support for those experiencing emotional abuse' thread. x

Original poster
jen333 · 13/06/2011 11:31

Pay for groceries by cc (his) and there is a joint account but am only allowed to use it for cheques for school things. It's just the control thing - and yes, I do feel like a child.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 13/06/2011 11:31

We have the same system as cat64. All our bills etc are covered by the joint account and we both have "pocket money" which we spend as we like. IF this is the system you have, I think this seems reasonable.

Were you meaning that you think your "joint" money should be used to clear your overdraft? If you've run up the overdraft paying essential bills I agree that it should. If you've spent it on your handbag habit and DH is giving you £50 a week (which is quite a bit really if this is just for yourself) to pay it off, this also seems reasonable.

Trills · 13/06/2011 11:32

How much does he have to spend on himself? If he also has just £50 for non-essentials then that's fair. If he has more than whatever is available for "spending money" should be split equally between you.

Original poster
jen333 · 13/06/2011 11:41

No handbag habit - overdraft reached years ago during house move. No idea how much DH is spending on himself but he has considerable savings. I agree that £50 is OK for spending money during the week - especially during term time. I just don't like the way it is and have said so on many occasion. He did agree to the joint account recently but I cannot use it in the usual way (only cheques for school).

OP posts:
Original poster
jen333 · 13/06/2011 11:45

Would be a good idea to sit down and talk - but DH doesn't do that and I just get resentful over time. Am particularly cross today as he became very cross when I told him I had written out a cheque for school stuff that I hadn't warned him about previously. Overall things aren't too bad but I do hate feeling like a child - especially as I am older than him:) Need to sort this one out. Thanks everyone for your comments.

OP posts:
swanker · 13/06/2011 11:52

How old/ how many are your children? How long have you lived like this?

What happens with your child benefit- it is usually paid to the mother?

Original poster
jen333 · 13/06/2011 12:17

Have two grown up sons - previous relationship - both in well paid professions now and not living at home. Our daughter is six. I have been living like this since giving up work a month or two before my daughter was born. I get child benefit which is paid directly into my own current account, but there are a number of long term direct debits (mainly insurance) which keep it maxed out. I guess that once I go back to work things will seem fairer.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 13/06/2011 12:19

Ah, I'm with you. I'm thinking the issues is not the amount of money so much but that you have no control or say over the majority of your family finances. I know some people are ok with one partner doing with, but sounsd like you are not (I wouldn't be either tbh).

I'm not sure what your solution is other than to sit down together and discuss - and if he won't do that ... One thing DH and I do is to mutually agree all purchases over a certain amount, but other than that we trust each other to use the joint account sensibly (so a cheque for school stuff he would not really care about knowing about as it would be "accepted" that it was reasonable). I guess it is the lack of trust from your DH (that you effectively have to get him to agree every purchase however reasonable) that is the main problem. Does he realise how this makes you feel?

tribpot · 13/06/2011 16:50

So move the insurances that come out of your sole account to the joint account, surely? How would he stop you doing that? If the money he give you is for discretionary spending it's not meant to cover essentials, that's what the joint account is for.

When you go back to work, will you be earning somewhere in the region of your H? And will any childcare costs be coming out of the joint account? If not, then it will still be unfair and will still need addressing. His version of having been 'taken to the cleaners' in his divorce might actually equate to a reasonable settlement for the primary carer of his other children (assuming there are other children). It may not do, of course, but his mistrust of you is disproportionate, unfair and unreasonable based on what you've said here.

pink4ever · 13/06/2011 18:46

£50Shock I amEnvy. I get £10(which I have to ask for). I get the cb payed into my account and dont get tax credits. Dh earns a good wage but is terrible with money so is always overdrawn. He also thinks that his money is "his" and that as I am sahm am not entitled to anything. Have tried to talk to him about this but never changes(9 years now).

Asinine · 13/06/2011 18:58

It's not the amount, but the principle which is wrong. If you are married you share your 'worldly goods'. He should trust you not to splurge money if you can't afford it. We have no limits on personal spending like that, just an unspoken understanding that we do not waste money as we try to save towards larger goals that will help us both, at the moment a loft conversion.

Original poster
jen333 · 13/06/2011 22:28

Sorry to hear that pink4ever. Its a horrid situation to be in and, as Asinine says, it's not really the money, its the attitude - that DH feels that the sahm/partner cannot be trusted fully with finances and therefore has to be treated like a child. I am not used to being treated like this (although getting more used to it as time goes by). I sold my home (he kept his) to buy our joint home and then had to give up work when I had our child. We are not married so our wordly goods are not equally shared. Been a bit silly I think:(

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 13/06/2011 22:31

Get a job and tell him he can pay childcare, earn your own money so he can fuck the fuck off.

He is treating you like shit and you have allowed it, you even enable it.

He is taking the piss.

Toadinthehole · 14/06/2011 01:09

Jen333,

What do you do when you need new clothes?

Or pay for a doctor's appointment?

Or face an emergency such as an empty petrol tank?

Have you and your husband had a major argument that caused this situation?

Have you got yourself into financial trouble in the past?

What you've described is the sort of situation I thought went out with the 1950s.

PrivateParts · 14/06/2011 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
jen333 · 14/06/2011 07:48

FabbieChic - you're right ... must be an enabler, and yes, this situation is similar to the way my father treated my mother ... and I hated it! Totally demeaning to womankind and I'm ashamed. Going to start to turn things around.
No, no major argument ... and I have never been in financial trouble and am not a big spender. Mostly shop in charity shops these days.
Thanks for the feedback everyone - shall act!

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curlychips · 14/06/2011 15:51

Sounds like he resents you being a SAHM and wants to punish you for it.

Has he said he wants you to go back to work? Did you come to the decision to be a SAHM together?

If you don't mind me asking, if your child is in school, why haven't you got a job instead of living off £50 per week? Maybe he thinks you are ok with this because you haven't done anything to earn money yourself? Sorry if this sounds rude - it's not supposed to.

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