money money money

[jen333]

AIBU in feeling resentful about being given pocket money (£50 per week), and my personal current account kept to the overdrawn limit? I am a stay at home mum with no income of my own.

Lol I was being generous there- my Hoover rarely gets an outing more than once a week!
But seriously, running a home is not a full time job, its what we all do WHILE parenting and working and everything else.
I am currently in the very pleasant position of having two days a week at home child free, as I returned to work 3 days a week after my dcs , and my youngest started in reception this year. I can assure you my days off are not a whirl of housework- I can get anything ncessary done quickly and then have the day to myself. Total luxury! However, I think it would be a tad unfair on my dh to expect to spend the rest of my working life like this, and have renegotiated full time again from late august. As someone said earlier, thats a definite advantage of remaining in work, as it is far easier to negotiate hours up or down once you're working, which is why I would recommend op isn't too picky to begin with. Find yourself a job, prove your worth and then maybe try to negotiate school hours

I say im a sahm but as dh has just pointed out ......as I home ed ds3,am a carer for ds2 who is in school although frequently suffers ill health and needs to stay/come home and the fact I run my fils home and cook and do his laundry too im not exactly a 'true' sahm.

Full-time childcare for infants and toddlers is a full-time job if you chose to make it so but if, like the OP, you have one dependent school-age child then cleaning the house etc. does not take all day unless you have a mansion and no help or you have some kind of OCD.

Working and being a parent can be tough but it's easy to become unemployable or to end up under-employed and underpaid if you don't keep your hand in.

Being a carer is different. When you have school age children, running a home does not need to be a full time job, nowhere near- its really pretty darn easy- and I'm going to make the most of my two weekdays for pootling round the shops etc; its all very pleasant, but not really any more reasonable for me to do it than it would be for dh to expect me to fund it for him!

Some good points Lyne. I totally agree with you:

Jen333, if as a couple you are both happy with the arrangement as it is, then excellent. But I, like Lyne and a couple of others here, suspect the problem is he is not. Indeed, he does sound paranoid about money and he is dealing with the situation the wrong way if he wants change but that should not negate the fact that the situation needs to be discussed. Talk to him, not about the money but about how he feels you not having paid employment.

My concern is what would happen if the relationship between the you and your DH broke down? You must know that you are leaving yourself completely vulnerable.

My husband's wage means I need not ever work again, but I could not do that. As soon as my boys all were at school I started building a career that enables me to work only school hours (in the initial months it was actually voluntary as I wanted to build up my experience and a portfolio of references). I now earn only a fraction of what my husband does but I know that if our marriage did end I could support myself and my three sons - currently all under 8 years old.

I am not criticising your choices but if your husband is not happy with them you must discuss it.

Control unfortunately, we don't have joint accounts but I pay all of the bills and give my wife £600 per month to look after food, house keeping and things, she also has a part time job, maintenance and CB which gives her about £1200 PM.

Obviously circumstances allow this, but if your DH / DP is similar to me in owing his own business, then this should not be a problem.

I do this because it gives her freedom, freedom to be who and what she wants to be. Obviously we have our own issues tho :)

Garr, very observant - it is about control. You give your wife £600, he gives her £50. There is a massive difference and it is about a lot more than money.

ourplanet - her youngest is just 6. She is doing voluntary work and looking for business opportunities and just coming out of the sahm role. Her DH is controlling all the family finances, even the child benefit, by using it to pay for insurance. Her account is always kept at minus zero (on overdraft limit).

lyne I think you've scared OP off with your judgemental attitude toward someone who was looking for help.

I think you should let the op speak for herself barbie -she doesn't need anyone to tell her how she feels.

And your comparison between garr giving his wife £600 per month for food and household things and the op being given £200 per month for personal spending- well, I think you're just confirming the view that this is a perfectly reasonable amount! Take off the food and household stuff these days and you'd be lucky to have £200 left from 600! The op has already explained that her dh foots the food bill.

lol, lyne my wife gets £1200 in total, our food and misc household approx £600 per month. That's £600 PM as disposable income, it depends on how you look at it, I suppose, I am who I am because of my wife. She looks after the kids, house etc... does this count for nothing ?

I think no I believe that relationships are about sharing, if her DH has the ability to provide he has a duty to provide, regardless of a previous situation.

Especially if he has kids with op, if the ability to provide as I do isn't there and the disposable income is shared then that's just as good.

Marriage = sharing ?

In fact, if garr had said , "I pay all the household and food bills and give my wife £200 per month for personal spending " I think you would have thought 'thats great'. Which in fact is what the ops husband is doing!

I agree he should leave the cb alone- we're all agreed on that. But as far as the amount of personal spending money goes, it is entirely comparable with garr's wife. The difference in her case is that she earns on top.

X posts there garr! I agree marriage is about sharing, and I have said about a million times on this thread that I think her dh is going about this the wrong way - probably out of fear at having been screwed over in the pAst.

But some people are latching onto the £200 per month she has for her OWN spending (ie not food or household bills) as if shes being kept on the breadline, which is frankly laughable. If I didn't work, no way could we afford £400 spare so we could each have £200 out of my Dh's income. And likewise if he gave up his job- I wouldn't have a spare £200 each for us.

Yes Lyne, my wife does earn on top, I suppose the question that needs to be asked is if op earned £600 on top would she be able to keep it ?? The only way to know that is if op got a job, I suppose.

I see your point :)

Barbie. I agree the DH is being very controlling but I think she needs to TALK to him. What else is there to do? Force him to hand over more money? Leave him? My suggestion is for them to have a very honest heart to heart with him and find out what he thinks about EVERYTHING, not just the money. His history, as described by the OP, suggests that if she approaches the discussion from the money angle he will be defensive. She should find out if it bothers him how she is working.

Garr, you sound like a lovely man but you are not the OP's husband. It is useful for the OP to see how a decent man treats his wife, but how do you suggest she resolves her issues with HER husband who we have established is controlling and not as nice as you?

Absolutely agree there, that if the op got a job and her dh tried to control that income, it would certainly be abusive. But as it stands, he is keeping her financially, and she has a perfectly reasonable amount of money for her Personal spending- which she could top up if she worked

mmm, not as simple as I first thought.

All I can say is if your in a relationship, control from either party is not good, it causes mistrust, dependency and emotional distress.

If he can provide, and they are willing to share the burden of family life such as op getting a part time job it may help, however this may produce other complications.

My wife found the part time job tremendously helpful, it gave her a distraction to four walls and housework, but other people are different some like it, though I haven't met many that do.

If you haven't met many who do enjoy work, all the more reason to share the burden!
I don't agree with your view btw, I think work can be stimulating and enjoyable, as well as a necessary fact of life, but whichever way you look at it, the bills don't pay themselves, and the op is not in a full time caring role at all

Lyne, I was actually on about the housework not work in general. :)

On I agree, not many people enjoy housework lol but I don't think that's the issue here!

Thank you barbiegrows for your kind comments and advice. I think that the sahm tag is an unfortunate one. A mum yes, but never stay at home and don't do much in the way of housework. Have always worked - done just about everything - weekends, evenings ... whenever the kids are at school or my partner was at home. Thing is that the work I am doing at the moment is unpaid - it was our decision to do this for the first two years of my child's schooling. The hours are slightly more flexible and it's getting me back into the workplace. I don't want to go back to full time work until my daughter starts secondary school - that is also our decision. I want to look after her after school hours, I think it's important.

Funny, I feel as though I am having to justify myself. It was the pocket money issue I was raising ... I didn't realise that I would be made to feel lilke a slacker taking the p*. However, I know you don't all have all the facts so you have to make assumptions. Thank for all your comments one and all.

I would strongly suggest, as I have before that lynehamrose gets off her high horse and reads this woman's post in detail.

Yes, I've read the thread thanks, and I am listenting to the op not other people who want to speak on her behalf

Tell him you don't want it to be called pocket money because that is patronising. But you haven't really got anything to complain about apart form that. You are choosing not to do paid work and your husband is paying the bills plus 200 quid a month for you to do what you wish with. Hardly financial abuse