money money money

[jen333]

AIBU in feeling resentful about being given pocket money (£50 per week), and my personal current account kept to the overdrawn limit? I am a stay at home mum with no income of my own.

Its clearly not a situation her dh is happy with- that my point! Working and caring for children is also a perfectly 'normal' and 'valid ' choice- in fact being at home and not earning is no doubt a small minority of people once the kids are school age. The expectations in the marriage need renegotiating methinks

meltedchocolate:

Due to his income I am entitled to jobseekers, luckily it looks like I will have a job so not need it. My point was that just because I am not earning doesn't mean I expect my OH to give me money, my money is my money, his money is his money. If I want money, or anyone wants money, they need to get it themselves unless their OH is happy to give them some, to me £50 is more than generous for someone taking themselves out of the job market.

For those who have said that there are not jobs around, if you are not fussy there are still quite a few. Not high-paying and not the best jobs, put any money is better than no money.

waterrat: It's not that people are saying childcare doesn't count but the OPs children are in school, so she is not providing childcare but is doing non-paid work. It would be a different matter if the OP was caring for young children.

If I had one child of school age (others are adult) I would think myself bloody lucky to have a husband paying the mortage, council tax, heating, food etc plus giving 'me £50 a week to spend as I chose. Ok , the 'pocket money ' tone of it isn't nice, but honestly, the op is onto a pretty good thing in terms of actual finance and responsibilities. I don't honestly see how anyone can disagree with that.

But it's not the right way to think about it. Your money is my money in a marriage is the old fashioned and (in my brain) and best way. You should both not be extravagant and check with each other for a "crazy" purchase first. There seems to be no trust here, which is sad.

Agree- there seems to be a lack of communcation and trust

Hello everyone again -
£50 allowance is absolute nonsense. Even in the 1950s the norm was that earnings were given to the 'housewife' and she would give her husband the allowance - if they could afford it. Twas ever thus. Where on earth have we got to that suddenly women feel they are only entitled to an allowance? I'm horrified and am liable to start ranting any minute - hold me back - oops too late! Main carer needs to organise the finances because main carer knows what needs to be spent. How can you be in a relationship where you are not trusted with the household income? Jen's OH is the one with the financial planning disability, not her! What exactly are you saying lynehamrose? Have you ever even heard of financial abuse? That's what the situation is here. It is a way of using money to CONTROL someone. Trying to control someone is abusive behaviour. End of.

Rant over.

(Jen said) "Would be a good idea to sit down and talk - but DH doesn't do that and I just get resentful over time. Am particularly cross today as he became very cross when I told him I had written out a cheque for school stuff that I hadn't warned him about previously. Overall things aren't too bad but I do hate feeling like a child"

RED FLAG ALERT if you ask me.

PS - they have a daughter who is 6

Barbie: What exactly am I saying?

I am saying that neither partner should be giving the other an 'allowance' - I think your idea that the 'housewife' takes the husbands earnings and hands him back some pocket money is as repellant as the husband doing that to the wife.

However, 'pocket money ' connotations aside, £50 per week is perfectly adequate if everything else- mortgage, bills, food etc is being paid for by the husband. The child is in school, the wife does some voluntary work and that's it. If she wants more money, theres nothing to stop her earning it!

Another RED FLAG ALERT here "I don't feel as though he means to punish me - think he is just fearful of loosing control. But .... in effect I am being penalised for being a sahm."

Lyne you are NOT helping to empower this woman by telling her that she should think herself lucky to be getting an allowance of £50 and having to pay the insurance bills out of the child benefit which is kept in her continually overdrawn account, along with doing all the housework and childcare, which is a 7 hour day at that age.

I am also horrified. Also shocked to the core by the tenor of many replies. OP, you need a rethink and possibly a visit to Relate. On your own; tell them about your pocket-money problem and they'll reduce your fee.

I disagree.

She would empower herself by earning rather than resigning herself to a life like this for the foreseeable future.

And I think what is extremely DIS empowering is the suggestion that the housework and childcare when you have one 6 year old child is a seven hour day. Good grief! Theres more to life than housework!! And the morning and evening routines are just a normal part of parenting which either parent can do

Here's a definition of financial abuse ladies www.welshwomensaid.org/whatis/financial.html.

I agree with lynehamrose. It sounds as though the OP's husband doesn't want her to be a SAHM and she is ignoring the signs because she doesn't want to get a paid job.

Both parties have to agree if one person wants to stay at home, and neither can insist that the other pays for them - remember that this 1950s scenario was actually deeply oppressive for many women - they had very little choice but to stay at home, and the man had all the power.

Now that it is a choice to stay at home, no one has the right to demand their partner pays for them to do so. Either the OP's H is just mean with money or he is poor at communicating what he wants - but it really sounds as though the OP just doesn't want to get a paid job - which is fine if the person paying for her lifestyle doesn't mind, but it sounds like he does.

curlychips I urge you to really read OPs posts, read them properly because I don't think you have understood what's going on here.

Barbie- the op also says in a post that she 'knows it is a luxury' to be not earning when their only dependent child is six and in school, and that in many ways she believes she is 'very lucky'. Read back through the thread. I am getting the distinct impression, overall, that the op knows that to be given £50 a week to spend when her husband is footing the mortgage, utilities , food - pretty much everything - is not a bad deal. I think her dh is NOT happy with this set up (and nor would a lot of men be) but I agree, he should sit down and have an adult conversation and tell his wife what he really feels rather than hiding behind rather childish actions.

There are a few jobs that you could do during the day whilst your dd is in school - you could do cleaning and ironing for older people,this would be like a mini business venture for you,dog walking,gravestone cleaning,advertise as a mums help during the day (new mums often need a sitter for an hour or two) you could go on a relief register as a lunchtime supervisor or ask in local shops would they need anyone for a few hours a week (perhaps covering a time when the shops extra busy or they just need an extra pair of hands,you could do avon or betterware or even try for a lunchtime shift in a local pub or chipshop.

These are all jobs that wont make you a millionaire but will put extra £££s in the purse.

jen333 I know you don't need careers advice - you've already stated that you are considering work and business opportunities. My concern is that DP won't allow you to have full access to the joint account for the simple reason that he was taken to the cleaners by his ex wife. My concern is that he has made you think it is acceptable to give you a £50 allowance for being the mother and main carer of his 6 year old child. I am also concerned that he is using the only income you get (child benefit) to pay the insurance bill.

There are two emotional abuse red flags here - one is about control and trust regarding money, the other is the 'evil' ex-partner.

She isn't getting a £50 allowance for being the 'mother and main carer' - good grief, since when was being a parent remunerated for any of us!

She is getting £50 per week as personal spending money, with the mortage and all bills paid by him, which seems an entirely reasonable amount, in fact in the current climate, for Many couples, £200 per month each for personal spending would be a undreamed of luxury!

I am not in total disagreement with you barbie. He should not be paying insurance out of child benefit. And I would strongly urge her to have her own account when shes earning. That way they can each contribute to the joint account for household bills, and keep their personal spending under their own control.
However, I still think the nub of the issue is that he feels unhappy about the situation, and this will be magnified if he had a previous partner who he supported for years and then got screwed over by. Financial abuse happens both ways - I have known women who refuse to work, or only work in very part time low pressure jobs, reaping the benefits of their husbands hard work for YEARS and then clear off with a new bloke and the husband is hung out to dry.
I think the op should prioritise starting to earn again, rather than waiting for exactly what she wants to fall into her lap. And set up her own account and have her earnings and the child benefit paid into that

I never understand why those who have school age children do not work. What does the OP do all day? I work full time Im out the house from ten to eight until ten past six at night, have a son who is home all day alone, and it doesnt take me hours to clean house. My place is always tidy.

So the OP sits on her arse all day and gets 50 a week spending money!

Not bad.

My first post was written before I knew the age of their child.

We have seperate accounts, our pay goes into our own accounts then we have a standing order to a joint account that bills etc get paid from. I wouldn't let him near my money - it goes through his hands like water!

Think lynehamrose makes some good points. Don't think this issue is really about money but money is how it's being played out in OP's relationship.

Surely work choices have to be made as a couple when you have children. Not sure how many women would be happy if their DH / DP said they had resigned and were going to look after the children and home while their partner went to work and paid all the bills.

Most mothers work and, depending where you live, there are some good, well paid jobs that fit well with school hours. However, most people who have jobs like these have made the job theirs by returning from maternity leave and keeping a career going.

OP, maybe a good way to start a conversation, would be to devise an excel sheet detailing all your joint income / outgoings and see what's going where and who has how much left.

Lol fabbychic- yes, I don't think a 6 year old is going to be home alone all day! But your underlying point is right- the op could easily work, any childcare is easily outweighed by earnings once the child is school age; and the op only has one young child, so its not even as though they need holiday care for 2 or 3. And you're right about housework- to suggest it takes several hours a day is seriously sad! Washing on the night before, hang out before work in the morning, run the hoover round twice a week, clean bathroom once a week. Shopping can be done on line or a weekly shop, cooking wholesome meals need take no more than 30 mins in the evening. Job done.

lynehamrose if only running my home was that simple.

We shouldnt underestimate the sahm and what she does during the day.

And anyone who says they only hoover twice a week and clean a bathroom once a week is a far better and cleaner woman than me.