Please don't feel you have to reply to this but I need to write it down.

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

I can't be arsed to name change to my other name for this. I need to write this down to see if getting it out of my head helps me to make sense of it.

I have an ex husband. He was abusive, controlling, and all kinds of a bastard. If you search for my other name it's justforthisonepost and some of it is detailed there but it might have been in chat and it might have gone. I am out of the situation now, have a lovely DP and all is good.

Except that the ex is still controlling me through the kids and it is driving me slowly insane. For example, he sees the kids one night a week and every other weekend and takes them to school on the morning after he has them. This is going to sound really petty but it is really annoying - he keeps their clothes. If I send a coat or anything I don't get it back. DD2 goes to school on the morning in joggers and trainers with her uniform on the top, I never get the joggers and trainers back and end up having to text him to get them back. When I text him, he ignores the texts.

For example, I texted him and said "I need trainers for DD2. She has 3 pairs, all at your house please can I get a pair she can't get out to play tonight because it is wet out and I only have school shoes or sandals". That text was sent at 4pm. he doesn't reply. So I text again at 7, please can I have trainers. Still no reply. I ring at 9.30pm and say I need trainers for DD as she can't get out to play and he is totally passive aggressive nasty with me.

It's hard to describe, he doesn't shout or yell but it's all contained aggression and "I have not got time to be replying to texts that you send I'm busy".

Yesterday I texted him "When suits tomorrow to meet to swap xyz" (ie trainers and coats and other stuff. The reply I got was "I will be there at 3.15". This has really upset me and I can't explain why very well. It feels like he's ordering me and treating me like a second class citizen, that he is more important than me (which is how he treated me when we were together) and that I have to do what I'm told and be dictated to.

I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm not up for posting there. Please don't feel you have to respond I just need to get this out and see if I can work a way of making me not feel so crap.

I've texted DD1 and told her to make sure that everything gets gathered up and I want it all back tomorrow and it's up to her and DD2 get it all collected together. And if it isn't all there tomorrow then they keep looking til they get it all. She texted back "but what will I wear if I go out from Dad's then" I said "that's for you and dad to sort out"

They are on a promise already for a fantabulous weekend (nothing to do with me, DP is in charge)

He won't take them to birthday parties a lot of the time or sleepovers, I'm lucky that DP is so good and doesn't mind having them around as there's a lot of weekends we're supposed to be kidless that we end up doing runs to and from birthday parties or sleepovers.

Mind you, I told DP recently that when it's the "I want collect from the trendy club 346 miles away and I'm dressed like a cheap hooker and I dont want dad to see and oh please come and get me at 3am" - that's his turn

Read the thread Roses2

it's all in there I think.

I don't consult ex on everything BTW, I think that was IwishIWas, I don't ask him about haircuts or anything, but then both DD's have fairly strong views on how their hair should look Actually I posted a thread on that recently, ex was shocked and I mean Shocked that I was taking them to a hairdresser, he was male and he was ..... gay. Oh ffs hold the front page. A gay hairdresser. Like that's a shocker, or relevant to how good of a hairdresser he is.

Weirdly x posted again.

This thread is my x-posty thread ever.

rosie - !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! get YOU! This is fantastic!

(uh, if you "know me on the board, you'll know that my exclamation mark is LOW)

How do you feel? You are doing so well, I'm actually welling up a little bit!

TINY bit of critisism is this - try and change the way you text it to the girls, rather than "I want it all gathered up and brought back tomorrow" put "Hey! hope you're having a lovely time with Dad, please make sure you're grabbing a change of clothes to bring home with you - plus anything you want to be here for the next week. Love you, mum xx"

Get the clothes back by stealth -

Oh what I said on the text was "hey have you seen the cool google guitar? It's fab. Have a go of it. R u going up town tomoz with X? R u walkin to mine or do u want me or DP to collect you? don't forget money if you need some gimme a shout I'll meet you. can you do me a favour babes and gather up all the clothes at dad's coz we're going out on Sat and sun rembr and I want u to look nice. And get dd2 to do it too. if you don't get all don't worry you can get it next week luv u cant wait to cu tomoz"

Oh and I am so so sorry for the txtspk

Oh chickie dee.

I was paraphrasing - but you know what? that text is lovely...

but a bit um....

subservient. There I said it.

I am struggling here not to hurt your feelings, but my text would be without the offer for money, without the "do me a favour" without the"I want you to look nice"

I understand totally why you are texting her as you do. Honestly. But my text would be:

"hey have you seen the cool google guitar? It's fab. Have a go of it. R u going up town tomoz with X? R u walkin to mine or do u want me or DP to collect you? Remember to gather up all the clothes at dad's that you want coz we're going out on Sat and sun. And ask dd2 to do it too please.luv u cant wait to cu tomoz"

It's about saying to the girls "If you want X and you've taken it to Dad's, it's there until you see him again, AND REMEMBER TO COLLECT IT"

It's about disengaging.

It's hard. You're doing so well! I have only changed the text that you sent so that (hopefully) you can see a change in tone IYKWIM?

Hey well done you - first step in standing up to the KnobEx. Brilliant.
My sister has a controlling knob of an Ex and he tries it on all the time. Her solution - do not rise to it. If he sends an abusive text - she ignores OR (more infuriating) replies "yawn"

How about you do not send ANY clothes to his house? His day with the children? HIS turn to buy clothes. They go in School clothes - they go to school the next day or Monday in School clothes. Nothing else sent. First weekend he may have to buy some stuff - or heavens forbid use some of the clothes he alreay has there.
Don't sent trainers or anything else. Text him to say you've had enough and THIS is how it will be until all the clothes are returned.

Do you have a double lock on the front door? Then only give DD the yale key and not the mortice. Then you can lock the mortice on days she is with him so he can't get in with her. (Explain to DD that it's for house safety.)

Don't rise to anything he says and send everything as factual. I am doing this.
Don't be desperate for replies from him - you're putting yourself in the weak position. Either tell him how it is and leave it like that or give a time frame and stick to it. If he's not there in that frame GO OUT and lock the door.

You just need to look at him as a tyrant / potential theif / pathetic toddler who needs boundaries setting.

You can get through this. You CAN get out from under his control. Honestly.

Oh I know what you mean about the text Shirley but ex doesn't give her any money and I meant to give her some before she left today, just so she could get a coffee or whatever. She's also in the middle of exams and I am treading carefully with her in general.

I don't have a double lock on the door, it's a upvc double glazed door with just a key, and I like her having a key so she can walk home if I'm picking DD2 up from school.

Fuckme you have done so well today.

You should feel blooming proud girl

yy to Quick.

and a quick reminder that I'm not really criticising you at all - you have been amazingly brave and strong today.

I know you're not Shirley - and if it wasn't for you lot I wouldn't have done any of it

I would make a rule with yourself. You will ONLY text him something ONCE. Dont keep texting him and requesting the same things, he got your text, he knows what you want and to be honest is just enjoying winding you up.
He seems like a bitter sad man, you are better than that.

Play him at his own game.

If he wants something for the children tell him in ONE text "I will be here between 1pm-2pm" Leave it at that.
If he chooses to come to collect the items he does, if not it's not that important.

Do not be bullied by this man.

Buy your children a set of clothes which you will send them to him wearing. If they do not come home with these clothes, no big deal, dont mention it to him at all.... when he asks why they dont have certain things when he collects them you can say "because you didnt bring them back last time" and leave it at that.

Think two steps ahead, the children can wear/have what they like with you, but when with him they can only have the set of clothes they need. If they ask where the other clothes are say "dad has them".

GOOD LUCK X

Just realised this threa dfis 8 pages long lol! The message above was to your first post :-) x

Good god, what an arse your xp is. I'm very glad for you that you made him your ex.

I've only read the first page so far, so apologies if someone's already said this, but how about if you staple a list of into both daughters' school diaries, detailing what belongings they are taking to their dad's house that need returning. Then train them to go through the checklist in the last 30 minutes before they leave him.

Might that help? It would take the pressure off you and also teach your scattier DD something about how to organise herself.

I echo bonzo here.
Stop sending clothes with them that;s it. He has plenty there and explain to the dds that this is what is going to happen.
No more clothes going that way now the traffic has to change to your house.
Also you do know you'll have to stop asking him things and just telling him the arrangements.
Look if the kids are put out a bit by missing something then that will make them a little more responsible for thier own stuff and that's a good thing.

Good luck and keep at it, little by little by ignoring and detaching you will be laughing in a few months ok

He has just texted. Am not going to reply

"I will drop violin and clothes you have demanded off first thing in the morning"

I haven't demanded. I have asked. Superdooperdy politely as well. As for the fecking bastard violin.... am tempted to drive over it tbh. It's the informing me of what he is going to do that gets up my nose, no discussion, no does it suit, is it ok with you if....

DP is for answering the door in his boxers.

And I had a thought. Would it be really terrible if the violin got "lost". And then she would have to just use another one. (Not permanently damaged or anything, but did half think of accidentally sending it to DP's roofspace). Because my nerves are not standing up too well to a 12 year old with £949.99 of violin.

Do not reply.

Please.

AT ALL

IGNORE. I am here, holding your hand.

Naw Shirley, you're holding my phone up above your head and going "no you can't have it"

"I will drop violin and clothes you have demanded off first thing in the morning"

2 things

1. by standing your ground earlier you have already achieved a small victory - so your new approach works. Stick to it!

2. yes, he's using emotive words 'demanding' and trying to goad you to respond. Don't take the bait.

He's an utter asshole

at boxies. will he actually be there first thing, does he know what time he needs to be there by? If he does know when he needs to be there, don't wait in after then. Leave when you normally would, and call him to say please don't drop stuff off now as its too late and violin is too precious - ask him to drop off at school instead. If he doesn't know then you are maybe allowed one text to tell him (nicely) when he needs to be there (it might spoil your evening to call him now if he's an arse)

i like the idea of a checklist someone above mentioned - try to separate DDs scattiness with exs awkwardness, treat it as an exercise in teaching her to be more organised

be strong!!

I swear the bastard violin is going to DP's tomorrow. I'm going to tell him it got "misplaced". Then I'll either buy her a cheap violin at £50 or he can give her his old one which he never plays. It is seriously nuts for a 12 year old to have a violin of such value. She can get it back when she's older and can appreciate it and does some fecking practice.

Oh he'll be here for 8.45/9am. DP is off, so he'll still be here. ex will HATE him being here.