Please don't feel you have to reply to this but I need to write it down.

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

I can't be arsed to name change to my other name for this. I need to write this down to see if getting it out of my head helps me to make sense of it.

I have an ex husband. He was abusive, controlling, and all kinds of a bastard. If you search for my other name it's justforthisonepost and some of it is detailed there but it might have been in chat and it might have gone. I am out of the situation now, have a lovely DP and all is good.

Except that the ex is still controlling me through the kids and it is driving me slowly insane. For example, he sees the kids one night a week and every other weekend and takes them to school on the morning after he has them. This is going to sound really petty but it is really annoying - he keeps their clothes. If I send a coat or anything I don't get it back. DD2 goes to school on the morning in joggers and trainers with her uniform on the top, I never get the joggers and trainers back and end up having to text him to get them back. When I text him, he ignores the texts.

For example, I texted him and said "I need trainers for DD2. She has 3 pairs, all at your house please can I get a pair she can't get out to play tonight because it is wet out and I only have school shoes or sandals". That text was sent at 4pm. he doesn't reply. So I text again at 7, please can I have trainers. Still no reply. I ring at 9.30pm and say I need trainers for DD as she can't get out to play and he is totally passive aggressive nasty with me.

It's hard to describe, he doesn't shout or yell but it's all contained aggression and "I have not got time to be replying to texts that you send I'm busy".

Yesterday I texted him "When suits tomorrow to meet to swap xyz" (ie trainers and coats and other stuff. The reply I got was "I will be there at 3.15". This has really upset me and I can't explain why very well. It feels like he's ordering me and treating me like a second class citizen, that he is more important than me (which is how he treated me when we were together) and that I have to do what I'm told and be dictated to.

I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm not up for posting there. Please don't feel you have to respond I just need to get this out and see if I can work a way of making me not feel so crap.

Well, he just turned up to get the stuff - face like thunder.

I walked to the car he reached for my hand to take the stuff off me, I dropped the bag on the floor and turned and walked into the house. Petty, yes I know. As I walked away he said "Don't you want to discuss this". I ignored him.

Good for you. It's a start.

not floor - ground outside beside his car. my hands are shaking I've never done anything like this before.

It doesn't matter that he thinks you should run the stuff up to him. The point is that you didn't. I bet he was hoping for a good old row, and you disappointed him again by not listening. Result!

You could have some fun with this (when it isn't directly impacting your DDs).

You're OK, you did really well.

Well Done! (you'll probably feel a bit shaky for a while and then you'll think "YEAH!! I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! MOFO")

fuckme good for you!!

And he is NOT more intelligent than you so STOP saying that and putting yourself down.

He might have a way with words, but he is an immature ARSEHOLE who you are well rid off-just remember that

Also please get your DC to take more responsibility for remembering their things. Give them a list of what they need to being back or text them. If they forget, don't worry just bribe them with CHOOLATE remind them for next time.

apparently I should have texted him at 2.45 to remind him to come for the stuff at 3.15.

I just knew it would end up being my fault somehow.

well done you. Controlling people do get angry when you stand up to them - it shows you made an impact - it might get harder before it gets better. Keep at it - but be civil and don't get dragged down to his level.

He is a CHILD in an mans body. Sad for him but you can't fix that. His mum does his washing? You need to text him and remind him? FFS!

What?? Is he 12?

YOU are NOT his Mother.
YOU are NOT responsible for his forgetfulness.

The whole world would not think this was your fault. Only one person would, your Ex because as I have already said he is an immature arsehole who doesn't want to be held responsible for his OWN actions.

Just ignore his stupid comments.

He doesn't answer your calls? But he doesn't answer your texts either. At least if he doesn't answer your calls, he doesn't know what you're calling about (don't leave voicemail except maybe to ask him to call you) so is not left 'holding all the cards.
Get some therapy to help you deal with your fear of standing up to his angry behaviour (i think the controlling is supressed anger - maybe its flippant to say this but i BET he has some issues with his mum)

Chuh!

IGNORE

He is a chaotic person, trying desperately to drag you back into his own chaotic way of life. Don't let him.

BTW, ignoring his unreasonable texts and phone calls might make him v cross. Ignore that as well.

Blimey, that one 'you should've reminded him at 2.45" is a weak weak way to put the blame on you. It's laughable.

I think you should practise chuckling at him instead. He's so pathetic. He's a petty little man with a streak of entitlement a mile wide.

He texted to say "in future if you need me to be there at a specific time please text and remind me at least 30 minutes prior to said time"

So, I ask "What time suits" he says "I will be there at 3.15" and then it's up to me to text and remind him. Or allow him free run to come in and out of my house using DD's key whenever he likes. Or leave the stuff outside on the step to get soaked.

Either way, it'll all be my fault. I am so glad I am not living with him anymore, I really did think I was going mad when I lived with him. I think it was gaslighting.

Ahahahah! He is quite mental. I really hope you have just put that text in a little folder called "arse"

(my ex is actually called Arse on my phone, childish? Yes. Satisfying? OH YES, )

The worst part of this relationship is over. You're out of it. I hope you haven't replied to him, and that you won't dignify such unreasonable bullshit with a reply. (it'll probably drive him nuts)

I haven't replied. It's totally ridiculous.

DP has just ordered me to go for a bath - so I'm not running away, will go have a soak I have a headache and I look like shit I'm white as a sheet

OOoh! You sound like you've done really well today - god I didn't mean that to sound patronizing, sorry well done though

No I know but fuck it's hard to change habits of years. I really do have a headache and am pasty white. DVD take away and wine instead of night out I think

And thanks you lot for the support and slight kick up the bum

You've got to start somewhere, and may as well be now. Well done - enjoy your evening now as much as you can

DrGrunt - to an extent I think DP is right, as much as I think of a practical solution to a problem, ex will come up with some other nutty way to behave that makes it difficult.

DP firmly believes it will change in the next few months when we get a place together and DP is on the scene a lot more - he's intending to do many more drop offs/pick ups and I will be tougher on the kids - but some of it is going to be inevitable I think.

DrGrunt - that is such a good idea!

I know you're feeling shaky Rosie - that's normal, but just think - if you can let his chaos just..BE..without you getting sucked in, these feelings of shakiness and fear will reduce and reduce and reduce until they are no more.

(Honestly, I had some therapy and my counsellor talked to me about the ways that I used to get dragged into my ex's madness - I managed to fight it off for a long time and the final snap - that I talked about earlier in the thread has only just happened; but the minute I realised that I do not have to be a part of his control anymore - that I could just, let it go, was a Happy, Happy day in the Shirley household)

You've been very brave today. [gentle punch on the arm]

Oh god he sounds awful! You are so lucky to be separated from him!

Here's what I would do with regard to the clothes etc. I'd pay the children to bring everything home - count up the things they are taking and say you will pay them X for each item they return. For every item they forget, they will have to pay you the same amount.

Or: if you bring everything back (give them a detailed list) then I will get you both a takeaway pizza on the Sunday night (or whatever they like - DVD, cream cake, etc.)

Then phone them an hour before they come back (do they have a mobile?) and talk them through it all.

To be honest, I think that when they get a bit older they won't want to go there, they'll want to go out with their friends and go to sleepovers. It would be different if he was normal, but god, why wouldn't they rather go anywhere than there?

You're lucky having a lovely partner. Ugh, keep shuddering when I think of your ex!

I separated when my children were toddlers and they spent alternate weekends and parts of holidays at their fathers so I can undertsand the difficulty with the logistics.... however

You need to seriously toughen up.

It's a game to him and you're still playing - dancing to HIS tune.

Stop it!

When you pack a case for your children write down all the items you have packed on a sheet of paper and state that you want these same items returned. Put it in the case.

If they are not returned then don't send any more clothes - let him deal with it.

TBH this situation will resolve itself naturally in a year or so anyway as your eldest will start demanding to take home those items that she is proud of rather than leaving them at her fathers.

Also, in a few years they can travel those few miles to their fathers independantly.

If he's late back with them - go out yourself. Let him have the problem of driving around wondering when you're coming home. Fuck up his arrangements just as he's fucking up yours and he'll get the message.

I really don't understand why you are consulting him about trivia. My solicitor said I should consult my ex about the important things: what religion they are brought up in, what school they attend but for day to day matters such as hair cuts I should just do as I please - and I did.

But I do sympathise - it's not easy.

How old are your children - are they old enough yet to remember to take their clothes back?