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Original poster

He tried to have sex with me while I was asleep

489 replies

maristella · 05/06/2011 21:46

And I'm very fucking angry about it.

The more I tried to stop him, the more he interpreted my movement as a green light. I kept saying let me sleep, I rolled away until I ha nowhere left to go, I kept taking his hands and cock away from me. The only way I was able to make him stop was to get out of bed. He looked so utterly wounded and rejected Angry

It was a new relationship, I really liked him, and this was the first time we spent the night together, and the last.

I fucking hate him, I have rejected all his calls since and he is still ringing and texting. I know I should have spelled it out to him, but I knew I would have been bombarded. He sent me loads of emails saying he wanted to spend the weekend with me and DS; he's never met my DS! I don;t ever want him to meet DS, ever! I emailed back (the only contact I've made to him since I stayed over) and said I really don;t want a relationship. But he is still fucking trying!

I could actually go to the police, which might mean that mutual friends and family are dragged into this, I might be vilified for this. I don;t want or deserve that. I could carry on dodging him. I might flip and call him a pervert and threaten to tell my family and our friends.

I just needed to let that out....

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 06/06/2011 02:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beautifulswan · 06/06/2011 03:00

That's it, back to the insults swallowed!

Ria28, most of the details you listed there are irrelevant as to whether this is attempted rape or not. It's irrelevant whether she knew him for 20 years or 20 minutes, that makes no difference. The details I'm referring to are the ones that we don't know, the details that would be excruciatingly questioned over and over again in a court. But it seems the mumsnet gang have already found this man guilty...Bravo!!

Ria28 · 06/06/2011 03:35

What details besides 'she said no, he continued' do you think are relevant swan?

Tambern · 06/06/2011 03:53

Beautifulswan, what on earth is wrong with you? No means No. Always. Without exception. No one ever has the right to tell you no does not mean no.

She said no in an aggressive, and firm way, pushed him off her continually while repeating no, and he kept pressing the point. That is attempted assault. He had no right to assume automatic consent to sex with an asleep woman.

You seem obsessed with the question of force, the fact is he attempted to have non-consensual sex with her. She repeatedly said no. This means that there is no way there is any grey area whatsoever. None. I feel very sorry for you, if you've had relationships where 'no' has not been enough to ensure that you can sleep unmolested.

feelingafailure · 06/06/2011 05:18

sorry but u gave hin all the wrong signals.if u aint happy having him in your bed dont invite him.he might be an idiot. i agree he shouldnt have tried it on.

differentnameforthis · 06/06/2011 06:07

Ripeberry, bigbuttons & wotty....

What the actual fuck!!!!! Are we back in the dark ages!!!?

differentnameforthis · 06/06/2011 06:14

I know that sleeping in the same bed as a guy does not give him the right over your own body but it does give off signals

I share a bed with my dh of 17yrs every night. He knows that that, in NO way gives him any signals what so ever. He knows that I am not free to have when he gets the urge.

You are talking stupid talk!

bigbuttons · 06/06/2011 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Thistledew · 06/06/2011 07:42

Ripeberry, bigbuttons, wotty, and failure -

so if the OP had been unable to get away in this scenario, either because of a physical disability or because, for example, the bed was against the wall and she could not push past him, do you think it would have been ok for him to continue to "persuade" her to have sex? At what point should he have accepted her NO, before or after he got his dick in her? Please explain how long would it have been reasonable for him to continue to try to persuade her assault her before he had to accept that she did not want to have sex with him? 5 mins? Half an hour? Why not after the first time she said no? Do you honestly think that if a woman has said no several times, that the minute she stops saying no she has signaled her consent?

OP, you know that what he did was out of order. I am sorry you had to go through that. I can understand why you are so angry. If I were you I would send him a formal letter either by email or to hammer home the message by recorded delivery, stating exactly why what he did was wrong, and that you do not wish to hear from him ever again. If he does contact you after that, report him to the police for harassment.

MinnieBar · 06/06/2011 07:44

Following on from another thread that states that keeping silent is tantamount to condoning the posts you disagree with, I'd just like to calmly add my voice to say:

It was attempted rape.

OP I'm so sorry that this happened to you and that you've then had to read such comments.

There. Calm, no personal insults, just adding my vote to the 'hysterical minority'.

StrawberryMewMew · 06/06/2011 07:55

This thread is mind blowing...

I actually cannot believe some women on here think that because she was in his bed she had to have been giving off signals!

Are you also the types to say if she had been dressed slutty she would have been giving off signals as well?

As has already been said, no always means no! And in the eyes of the law it is attempted rape.

I never say this, but to the posters who think she was at fault... Get a fucking grip!

Original poster
maristella · 06/06/2011 08:00

beautifulswan the first person to say it was attempted rape was my best friend, whose house I went straight to after leaving his house. I was shaking and angry, got a taxi straight there instead of the train (20 miles!). At first I couldn't quite cope with that description of it, but fully agreed with her that it went far beyond trying it on.

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 06/06/2011 08:01

Just adding my voice to the No means No fact .

I don't think I know anybody in rl that would think anything else .

Man or woman .

Can you block his number on your phone ? If that doesn't work I would seriously think about going to the police about his behaviour .

Original poster
maristella · 06/06/2011 08:03

To those who have been so supportive of me here, thank you. Sadly you've had to justify your support over and over again, and I appreicate that you have. It reinforces to me that if I was to go to the police only the ensuing harassment would be taken seriously, and even that may not because I did not have a big convo with him to end it. I didn't have that convo because I have no desire to talk about what happened and have him brush over it as if it was nothing, or appropriate or warranted etc.

OP posts:
belgo · 06/06/2011 08:06

It was attempted rape, that was very clear from your first post. You are perfectly justified in going to the police but having read Ripeberry's reply, I totally understand why you don't want to take this further for fear of more of those sorts of reactions.

It's so sad and worrying that he can get away with this.

TheBlindAssassin · 06/06/2011 08:06

"Following on from another thread that states that keeping silent is tantamount to condoning the posts you disagree with, I'd just like to calmly add my voice to say:

It was attempted rape.

OP I'm so sorry that this happened to you and that you've then had to read such comments.

There. Calm, no personal insults, just adding my vote to the 'hysterical minority'."

Couldn't have said it better myself MinnieBar.

travellingwilbury · 06/06/2011 08:07

How long has he been hassling you since ?

It sounds like you had a relationship for a shorter time than you have had the hassling from him . Overkill from him for sure even if he thought he had done nothing wrong . He did but it sounds like he doesn't "get" that .

Have you spoken to your friend about how he is still acting like a prick ? What does she think you should do ?

Original poster
maristella · 06/06/2011 08:09

To those who say that nothing actually happened, it bloody did.

I'm so grateful that I was on the side of the bed where I could get out, because had I been on the other side I would have had to climb over him, which I think would have been difficult. He was wide awake, I was sleepy but clear in my refusal, he kept trying, pushing. If I had only turned him down say 7 or 8 times then become passive and let him do it he would not have stopped, despite my refusals. That's rape. You don;t have to be pinned down, at gunpoint to have been raped.

I can't figure out if you're trying to justify what you originally said about MY experience or are continually trying to make it clear you think I asked for this. Either way, I really don't want to hear it. I know he was in the wrong, big time. I was scared, upset, intimidated and so shocked, and still feel this way almost 2 months on. There are plenty of 'men' on the sex offenders register for a damn sight less.

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 06/06/2011 08:11

You don't need to justify this to anyone maristella . I know it must hurt and piss you off to have these comments but please try to ignore them .

As I said before I truly know nobody male or female who would think this was anything other than an attack .

AyeRobot · 06/06/2011 08:14

maristella, you can call Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 if you need to talk to someone.

I believe you.

StrawberryMewMew · 06/06/2011 08:16

Just asked my DP what his view is....

He also agrees this was attempted rape.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this OP.

Omigawd · 06/06/2011 08:20

While i can imagine how upset the OP was, it would actually be very difficult to prove this was even attempted rape, given that nothing much actually happened. Before you all howl me down, I agree the guy seems like a total prick, but think about what this would look like in a courtroom.

IMO the real thing to ensure is that no means no when it comes to him not carrying on hitting on her.

ChristinedePizan · 06/06/2011 08:21

I would answer the phone one time and hiss at him that if he ever, ever tries to contact you again, you are speaking to the police.

And yes, I would tell everyone why you're not seeing him any more. Before he goes round and tells your mutual friends that you went a bit loco and he has no idea why you won't talk to him. You have nothing to be ashamed of and perhaps his male friends may be able to make him see why what he did was very wrong.

I'm sorry this happened but I'm glad you're angry. Angry is good.

Original poster
maristella · 06/06/2011 08:22

Thank you x

And to Wotty I understand what you are trying to achieve by posting all those links about rape testimonials etc. But please don;t use that to make what he did ok. Yes, I should be grateful that I'm not a child in Congo having to go through that, and yes I should be grateful there was no gun to my head, or that my family did not have to witness this, or that I have enough limbs to have gotten away from him, or that he does not live 2 streets away from me, or that he does not have the relationship with my DS that he is trying to forge. But he was still very much in the wrong, and still is.

OP posts:
Original poster
maristella · 06/06/2011 08:26

Omigawd it would be very difficult. It's difficult enough for women/men/children who have been dragged off the streets and violently attacked even when there is concrete evidence.
There's also the social issues that would arise from me taking that approach, I would stand to lose so much.

All I want is to be left alone now, by him, but there has only been one weekend where I have not had attempted contact by him, and I have only responded the once, by email. On that occasion I was actually scared he might turn up, even though he does not know exactly where I live it would not be difficult to find out.

OP posts: