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Original poster

He tried to have sex with me while I was asleep

489 replies

maristella · 05/06/2011 21:46

And I'm very fucking angry about it.

The more I tried to stop him, the more he interpreted my movement as a green light. I kept saying let me sleep, I rolled away until I ha nowhere left to go, I kept taking his hands and cock away from me. The only way I was able to make him stop was to get out of bed. He looked so utterly wounded and rejected Angry

It was a new relationship, I really liked him, and this was the first time we spent the night together, and the last.

I fucking hate him, I have rejected all his calls since and he is still ringing and texting. I know I should have spelled it out to him, but I knew I would have been bombarded. He sent me loads of emails saying he wanted to spend the weekend with me and DS; he's never met my DS! I don;t ever want him to meet DS, ever! I emailed back (the only contact I've made to him since I stayed over) and said I really don;t want a relationship. But he is still fucking trying!

I could actually go to the police, which might mean that mutual friends and family are dragged into this, I might be vilified for this. I don;t want or deserve that. I could carry on dodging him. I might flip and call him a pervert and threaten to tell my family and our friends.

I just needed to let that out....

OP posts:
scaredoflove · 06/06/2011 10:45

OP - Please consider going to the police, this was definitely an attempted rape but was also a definite sexual assault and is now harrassment - you now need help to get this arsehole out of your life, you shouldn't have to put up with his continued contact

At the very least, is there anyone you trust who could tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to stop contact?

So sorry this has happened to you

(survivor of extreme, violent, stranger rape - this situation is NOT different - all rape/attemped rape is rape)

browneyesblue · 06/06/2011 10:46

Just wanted to add my support Maristella.

What an awful experience :(

nancydrewfoundaclue · 06/06/2011 10:50

dooin that is what I said. It is a very sound argument.

I think suggesting that being in bed with your DP doesn't send out signals that you might be up for it is wrong. This doesn't of course mean you cannot say no.

I am sorry if I am not making myself clear.

ohanotherone · 06/06/2011 10:55

I think she should go to the police and to informally ask their advice about the continued contact that this man keeps trying to have and what to do about that. The police may well have heard about this man before, we don't know. I wouldn't engage with him myself only after police advice.

DooinMeCleanin · 06/06/2011 10:55

In my world being in bed only signals that I wish to sleep.

StrawberryMewMew · 06/06/2011 10:58

Nancy, I live with my DP, we sleep in the same bed. So does that mean I'm sending out signals that I am up for it whenever we are lying in the same space?

Are you saying this gives me less of a right to say no when he wants it and I don't?

I believe in Muslim countries a law was passed to say a man can have sex with his Wife whenever he wants and she cannot say no.

However, we don't live in a Muslim country. And here if you say no it is considered by law rape, no matter what the circumstances.

In this country you can also not give consent when drunk.

Any sex without consent is considered rape.

Spudulika · 06/06/2011 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Lancelottie · 06/06/2011 11:15

Sod the 'girls need to learn to say no' idea for sex education, as put forward by the lovely Nadine.

What's needed, clearly, is sex education for boys that explains the meaning of the word 'no', once the girls have said it.

Maybe all young boys need to have the position clearly spelt out to them, so that they KNOW what rape is?

CotesduRhone · 06/06/2011 11:17

Maristella, I am so sorry that this happened to you, how awful. You thought you were on the verge of what you thought might be a relationship and this man turned out to be awful. One of the horrible things here is that it seems it is clear he has NO IDEA that what he was doing was trying to rape you. His boundaries are totally fucked up, and NOT yours.

Which brings me to my second point; I can't understand why people find it difficult to distinguish between "gradually getting in the mood on being woken up" and "repeatedly told him to leave me alone, which he absolutely would not do". It's not that difficult.

I am extremely sorry, however, for some of those on this thread whose boundaries also appear to be completely fucked up following their own experience, to the extent that they don't appear to know what rape even looks like. I suspect that for at least a few, this is so that they don't have to confront personal experience.

However, you are flat-out wrong when you try to tell the OP that this man did not try to rape her.

CatPower · 06/06/2011 11:17

Spud - she said no many times and pushed him away. Any sane man would get the hint. She has to physically remove herself from the bed because he would not stop trying to have sex with her.

She was dating him for a month, after knowing him for a year. She hardly rushed into bed with him on the first night.

Even if someone met a guy in a pub and had taken him home, they would still have the right to say no and be listened to.

Spudulika · 06/06/2011 11:18

"But the OP said No to this shitbag. Repeatedly. She pushed him off her. Repeatedly"

I suspect there are lots of women here who've had sex with their partners after saying they don't feel like like it, have moved hands and penises away, and then come around to the idea at some point. I know I have. I sometimes need a fair amount of pestering to choose sex over sleep.

Why is it only in the arena of sexual consent that we're assumed to ALWAYS say what we mean. We don't in lots of other areas of our life. I know I don't.

I've said 'no' when I've simply felt reluctant, not completely unambiguously closed to the idea of having sex.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/06/2011 11:19

She shared a bed with him so they could have sex. Which they did. But when she had had enough and wanted to sleep, he did not take "I have had enough and want to sleep" for an answer - or even "get the fuck off me" for an answer. That is the issue. Hopeful prodding may not be assault (depending on the context) but continuing to prod when the other person is clearly not only not getting turned on but beginning to panic, that's something else entirely isn't it?

CotesduRhone · 06/06/2011 11:19

"I've said 'no' when I've simply felt reluctant, not completely unambiguously closed to the idea of having sex."

And Spudulika, if that's what had happened to the OP she would not be posting here. It's not hard to understand.

CatPower · 06/06/2011 11:21

She wasn't "being warmed up". It wasn't a reluctant no, with the idea of being persuaded into a yes. She did not want to have sex with him again and he refused to listen to her until she removed herself from the bed.

Jesus wept.

Overcooked · 06/06/2011 11:21

Spudulika - read the thread - she was in a relationship with him.

All of you to that think you cannot refuse to consent to sex if you are in bed with someone - really, I do hope you never find yourself or DD in this postion - disgusting!

GeekCool · 06/06/2011 11:21

Wow, wow, wow at some of the posters on here!

Spudulika did you even read the OP and subsequent posts?

DooinMeCleanin · 06/06/2011 11:22

Oh for the love of God. No is no. It means no. There is no other fucking meaning of the word, just NO. It really is that simple. NO.

And FWIW yes I would and have shared a bed with a man I didn't wish to have sex with. Should I be gratefull he didn't rape me, since clearly I wanted it? Angry

MitchiestInge · 06/06/2011 11:25

When someone posts for support, the thread is about them. When replying it is simple, ask yourself - is this a supportive and helpful response or do I have issues of my own to deal with privately or in my own thread?

Think will have to hide this now, but really desperate to hear from MNHQ what the actual guidelines are.

CatPower · 06/06/2011 11:26

I share a bed with DP every night. Sometimes I want sex and he's not in the mood. Sometimes he wants sex when I'm in the mood. Not once have we ever felt the need to rape eachother. There are things called mutual respect, trust and plain decency that a lot of posters here seem to think men are incapable of having.

Men are not feeble creatures who cannot control themselves when confronted by a woman in their bed/house/street/general area, and to suggest that women are at fault for "provoking" them is not only an insult to women, but also an insult to every decent, good man out there. I know it may not seem like it, given many of the threads on MN, but there are good men who don't feel the need to rape, beat or cheat on their spouses out there.

Spudulika · 06/06/2011 11:26

Why was she sharing a bed with a man who she knew REALLY, REALLY wanted to have sex with her, knowing that she had no intention of doing it.

Not something I'd want to do.

Especially if they'd been out for a month and a fair amount of sexual tension had built up between them.

T'is like putting a huge croissant on a plate in front of someone who hasn't eaten for a week and saying - if you touch that I'm going to have you arrested for theft. Then leaving the room.

And why REPEATEDLY push this guy off and say no and lie down next to him again? Why not ask him to leave the first time it happens?

If you're frightened of being raped DO SOMETHING to reduce the likelihood of it happening. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR BED!

belgo · 06/06/2011 11:27

Spudulika - you haven't read the thread have you?

Spudulika · 06/06/2011 11:27

CatPower, DH and I haven't engaged in rape but there have been times we've pestered for sex, even after the other person has said they don't feel like it and has moved away across the bed.

Does that make us weird?

CotesduRhone · 06/06/2011 11:28

What are you talking about Spudulika? She'd had sex with him (perfectly consensual sex) and then when she didn't want to have sex again (what with being asleep - and what with not wanting to) he tried to rape her.

Your opinion makes absolutely no sense. At all. None!

Anniegetyourgun · 06/06/2011 11:28

By the way, I would have been FURIOUS to be pestered "to choose sex over sleep" - it's a form of bullying, though if it works for you of course I can't say it is wrong, for you. If I were merely reluctant I wouldn't say a definite no, but once I had said one I would expect to be listened to. I have a great respect not only for my own boundaries but for the English language.

CatPower · 06/06/2011 11:28

Fucking hell Spudulika, are you being deliberately obtuse?

Please, for your own sake and clarity, re-read Maristella's posts, particularly when she said they had sex during the night, but he woke her up later on harassing her for more.

Why do you think she is at fault here, when anyone with half a braincell can see that she wasn't at all?