He tried to have sex with me while I was asleep

[maristella]

And I'm very fucking angry about it.

The more I tried to stop him, the more he interpreted my movement as a green light. I kept saying let me sleep, I rolled away until I ha nowhere left to go, I kept taking his hands and cock away from me. The only way I was able to make him stop was to get out of bed. He looked so utterly wounded and rejected

It was a new relationship, I really liked him, and this was the first time we spent the night together, and the last.

I fucking hate him, I have rejected all his calls since and he is still ringing and texting. I know I should have spelled it out to him, but I knew I would have been bombarded. He sent me loads of emails saying he wanted to spend the weekend with me and DS; he's never met my DS! I don;t ever want him to meet DS, ever! I emailed back (the only contact I've made to him since I stayed over) and said I really don;t want a relationship. But he is still fucking trying!

I could actually go to the police, which might mean that mutual friends and family are dragged into this, I might be vilified for this. I don;t want or deserve that. I could carry on dodging him. I might flip and call him a pervert and threaten to tell my family and our friends.

I just needed to let that out....

Thanks, but I'll stay here.

I cannot believe I have just read the comment about seeing the world through 'rape coloured glasses'. How fucking appalling.

Maristella - very sorry to hear about what you experienced :(

Just to add, I never at any point said that the bloke was in the right. I never said he was right to keep on trying.

It's the hysterical outbursts on here that are crazy

OP if he keeps bothering you, go to the police. I hope you can put this all behind you and find a bloke that treats you in a more respectful manner.

maristella I am sorry you went through what was clearly a frightening not to mention hugely disappointing experience. The nasty experience is clearly now being aggravated by the continued harrassment and I would certainly report that to the police.

I do think these sorts (by which I mean couples in bed not the exact circs the OP has decsribed) of scenarios are difficult. Of course being in bed with a man, or having previously had sex with him does not create ongoing consent, you are as entitled to say no in those circumstances and to be listened to as in any other, what it does do though, in my opinion, is give the man a reasonable expectation that physical contact may be desired.

In those circumstances I could not fault a man for caressing my breast or pushing against me prior to obtaining my explicit consent, even if for whatever reason his attentions were at that time unwanted because the fact is my prior behaviour has suggested a certain willing unlike for example if a stranger approached me in the street and grabbed my breast. I think it is as dangerous to assume that the first is a sexual assault (prior tothe point where I say "no") as it is to assume no doesn't always mean no.

im interested to hear what wooty and swan etc would have said to maristella, had they been the friend she had come to after it happened?

if in rl a good friend came to your house shaking and upset and described this- would your appraisal of the situation change at all?

I think what's going on with all the rape apologists is that some of them are men, and not just men but MRA. Women who are rape apologists are basically performing a primitive self-protecting ritual - if I can blame victims hard enough and distinguish my behaviour from theirs then I will never be raped.

NancyDrew: But the OP said No to this shitbag. Repeatedly. She pushed him off her. Repeatedly. Why is it so hard for fuckwits to understand that this is attempted rape? ONe 'No' should be enough for any ethical and mentally competent adult to understand, and it is enough for men who are not pricks.

What a disgusting thread.

OP - GO TO THE POLICE

There is no doubt in my mind what he did was attempted rape. You said no, more than once so no room for misunderstanding, physically repelled him and he still kept attempting. What part of that isn't attempted rape??!!

I am so disgusted at MN right now.

I've fallen into some sort of twilightone haven't I? Or into some time loop and it's really the 1920's?

Maristella I am so sorry. I hope your not actually believing any of this dribble? I really hope you get something sorted. Personally I would arrange for him to be beaten to a bloody pulp , but the Police would probably be a better idea.

Jessica, does it actually matter why she didn't want to do it again?

IT IS OUR RIGHT TO SAY NO AT ANY TIME - EVEN DURING SEX. THE FACT SHE HAD HAD SEX AND WAS SHARING A BED MEANS FUCK ALL. NO MEANS NO...

OP - you have to go to police, if not for yourself, but for others.

Just because he is (WAS) a friend, a mutal friend doesn't mean he isn't a nasty peice of work. He may try it with other "friends" - anything.

GO to the police. If they do not think this was attempted rape, they will tell you so. That won't happen, because it was attempted rape. It was it was it was. Please go to the Police. There is no question of a doubt that you should.

Please don't tell op she has to go to the police, even when it is handled well it can still be another traumatic experience and people should be free to weigh up for themselves how far they are prepared for and willing to risk that.

I really think MN has went to the shitter...

So to the posters who think that it was just an unpleasant experience, what if it was your DD? Would you still think that? Would you say "oh well you were in his bed so you gave him reason"?

No don't fucking think so.

Interesting that the rape apologists are the ones quoting the law and getting it wrong - as usual. Rape is defined by lack of reasonable belief of consent. Force, threat of force etc is irrelevant because her willingness to engage in a fight is not on trial. Murder (also referred to earlier) carries a mandatory life sentence. There is no sentencing discretion except re the 'tarrif'. Lawyers among us can do this better than I can, if required.

SGB I agree (that this was attempted rape) which is why I was at pains to point out that my subsequent comments didn't relate to the OP's horrid experience.

What I was trying to address were the comments further up thread re the idea that sleeping in the same bed gives a DP "no signals whatsoever". I appreciate that this does not sit well with many but I think that is a dangerous argument that does much to negate the very sound "no means no even if you're naked pole dancing on the highstreet" argument, beacuse to me it doesn't make any sense.

I am neither an abused or subservient woman. I have a loving and equal relationship with my DH and this idea that is oft perpetuated on here that if he wakes me up by prodding his hard on in my back and groping my breasts before I am fully awake and have given my explicit consent that I have been the victim of a sexual assault (and that he is a sexual predator) appalls me.

Anyway OP my apologies OP, this is probably not the place for this debate (I just wanted to clarify what I had previously written) although I do believe it is an important one to have. I believe that you have suffered a very traumatic experience at the hands of someone you thought you could trust and you are rightly devestated. I second the suggestions that you speak with someone at rape crisis in an attempt to come to terms with your experience.

But no does mean no, even if you are dancing naked in the highstreet. There is only meaning one meaning of NO. Even if you are married NO means NO. If you said yes and then changed your mind, NO is still NO. If you had sex earlier NO means NO.

I am genuinely astonished at the posters who think it's a grey area even after she's said many times she doesn't want it.
What would a woman have to do for it not to be a grey area?

It makes men out to be so thick, as if they're unable to understand very simple clear instructions.