Something I really don't understand about affairs and sexless marriages.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

If you don't want sex with your partner, why on earth do you mind if they have sex with someone else? The idea that you are entitled to 'own' someone else's sexuality but make no use of it and prevent them from enjoying it seems so selfish.

SpringChicken you're totally right in what you are saying and unless someone has lived in a sexless relationship for years and years with no effort or explanation from their partner then quite frankly they haven't a clue how soul destroying it is.

Often in this situation the person who is being denied sex probably no longer has the self confidence to seek out another sexual relationship anyway which is probably one of the saddest things.

SnickeringFox I am in pretty much the same situation as you and the same age. It feels like the prime of my life is being stolen by my husband who for whatever reason refuses to address the problem.

Regardless of the wrongs and rights and whys and wherefores of any one couples'/person's situation, I think people need to understand that if sex comes off the menu, in most cases (as most people do need sex) then There Will Be Consequences.

Reality - of course people need to have sex . The whole bleeding reason men and women get together is to have sex...

Shocked2 and Itstime :(

I agree about normal peaks and troughs and also that a woman who has recently given birth should be able to say no to sex without worrying that her dp will run off and have sex with someone else.

In our case though I'm the one who had the bloody baby! I have neither the inclination nor time to pursue anything outside my marriage. All I want is for my dh to desire me again. The problem is that I've totally lost my oomph for sorting the situation out. Nowadays I go to kiss him, he deflects me by turning it into a joke and I just think...ok, whatever.

Lol @ Bonsoir- a breath of fresh air!

Not necessarily Bonsoir.. plenty of women get together with men just to reproduce. And I know more than one man who is in the closet but wanted the conventional thingy and is with a woman for that reason. In short, lots of couples don't have sex at the centre of their relationship and rub along just fine.

I say let's have Personals for women/men just wanting a partner for their kid-producing capabilities, team parenting in other words.

I guess I wasn't really unhappy at the time Almost. Status Quo is often not so bad. Better the life you know and all that. Even if it is very selfish. And unquestionably the first few months after my exH and I separated were very hard. But looking back now it does seem very much like that was a life half lived. I hope you find some resolution

"Regardless of the wrongs and rights and whys and wherefores of any one couples'/person's situation, I think people need to understand that if sex comes off the menu, in most cases (as most people do need sex) then There Will Be Consequences."

Absolutely. But those consequences should not IMO be seeking sexual gratification elsewhere without the consent of the *asexual" partner.

With their consent is fine and there probably is an issue surrounding pressure to be monogamous and the feeling that a relationship has failed if this is not the case. However without the consent of the partner then you should (in my view) either leave the relationship (and I fully agree that the issue, if a long term one rather than just a "trough", is a sufficiently serious one as to be adequate justification for doing so) or accept it.

I think it is interesting just how common sexless relationships are and the acknowledgement of that on this thread. It seems to be suggested on many affair threads on MN that a lot of men lie about the fact that they are not having sex with their wives but I believe that an awful lot of them are telling the truth about that too.

As strawberryjelly has suggested monogamy is not only a question of choosing sexual partner. Monogamy is about choosing who you decide to age with. Sex is fundamental, not only because it is a pleasurable thing and for many of us a physical need.

You accept to have a very special and intimate relationship with a human being who will see your body become old and who will be used to love it, to make love to it. Someone who will share his/her fluids with yours and will be familiar with the decadence of it all. This is not really an option with different partners, unless you can live with all of them on the same intimate basis.

Having said that, I am convinced I would look for other sexual partners if my partner decided not to have sex with me anymore for whatever reasons. But I cannot see my marriage surviving the scenario of a sexless relationship. It would be like having a lover without sex; the equivalent to an emotional affair plus all the responsibilities.

Perhaps people accept living in a sexless relationship and not having sex with someone else because the factor of aging together and having a companion for life is more important than other considerations.

@Sarah "Absolutely. But those consequences should not IMO be seeking sexual gratification elsewhere without the consent of the *asexual" partner."

I think once the asexual partner withdraws the sex option, they will in reality also lose the ability to decide how sex should be obtained by the partner who needs it. That person will get it, one way or another, this is a primal urge for most people, and to deny or gloss over it is being naive.

That's what I mean by consequences....

IMO of course :)

I'm really saddened by this thread.

I'm 29 yo my DH is older than me and has a medical condition that will mean he will be in a wheelchair at somepoint in the future. When we got together we talked about it and agreed that i could have a FB but after 4 years of marrage and 2 children, i dont think i could do that to my husband as i would feel that its cheating.

Whats wrong with wanking, taking resonpability for your own sex need, dvd's toys or books. Why does it have to involve another person?

What are all you people who think its ok to cheat when married going to do when you are old and gray and can't have sex anymore?

Sex is part of a relationship if it does not work and cant be fixed then you have to find a solution that suits both partners. Most of the time this will end in devoice.

another angle- i have a very close friend- known her 30 years who has not had sex with her Dh ( or anyone) for 10 years. They sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring, but that is not the reason for no sex.

They have no physical contact at all. I have often asked her how she copes with the no sex. I feel she has lost some of the best years of her life- 40-50- in a sexless marriage.

The reason they do not have sex is because they have emotional issues- they have longstanding issues of power and lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship- which have almost resulted in divorce- but have also had counselling over this for a long time.

She is actually withholding sex due to his behaviour, but also his poor and selfish sexual technique. She is pretty sure he has not had sex elsewhere and knowing him i think I'd agree.

She is adamant that she does not miss sex because she says for her it is totally tied in with emotional closeness. She cannot and would not seek a lover for simply sex. She needs an emotional bond.

I feel sad that she is looking at possibly spending her life sex free, as from the age of 42. She however is not bothered.

She has decided to stay married for lots of reasons , partly because neither wants the upheaval in their 50s.

I don't know how she feels about him looking elsewhere. If I ask her she merely shrugs and seems to think it would never happen.

I suppose what I am saying is that she is an example of someone who maybe a) has a low sex drive and b) can only enjoy sex as part of a close relationship- not just sex for sex's sake.

LittleBlueBoat - I'm very sorry about your husband but you are completely missing the point. Most people that are in the situation being discussed in this thread have a partner who will not discuss the issue or even give a real reason (or seek further help). If my partner would take the time and effort to understand and explain his reasons I might decide I can live with the situation. If it was medical I think many of us, myself included, would of course stay faithful.

But when the person who is refusing won't even discuss the issue, or make any visible effort, when they know you're in great pain because of it then I think it changes the situation greatly. A known medical, or even properly addressed psychological, issue is a very different thing to just being left out in the cold with no acknowledgement, effort or discussion. The problem is, if one partner won't make an effort to face some discomfort to help alleviate their partner's suffering - then do they really love that partner in the way they should anyway?

Littleblueboat yes you are missing the point.
Also- and at 29 you might not realsie this- older people do have sex- sometimes right up into their 80s. Actaully having sex regularly makes it more possible as you age.

This thread is not about what happens when you both age, or one person has a health issue- it's about patners who won't have sex, won't talk about the reasons why and expect the other partner to put up with it.

I have posted about this before (namechanger)

Am married to an older man, we have a fantastic life, and are mostly very happy.

His sex drive has always been lower than mine, but over the past few years it has got worse. Honestly at times I think he wouldn't be bothered if he never had sex again.

Problems are made worse by the fact he has erection problems, and therefore the times we actually do have sex it's very difficult, and usually ends up with self/mutual mastibation.

I find myself lusting after random strangers, fantisizing about proper long steamy sex sessions, as opposed to embarrassed fumbles every couple of months.

We have spoken at length about it, he is embarrassed, it's a vicious circle though? He isn't prepared to do anything about it, and each time we talk he promises to make more of an effort, but it never happens. I just want to be wanted, to make someone arroused?

The thought of being like this for another 30 years kills me, but what's worse is that I know it won't be like this, it's only going to go down hill.

It's got to a stage where I know I wouldn't feel guilty fucking someone else, but I know that if Dh found out our marriage would be over, and that's the last thing I want

soembarrassed - viagara/cials? From what I hear on the grapevine it is pretty much a requirement for men over a certain age - GP friend tells me that it is prescribed for men with erectile problems from age 30/35 onwards. I just don't understand why some of these men are so complacent - it's so selfish and there are lots of young attractive men out there who are quite keen on older women.......!

And probably don't care that much whether they are married or not either (unless the husband is 6ft 8 inches, 17 stone and a black belt in karate).

Have dipped in and out of this thread and it's sad but very interesting.
For years I had no interest in my DH sexually and did my best not to encourage him sexually. We 'did it' every 2 weeks or so with me barely engaging and refusing to kiss him.I refused to discuss it. We got on reasonably in other areas. But I had sub-consciously decided that ours was not a physical relationship and it didn't bother me.
However, I was shocked (and hurt) to the core when I discovered his affair (two years ago) at the same time he admitted to an internet affair previous to the one I had just discovered!
Now, while I am not excusing his behaviour for one moment, I do take on board that my lack of interest in him sexually contributed to his affairs.
To get to the point and cut out a lot of details, our sex life is now great ( I would say amazing but don't want to be too insensitive). And had remained so for 2 years now.

I am in a sexless marriage.
I think most people need sex (not me).
I would not be upset if DH had a FB.
But I don't love him any more -- not in that way.
If I did love him I'd probably be kinder about trying harder to persuade him to leave.

He has viagra... (actually i got it)Had it for about 6 months, never been arsed to take it

Reflection of his attitude to our relationship. Sad but true.

To put a male slant on this, I was married (first marriage) and was the one neglecting my wife in this department. I thought it was down to me having a low libido or something but came to realise after we split up that it was all about control. My wife was extremely possessive and didn't like me going out with mates etc and would make all the decisions. Pretty much I lost control of everything apart from sex. I could control this and she annoyed me that much that I just stopped 'coming up with the goods". We went to relate etc but it didnt get any better, she had an affair and left me(we are better friends now than we ever were married)

My view is that you should always look at yourself when having problems and see if it is something you are doing that could be pushing your dh or dp down the same route.

I also think for women its not lack of the physical act, it's the lack of feeling desired. This is where it becomes messy for the relationship because with this comes illicit text messaging, meetings, calls etc. It's this side of it in my view that women want. The buzz of the phone knowing that the text will be off your lover.

Men don't in general worry too much about this side ofit and this is why more men than women use escorts. No hassle, a fee paid, a good looking and often much younger women with a fabulous figure.

More men than you think use these services especially if working away/holidays with the lads. I know more than 10 friends who have done this out of a group of about 20. 80% were married. 100 % of those are still married and their wives haven't got a clue. Don't be complacent if it's you holding back!

Oh there are plenty of caseswhen the higher-libido partner has been told by the lower-libido (or seemngly lower-libido) partner what the issue is. The classic scenario is the man who does fuck all round the house and then expects his cock serviced too. In those situations, the solution is simple - the man should try listening to his partner and pulling his weight domestically before he starts suggesting an open relationship, because that will be more effective.
However, the other pont that a lot of you seem to be missing is that open relationships work just as well as closed ones. I have met (and in some cases know quite well) couples who have been married/committed for 15 or 20 years but don't like monogamy and therefore don't engage in it. Yes, sometimes open relationships go wrong but FFS so do shitloads of officially monogamous ones.

Maleview I can assure you I've spent years wondering what's wrong with me, trying to guess and changing myself to no avail and certainly no enlightenment and I bet most other people in this situation have too.

I am successfully 100% convinced of my unattractiveness at this point so no need to worry that we're all blaming our partners unequivocally.

Why is it all about attractiveness? You think you are unattractive to your partner. My wife wasn't unattractive. She was a looker. Nothing changed there. Trouble is she wanted marriage when she wanted it, kids when she wanted it, holidays where she wanted to go, couple friends who she chose! Do you get the idea?

If it's not that and you really are easy to live with, non possessive, look after yourself and are generally enthusiastic when it comes to sex then I can't understand why the dh doesn't want to have sex with you.

Just out if interest why stay? When I split from my ex i felt liberated. I don't take any shit anymore and have since married someone who doesn't try to control what i do or shape who I am.
My current wife has a pretty low sex drive and we are once a month or less but it doesn't bother me because I love every other part of our relationship.

I think if women could separate sex and feelings and see it as a physical release and nothing else then affairs would be much easier and less likely to split families up. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

My ex wife fell for the other guy hook line and sinker. She left me without a thought. He told her he adored her, loved her, she was his soul mate etc....6 months later he was still living with his wife and making excuses as to why he couldn't leave her.....when the kids are older blah blah blah. She rang his wife to tell her thinking he would come running. He never contacted her again. The lesson is men Having affairs might tell you what you want to hear but 90% of it is often bullshit.