Something I really don't understand about affairs and sexless marriages.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

If you don't want sex with your partner, why on earth do you mind if they have sex with someone else? The idea that you are entitled to 'own' someone else's sexuality but make no use of it and prevent them from enjoying it seems so selfish.

Strawberryjelly... that story about your parents..... that has really made me think. Thank you for telling me about it.

I couldn't face sex with my ex. So I left him. It's more complicated than that of course, there were many things which led to the break down of the relationship but the sex thing was the deal-breaker for me. i just didn't fancy him anymore and there was no getting that back. When we talked after we split it confirmed for me that he could totally separate sex and emotion - he would have carried on having sex with me for the rest of his life even though he knew the intimacy and affection had gone. He admitted that.

I couldn't have sex with him, I couldn't face the thought of my sex life being over at the age of 32, I couldn't face the thought of us both sleeping with other people. I knew that way would lead to all sorts of emotional upheaval and there was no way I would bring my child up in that atmosphere.

So we went our separate ways. I have a completely different relationship with my DH - and it made me realise that the sexual, intimate side of my relationship with ex had never been right. It started off as teenage lust - and once that faded we were actually sexually incompatible.

I will say though that I completely understand where SGB is coming from.

Yes, how strange, I thought that I was the only woman in the world living like this....everyone thinks that we are so "good" together....but inside I'm simply dying. I know that I need to leave, but it's not that easy. Effectively, what will happen to DH? Everyone thinks that I am SO strong. But am I? I don't know if I can face the whole bloody mess, the upheaval, just for me. Am I worth it? I have one friend who knows, she tries to make me stay. Noluck, is it worth all this just for that? And then Strawberryjelly, your parents' story, that has got me thinking.....
Then I think am I being selfish? Get over yourself woman!

i agree with OP

Noluck... I have one friend too who knows my problems and my secret life and another coincidence, she tries to make me stay too. She is very fond of my DH.. he is likeable in a certain sort of way. She would hate me leaving him... we go out as couples... but she isn't living my life is she? And when I see her and her lovely DH together, the hidden affection, the looking at each other, the squeeze of her arm etc... I am so envious.

strawberryjelly I am 38 which makes it all seem even worse.

OMG almost- only 38???!!

You need to change all of this I though you must both me much older and had decided to live with it as almost OAPs!

I know a couple who are close friends of mine and she has chosen to 'not want sex again'. They are in their thirties and he is I think quite naturally very upset about it.

She is quite adamant that separating/divorce/affairs is NOT an option for her or him and as far as sex goes she would rather 'sort herself out'.

I love them both dearly but I really feel for her DH - he is a lovely guy who loves her and his DC's but is consigned to what looks like a long period of celibacy when she has made it very clear that she has not lost her sex drive - has just lost her sex drive with him.

I hope it is a temporary measure as she would be totally distraught if he ever strayed.

I think it is hopeful that they have acknowledged it is a problem and though I was a bit that they discussed it so openly with me I take it as a good sign.

Good post SCGB it is a tricky one on so many different levels.

Strawberryjelly, I sometimes think that if I was an OAP it would be SO much easier....and then I think that at 56, how long before I AM an OAP...

at last an honest sensible thread about this subject

Well I don't think 'deciet' is so terrible when you have tried to tell someone the truth and s/he has refused to listen eg 'If we can't do soemthing about the lack of sex in our relationship I will want to seek it elsewhere' has been repeatedly met with ' DOn't do that, I love you, I will try harder' BUT the person has not tried harder at all and has in fact done nothing to address the issue. Then, if you can't/won't leave the relationship then the best solution all round is a very discreet affair.

However, I am not 'supporting' the wanting-sex partner in a situation (as sometimes gets described on here) of a woman - it usually is the woman for some reason that you can maybe all have a think about - who has gone off sex because her H does nothing WRT domestic work/childcare, expects her to service him in every way including sexually. Because usually the woman who has gone off sex because it's hard to fancy someone who is treating you like a servant has tried repeatedly to explain to the H that she would feel more affectionate if she didn't feel exploited. That's not a case of the low-libido partner sentencing the other to a life of celibacy, that's a case of the low-libido partner having actively proposed a solution which the other partner is ignoring.
Though TBH if you are living with a man who treats you like a slave, why be fussed about where else he might be sticking his dick? Just get rid of him because he's horrible anyway.

@Suncottage I always wonder what the people who make these Unilateral Declarations think the outcomes will be? For every action etc etc....

I cannot understand people who just decide that they will not be having sex with their spouse again. I had a friend whose wife was like this. They were OK until the first baby was born. After that the only time they had sex was to conceive the second one (happened first time). Then they didn't do it again. She refused to discuss it at all. He says he tried everything.

I know that some men can be fuckwits and expect a woman to service them every way including sexually, and I would not want to have sex with someone like that. But I would just divorce him. I can only assume that women who don't want the lifestyle without actually having to be intimate with the person they are married to, which is incredibly sad.

I think if you make a unilateral decision that there will be no more sex within your relationship you have to accept that the relationship may end anyway. And I think, possibly, another way of phrasing the original question would be - if you have decided that you never want to have sex with your partner again, why do you feel entitled to expect this person to remain in the relationship? If sex is unimportant to you and your relationship is about things that are More Important Than Sex, why insist your partner never has it with anyone else?

But do most people in this situation just up and decide never to have sex with their dp again? My dh has never said that. Just not tonight, not in the morning, not right now maybe later, I'm tired, I'm feeling ill ad infinitum. It is soul destroying to be repeatedly rejected.

Sorry, x posts Lenin.

There are some people who do their best to make it impossible for a partner to leave: threatening to get custody of the DC, tell everyone else what a horrible wicked person the partner is, threaten to harm themselves etc.

I don't think people decide to have no sex drive.

I also would not assume that a person wants to be told by the person they love that they don't care if they sleep with someone else.

They may not decide to have no sex drive henry but they can CHOOSE to be lazy, uncompromising and neglect their relationships. There is no question that the 2 are linked.

Totally disagree with Reality, some people in a relationship DO NEED sex.