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Original poster

Is it so bad to want more than one lover in life?

120 replies

mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 13:02

I was reading the post - has anyone had an affair and not regretted it - wanted to share where I'm at. I have a great life - I'm not trying to leave my marriage or children and have a good sex life BUT there is a part of me as I head towards 40 that wants to have another lover. Why do we have to be constrained to just one person and why is it so very bad to want more? I'm not a 'bad' person and this is the only life we have right now. Don't be cross but do share your views - do you think it would be a bad idea to ask my husband for a 'pass' for a little while - do you think human beings are genuinely capable of this kind of thing without hurting one another?

OP posts:
AnyF · 27/05/2011 13:04

would you be willing for your husband to get the same "pass" ?

or is this just for you ?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 27/05/2011 13:04

It's not bad to want things. It's only bad when you deceive other people to get them, IMO. If you want to ask your husband for a pass, go for it. But be prepared for him to say no, and/or do some life evaluation of his own.

AnyF · 27/05/2011 13:04

have you got a special someone in mind ?

noddyholder · 27/05/2011 13:05

No but don't lie and be open to the others having others and so on

AnyF · 27/05/2011 13:06

I think you completely missed the point of the other thread

Deceiving others is wrong

mutually-agreed (where there is no coercion) "rules" for a relationship are fine

Primalscream · 27/05/2011 13:07

No - I have 2

overmydeadbody · 27/05/2011 13:08

We don't have to be monogamous, so it's not bad to not want to be. I think it's only bad if you pretend to be monogamous, but in reality in our society it is expected that you are monogamous if you are with a partner... there is stigma attached to openly not being monogamous, even if you are in a relationship where both parties agree not to be exclusive, most of society doesn't understand.

I think human being are capable of holding down loving steady healthy relationships without being monogamous (a relationship requires a different kind of commitment to just sex doesn't it?) and people can and do have loving long term relationships where both parties are happy to grant each other 'passes', as you say, but they are fue and far between.

Only you know your Husband and how he would react to you asking him that, but in his shoes, would you be happy for him to be granted a pass to have sex with others too? If you would be ok with that then he just might be too, but if you would be hurt and upset by that, he probably will too.

Also, if you entered the marriage with him thinking you were monogamous, it will come as a shock to him. Better to be upfront about your sexu\l preferences from the start I think, and find someone who shares your views.

overmydeadbody · 27/05/2011 13:11

As AnyF said, decieving others is wrong.

Malificence · 27/05/2011 13:12

How have you got to almost 40 without ever discussing something like this with your husband? You must already know his views on the subject if you've been with him for years.
It's not something I would ever want in a million years but I do know my DH's views on fidelity and he knows mine because we have talked about it over the years.

If you have such a great life, why is it that you feel there is something missing that you want to do this?

buzzsore · 27/05/2011 13:16

How do you think he is likely to respond to being asked for an open relationship? Some people would react to that thinking it means you're trying to find a way out of the marriage. If he's likely to think that, you'd be best coming to the conclusion you're better off in your happy marriage even if you've never had another lover.

If it's something you think he would go for and you'd both be able to cope, well, discuss it, weigh up the risks and possible consequences. You could always try swinging as a couple if that floated your respective boats. (I am not advocating this, btw, just saying it's a possibility instead of seeking a lover for yourself).

bayley8 · 27/05/2011 13:19

Mamma, yes i think it is normal to feel like this. I have been married 8 years and have two beautiful sons, my dh is the perfect husband but i think there is something lacking, i am the type of woman who thrives on the thrill of lust, the first date the chase etc, which you no longer get after so long with a partner.

This doesn't make me a terrible person. I look after everybody in my life, i am a model home-maker, directors wife, i look nice on his arm say all the right things, nuturing and caring mother etc. I protect my secret by not pretending to be the above but embracing all the aspects of my life so my dh would never think i am seeking lust elsewhere, if you see what i mean.

I think when you have affairs and it directly impacts your family and partner then yes, it is bad, either be more clever about it or don't do it.

my father taught me the tricks of the trade and i have to say i have never felt more complete as a person, i do not love the other man, i may in the future but at the moment he is providing me with something my dh will probably never be able to again. We only have one life and as long as you are careful not to fuck it up for other people i.e getting found out, then i don't see what the problem is.

right flame me ladies!!!

handmedownqueen · 27/05/2011 13:20

I hit forty feeling like you and did the unthinkable and went to bed with someone else. It was crap. Sex is best with someone who knows you inside out. However realised I was missing the buzz of someone newof being chased of looking forward to seeing someone all day. So I took the advice oft offered on here about putting excitement back in your marriage. And it reallt worked
However it nearly broke my DH what I did. Don't recommend it for a minute. If you want to stay married improve what you have got. Or you make break it

AnnieLobeseder · 27/05/2011 13:21

You are free to have as many lovers as you like, as long as you are prepared to take on risks like STDs and pregnancy. If your DH is willing, there's no reason why you shouldn't have an open marriage. But it is NEVER acceptable to deceive your partner to get your jollies outside the marriage bed. Marriage first and foremost is about trust and respect for each other.

If you want an open marriage and your DH doesn't, then either you have to respect that and not take another lover, or respect that and break off the marriage to get what you want.

Original poster
mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 13:22

all good thoughts. yes i prob did miss the point on the other thread so apologies - that's why I started a new thread I guess. I haven't felt this way before so no I havent' yet talked about it with DH. We've been together for a long time and grown together - it really is as though a light bulb has gone off in my head. You asked if there was someone - well there's a guy who I have just for no real reason got a massive crush on Maybe it's hormones who knows? My life is amazing - which makes it all the odder. I drive through the place I live knowing how lucky I am but just feel I want the 'new' I guess. I;m being totally honest here so know it's not necessarily palatable to all - and I've not done anything so far. Guess that's why I'm interested in your views ladies - it's not the kind of thing that's easy to admit too. Its not that anything is missing - maybe I'm just greedy? And yes I would be OK for my husband to have sex with others.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 27/05/2011 13:23

bayley - perhaps your excess energy would be better spent on a job? Consider yourself flamed.

I fail to see how anyone can claim to love their partner and yet actively partake in an activity which would hurt them immeasurably if they found out.

bayley8 · 27/05/2011 13:26

annie- where is the fun in that, i'd only get fat sat behind a desk, i keep myself trim living the life i do. Flame me but maybe i just have a very male approach to life. Plus i am not about to tell my dh and there is no way he would find out unless we were caught, which we are very careful about.

I wouldn't want to hurt my dh but then i don't trust for a minute that he isn't at it either

Original poster
mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 13:29

bayley - thanks for letting me know it can work for you. I like thrills too - I also had a very high flying career which I have put on hold for the family - maybe that's what this is also about - some autonony. It's just a part of me also feels I've still got it now but in ten years that won't be the case - a bit of use it or lose it perhaps? I don't want to hurt anyone and that really is the truth. I just want a bit of 'headiness' in all this 'good life' place I'm at. It's almost as though the more smaltzy my real life the more deviant the other part of me becomes...as for swinging I has a rich twenties and have been there and done that with others - it's a bit dull actually and suburban if that makes sense?

OP posts:
ScaredOfCows · 27/05/2011 13:30

What do you think your husband's reaction would be to your request?

I think that if my husband asked me for a pass to shag someone else, I would consider our marriage to be on extremely rocky grounds. But that's is probably because I place a great value on being faithful to him, and him being faithful to me.

Malificence · 27/05/2011 13:30

If you know your husband at all, you must know how he would feel about you having sex with someone else, surely?

Do people really not ever talk about this stuff with their partners?

buzzsore · 27/05/2011 13:30

Sounds like you have a fantastic relationship there, bayley, one we should all envy. Hmm

Original poster
mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 13:31

please don't flame and be cross with each other tho - i was asking for the advice after all - x

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 27/05/2011 13:31

A male approach to life? That's pretty insulting to men who don't fuck around.

If you think your DH is at it too, why not both just be open about it?

Madness....

Zanette · 27/05/2011 13:32

Open marriage can work I guess, but how would you feel if your DH decided he wanted the same? That he was feeling a sense of frisson for someone else and went for it? You can hardly be jealous in that situation, can you.

Also think about you chose. If I've learnt nothing else here, it's that the OM man normally has a wife at home and whilst you may have reached a decision with your DH, the OM may NOT have had that same conversation with his DW.

From my point of view, yes, we'd all be a bit strange if we didn't like the idea of a new bed partner occassionally. Who doesn't like their ego massaged along with some other choice places?! But can't you re-capture that with you DH? And are you prepared for any 'fall-out' from your DH when you tell him your a bit bored of him? What if he tells you to move out?

Just some thoughts

AnnieLobeseder · 27/05/2011 13:32

I will extend my suggestion about getting a job to you too, OP. A much more productive outlet to SAHM boredom, I think.

ScaredOfCows · 27/05/2011 13:33

People always seem to think they are covering their tracks well, until they are caught.

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