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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it so bad to want more than one lover in life?

120 replies

mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 13:02

I was reading the post - has anyone had an affair and not regretted it - wanted to share where I'm at. I have a great life - I'm not trying to leave my marriage or children and have a good sex life BUT there is a part of me as I head towards 40 that wants to have another lover. Why do we have to be constrained to just one person and why is it so very bad to want more? I'm not a 'bad' person and this is the only life we have right now. Don't be cross but do share your views - do you think it would be a bad idea to ask my husband for a 'pass' for a little while - do you think human beings are genuinely capable of this kind of thing without hurting one another?

OP posts:

Primalscream · 27/05/2011 19:50

Are you ok for a quick PM?

AnyFucker · 27/05/2011 19:52

of course

AnyFucker · 27/05/2011 19:55

haven't had a pm yet, but I have a feeling I will be apologising to PS for badgering her

watch this space, lurkers

AngryFeet · 27/05/2011 19:57

I would never ever cheat on my husband nor would I have an open relationship. We made a commitment to each other and I would never jeopardise that because he is the man I want to be with until I die. However I do still find others attractive and I think that is just human nature. Every now and then I get little crushes on people or have day dreams about being with someone else. But I would never act on them and they really are few and far between but it is nice to have them sometimes. The realism is that I doubt I would ever find someone else that is as perfect for me as DH is so why ruin what we have for a brief moment of 'excitement' or 'lust'. No thanks.

Wamster · 27/05/2011 20:02

I don't know. Everybody gets bored and I can understand the desire to have sex with another besides spouse, but is it worth it if your spouse gets hurt badly? This need not be a polarising subject where people smugly say they have never felt desire for anybody besides dh, but, at the same time, it need not be about 'going for it' regardless of circumstances, either.

PercyPigPie · 27/05/2011 20:07

Bayley, I can predict so clearly what you would say about your father if asked about him. I think you need to be a bit more honest with yourself about why you are doing what you are doing.

NettleTea · 27/05/2011 20:07

I suspect OP is caught up in the infatuation stage of discovering a man that she has had a bit of a connection to, and with a 2 year old, it is coinciding with her libido beginning to resurface (despite the fantastic sex life with OH(??)) and energy levels coming back.
Give it time, and a few fantasies/daydreams and it ill probably work its way out of your system, without anyone getting hurt.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2011 20:18

I would like to apologise to PrimalScream for badgering her.

I had no right to do that, without understanding more of the situation.

pax

Coolfonz · 27/05/2011 22:17

Why is the OP asking loads of strangers whether to shag the extra guy she has a crush on? That's more weird than wanting to shag the extra guy.

superconfusedmum · 27/05/2011 22:55

Well you are a better woman than me because I would have gone spare if my fella had an affair, however the way I am feeling right now it would give me my get out a jail card free

we have discussed over the years boundaries and honesty/integrity etc yahyahyah and yet he has gone beyond the line! Not quite an affair though... more's the pity!

Original poster

mozarellamamma · 28/05/2011 09:17

thanks everyone - very enlightening. i am pondering on it - that's all. and i think it's natural to see what the collective wisdom is of other women/share experiences when you're trying to figure out things in yourself. some people have psychotherapists, others are lucky to have a close relationship to their parents (I don't sadly) and in this instance i didn't want to burden my friends who are shared with dh as it's my muddle and not his - thanks again - r x

OP posts:

ScaredOfCows · 28/05/2011 09:26

You sound more contemplative now, less decisive. I think that's a good thing. It's a huge, huge thing that you're asking your husband to consider and accept, potentially relationship breaking. You have to be sure that you and those around you can cope with the consequences of your actions before you take the lid off this particular box.

TheOriginalFAB · 28/05/2011 09:35

superconfusedmum - if you want out of the marriage - leave.

AnnieLobeseder · 28/05/2011 10:20

FAB, I was about to post the same thing. superconfusedmum, if you're not happy, why on earth are you waiting for an excuse to leave? Life is far too short to waste any time in a situation that isn't right for you. Move on and find someone who does make you happy.

tadpoles · 28/05/2011 10:32

"you didn't answer my question, PS, does your partner know you are investing so much of your emotional energy in one special person of the opposite sex ?"

Not everyone is obsessed by how much emotional energy their partner puts into other people.

Why do you care so much AF?

Also, are you serious about your partner being next to you while you are on MN? That is hilarious. Maybe you should get out and have some fun.

tadpoles · 28/05/2011 10:34

It's the MN 'thought police' brigade! You are not allowed to have emotional thoughts unless they are firmly directed at your partner! Hehe :)

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 11:21

tp...get stuffed, there's a love

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 11:23

SCM...if your husband is making you unhappy by "nearly but not quite" crossing boundaries, what on earth are you waiting around for ?

if you feel unhappy and disrespected (for whatever reason), get the hell away from him

Original poster

mozarellamamma · 28/05/2011 11:52

oh and one final thing i wanted to respond to one post - of course in my married life I've been attracted to others but it's never been a biggy - that's why i'm so floored by my current preoccupation (thinking on it I think it's linked to the age thing a bit and knowing death comes to us all and maybe you do want more experiences before popping your clogs). and whilst yes there's a bloke I quite fancy it's not about him at all - it's my surprise at my strength of feeling around the issue that's frankly doing my head in. Thanks again - I can see that for some of you you've had a hard time personally around the issue so it's big of you to share and take the time. And naturally I feel bad that some of you are in marriages that are unhappy and unfulfilling - and that makes me feel even the more selfish of course. I wish that anyone who is genuinely unhappy and unfulfilled finds a new way of living that makes them whole and content - thanks again all - Rx

OP posts:

maypole1 · 28/05/2011 11:59

as long as everyone knows the truth good luck its when one spouse is kept in the dark that makes me sick because by lieing your taking away the other persons choice to stay or leave

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