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Original poster

Is it so bad to want more than one lover in life?

120 replies

mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 13:02

I was reading the post - has anyone had an affair and not regretted it - wanted to share where I'm at. I have a great life - I'm not trying to leave my marriage or children and have a good sex life BUT there is a part of me as I head towards 40 that wants to have another lover. Why do we have to be constrained to just one person and why is it so very bad to want more? I'm not a 'bad' person and this is the only life we have right now. Don't be cross but do share your views - do you think it would be a bad idea to ask my husband for a 'pass' for a little while - do you think human beings are genuinely capable of this kind of thing without hurting one another?

OP posts:
Malificence · 27/05/2011 13:33

Bayley, your life sounds sad, shallow and empty, I feel very sorry for you if you have to get your kicks that way.
"Male" approach to life? Hmm No, just a liar's.

buzzsore · 27/05/2011 13:33

Oh I misread the OP, I thought the dh had been the only lover ever. [works on reading comprehension skills]

Original poster
mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 13:33

i think that there is the physical and the emotional. flesh is one thing but it is really only quite superfical it's not where my heart is - does that make sense to you?. i could talk about it - and we have said in the past that monogamy is a flawed idea but of course it would be difficult. i think it's natural to want more than one flavour in life...?

OP posts:
Original poster
mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 13:35

No I've had others before marriage - we've been together for 20 years with a few breaks -well we were only 20 when we met so fair enough (breaks before marriage by the way) have been married for ten. x

OP posts:
Original poster
mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 13:36

time to go my two year old is awake but I'll be back to see what your collective wisdom is saying. thanks all.

OP posts:
MarioandLuigi · 27/05/2011 13:37

Oh Bayley - I am so jealous of your figure and your life. You are so lucky.

Hmm
Zanette · 27/05/2011 13:38

Unfortunately OP quite often just a fling can easily get intense and feelings do get involved. What can start as just a bit of flesh on flesh can easily develop into something a little bit more mentally involved.

TheOriginalFAB · 27/05/2011 13:39

It isn't bad to want more lovers but is to cheat on your partner. Be open about it if you want to do it but don't be surprised if you hurt your dh irreparably.

I am wishing I had waited for my DH tbh.

Malificence · 27/05/2011 13:40

So you've been together for 20 years but did swinging in your twenties? Alrighty then Hmm

noddyholder · 27/05/2011 13:41

God I don't think you do have a very male approach at all. You have a very selfish and arrogant approach male or female. My dp would never behave like you and you are insulting decent men everywhere comparing yourself to them. You know there are other ways to keep trim than fucking around

Primalscream · 27/05/2011 13:44

Op; I completely understand what you're saying - with me it's emotional and not physical ( although it could be if I wanted it ) it's deeper than just sex - a meeting of minds and loving everything about that person - I don't think one person can fulfil your every need - it's too much to ask of anyone.

sunshineandbooks · 27/05/2011 13:46

If your H is fully aware of what you were doing and you take sensible precautions so you do not expose him to any health risks, I think it's fine. However, in reality I've seen a few 'casual flings' that turn out disastrous, because despite both parties insisting there are no strings attached, someone ends up becoming overly involved emotionally. If you and your DH are happy about having an open relationship I'd advise that you vary your lovers every time, otherwise you are actually running 2 relationships, not simply one open one with some extra-marital sex. That's when things get complicated.

Malificence · 27/05/2011 13:47

PS, I'm of the opposite opinion, if one person doesn't fulfil your every need, especially sexually, you are with the wrong person.

Perhaps I'm very lucky ( or boring, to some) , but I've never wanted sex with anyone other than my DH in 30 years together.

Primalscream · 27/05/2011 13:50

Mal - It's not just about sex

Original poster
mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 13:59

I dont want my children raised by a nanny and that would be the result of me returning to my career at this point. there is more to this than 'boredom' Anie. Why are you all feeling so cross - these are only ideas and words that we are discussing. No judgements please otherwise folk dont share

OP posts:
mrsjaja · 27/05/2011 14:03

I just think this wrong. Marriage isnt just about sex. It is about fidelity, love, support, trust, emotional and physical well-being. When you marry you commit yourself to that one person, and any children that come along. (And i dont mean that if it all goes wrong you should stick it out because you are "married")

Say your DH agreed, and your lover felt more for you than you did for him, what if he then becomes your stalker? What if he tries to force you to be with him by taking your DCs? Or hurting your DH? What if he killed your DH and your DCs? Or if he killed YOU? How would they/you feel when the shit hit the fan then?

It would destroy you, your DC's respect for you, and your hubby for agreeing in the first place at the very least.

If your sex life is that boring buy a vibrator!!!!! Dont bring someone else into the mix. Try and spice things up again with your hubby, play some games, buy some things - doesnt have to be expensive just fun!!!!!

Either put everything you have into trying to make your marriage work (no one ever says it is easy), or if that fails then walk away, play the field as much as you like then...

sunshineandbooks · 27/05/2011 14:03

I'm not sure it's a good thing to expect one person to fulfil your every need ? regardless of whether you're talking about sex, interests, emotions or an intellectual meeting of minds.

Surely we're all responsible for our own health and happiness and expecting someone else to do that for us is just asking for trouble?

No one would think OP was unreasonable if her DH didn't like swimming and so she went off with a girlfriend once a week to do swimming.

If the OP genuinely sees sex as a recreational sport devoid of emotion (other than enjoyment at the time one would hope), and her DH is happy with it, who on earth is she hurting?

Original poster
mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 14:05

Mal - i do have very great sex with my husband - he turns me on etc and he's very good. I am lucky I know (that's why I'm struggling with myself here!!). I just want 'other'. And on the swinging front - fyi - we were on an agreed break at that time and not married when I joined couples as the third party . I don't really understand why that is so shocking I was only experimenting in my twenties and it was nice at the time - just not for me now that's all. Just to get that on the record. x

OP posts:
sunshineandbooks · 27/05/2011 14:05

It's no one else's business and I'm not sure it's relevant, but FWIW I have always been faithful (hate that word but at least we all know what it means).

I couldn't personally do what the OP is suggesting because I know I really only enjoy sex when I am relaxed and at ease with the person I am having sex with, and I just wouldn't feel like that with a stranger.

MarioandLuigi · 27/05/2011 14:06

This thread is like MN relationship Bingo.

Original poster
mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 14:06

thanks sunshine - i think you get me and how I think the most here right now. x

OP posts:
Original poster
mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 14:08

how on earth did we get into killing and stalking - I'm freaked now. I have been faithful btw - why bingo?

OP posts:
MarioandLuigi · 27/05/2011 14:09

So you are equating going swimming with shagging

Confused
mrsjaja · 27/05/2011 14:09

Im sorry if that sounds really judgemental, its not meant to be. Its just my view.

My husband and i havent had "penetrative" sex (ie his dick in me - sorry for crudeness) due to health issues for more years than i care to remember, but he still is and i think always will be the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. Even though he cant do "it" any more, he is still the guy i fell in love with all those years ago, and our marriage is about more than sex.

I absolutely love and respect and desire him on so many levels, no matter what.

There are times when i literally ache to be with him that way, but i dont think he will ever be able to, but i would never ever look for sex outside my marriage.

I respect him to much.

mrsjaja · 27/05/2011 14:13

Maybe im projecting, but i know someone who had an affair, and when her hubby found out he was heartbroken but decided to forgive her, but her lover was not so easy to get rid of.

He ended up stalking them both, and threatening to kill her hubby. He actually tried to run him over, twice.....

So you see, its not always about you, but also about the people you get involved with too.

ANd i dont think swimming with a friend is quite the same thing, do you ?

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