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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it so bad to want more than one lover in life?

120 replies

mozarellamamma · 27/05/2011 13:02

I was reading the post - has anyone had an affair and not regretted it - wanted to share where I'm at. I have a great life - I'm not trying to leave my marriage or children and have a good sex life BUT there is a part of me as I head towards 40 that wants to have another lover. Why do we have to be constrained to just one person and why is it so very bad to want more? I'm not a 'bad' person and this is the only life we have right now. Don't be cross but do share your views - do you think it would be a bad idea to ask my husband for a 'pass' for a little while - do you think human beings are genuinely capable of this kind of thing without hurting one another?

OP posts:

Jemma1111 · 27/05/2011 14:21

If you want sex with other men then there is no way you love your partner

AnyF · 27/05/2011 14:33

Yep, I thought there might be a "special someone" you had your eye on

How strange that after being in a monogamous marriage with your husband for 10 years, now you suddenly want to shag others

you just want to shag that tasty man you have seen

at least be honest with yoursel, that always helps, I feel, before you start trying to get anyone else to understand where you are coming from

how does this one go ?

"Hi DH, good day at work? Is it Ok if I shag Mike, he is pretty tasty you know. Bangers and mash for dinner, by the way."

sunshineandbooks · 27/05/2011 14:47

MarioandLuigi and mrsjaja obviously to you swimming and sex are not on the same level. Neither are they to me. But it's possible for the OP that they are directly comparable. And that's only disrespectful to her DH if he feels disrespected because he doesn't feel sex and swimming are comparable either. If he genuinely feels the same as the OP I really don't see the harm. If, on the other hand, he is coerced into giving agreement, then of course that's not on.

AnnieLobeseder · 27/05/2011 14:49

I'm cross, OP, because my dad's harmless fling with his secretary lead to him eventually fucking off with her and screwing up my entire family for years afterwards. My mum, who gave up her career to follow him around the world will now struggle with a tiny pension in retirement while he's just bought two home with cash. All because he got bored with my mum and wanted some fun on the side.

But you carry on.

Heaven forbid you should worry about screwing your children up by leaving them with a loving caring nanny when you could be screwing them up by destroying your marriage.

sunshineandbooks · 27/05/2011 14:54

See Annie that's exactly what I was talking about earlier - why open relationships can only ever work if there is no emotional investment with the extra-marital sex partner. As soon as it's more than once it becomes a relationship in its own right and runs the risk of messing up the lives of everyone else involved.

An on-going affair and casual sex with multiple partners are not the same thing though I think.

AnnieLobeseder · 27/05/2011 14:54

Sorry, OP, my rage isn't directed at you (unless you do plan to cheat on your DH), it's against people who seems to think it's all fun and games to have a bit on the side when your partner doesn't know.

mimiholls · 27/05/2011 16:17

I can totally understand you wanting to get some kicks elsewhere- it doesn't mean you don't love your husband if you don't plan to do anything about it, and imo is a completely natural urge.
In theory there is nothing wrong with the idea of a marriage where both partners are having sex on the side- as long as it's all out in the open and both partners have agreed the rules. The problem is, I can't foresee a situation where this would work equally for both partners. I find it hard to believe you would be completely okay with him shagging other women- and what if it developed into more than sex for him? Same goes for you. I think it is always going to result in a huge mess and someone getting hurt.
When you get married you sacrifice your every sexual urge for something better- a deep, loving relationship with one person, being with someone who knows and loves you more than you know and love yourself, for the rest of your life. Think about what really matters to you- your husband and kids- and I think you'll realise that this is a silly fantasy. Will you really be lying on your death bed wishing you'd had sex with more men?

Primalscream · 27/05/2011 16:39

Annie - I agree - it's totally wrong to be 'playing away' behind your partners back, it's not fair on anyone and rarely ends well.
However, you can have a 'relationship' ( which doesn't have to be sexual) with another adult without it affecting your marriage - but everyone has to know what's going on.

Ormirian · 27/05/2011 16:42

"do you think human beings are genuinely capable of this kind of thing without hurting one another"

Yep I am sure some of them are. The question you need to ask is whether you and your DH are?

TheOriginalFAB · 27/05/2011 17:07

What about thinking about what it is you want and seeing if your dh is up for it. I went shopping and talked to dh about something I wanted -pretty vanilla tbh - and it is a go when we have the chance.

K999 · 27/05/2011 17:16

I love DP with all my heart and I know he feels the same about me. I could never cheat on him as I know how hurt and devastated he would be. And because I love him, I couldn't bear to ever hurt him. That's not how you behave if you are genuinely in love and care for someone.

schmarn · 27/05/2011 17:21

Unless you have a 100% open relationship (and if you are married this is unlikely) affairs ALWAYS end up hurting one person if not both. There is no such thing as a bit of fun. The thrill of an affair is hardly ever purely sexual but emotional also. The more you experience that excitement the more you want until you have to make a choice to be with one or the other.

If it's just pure physical enjoyment and a fantasy escape that you're after, I would suggest that that is what porn is for.

Primalscream · 27/05/2011 17:30

Hmm - tbh, the amount of time some people spend on here ( half their life in some cases ) - they're practically having an affair - just with 100's of strangers.

TheOriginalFAB · 27/05/2011 17:41

Ridiculous.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2011 17:44

Gosh, PS, do you speed-read much, much faster than everyone else then ?

You see, I pretty much 100% add a comment to every thread I read

you must be spending a long time reading if you notice how much time people spend on here by how much they post...

Primalscream · 27/05/2011 17:48

Quite possibly - but I'm sticking with it.
Anything that takes you 'emotionally' away from your partner and family can have a negative effect. There are people on here who admit to being addicted to MN - that's not good is it.

Primalscream · 27/05/2011 17:53

I'd rather be addicted to one special person than 1000's of strangers - that's what I'm saying here.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2011 17:53

am not sure I would compare an "addiction" to a social networking site to getting jiggy with someone other than my husband

he would agree with me, thankfully

K999 · 27/05/2011 17:54

I am addicted to lots of things. MN is the least serious of them all though....

AnyFucker · 27/05/2011 17:55

what funny, roundabout rationalisations people make

extra marital shagging versus chatting to a few like-minded peeps

TheOriginalFAB · 27/05/2011 18:02

Quite a safe addiction I think.

MN is an amazing resource and has helped me more than I could say.

Primalscream · 27/05/2011 18:02

How would you feel Anyfucker if MN was suddenly taken away from you?
Would you miss it? - do you rely on it?

K999 · 27/05/2011 18:03

AnyFucker....Ive always wanted to shag you.

K999 · 27/05/2011 18:04

If MN was taken away from me I would die...

AnyFucker · 27/05/2011 18:07

really, K999 ?

that's er, nice

if MN was taken away from me I would be pissed off for a day then get on with my life, my DH and kids would not be put through a horrendous experience

the ramifications of shagging outside of agreed boundaries discussed with your partner will last very much longer than that, and hurt countless more people

your comparison really isn't working for me

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