OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

Isn't it funny how something which was perhaps charming and eccentric suddenly becomes the most annyoying habit ever.

My DH has his own ways which generally don't bother me at all, but sometimes one of them tips me over the edge and I have a rant... or a wind up - usually to do with his car.

Its all too easy though.

Lol re socks!

Maybe is like grief, esp cos you're not seeing him at all. Though agree with others that no contact definitely still best.

This may sound wacky, but in saying a mental "goodbye" to people to whom I couldn't say it to face-to-face, have found it helpful to visualise them (in a positive way, eg doing something they enjoy), say goodbye or wave, then visualise myself walking away, or them going off into the distance. Is a bit "new agey"!

Just going through a real low about all of this so it is great to read good news. I knew our marriage was long over (it died of boredom and lack of sex), so why oh why oh why did STBXH have to start an affair?? If he had spent the effort ending our marriage properly we could have been done by now and he would be free to meet whoever he wanted. But no - all the lies, cheating and so on. I finally cracked when he lied to our 5 year old. So stuck in the middle of a nasty mess while sonny jim carries on thinking he's got one over me. Please tell me there is light at the other end.....

Oh dear Dozer, at the moment all my visualising tends to involve the following:

him making comment, asking question

me giving brilliantly executed but subtle put-down in response

him looking downcast and shocked

me flouncing off looking gorgeous

the bit i do get to do in it all is the goodbye though, so i'm part way there!

Agree, agree, agree - no contact is definitely best and made much easier since coming here to rehearse it all with you rather than him.

I, of course, have no such eccentricities to charm or annoy, except I always load the dishwasher wrongly, apparently!

samels001 I'm sorry, you ask the same questions I did (still do now but less). the good news is that it's entirely to be expected and it does get better.

I don't know why your XH did that rather than just be honest. But I wouldn't assume he's happy just because he makes a show of it, I'd bet it's bravado to cover his discomfort with what he's done.

All I can say is ask yourself if it helps you to go over and over it and ask yourself these questions. He just lied to you and chances are you'd get more lies if you asked him why instead of trying to work it out alone. Something I've had to accept is that I could have ended our marriage earlier than I did, god knows I had enough reason to but I didn't. Before I get into another relationship I will need to look at myself carefully and understand why I stayed so long despite what I knew.

I reckon it was less about love and more about loads of other stuff, not least such a long time with the same person. If you've followed my threads you'll see I get myself into a real pickle sometimes but someone always comes along and strokes me or kicks me up the bum whichever is necessary.

I'm biased of course, but I don't think marriages which end in the way yours has can do the clean break thing - it was messy before it ended because he was lying to you and you didn't know it, however, the mess is out in the open now. At least you know and can deal with it, painful though it is.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel? there has to be. And if anyone deserves it, you do.

Hello.

Back to the daily grind so just quickly want to say hi and have a good day all. Chips hope the meeting goes well.

i don't really know what to do with the hurt today, except i've accepted it's there now.
since i'm doing all the right stuff, it only leaves the emotions (only, she says!)

do you know he had even thought of 'when i (Wisey) re-marry' and what he'd want to do about the house in those circumstances?

he really, really didn't give a toss, did he? not about how it would feel to read such an idea so soon (within two weeks) of us splitting up, not anything. i'm still not there with him in that sense, the very idea that in his head i could get into a relationship with someone else and he has it all sorted and it's fine. he must have pitied or hated me so much in the end.

i just want to blot out the last 20 years i really do. fuck, and i was going to ring him only yesterday. what kind of a mug am i?

how are you an hour ahead? and no matter because it's been wine o'clock for about half an hour here.

sorry about the shit......

It isn't the happy memories that hurt, it's the bad ones. They cancel out everything good in the here and now.

I don't think I can even go there and think about our life as it was before he fell out of love and handled it so spectacularly badly.

Early, early on lots of people said use MN, friends and family to get through this. I am beginning to want to retreat. Home, work, home, work.

Up thread someone said how awful the very idea is that their ex H could be 'happy' at such a time. Yes, it's awful - there's something so unjust about that. But injustice doesn't enter into it does it? It is what it is.

And what it is is shit.

Minesa, have seen the news about E.coli. Are your kids ok?

The thing about infidelity is, IMO, you go back and ask about everything. So ok. the first OW was at the time he must have been falling out of love with me.

But what about the countless women he came into contact with over the years who thought he was Mr Wonderful? God there was one who used to phone constantly and who had to be barred from phoning our home- but why?

i could fuck my own head up with this!

Well I just hope they're ok you know, Minesa. They do that, kids, they get sick then they watch tele, play games, get hungry, want to do stuff - and then they're sick again!

German men sound nice. Must investigate suitcase situation.

Sugar hi. sorry. good to see you back.

am also waiting to hear how Chips's meeting went today. Itls not apprentice night, she must be getting every cuddle she can from cute baby boy.

All these thoughts must be really messing with your head. Looks like he has been play acting for years and has never really had a strong emotional connection with anyone other than himself. Reminds me of Annie's post way back.

Any happiness he has is skin deep because he has never let go and truly devoted himself to anyone. He wouldn't know happiness if it slapped him in the face. I am a great believer in the idea that if someone has to keep telling you how happy/wonderful/successful their lives are, it makes me suspicious. If someone is truly happy, you can see it in their face, the way they behave etc. They don't need to tell everyone because its so obvious.

I do think that this will all come back and smack him in the face in years to come. He won't realise this at the moment, but he will meet his match and by that time, any charm he might have will have withered and faded. Looks like he has drifted through life with his dick charisma at the helm and as long as its being stroked, he's happy.

You may be right about the other women but there will be many others whose wanker radar was working and who will have given him a wide berth. The only women you need to focus on are - yourself and your DD.

Hi :) It's been a mad day... but the meeting has been postponed until tomorrow night.... will be hoping it's done & dusted by 8.30 so I can get home in time for The Apprentice I love watching it with The Thread Girls - much more fun than watching it on iplayer.

Yes - squeezed lots of cuddles out of a very cute baby boy this morning :) Am having another friends baby girl tomorrow so will be exhorting lots of cuddles out of that 4 month old bundle of joy!

Retreating is my coping strategy as well, but I have to say, I don't think it's good for me/you/anyone and as much as I don't want to go out or call anyone or do anything sociable - I know I feel better when I do - I worry it's the brink of depression tbh so I try to make the effort not to do that... but it's hard.

The thing with him and the house... it doesn't mean anything, honestly. It doesn't mean he was being horrible or didn't love you or any of those things - it was simply a practical process and I doubt there would be anyone who is working out what to do about a jointly owned home who wouldn't factor in 'when they move in/marry someone else' - don't take it personally

Morning Wisey :)

It's a lovely sunny day here - hope it is where you are too!

I'm off to squeeze all the hugs out of baby girl :)

See you all later!

Wisey just a thought. You mentioned that he had sorted out in his head what would happen to the house if you re-married? I think that goes with the organised CDs and the day-labelled socks. He wasn't thinking about this emotionally, as you or I would, but in an organisational way. He is making kind of check-lists for every eventuality. I could be very wrong of course, you know him and I don't. But I have an inkling that my DH would think in a similar way - they like to put things in boxes and lists. They don't think about how someone else might feel about it!

Mind you, I'm the one who puts things in alphabetical order - you would expect that, because I'm a librarian after all!

Thank you and Hi Totally. i don't think you're wrong at all, unfortunately. that's why part of my grief feels like i became surplus to requirements, past my sell by date, if you like. the groove in my finger where my wedding ring used to be just says it all really.

i need to like me again in order not to believe that about myself, just because i've been treated like it.

I found a thursday sock in the bottom of the laundry basket last night. I bet there have been ructions with the new/old mrs purple trousers.