OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

[Wisedupwoman]

I'd say "why?"

Why all this?

[totallylost]

I think we are all screaming 'why?'

I have no answers.

But I do know exactly how you feel and if its any small comfort to know that right at this minute you are not the only person feeling like your whole life has been whipped from under you and you just want to know why.

[Wisedupwoman]

Hello.

I know. It feels dangerous. I feel like picking up the phone. I feel like saying 'surely the way things are now can't be better than the way they were?'

i don't know which would be the worse outcome. If he said 'I'm coming back' or 'I'm not coming back'.

[totallylost]

So with you on that one.

So what I do is wait, see if I still feel like that in 5 minutes, then wait see I still fell like that etc

I have done the picking up the phone but then feel so bad afterwards. Trouble is my ex will come back - just to stop me hurting - but that doesn't help.

Just take it five minutes at a time, see if it will pass, you have been in the positive place, you know what it feels like.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I hope you realise that a great deal of "the man he was" was not really anything great he was or did, it was him being there to allow you to project nice comforting things on. You've been in a long-standing habit of standing up for him, forgiving, glossing over, holding on to the positive (yes of course there were positives), fixing the love inside you at this object which was not necessarily worthy, just there. You fell into the trap that I think we all do, believing that the more you put in to a relationship the more you would get out, so you threw all of yourself into it and got back the reflection of love and companionship. You would have got as much from a teddy bear if it was your only company on a desert island. Only the teddy bear wouldn't have run off.

Basically, what I'm saying is, he seemed so lovely because he lived with you. You made him comfortable, you managed his moods, you encouraged his good behaviour, jollied him out of the bad. This is what any good adult-to-adult relationship should be like, only it should be like it on both sides, not one person all giving and the other all taking. It's quite appropriate that what you're clinging to now is a picture, because you've been clinging to an image for many years. The real person was mentally off somewhere else, planning his next shag, bullying colleagues, committing wardrobe crimes. Somehow you need to get yourself out of the habit of giving, giving, giving yourself into the black hole that forever absorbs but never gives back. Look in the mirror instead. That's where all the love comes from. And look at your lovely DCs. You gave them one-sided love for years because that's the nature of an adult-to-child relationship, but as they grow they are giving more back, bless them, returning love and support in their turn. That's what families should be like. Unfortunately one member of yours opted out of all that, because he is a selfish arse. Did I mention he doesn't deserve you?

[ChippingIn]

Annie - well said - nothing to add to that really.

AF - also well said and VERY IMPORTANT

Wisey, you can't crumble now. He isn't the man you loved anymore (if he ever was, as Annie said) - he's this new bastard who tramples all over your feelings and just wants to be in control and manipulate everything to meet his needs and sod anyone elses.

One of the saddest lessons to learn through all of this is you can't have what you want :( - the 'old' him back. You could have the guy who fucks around, who lies, who makes your DD cover up for him, who pulls your DS in different directions to manipulate you, the guy who spends family money on himself - the guy who wants his DD to go to the Academy and promises her that just to meet his needs (to have her live with him and be the hero) even though he knows he wont pay for it.... the guy who wears Purple Trousers - is he the man you want - because that's what you'd be getting... you would not be getting the man in the photo - he's long gone.

xxx

(Taxi - give us a link to your thread when you start it!! put 2x[ then copy & paste the web address then leave a space & write here and put 2x ] and we'll see you there soon - everyone needs their own special thread :))

[Alldownhillnow]

Hang on in there. Its not surprising that you are feeling like this. You gave so much to him and your relationship and all of a sudden you are having to deal with his lies, deal with the actions you have been forced to take PLUS being a single Mum to three children.

You haven't really had any time to focus on your own feelings for him; as being part of a couple and what his departure means for you about your past history. As the others have said, he has behaved abominably and its only in the past few days that you seem to be ahead of him and starting to feel that you can have a life without him.

I have no doubt that you will flourish and be happy, but its probably a scary place to be as well. Its not something you planned, its not something you have chosen so its no surprise that you ache for the carefree days when he was by your side and you were happy. There is nothing wrong in celebrating the good times, after all you have a beautiful DD together.

Having to make life changing choices in a hurry are always going to leave you feeling short-changed. You were used to having his input in decisions and you thought that he was there because he cared and wanted to be in your life. He has spectacularly blown that facade out of the water and I suspect that he doesn't even know himself what he wants. He may have just taken a chance at one moment in time and his stupidity stopped him from saying 'no'. And here he is now, claiming utter happiness while his personal and professional life is in tatters. That's a result is it? I think not. I think he comes over as a deluded prick and his midlife crisis has ended up being a destructive force for all those around him.

From that point of view, you had a lucky escape.

Thinking of you. x

[Wisedupwoman]

There won't be a phone call, not now not ever.

I do feel better now I'm not giving any more - except to some idealised memory. Doing the work of two parents whilst being on my own is tough, and I have a renewed respect for people who do this in far worse circumstances than me.

It's an irony that in these situations the only way to restore a departed H's sense of decency toward his DW is to call time on the whole thing and hold to it. At least that's how it feels to me. It's actually the only thing I've never done for me before, it feels new, it feels scary, I'm full of doubts. But it does at least offer a better kind of worse IYSWIM.

Thank you today all of you. I'm going to cook a Nigel Slater dish for me and DD later. You're all welcome to join us

[Alldownhillnow]

Its almost the opposite of what a mother/partner does - not giving. It will be a hard habit to break. Its what you teach your children by being a role model and to have to stop and go in a different direction must feel completely unnatural.

Look upon some of these down moments as part of the healing process and build on them, and what you learn from them. I guess they never really go away, but one day you will have opportunities to create new memories and they can only happen when you are no longer looking to recreate the old ones. Give yourself time and don't be hard on yourself.

Hmmm... Nigel Slater sounds good. One of my friends does a sticky chocolatey toffee thing with cornflakes of his. Its got a gazillion calories in it and tastes like heaven.

[Wisedupwoman]

I know my survival anthem:

'All cried out'. Alison Moyet. It fits perfectly now and will do in the future.

Nigel Slater's 'creamy unctuous potato gratin' with lamb chops (sorry Chips) and fresh peas. Glass of wine.
Then DVD 'The Hangover' with DD.

You're brilliant. It has passed.

[Alldownhillnow]

Mmmmm... sounds perfect for this time of year. On my way!

I'll bring the wine!

[Anniegetyourgun]

Mmm, lamb chops.

[ChippingIn]

Potato Gratin sounds good... much better than cheese on toast which is probably what I'll end up with - and some corn on the cobb :)

I have restored 'The Room' to a useable state (got to love Henry's) and it's nice to have all the doors open without the dust bowl giving out! All the stuff is back in there and I've started making the other room nice for my friend.

I have just put up a new kitchen light - the other one exploded! Everyone said 'You need to call an electrician' - pah... it's up and looks fine :) When it stops raining I can put out the bags of newpaper & plaster dust and give the washing a squeeze on my way past it it's wetter now than when it went out, but it can stay out until it's dry! It's only the dust sheets & towels I was using to keep the dust down. My neighbours probably feel sorry for using such old sheets & towels

Right - back to it!! See you later..

[Wisedupwoman]

Sorry it's raining where you are Chips, it's glorious here and very warm. Lovely.

BTW how could I have forgot to mention that, as well as purple trousers, under the hip army style boots you can find black socks with coloured toes and heels with the days of the week on.

Never, ever, wears them out of sync.

[Anniegetyourgun]

How, pray, do you know what he wears under his boots? ^^

[Wisedupwoman]

Spent many years washing and pairing them up, sometimes incorrectly!!!!!!

[Wisedupwoman]

Often, from the bedroom could be heard:

"Wisey, have you borrowed my Wednesday socks....

[Anniegetyourgun]

So he's always had sad socks, even before he got the sad trousers?

How can you take such a man seriously?!

[Wisedupwoman]

Will make sure that future specifications for potential man-in-my-life include any but socks with days of week or other such foolery.

[Wisedupwoman]

Used to laugh into my sleeve alot.

[Wisedupwoman]

Also used to deliberately mix up the carefully and painstakingly alphabetically ordered VAST, VAST CD collection!

Used to laugh up my sleeve at that one, too. It was amusing when there was nothing on the tele.

[ChippingIn]

Really - sunny & warm? It's chilly & wet here today, feels very wintery. Other than the washing being wetter than when it went out and another load in the machine (it picked up around lunchtime, thought it would be OK) I don't mind - it's cooler for getting on with the jobs and I don't feel like I'm missing out

OMG - days of the week socks that he wears all the time?! Unless DD bought them for her and would be upset if he didn't wear them - there is no excuse!

I bet pairing them up incorrectly gave you great satisfaction... LOL @ have you borrowed my Wednesday socks!! As if...

[Wisedupwoman]

DD used to snigger too.

[Alldownhillnow]

ha ha, love the low-down on his socks etc.

Does that mean you could sabotage his whole day? All power to the laundry basket!!

Perhaps he's got adventurous now and moved on to colours!

[Wisedupwoman]

Oh I could keep you amused/bemused for ages with some of his, er, 'ways'.