Found out OW got pregnant and had an abortion!

[toomanyeasterbunnies]

Not sure if I am in shock or if it just isn't a big deal after dealing with the feelings of the affair. But I've just found out that OW was pregnant (apparently she wasn't sure if it was H's or not) and then she had an abortion. My H is convinced he told me that she was pregnant but he definitely didn't tell me this and at the time said that there could have been a possibility of her being pregnant and that if she was she wouldn't have known whose it was. He certainly made no mention of an abortion. After initially getting the shakes and slamming the phone down on him I have been surprisingly calm about it all.

Should this revelation make me more angry? I'm not sure if I am just bottling it up until he gets home. Should this be making a difference? It's not like she is still pregnant but I think I am still upset by it. I don't know what to make of my own reaction to this news.

Oh tooMany :( am so sad for you but you are not grieving the loss of him, but for the future you thought you had. I really didn't plan on being a single mum to 2 by 2 dads but your little family unit will be so much stronger with him out of the equation xx

I was another one hit by the harsh side of an affair. Alone (no family, new area so few friends) with 3DC and pregnant with DC4 who was due only 50 weeks after DC3.

The temptation to let him stay was horrendous.

My situation just didn't seem possible to contend with. At the point of the affair, I was still reeling from my dad's suicide and subsequent horror of having to identify his body. The affair was then followed by a broken foot, the death of my last living relative and a serious RTA at 34 weeks pregnant.

Each of these issues seemed to keep me in a state of devastation and physical inability, needy and potentially chained to x but I fought tooth and nail to remain free of him and his endless shit.

It wasn't easy. I had no-one to turn to but him so I went solo and coped alone to the point of crawling around my home, in awful pain due to the RTA, to care for my v young DC, one an infant, whilst heavily pregnant.

Dark times but I couldn't even ask him for plain old help. Given an inch, he'd take a mile and would use any and every point of vulnerability to screw with my mind, If allowed.

A few years later and we are doing so so well without him, the children are very happy and I'm engaged to someone amazing. New home, new and beautiful life.

Give yourself the chance of a bright and positive future too, TooMany.

Bast that sounds horrendous. You poor thing. You sound like a very strong and courageous woman.

Thanks TM but as are you. I'm not sure I'm strong as such, at times I felt fairly insane!

I hope it might inspire anyone in a similar position to yours and mine past, to seek their own happiness and their own reality, regardless of how impossible and difficult that can feel. I know it can take every fibre of our being to disengage from the sheer madness of these times ...but if we can make it, the struggle is worth everything imaginable.

I understand some of the conflict you are in. I know you want to stay with your H for various reasons and you have given him every chance but the fact that he has continued to abuse your efforts by deceit over such serious factors as a possible child, quite honestly makes me so sad and furious on your behalf!

Bast but also that you are well out of that situation. It's not easy to leave, to stop the life you were so wrapped up in, to give up even.

I felt like I'd failed, didn't love him enough, wasn't enough for him etc...... because that's what he wanted me to feel.

toomany - you can get to where we and others are, you will survive and one day, if you do leave all of this behimd you, one day, you will look back and wonder what on earth you were doing staying so long in the first place.

Right now, everything seems a bit well, foggy and unclear. Your head is no doubt spinning. There is no right or wrong in this sitution, you jusy have to take each day as it comes.

But one this is certain, he will lie to you, he will get away with as much as he can until you put a stop to this.

You deserve to have respect, trust and love in a relationship. If you'd had the affair and gotten pg, how would he react?

Do you think he'd be giving you the time that you are to him?

Just a thought...............

Mouseface, I did actually ask him if the tables were turned would he stick around and he didn't answer me. He is at his mums. Although, my heart was pounding as he was walking out of the door and I wanted to shout out "No - don't go" I stuck to my guns and I did actually have this feeling of relief. I no longer have to look the man in the face that has completely betrayed me and shattered my life.

However, right now I don't know what to do. I'm not a strong person. I still love him and believe that despite these cock ups on his part he is trying to make things right. Hopefully, a few days apart will make things clearer. Or why did he have to create such an awful mess for me to deal with!

toomany - that's exactly is HE created this mess, not you. This is not your fault. No matter how much your head spins with it all, this isn't your fault.

It's not like slipped with his cock out of his pants and just happen to fall into her FFS.

He willingly had sex with her. More than once!

It's so bloody hard to seperate your head from your heart. No-one expects you tp just switch off from your feelings but maybe, with this space, you wil start to see with more clarity.

Well done for not changing your mind on him going, that must have really upset you.

No doubt you'll be thinking things like 'What if I do end it and he sleeps with other women, and not me anymore?'

'What about if I try this or that, maybe he'll stay faithful, I'll be enough then won't I?'

'Perhaps we could go on holiday and take the pressure off the relationship, come back and start again?'

toomany - you know that none of the above will ever fix this, you'll just be papering over the cracks.

This bloody structural, not cosmetic. Smiling on the outside, shattered inside

Use the next few days to think about what YOU want. Take everyone else out of the equation, even the DCs, and really think about how this will ever be the same as it was......

It won't will it?

You know why he didn't answer you about the tables being turned, it's because he'd through your sorry ass out and then tell anyone who would listen what you'd done to him.

I doubt he'd forgive and forget.

Sorry - today I am QueenOfTypos due to lack of sleep

What dittany said about the tables being turned, much better put.

Right now toomany, all you need to do is NOTHING!

Nothing at all.

Just sit and be with yourself, be without the deception, without the lies, without the fear of what the hell next am I gonna be shocked to the core over. None of that will happen.

Don't speak to him , don't call him, don't see him, for at least a week, ideally 2. It'll get easier, I promise it will. As long as you keep him and his travelling freakshow circus away from you.

He has to understand that he has burnt every bridge, he has crossed every line and screwed everything up. There is literally no reason on earth why you owe him a second more of your time.

I know it hurts, but it's a lot less painful than a life with him would be, knowing what you know about him and his jeremy kyle extras.

You say you are not strong, my love, you are about to see very soon what the rest of us can see shining brightly through in your posts, your solid strength, and immense courage. You just did what needed to be done, regardless of what happens in the future, you told him to go, and followed through.

Without doing that there was never any chance of him being shocked into realising what he has done is totally unacceptable. Your sting in the tail, that he didn't have the balls to answer, of what would HE have done if the tables were turned will be the words that are literally ringing in his ears, like tinnitus, as we speak, and for a long while yet.

You are awesome love, you did a good thing today! Well done!

(((((HUGS)))))

Thank you Herhissyness. Your words are very supportive and lovely to hear.

He assumed he was coming around tonight to put DC to bed but I told him not to and that putting DC to bed never bothered him before as he was more than willing to miss it when he was off seeing OW. He will be around on Sunday as he needs to pick DC up to take them to a barbecue (I've decided I cannot face it) so I will see him then. But I haven't told him how long I need my space for. I was hoping for another week during half term when I don't have to rush to get up and can chill with my DC. Not sure how that news will go down.

Brilliant posts by dittany and HerHissy

Yep, once YOU start calling the shots, he'll start to get rather pissed off that he can no longer get his own way, manipulate the situation to suit him.

Try not to worry about the next few days, try not to project the 'hows, whats, buts' etc.

No matter what you say, if it goes against what he would normal take for granted, he'll be arsey.

Smile and wave girl, smile and wave.

You have to put yourself and the DCs first. As you said, he's had his chance to put them to bed etc, instead he thought he'd play away from home.

His loss I'm afraid. Keep going. One step at a time when the situation arrises, but for now, enjoy your space. xx

toomany, you ROCK!! Bloody well done on the bedtime thing!

The hardest step to freedom is the first. Once you have said Er, NO, that's not how it's going to be, all you have to do is repeat. Over and over and over if that's what's needed, and if there is still hassle, just say, I've made my decision and that is it.

A small aside, there is a baby blue tit on the trailing plant outside my window, just had food and is now all puffed up and definitely asleep... His mum's faffing about the other side of the plant eating aphids (good girl!)
All together now, everyone say AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Herhissyness - AHHHHHH!

Thank you all for your very supportive words. I am feeling quite positive now. I know that this may not last long though so I may be back saying how awful I am feeling!

Dont worry if he doesn't like it he give up all right to you and his home when he went with OW.

Stick to your guns and dont give an inch. Its time to start looking after yourself right now. You need space from him and some TLC for you by you.

I agree with the do nothing - just have fun with the kids on your own. See how good it feels

Also i think you are doing great and you are brave. The first step is always the biggest after that it gets easier.

I was going to add my two penneth

Then I saw these fab people did it already

Sending you support, TMEB, and best wishes

Ok. I know some of you will be thinking why - but H is now back home with me and we want to try and work through this. I don't feel ready to give up on us just yet. But I need some more advice if you don't mind.

We've just come back from a counselling session and our counsellor has said that it really does sound like we need to work out what we need to do about the immediate practical problem about the pregnancy/abortion thing. He said that he cannot see us moving forward until these practical issues are sorted out and if we don't do anything then it could come back to bite us further down the line. So we are now in the predicament of whether H contacts OW in order to gain a bit more information about if she is still pregnant, whether she knows if it's H's and if not would she do a paternity test when it's born. H is reluctant to contact her as he has promised me that there would be no contact. I think that perhaps he should contact her but on the other hand I do worry if it will actually make me more confused as I wouldn't know what to believe. H has suggested that we ask if she could send us a scan of baby as it usually has the number of weeks on it and then we can work the dates out but I don't think that would be particularly helpful. I really don't know what to do.

What would you do?

If this were me and I were trying to make a go of my marriage then there would be no contact until after the baby is born. Then contact would be in the form of a solicitors letter requesting a paternity test.

I think if your H were to contact the OW now he may not get a straightforward answer or indeed any answer at all. This could then turn into a long drawn out process causing you more hurt and pain and not doing anything to aid the healing of your marriage. Only when the baby is born will you know for sure, once and for all, if it is your husbands child so why not save yourself a lot of extra heartache and wait until then. Meanwhile, concentrate on building a stronger relationship with your H so that when you do finally find out you are able to deal with it without it breaking you apart.

Good luck TMEB

Timeformeisfree - can we legally force her to have a paternity test ?

I think part of the reason I'd prefer to possibly find out now is that I don't know if I can carry on in this relationship knowing he has a child with her. This would always mean he has a link to her and that he would be financially providing for her baby. I know I would resent our money going out of our family to her (and his) child. If I find out now then maybe it will stop me having to repeat all this pain 9 months or even further down the line. Oh I don't know what to do.

I would decide what it would mean if she is or if she isn't pregnant with his baby - does it make any difference whether you reconcile or not? Could you cope with him paying CSA? Could you cope with him seeing the baby/child/adult? How would you feel about the baby/child/adult staying with you? Personally, I think it's better to have a very good think about these things before you know one way or the other - I think you can be more objective.

I don't think you can do anything until the baby is born really, because if the dates tie up to what you know - then he may or may not be the father, if they don't tie up you have to decide if you actually believe what he's told you about the dates or not... frankly, I wouldn't. So I don't think you have anything to gain until the baby is born and you can get a DNA test, but I would tell her now that you want this done in the hospital ASAP. I don't know what the legal position is - but surely you would be able to insist, it may mean getting a solicitor & taking it to court if she wont do it willingly.

I think if OW decides that your H is the father and involves the CSA then he can demand a paternity test, other than that I'm not sure, especially if she is claiming the child not to be his.

This is a difficult one TMEB, going on your latest post I would be doing as Chipping suggests and thinking of what you would do if this were your H's child. If, in a few months time, after investing so much emotional energy into rebuilding your relationship, what would happen if it were proved to be his? I can understand you needing to know now, so you can make the decision as to what to do but I'm not sure that it is possible.

I really feel for you on this one TMEB.