Found out OW got pregnant and had an abortion!

[toomanyeasterbunnies]

Not sure if I am in shock or if it just isn't a big deal after dealing with the feelings of the affair. But I've just found out that OW was pregnant (apparently she wasn't sure if it was H's or not) and then she had an abortion. My H is convinced he told me that she was pregnant but he definitely didn't tell me this and at the time said that there could have been a possibility of her being pregnant and that if she was she wouldn't have known whose it was. He certainly made no mention of an abortion. After initially getting the shakes and slamming the phone down on him I have been surprisingly calm about it all.

Should this revelation make me more angry? I'm not sure if I am just bottling it up until he gets home. Should this be making a difference? It's not like she is still pregnant but I think I am still upset by it. I don't know what to make of my own reaction to this news.

I feel like my world has fallen apart ... again. :( H doesn't believe her story that this is a subsequent pregnancy and he is convinced there is a 50/50 chance this baby could be his. He thinks that she is playing her ex as she now knows that my H didn't coming running to her when I found out about the affair. I don't know if I am coming or going. I am totally confused and don't know what to make of any of this. I feel completely heartbroken and exhausted.

KICK HIM OUT!! Who cares what he believes or not, its his mess to deal with. Let him get on with it. Say 'thanks for the house and kids' as you frog-march him up the path. 50/50 chance my arse - bet he knows EXACTLY what's going on!

1. Kick him out.

1. Close the door, make a cuppa, get friends round, take it easy and get that total exhaustion under a bit more control.

1. Stop listening to a word that comes out of his mouth. You can rest assured he knows more than he's telling you, so just switch off to it. The truth won't come from him, but from a paternity test. So - the best way to deal with the terrible confusion that you have at the moment is to tell yourself that you can't and won't know anything until then. Park it and concentrate on what you want to do yourself as regards him - taking as read that he has either fathered or has put himself in a position where he could have fathered a child with another woman - and lied to you about it. From the point of view of how you move on now, the two things are the same.

If it turns out the child is his, worry about it later. Or - kick him out of your lives and let HIM worry about it :)

Just get shot of him and his bleating on about 'what's going on' - it's just an irritation you don't need, and has no value whatsoever.

Can you talk to people in RL and get some support right now?

I thought he was picking up the keys to his mums house? Is he still hanging around?

He will be gone tonight. He had to do some stuff for work (that I made him do last night as I said he wasn't going to dump it on me). He understands that I need my space so will be going there straight from work tonight.

He has some sort of app on his mobile that marks his location on Facebook and has told me that he will do this whenever I want him to. He has told me that he will not be contacting OW although she has asked him to. He claims that there is no more to come out and that this is it. He says that it doesn't matter what he says any more as he knows I don't believe him so he said he will just have to prove himself from his actions going forward.

Oh really... So he thinks that will be enough then, does he? In other words, he actually thinks that at some level what he's DONE - i.e. lying to you all along about this VITAL part of the situation - is ok.

What on earth?!

Does he not realise that he HAS proved himself, by the actions he's just TAKEN? He has shown that his choice, when you were trying to work things out, was to continue to lie and lie. It's also now revealed that when he WAS having the affair, he thought so little of you as to have unprotected sex - putting your health at risk and running the risk of pregnancy. Which looks as if it has happened.

What an entitled little shit. The sheer assumption that ok, you don't believe in him now so he'll accept that he has to do a bit more 'proving' before he gets his feet back under the table. How patronising. Err, no. You ARE a shit. You can't UNPROVE it.

OP, do your metal health a big favour and point out to him that you now have the measure of him, thanks. He can just bin the effort of 'proving himself' - you have seen and heard enough to make an informed decision already. And ask him to make that move permanent.

Ii think he has proved himself with his actions already!

Bless him eh?

He is shitting his nappy that he has lost you. He will contact the other woman again, you can bet money on it. Especially if you really do make him go tonight.

I hope you do,I really do.But I have my doubts.

Sending you the strength to do it. x You are worth so much more, keep telling yourself that.

The pregnancy issue - if she is 9.5 weeks now, she would have conceived on or around 1 April, therefore if her gestational age is correct, and your H didn't have sex with her after 20 February, the baby couldn't possibly be his. She also could have had a termination in February and conceived late March/early April.

Not sure, in this case, why your H would consider that the pregnancy would be anything to do with him (even supposing there is a pregnancy).

However, this issue really isn't to do with the pregnancy, it is to do with regaining trust in your H's word, rebuilding your relationship etc etc. As others have said, if the trust and relationship is beyond rebuilding, then the relationship is beyond saving.

You are still too involved in this drama of his own making

why are you even listening to the machinations of his feeble mind ? Why does he feel it appropriate to keep feeding you these bits of information about the whole sorry business

the baby could be his

so what ?

the damage to you has already been done

the shit-tip he has made of his life is for him to cope with, you getting involved in the "is it/isn't it" is providing him with the gift of your headspace and support that he no longer deserves

throw him out

Or there is the other hypothesis, that she LIED about the alleged first pregnancy/termination....

Agree with AF, it's too horrific to remain a part of, so many lines have been crossed, for anyone, to continue even only a dialogue with these supposed people is just going to hurt more and more, leave them all to sort themselves out.

I should never have contacted her ex. It was totally stupid of me. He's sent my H a message saying that because of us the OW is now going terminate this pregnancy and kill his baby.

I am not going to look at H's facebook account any more and I am not going to repsond to that, although I do feel very sorry for him and that he was better off not knowing. :(

Yeah right........

Talk about a guilt trip to make you feel bad. There probably never was a baby.

If there is and the baby is her ex's then why have a termination? A DNA test when it is born would prove it is his.

The only reason for her to be threatening to terminate is because there is a good chance it is not the ex's and now that you have outed the lies about terminations etc he is questioning if it is his or your H's.

If it is your H's the ex deserves to know.

If it is your H's, your H deserves to know.

Either that or she never was and isn't pregnant and is messing with your head because you didn't dump H or he didn't dump you to go to her.........

Stop interacting with any of these people you will get no peace and you really really don't need all this bullshit.

I don't think your rollercoaster will be over until she gives birth if pregnant in 5, 6 or 7 months time but you can stand back from it all and leave it to your H to deal with.

Block them from your phone and FB. Don't look at it any more.

The only person you need to talk to is your H when you have decided what you want for the future.

and tell H you don't want to hear any more until this is resolved with no baby or a DNA test.

Why should he get to offload his misery of his making on to you and make you feel bad for something that is not your fault at all

Walk away, please, for the love of god, walk away, block everyone on FB, change your numbers and just get on with your life.

These people, all of them, are FREAKS. Leave em to it.

She's a bit of a nutjob, isn't she?

As others have said, stop torturing yourself, walk away. You're better than this.

You are not at fault

OW's partner (x or not) is understandably upset and is lashing out but you are not to blame. The situation OW has placed him in is. Your H's relentless deceit is. You are not wrong for seeking the truth but you do owe someone something!

You. You owe yourself release from this misery. Please, please detach yourself from this madness and the instigators of it. Did you ask for this? Want this? Need this? No.

Please go to see your GP and/ arrange counselling. You've taken blow after blow to heart and mind and I urge you to seek help in protecting your sanity and emotional welfare while those around you seek to abuse it.

Please x

toomany - I have read this thread and have sat here nodding. I left a very abusive, violent and hostile relationship 7 years ago.

The day that I went back to pick up some of DD's toys, my XP sat at the kitchen table sobbing. Breaking his heart.

I asked him what was wrong without a shred of emotion in my voice. He told me 'I'd find out soon enough'

Turned out, he'd got the latest OW pregnant. She refused to terminate and swore that she would make him pay for the up keep of his child.

Now, even though I'd left (following a beating from him) and I'd started the grieving process, for all that he put me through, I felt a tiny bit more hurt because he forced me to terminate our child the Christmas before.

He threatened to kick the baby out of me if I didn't get rid of it. I was so under his control and so believed that he would do it, I went along with his wishes.

I sobbed for days, it was 27th of December, I was 8 weeks pg and it should have been a happy time. Instead I was racked with guilt and living a nightmare. He even told me he was annoyed that I hadn't 'thanked him' for paying for the termination.

Sweetheart, you are better out of this. There is no reason to stay. Not with this man. Not like this. The children will survive, you will survive. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this but he is a liar, a cheat and a terrible man.

You don't deserve this. You can't trust a word he says. He has an excuse for everything.

(((((HUGS))))) to you mousey, every time I hear your story it breaks my heart!

Oh Mouseface. That is so :( I hope you are OK now.

The one thing I didn't plan on in life is being a single mum with 3 kids. :( I really really thought my H was a good, decent man.

toomany - Of course, how were you to know? It's not what you planned, who does? But trust me when I tell you that it's not as bad as some people make it out to be. I was on my own with DD for 5 years before I met my DH.

We ended up in a hostel the day I left and stayed there for 3 months until we were housed. I never in a million years thought that I would be that person. Never. I'd been through it as a child and swore I'd do better. Thing is, sometimes, it's not within your control. You have to do what is best for yourself and for your children.

But I honestly believe that going through all that, surviving all that pain and upset has made me who I am today.

DD and I are so close. She knows why it was just us, she asks me about the times we were with him and she understands why we left. She's 12 now. I'm happily married and we have an adorable DS.

Life goes on sweets. It is what ever you make it. But YOU have to make it. You have to decide what is or is not acceptable behaviour.

And, from what I have read, this is far from what is acceptable for you and your children.

Take the steps towards a better life, however you do it, you need to start sooner rather than later.

Your life as you knew if when you married your husband has changed. I'm not sure if it could ever been the same again, even if you did stay together. It's going to be hard, which ever way you turn.

Lean on your friends and family, let it all out here. Talk to us, tell us how you are feeling. That alone will change hourly from wanting to make a go of it so 'she' doesn't win, to wanting him to burn in hell. Twice!

Look after yourself. Look after your heart.

Oh Mouse you are sooo right :) I am 18 months out and my life even on the bad days is NEVER as bad as living in constant fear and with someone who didn't seem to know the difference between truth and his lies. Thank you for sharing your story, it gives me hope the future will be even better!!