Found out OW got pregnant and had an abortion!

[toomanyeasterbunnies]

Not sure if I am in shock or if it just isn't a big deal after dealing with the feelings of the affair. But I've just found out that OW was pregnant (apparently she wasn't sure if it was H's or not) and then she had an abortion. My H is convinced he told me that she was pregnant but he definitely didn't tell me this and at the time said that there could have been a possibility of her being pregnant and that if she was she wouldn't have known whose it was. He certainly made no mention of an abortion. After initially getting the shakes and slamming the phone down on him I have been surprisingly calm about it all.

Should this revelation make me more angry? I'm not sure if I am just bottling it up until he gets home. Should this be making a difference? It's not like she is still pregnant but I think I am still upset by it. I don't know what to make of my own reaction to this news.

He texted this to you rather than telling you to your face? Well, that's not surprising considering he's also lied to your face more than once.

Yep, you need some space.

This I could not forgive.

I also agree that he is probably lying when he says that OW would not be sure whose it was.

Who the fuck does he think he is to be going around potentially providing YOUR kids with siblings when he is supposed to be in a committed relationship with YOU?

I understand you want to keep your family together but how can you do that with someone who could have unilaterally added to it any old time because of his careless, cruel behaviour? for you.

dittany I found out about the affair when he turned around and said he wasn't in love with me any more. I posted under a different name and so many ladies were saying that he was having an affair that I checked his phone bill and hey presto!

I've just texted OW to ask her if H was the father. Not sure if I'll get an answer. I'm starting to feel sick now. Perhaps I was in shock earlier.

He hasn't even got the decency to tell you to your face. A text ffs .

What a total bastard.

This has to be the last straw OP, this is unforgivable, surely. Please don't allow this kind of lack of respect for you to continue. Please salvage some dignity and tell him he leaves tonight.

I would be very surprised if you weren't in shock. You poor love (((HUG)))

I would ask him to leave/stay somewhere else for a month or two and start again.

You need complete openness to move forward and you need to know that he is with you because he wants to be. I would not let him call the shots and you need to know you can cope with out him.

The space will help you sort out what you want and how you feel about him.

Good luck for the future, please be brave and strong and put yourself first.

(((Hugs)))

OW has told me that the last time they had sex was months before the pregnancy thing and it was her ex's. Why would he tell me there was a possibility of it being his? He is being completely dishonest with me and I've had enough. Why would he tell me that? I'm so confused.

It sounds as if he just wants to hurt you.

I would ask him to leave.

toomany, I am so sorry. I honestly think you HAVE to take some time out from this to work through it all. First step would be to ask him to move out -otherwise you run the risk of saying things you don't mean at this stage as you most certainly are in shock. You owe it to yourself to have time to think - right now you are being forced to simply react rather than to act (if that makes sense)

It sounds like there are so many lies. Is there any way you could imagine moving on from this man? He sounds so horrible, TBH.

You can let this useless fuck go now

he has given you the ideal opportunity to just cut loose, no regrets

look up gaslighting

he "swears he told you about the pg" ??

what a fucking liar, and trying to make you doubt your own memory

like you would "forget" a trifling detail like that

dump

Yes, gaslighting - here a complete coward's tactic to try and get a bit of very unsavoury news past you with minimal impact.

'Oh! But I told you about it at the time (translation: you've had your chance to say your piece about this so you can't get all angry with me now')

Laughable that he thought he'd get that past you - hmm, thick as well as a cheating liar, what a catch - laughable that it would be AT ALL possible that you would just 'forget'.

Now, I think we can say with certainty that, given the lengths he's gone to to lie and lie and lie about this one, and try and gaslight his way out of being held to account for either the pregnancy OR carrying on lying when you're supposed to be trying to work things out - that if what OW says is true and it could never have been his there's no way he'd have breathed a word.

So she's lying about that one - fine, what else can you expect - no problem there :)

Facts appear to be that far from trying honestly to rebuild things and be honest with you and RESPECT your right to know the score if you're going to re-commit to him and the relationship - he's continued lying all the way through, continued being a cheating coward whose main concern is what he can get away with. So he hasn't changed, he's still a scumbag, and is quite categorically not worth the shit on your shoe.

So I would give myself the satisfaction of comprehensively dumping him asap - clothes in bin bags, OUT.

You deserve a lot better :)

Even setting aside the affair, he has been lying, alluding to OW's pregnancy and his paternity by text, then gaslighting you when you were understandably shocked. Unacceptable.

Really sorry OP.

What Dittany said.

Do not believe a word this man says. And get the fuck out of Dodge City. Don't contact the other woman again. She may be no saint, but the only sinner in all of this is your husband. You need to accept that.

So why tell you now, and by text . Sorry, this smacks of something(or someone) else forcing his hand and probably more to come . He's drip feeding you details so clearly doesn't feel the need, or perhaps want, to draw a firm line under his affair. Good luck

This is weird, and he's still lying. Don't have the rest of his psychodrama playing out in your home, on your time.

It's time for him to go. The supposedly open conversations were a lie, and now he's playing some kind of game.

Let him play it. Away from you and the children.

And the OW is a "sinner" too. She's as trustworthy as he is i.e. not remotely.

Toomanyeasterbunnies having seen your other threads, I'm sorry that the shocks keep coming so rapidly, but I agree with what everyone else is saying.
Once someone starts messing with your mind and causing you to doubt yourself, it really is time to call it a day for the sake of your own mental health.

How did this even come up in text message to you? I can't see how he would just mention in in a casual text.

"Am in shops, do u need anything? Had text from OW, abortion all done. Home at 6 xxx"

He knew damn well he hadn't told you, and he told you by text so you didn't punch him.

WWIFN - glad you're back!

As I said he sent the text as he was convinced he had told me. He had told his mum so I don't know if he was confusing the conversation he had with her with the conversation he had with me? I really don't know. He definitely told his mum though as he called her last night and spoke about it. She said something along the lines of that perhaps I was in shock and didn't hear what he had said properly. He did jump to my defence though and said that he just didn't communicate it properly.

He sent the text as I had mentioned the night before that things changed in his relationship with her in February (last time he saw her). Yesterday, he sent me the text saying that in Feb she started asking more direct about our relationship and this was because she knew she was pregnant. He couldn't give her a straight answer so she took any decision away from him and had the abortion. He is mortified as he thought I already knew.

I'm totally confused. At first I told him to go and he said he would if that's what I want but I really don't know what I want anymore. I am very confused. Her account of the pregnancy thing doesn't match his and I don't know who to believe. H is obviously saying that he is telling me the truth and that everytime he saw her they had sex and she is saying this isn't the case. He doesn't know why she would be lying. argh!!!!

Do you really really think he would have 'forgotten' whether he had told you or his mum about the abortion??? Really??? Do you really think he would have made that mistake??? Surely you are not as crazy as he is trying to make you. Send him away while you think about what you want to do.

Personally, I think the child was likely to be his, the OW was trying to cover for him when she told you it wasn't. But to be honest, it doesn't make any difference, it doesn't change the facts of what has happened - we all know pregnancy is a side-effect of having sex with someone. This is all just clouding the issue. He has cheated and lied - you need some time to think about what you want to do next for you and your children.

teebee - I think you maybe right that OW was trying to protect H. He did say that the day after I found out aboubt the affair he had spoken to her. Yesterday, he said that during that conversation he had told her that if I should contact her she could tell me about anything apart from the pregnancy. But surely she would have gathered that he had told me about the pregnancy since I was asking? But now I am worrying whether she has actually had an abortion. He never saw her since February and only has her word for it that she had a termination. He mentioned yesterday that she had fertility concerns because of cancer treatment. Oh god - what if she has a child by him. :(

I feel like I'm living a nightmare!

As I recall from other threads, this issue about pregnancy did come up in other conversations, but mainly in reference to the OW's need to protect against the pregnancy hormones and the effect they might have on her illness.

I've got no doubt he knows he didn't tell you. But I've noticed that sometimes what happens is that an issue gets raised (e.g. a potential pregnancy in this case) as a means of testing the water and judging a betrayed partner's response to it. I've got no doubt that you would recall a revelation like this and that he would recall telling you. Try to stop doubting your memory, because you need to trust yourself at a time when you cannot trust others.

When you are hearing conflicting accounts from the OW and your H, it makes it very difficult to know who to believe, because both parties can have their own agendas. Your H has always wanted you to believe that this was a sex-only affair and his publicly callous treatment of the OW on discovery and his need to besmirch her sexual morals, seemed to lend weight to that. But as I observed before, it would have been unwise to take any comfort from a man who can treat another woman this brutally.

But the evidence never really stacked up, did it? This all started when he chanted the familiar script of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" - which however transient and temporary his feelings might have been, normally points to a belief that he felt strongly for someone else. I think I once said to you on one of your other threads - what did he expect to happen, had discovery not occurred? How did he expect you to continue in a marriage after hearing those bombshell words?

You really might find it helpful to get yourself some space and I would think about the benefit of talking to someone who knows you both and will have your best interests at heart. I'd also recommend seeing if you can discuss these issues with a therapist, so that you have all the bases covered; someone helping you with no vested interests in you parting or staying together - and someone who will tell you the truth as they see it, based on their knowledge of you both.

Op, he is a liar, he isn't the man you thought he was. He also isn't likely to stop being a liar, it's who they are. How dare he tell you that you knew about the pregnancy! The depths someone will sink to save their own skin, and it is about saving himself, it's not about trying to earn back your trust or love.

Oh please rally your rl support and kick this cunt to the kerb. He is drip feeding you info and if this is the run-in just imagine what the punchline is going to be!

This is a nightmare but by being passive and trying to work out what he and ow are up to will drive you mad. Get yourself some space because there are definitely more dreadful revelations to come.

Things cannot get any worse. I don't know why I did it but I contacted OW ex boyfriend. She is still pregnant! I'm numb. He says it's his and she says it's his but I don't know. Something in my gut is telling me is my H's. H response was "Oh". :(

I don't know what to do. :(