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Original poster

Found out OW got pregnant and had an abortion!

128 replies

toomanyeasterbunnies · 24/05/2011 15:10

Not sure if I am in shock or if it just isn't a big deal after dealing with the feelings of the affair. But I've just found out that OW was pregnant (apparently she wasn't sure if it was H's or not) and then she had an abortion. My H is convinced he told me that she was pregnant but he definitely didn't tell me this and at the time said that there could have been a possibility of her being pregnant and that if she was she wouldn't have known whose it was. He certainly made no mention of an abortion. After initially getting the shakes and slamming the phone down on him I have been surprisingly calm about it all.

Should this revelation make me more angry? I'm not sure if I am just bottling it up until he gets home. Should this be making a difference? It's not like she is still pregnant but I think I am still upset by it. I don't know what to make of my own reaction to this news. Confused

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 25/05/2011 16:55

OK, you do nothing. Not right now.

You sit, you try to relax and distance yourself from this mess all these other people have created.

THEN, you calmly tell your H to pack a few bags and go. Today.

You need quiet time to lick your wounds, to calm yourself and work out what you want.

What is clear is that you want nothing to do with the OW, her X or your H anymore.

Let them sort themselves out in their pitiful soap opera of a life.... well, actually, it's more Jeremy kyle...

Leave them to it. disengage totally and start getting on with your life. Don't stop to ask for explanations, excuses, apologies etc, the time for all of these is gone. You wouldn't get the truth now anyway.

MotherPanda · 25/05/2011 17:02

I was just skimming to the end of this post to say "how do you know she isn't still pregnant?" when i saw your last post.

You cant know if its H's or not.

He's not going to tell you, neither is she.

Why would she tell him that she had had an abortion unless it was his?

Oh dear oh dear. He doesnt really sound like a very good husband.

as Herhissyness said, I think you should tell him to pack a bag and go. I have a feeling that there are too many lies floating around for you to possibly be able to have an adult conversation with him about this. He will carry on telling lies.

Sorry xx

pinkytheshrinky · 25/05/2011 17:11

Oh God poor you what a sorry situation. Ask him to leave and call your friends/family and have a good hug and a cry. There is nothing to be done about the horrible mess they have got themselves into so just do some damage limitation and take care of yourself and your children. I do feel if he wanted to make amends after being caught he would have come clean as you gave him the opportunity but he has slipped around lying more and more and trying to convince you that your memory/state of mind is the problem.

I know it matters whether this child is his or not but the real problem is the deception and that is a closed case. Please pack a bag and lock the door.

Xales · 25/05/2011 17:13

There would be no need for her to be discussing a pregnancy and abortion with your H unless there was a chance it was

a. his

or

b. she is a psycho who was laying it on that it was his and there was in his mind a chance it was due to timings etc.

Hope that makes sense.

Ask him to leave temporarily for you to have some space to grieve and get your head around this.

Be prepared that it may be his Sad

Decide what good this man brings to your life and if that outweighs the bad. Then decide what you want from the future and go for it.

Thinking of you.

AnyFucker · 25/05/2011 17:38

another lie

how many more ?

RunAwayWife · 25/05/2011 17:50

Do what the other woman did and get rid

Bucharest · 25/05/2011 17:55

Stop contacting these people.

I know it's hard, but you need to retain your dignity. The more you crumble and ring these people up, the further you slip.

Put the other woman, her ex/partner whatever he is out of your mind. Your head needs to deal with your husband and only him for now.

Sorry for you.

AnyFucker · 25/05/2011 17:59

bucharest, although I agree with you, the OP tried to deal only with her husband and just got a shedload of lies and gaslighting for her trouble

relying on her deceitful husband to tell her the truth seems like the biggest mistake she could make, tbh

keeping her dignity in this scenario seems more like stamping "mug" on her forehead

Bucharest · 25/05/2011 18:17

True enough.

Is anyone in this mess likely to tell her the truth though? Aren't things so fucked up that even if someone does tell her, she won't know any longer what to believe? So she'll end up believing him....

I suppose that's his aim. Sad

Original poster
toomanyeasterbunnies · 25/05/2011 18:44

I should not have contacted OW ex. All I've done is hurt him. OW has sent a text to my H saying that this baby is her ex's and she fell pregnant after she had the other abortion. Hmm

Your right buchrest. I have no idea who is lying and who isn't. I'm just a mess. He is leaving tonight he's gone to fetch the keys to his mums. (she's not there). I now feel terribly guilty that i've dragged this poor boy into this. He's only 20. :( :( He's demanding a paternity test once the baby is born. Oh c**p - if he's the dad then I have just caused him unnecessary torment. I feel terrible.

I'm now going to take your advice and not contact any of these people any more. I need some space (and a hug). What an awful mess. :( :(

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 25/05/2011 18:48

The OW mess of a life is nothing to do with you. Had she and your H not shagged, there would be no hurt. Don't you dare feel guilty.

AnyFucker · 25/05/2011 19:09

buch, the sensible thing in this sorry mess is to believe yourself

that you don't and cannot trust him

that him and the bit-part players in the drama of his fucking deceitful life have no part in yours and to dump the whole sorry lot of them

while Op strives to understand and find the truth though, she remains as much of a bit-part in the story of him as much as everybody else Sad

Clytaemnestra · 25/05/2011 19:09

You've done the right thing telling her partner. Because if that isn't his child he needs to know, or it'll end up being a whole world of hurt later on. A million times worse than now. And being brutal, you and your H need to know as well, because imagine if you patch things up with your H and then a few years later she decides that it is his after all.

Did he say how far along she is? That would be your definitive answer as long as you can guarantee they haven't done anything since Feb. Because if she had an abortion in Feb, it's only end of May now, she can only be 8 weeks or so at most.

AnyFucker · 25/05/2011 19:10

< adds a mahoosive hug for OP to my last hard-to-read post >

LIZS · 25/05/2011 19:12

Agree with herhissyness , don't feel guilty for the actions (and consequences thereof) of your h and ow . Your h has to come clean now or you will never be able to rebuild trust, even assuming that is what you want .

Bucharest · 25/05/2011 19:39

Logging off now, but have a hug from me too. (())

Xales · 25/05/2011 19:55

Toomany you didn't hurt her boyfriend. SHE DID.

A DNA test will tell. Your H should insist on this for the child and his other children if you have any.

Time unfortunately may not tell if your H and OW both lie about when they last had sex Confused

You cannot trust anything the OW says. She was happy to shag a married man and others if there is more than one potential father.

You cannot trust your H he is still lying through his teeth.

Look after yourself as best you can that gut feeling is normally right Sad

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/05/2011 20:24

Another way of looking at this is that the boyfriend has a right to know, so don't waste energy feeling guilt about this. I completely understand your need to talk to someone - anyone - who would for once give you some truth.

I'm glad you're going to have some space. Please think about sharing this with someone in RL - and about getting some counselling.

I really feel for you. This has been an absolute nightmare for you and one shock after another. It won't always be like this, whatever you decide to do going forward. I recall that you said you were a very private person, but you really would benefit from off-loading this on to someone, who will give you a big hug and let you wail and sob. Don't be on your own with this. Sad

ChippingIn · 25/05/2011 20:42

:( Sorry to hear you still don't have the truth about this whole sorry mess.

((HUGS))

Original poster
toomanyeasterbunnies · 25/05/2011 21:35

Her ex said that she was 9.5 weeks gone. My H had sex with her around 20th Feb so the dates are a couple of weeks out. That's if her dates are accurate.

I don't believe the story that this is a subsequent pregnancy. The couple of texts she has sent H do say I don't know what you've been telling your wife, blah, blah, blah so I've no idea what has been going on and what to think.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/05/2011 21:41

she is lying to everybody

your H is lying to everybody

the victims here are you, OW's partner and this poor unborn child

walk away, seriously

you need no part of this

dittany · 25/05/2011 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jemma1111 · 25/05/2011 23:24

Your partner is an absolute 24 carat lowlife bastard, send him on his way with a toe up his sorry arse.

You and your kids deserve a million times better than this.

MotherPanda · 26/05/2011 09:51

From what you have just said, I don't believe the dates - only a couple of weeks out? You've got to remember that sperm can live for a few days so the actual conception might not have happened till half a week later...

And does that mean she had an abortion when she was between 1 and 2 weeks pregnant? Because nobody can know that soon.

I'm very anti abortion (but thats another post) - but would anybody really want to have sex straight after one?

Thats very quick to find a new partner, in any case - and either decide to ttc or to get into bed?

It all stinks of lies. Glad he's gone to stay at his mums. I would say to him not to contact you untill he wants to tell the truth, or untill the baby is born and the paternity test is done - if you want to speak to him ever again that is.

I'm so sorry about this, I hope you can have a fantastic life without him.

ShoutyHamster · 26/05/2011 09:59

As MotherPanda said. There is no way that there is room for a termination and another announced pregnancy within this timeframe.

I am so sorry, but I am also SO GLAD that you know what he's actually capable of and the lies that have been told - so glad that you're no longer in the dark.

Also:
'I would say to him not to contact you untill he wants to tell the truth, or untill the baby is born and the paternity test is done - if you want to speak to him ever again that is.'

Absolutely!

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