Okay so I know this thread is old, but I was researching a woman's perspective on this issue and I'm honestly a little shocked at the hostility I have come across.
Now that being said I believe the hostility is somewhat warranted based on the description of the way the OP felt about her husbands advances, but I feel like we all need to be careful about falling in to a double standard here.
What I am saying is as a man, I am told by society that I am simple and clueless and I need to try to understand a woman's view. I do try very hard to do so, but I often feel as if my feelings and needs are over simplified.
A little background on me. I am a 33 year old man. I have been married to my wife for 7 years and we have been dating for 12. We have two beautiful children together. We are best of friends and for the most part our life is amazing. However, our sex life at times has been BEYOND FRUSTERATING for me.
For years I put this on the back burner. I do have a high sex drive, but sex is only one aspect of a healthy relationship. As time went on, I realized it is a crucial aspect of a relationship. One that can not be ignored.
Now fast forwarding to the peak of my frustration, my moods and behaviors would swing wildly with my wife. I would go from compassionate to cold and distant; from a hopeless romantic to an angry antisocial jerk. To be clear I didn't like the way I was feeling and sometimes acting when I was at my worst, but we all know how our emotions can get the best of us. Honestly anytime I looked at my wife I was reminded of this unfulfilled desire and all the rejection to go along with it. Sex for men is more than just pleasure. Sex is an expression of love between two people.
Often times I would become emotionally indifferent and reclusive. My wife would attempt to have a conversation with me and I really didn't care about whatever subject she was talking about. In my mind I was saying, "how do you not see there is a bigger issue here? How do you not see that I am unhappy?" Other times I would snip and pick at little things. This was becuase I was becoming resentful. I was expecting her to somehow know what I wanted.
Now this all came after numerous sexual advances, attempts to initiate intimacy which were met with rejection and the same indifference which I would later show that can so easily drive a wedge in a relationship. After every excuse, "I'm tired, I don't feel well, I'm too hungry, I'm too full," I finally began to give up. I had no energy left to give to this woman who obviously had no interest in me. I felt the cold stinging rejection too many times and it struck at the very pillars of my manhood.
Now some of you are probably thinking, "why didn't you just tell her how you felt?" Well eventually I did, but that is a hard pill to swallow since for a man being wanted sexually makes you feel appreciated, and asking let alone begging for sex is just humiliating. So communicating this problem is difficult because we all want to be the brad pit and not the goober. It hurts the ego and a man's ego can be fragile whether he likes it or not.
Throughout my marriage, there have been times that women have made advances. Some were subtle and some not so. Of course I made light of these advances and turned them down. Most of these took places in bars, or parties. The reason I bring this up is, my mind went to a very resentful place. I began to say, " I work hard for my family, I work hard for my wife, I try to show how good of a man I am. I try to initiate sex and she rejects me as if I am worthless. I go out to a bar and in an hour there is a woman showing genuine sexual interest in me. My wife is indifferent to my sexual frustration. She doesn't care, but I am forbidden from having any sexual relationship outside of her and my relationship." This was not a good feeling as I felt I was attacking our marriage, but I also felt trapped. AND I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE MY MARRIAGE.
I started to feel as is maybe we were falling into another double standard. A woman is a person, she should decide when and if she should have sex, and shame on anyone for ever thinking they should treat someone like property.
This I agree with whole heartedly. Women are not property. Women and men are equals. We are all humans.
Let's flip this around though. I am man. I am a person. I should be able to decide when and if I have sex. I am not property to be controlled.
Some of you are likely digusted by this so let me quote the late Amelia Earhart as she wrote to her soon to be husband in a prenuptual agreement...
"On our life together I want you to understand I shall not hold you to any midaevil code of faithfulness to me nor shall I consider myself bound to you similarly. If we can be honest I think the difficulties which arise may best be avoided should you or I become interested deeply (or in passing) in anyone else..."
I'm not saying give hubby a hall pass, but maybe realize that though something may seem trivial to you, it may not be so trivial to your partner. It may be the most important issue in your relationship. Also if you are going to set a boundary in a relationship, it will likely impose pressures on that relationship in one way or the other. If you ignore these pressures, the bond you have formed might break.
Now again this story ends with me deciding to speak with my wife about the issue and not filander about. To me it was essentially throwing my manhood at her feet. It was difficult, but it helped us.
Her and I have always believed the point of arguments is to come together and find a solution becuase no one person wins and argument in a relationship. It isn't you vs. him. It's you two vs. the world.
As it stands, we have talked a lot about it. She understands where I am coming from with compassion and I her. Our sex life is improving. I can say that this choice to work together without question saved our marriage.
So I hope you at least enjoyed one man's perspective on this subject. If I could ask you to keep some things in mind they would be:
1: Don't try to win or beat his argument.
Either you both win or you both lose.
And
2: Even things that seem insignificant to you can be monumental issues to your partner.
Also, as for dirty talk and sexuality.
Plenty of women enjoy this and plenty of men do not. In my opinion I am very turned on by a woman who is able to say direct sexual things at the right time of course. I find the behavior of turning a nose up and saying "gross" to sexual exploration childish and sexually immature. It is a turn off.
Anyhoo, Woman up and on behalf of men we'll do our best to Man up.
With Love and Respect!