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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband sexually frustrated

71 replies

ovumahead · 22/05/2011 13:07

Hi all,

I'm sure this is a frequent comment on these boards. But any advice any of you can spare would be wonderful, as I'm feeling really fed up.

Basically, my husband says he's not satisfied sexually in our relationship. He says he's frustrated by the infrequency with which we have sex. We probably have sex about once a week on average, but sometimes we have phases where it's more or less frequent (at the most, 4 times a week, at the least, once a month).

I know this isn't as often as he would like and I do empathise with his feelings of frustration as, in all honesty, I'm not sexually satisfied either. But the only chance we get to have any kind of intimiacy is at the end of the day when I'm often really tired (I've been working 7 days a week recently).

We spoke about this the other night after he initiated sex, but I refused. He was really quite stroppy and said he felt rejected and that he wished he didn't have such a high sex drive. I tried to explain that I wasn't rejecting him but that his constant sexual advances left little room for me to experience the thrill of the chase, and that I felt I was always having to excuse myself from sex whenever I got in to bed, and that I didn't feel that was right. I asked him to back off a bit and try to let me initiate things sometimes. However, he said when we tried this in the past, we just didn't have sex. I honestly don't remember this, so can't comment on it.

However, during this conversation I realised that the way he was talking about sex was actually disturbing me quite a lot. I've felt troubled about it ever since. He's a very black and white kind of person, and I accept that but it is difficult at times as I'm constantly having to explain the subtleties of things (feelings) to him which can make our relationship seem imbalanced and make me feel like his parent, which I absolutely detest. Anyway - when we were talking about these difficulties, I realised that basically he makes me feel like some kind of object rather than a person - that he's frustrated because he's not having his sexual needs met because I'm withholding access to myself. Basically, I started thinking that he sees our sexual life as simply having access to my genitals and I found this very objectifying. Whilst this may sound a bit crazy (does it? I'd love to know!) that is honestly the impression I was left with.

Also, he often tries to talk dirty to me, which really doesn't turn me on at all. I know that might give the impression that I'm frigid, but I'm really not. I just don't like sex to feel like pornogrpahy, as to me is detracts from the real feelings of intimacy. However, he doesn't pick up on this, and I've realised it just adds to these feelings of being a sexual object, rather than someone he wants to be intimate with and close to.

I did try explaining this to him but he disagreed and said that one of the problems with when we don't have 'enough' sex is that he starts to feel physically distant from me.

This is, of course, about a million times more complicated than I've made out here, but I can't keep waffling on as I'm not sure anyone will even read this far!!

Keeping my fingers crossed for some wise words...

OP posts:
slug · 28/06/2016 16:24

Paragraphs Joey!!

Poor punctuation is a total turnoff

HotNatured · 28/06/2016 16:30

Joey's delivery may have been a little on the grating side, but a lot of what he says is true !

LilacSpunkMonkey · 28/06/2016 16:33

Now listen up pardners. Joey did'n' sign up to this here site to listen to us women bitchin' and whinin' about our little ole lives and our dang husbands!

Show the man some respect. He's clearly a rootin' tootin' sexpert, here to show us the error of our goshdarn ways and we'd do well to saddle up and listen good to what he has to say.

usual · 28/06/2016 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bryterlater · 28/06/2016 16:43

I notice OP hasn't been back to update us.
Must be busy 😂

usual · 28/06/2016 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bryterlater · 28/06/2016 16:50

I think I went out with Joey in college.

MistressMerryWeather · 28/06/2016 17:09

I wonder how many times Joey's long-suffering wife has heard the monkey speech? Sad

"Well now darlin' you gotta have sex with me 'cause I'm still part animal. A civilised monkey. I'de be out cheatin' if I didn't have any of dem morals or nuthin'."

adora1 · 28/06/2016 17:11

Oh you lot are funny....Grin

ABlackMan · 02/01/2017 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DramaAlpaca · 02/01/2017 00:34

Another revived ZOMBIE thread everyone.

AnyFucker · 02/01/2017 00:36

Where do these dickheads spring from ?

DramaAlpaca · 02/01/2017 00:37

They must troll through old threads to find something to post their tripe on.

Obviously don't have anything better to do.

TrippyMcTrapFace · 02/01/2017 01:00

I find zombie resurrections irrationally irritating most of the time and have been on at HQ for years asking them to come up with a policy regarding locking them. Especially the ones in R'ships which always seem to to attract dickheads/spellcasters/goady fuckers.

But for some reason I found: "His dick is not going to go away." posited by the delightfully eloquent Joey to be hilarious for some reason. Xmas Grin

MotherTeresasCat · 02/01/2017 01:08

They're googling aren't they. "Husband sexually frustrated." And google throws up this thread.

The poor loves Hmm

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 02/01/2017 01:13

Laugh all you like but I can guarantee you eventually another woman (who is not so boring or uptight and without the post mummy belly) WILL take your husband from you

Fucking welcome to if that was all it took.

It's not like there's a worldwide shortage of cock, is there?

(And I know it's a revived zombie but couldn't resist)

RebelRogue · 02/01/2017 01:46

Laugh all you like but I can guarantee you eventually another woman (who is not so boring or uptight and without the post mummy belly) WILL take your husband from you

And she's more than welcome to him and his stinky farts. He's not a fucking dog on a leash.

user1480613212 · 02/01/2017 06:37

Joey's delivery wasn't quite there but I can sort of see where he is coming from.

I have seen several threads on here of women who are frustrated & about to leave their relationships due to lack of sex and they all received overwhelming empathy & support. Double standards !

TheSparrowhawk · 02/01/2017 08:07

It's absolutely fine to leave a relationship due to lack of sex user, it's absolutely NOT fine to expect your partner to submit to rape so you don't cheat.

Talkingangela · 16/10/2017 03:54

Hi just want to ask for advice, my husband told me that he didn’t feel anything after we have sex and he said that he ejaculated but he didn’t feel the orgasm, Im so frustrated every time he we will tell me that sometimes im thinking of giving him up, it breaks my heart into pieces every time he will tell me that he didn’t feel anything after sex and he is not satisfied with me😭😭, please help me what to do..

Angelf1sh · 16/10/2017 05:25

Start a new thread TalkingAngela people will respond then. This is a zombie thread so people won't be replying to you.

Lavenderfly · 18/10/2017 19:36

I am going through sexual frustration at the moment, my DP seems to have lost all drive and it makes me feel rejected and terribly stroppy.

I don't know what to do about it, but it is making me miserable. It's not good for either side to be that terribly imbalanced. I would say we DTD once every six weeks :(

I thought he was cheating but he's not.

Lavenderfly · 18/10/2017 19:38

Wah zombie thread. Oh well, I do feel a little better getting that off my chest. (Because nothing else is going near it :( )

Dr32 · 03/01/2018 08:41

Greetings,

This was a most heartfelt disclosure that should not be taken lightly. Mind you that this is coming from a heterosexual male; raised by a very strong will women, and the product (myself) being a very happily married gentleman.

Let us lay a few things out into perspective. To begin, both individuals must agree that a problem definitely is present. Secondly, you both must want to find solutions. Just receiving some good advice, possible marriage counseling, and having awesomeness "make-up sex" will not fix matters. This will only lead to the sinking of the vessel which you both sail on in life.

Moving forward, both men and ladies such as yourself need a positive and stimulating sex life. We must all understand that we change every day and this accounts for odd behaviors in everyone's marriage.

However, this gives cause to reflect on both your past and what caused attraction in the first place. Just to point out a few self-questions 1. What drew your attention to your husband? 2. Was it a certain circumstance that your husband may have shown courage, defended your honor, or maybe he came to the rescue? Was your husband athletic, eye-catching, did he have epic good looks, and was he dashingly bold? Maybe he could have been the complete opposite; shy, meek, warm, sensitive, and a good listener.

I said all these things because we forget all too often what caused attraction. Trust me, not all people's lists so clean cut. But, its worth the two of you remembering what these sparks of fire were, and how to find a few new ones.

Now, let us focus on you. I'm all to overjoyed that your problem isn't that your husband has completely lost interest in you sexually. That's the "black hole" (the end) in many relationships.

Let's face it, some people have low sex drives, while others need to be heated a bit to get their rocket engines fired up. You mentioned that you work nearly 7 days a week. What deserving wife would not deserve focused attention, pampering, and warmth of a husband's understandings, that you're fatigued? Many so-called men a just little toy soldiers, when all should be combat ready to meet the needs of the lady of their life. It's completely an equal balance but, sometimes a man needs to reach for more than just epic sex.

In your husband's case, he sees you're not present, when you are around he wants you sexually but, your tired. Demanding jobs, income, and status have all been bitter situations for absolutely awful sexual habits, and failed marriages.

A questions that must be researched by you both are 1. What's more important; careers, children, quality of life, awesome sex, and let's not forget each other. I feel you both should have it all. I could truly write you a novel, and thousands of people may send countless suggestions of how to fix your current state of matters but... No one will ever understand your current situation from your perspectives.

There's no golden advice like more of each other. Time is the single most important thing on earth. You're not meat on a bone that only designated for husband's needs. But, like-wise you must also be a driving force that can bring about harmony. I certain you can do that.

A woman is a powerful element. She's wisdom, she's focus, and more times than many... A woman has had simple solutions to fix the most astronomical of problems. I'm sure I might lose male support on this comment, but woman was never intended to be second, less smart, nor fragile. All throughout history, women have been rulers (queens), soldiers, great thinkers (scientists-doctors-religious icons) etc. However, when it comes down to marriage, the woman becomes a captive.

In conclusion, know that you have strengths, and a full outline of the problem. After all, you wrote a perfect post. You both have a difficult list of matters to attend, and best you both find middle ground to stand on to resolve things. Remember, you both have a free will choice to remain as you are, evolve for improvements, or end on very loving good terms. Fight for each other, not against the other, and you both will be able to build new frontiers together someday.

"Coverings & Blessings"

Dr32

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/01/2018 11:19

Blimey, Google Translate is coming on. isn't it?