Anyone had an affair and not regreted it?

[kitty1]

I had fling with someone and never have regretted it. It helped me realise that my marriage was well and truly over and i couldnt go back.
By the point i had this fling my ex h and i hadnt had not been having sex because he had some issues he coudnt/wouldnt deal with.

I read some where once that when a woman emabarks on affair she has mentally packed her bags and left the relationship , when a man does it its usually because he is bored and craves excitement.

Anyone here feel the same?

Cetain posters have been very harsh in the past when the subject of crushes or thinking about (or acting upon) affairs has arisen. The OPs who have 'dared' to broach this issues (which, let's face it, is as old as the hills and will never go away) tend to be subjected to a character assassination, told that there is something wrong with them and they should submit to a counsellor who will then further pulverise them into brainwashing that even 'thinking' about an affair is wrong.

The reality is that very few counsellors, I suspect, would endorse the view that a person who thinks about being unfaithful, or even acts on it, is inherently a bad person with a perverted mind-set. Probably, they would want to explore the current relationship that the person is in and what might be missing etc. I guess sometimes a relationship simply will not provide every last thing and that is okay.

Sometimes an affair (physical/emotional whatever) acts as a catalyst for change - the person uses it as an exit strategy or, conversely, it is a wake-up call that the proverbial grass is not greener and the couple put more effort into their own marriage.

I think that it is very easy to get complacent in long term relationship - sometimes these types of situations are the wake-up call that is needed. My personal experience is that my long term patner is never more attentive than when he feels someone else might be sniffing around! Equally, I am sure that if I started to suspect his interests were drifting elsewhere, I would probably up the ante and get myself a little bit of a make-over.

Relationships are a little bit of a game. That is not to diminish the pain of someone discovering about an infidelity, but I do think that, once the dust has settled, this type of situation can be an experience from which people can learn. Not such a bad thing I suppose.

The thing is, tadpoles, is that relationships stop being a game when there are children involved....

Shirley, how do you know?

We are so far away now from the point of the original thread, although I like many others have weighed in on the WWIFN debate and agree that certain points had to be made.

To bring it back...I know lots of people who've cheated and some have regretted it, some haven't. Most haven't left the relationship at that point and some are still together. I cheated in a past relationship and felt mean and guilty about it, but mainly because the other person found out and was hurt. I would hate the thought of my dp finding out and being hurt by an affair plus the fact that it is undeniably selfish IF you are in an essentially happy relationship with kids to have an affair because you want to (although as i said before, these people are generally the ones with some issues that need resolving). But do I look at OM? Do I find them attractive? Yes, for sure. I am told I am attractive and get quite a bit of male attention. 10 years and 2 kids down the line with dp and the chemistry is hardly sizzling, but what's the point of messing up everything else in my life for a bout of mind-blowing sex? I have a very sociable job/life so do have to steel myself at times though.

Surely, you are very lucky and in an amazing relationship (or have a low sex drive or self-esteem) if you have never been tempted...

'You will be trained to leave your own experiences behind' - this is not strictly true - in fact you are trained to utilise your own experience for the benefit of the people you support and value the insight it gives you. Plus a great deal of self reflection allows you to recognise that sometimes your own personal situation might just affect your judgement and rather than leaving your experience behind it allows you to adapt your counselling skills to best support the individual.

However - this is a FORUM and WWIFN can post what she likes - much the same as any other poster - it's up to the reader to ascertain what happens to be garbage - and who are the main offenders - and reading this thread start to finish it's easy to spot both.

The ow with my ex's affair did leave her own (possibly abusive) marriage and is subsequently getting divorced. Perhaps for her having an affair was a good thing and she may have no regrets about her actions as her marriage may well have been dead.

My ex was having his affair with ow from when our dc were a few months old. The fall out of from the affair was for me extremely difficult to say the least. It was the worst thing I have ever faced. The advise of regular posters on here like wwifn helped me a huge amount to get through an awful period. I have had counselling since and that has also helped me a lot. But at the crisis point for me, when I was very isolated with no where to turn, I don't know what I would have done without the support that is offered on here. So thanks everyone who takes the time and effort to post regularly to help out people in similar situations. Your positive influence is huge.

Jo01 - "I think for the most part, no-one in a committed relationship cheats unless there is something seriously wrong, and from my very limited experience, it can either put an end to a necrotic relationship, or improve a flailing one".

I would say you have very limited experience because that statement is so unfair, I was in a lovely relationship where nothing was missing except a young woman massaged the ego massively of my selfish deceitful H. Dont get me wrong I blame him as well as her, but as I said before this has been the most difficult time in my life and WWIFN, AF, Cat and MN have been life savers to me.

Perpahps all the people that have taken this way off thread are on the wrong thread. Instead of defending the bloggers in 'your corner' and trying to make people who want to discuss this particular issue feel bad/guity/responsible for marital break ups, why not blog on the threads where people are discussing the 'cheating partner'. No two situations or people are alike. No wonder the OW/OM seldom pops their head above the parapet. Everyone has a story to tell, regardless of your criticisms. This thread may be distasteful to some, but for others it is a place where we can come and explore why we didn't feel guilt, either we are questioning what is wrong with us, or why when we have done something we would have a few months/years ago have stood along side you throwing stones at us 'sinners', we now find ourselves in this precarious position that is baffling to us. We are not asking for your aproval, or even your understanding, but there is nothing you can say that we have not said to ourselves. It is my very first day on Mumsnet, and I thought it was for real discussion or real issues that women face, not a witchunt. I am going through quite a bit at the moment, marital break up (not due to an affair, due to an loveless unhappy marriage), job change, house move, raising a teenager and having to deal with being single again. I was hoping this was a place where I could come for discussion/advice/support, but it seems clear to me, the only thing people on this thread seem concerned with is who is entitled to throw the first stone for my 'bad judgment' and the fact that I don't even have the decency to feel guity about it.

jo not everyone is like that - there are plenty here who dont judge and some who do, sometimes intentionally and sometimes without meaning to.

this is a safe place for the most part and you can speak freely here. My first husband had an affair and believe me when I tell you I hold no bitterness about it now. Im not perfect myself and who knows what will happen in my life or what paths I will choose to take.

i hope you arent put off, there are loads of really decent people on here, promise

x
deb

"The thing is, tadpoles, is that relationships stop being a game when there are children involved...."

I agree completely. I would always put the welfare of my children first because I would not want to deal with the guilt of hurting them in some way. However, there are sometimes conflicts between one's own personal relationship/s and the role of bringing up children.

How bad does a relationship have to be before it is the right thing to end that relationship because it might be detrimental to the children? Some would argue that if the parents are happy then they should do what they want - end the marriage/relationship because they fancy someone else or are bored and want to start in a new relationship because it is exciting.

Others would argue that it is better to keep a family together, as children gain security from two parents united in a family life, even if it is not perfect and the parents are a bit bored and maybe even secretly fantasising about the window cleaner/gym instructor....

Hell, what do I know? Everyone is different.

"Others would argue that it is better to keep a family together, as children gain security from two parents united in a family life, even if it is not perfect and the parents are a bit bored and maybe even secretly fantasising about the window cleaner/gym instructor...."

yes that would be me, not where abuse is involved but you know, where people aren't personally fulfilled or whatever

and also the hard line you must leave and be sure your relationship is over before even thinking about anyone else

breaking up a family is a terrible terrible thing and it's talked of rather casually here as if it's all about the parent and not the child

an affair is bloody bad news but this "you must leave if you fancy the postman" is mad

I will never forget one poster saying that a one night fling would turn 20 years of lovign marriage into a lie

also mad

Thought I'd better not read all the posts, especially since I came here via a thread about a thread

But I do want to support something tadpoles said earlier, which is that there is such a thing as an "exit affair". This is what happens when a partner has been trying to convince themselves their home relationship is okay really, but is unconsciously screaming "I can't stand this much longer!" An affair opportunity presents itself and then, in the dissatisfied partner's mind, their own cheating gives them permission to end the unhappy relationship.

Exit affairs rarely last long after their purpose is done (the cheater has finished the old partnership) and this can hurt the affair partner. But, generally, they serve a worthwhile function. The abandoned long-term partner may, incorrectly, blame the affair for the end of the LTR. This may be a whole lot easier than admitting the existence of abuse, disrespect, lovelessness or whatever created the need for an exit.

I could have sworn I've seen WWIFN recognise the exit affair on other threads, and was surprised to see her hostile response to your OP, Kitty.

Garlicbutter, good points there.
I think the so called exit affair is an imperfect but valid way to end a relationship.

Unfortunatley the nature of an advice forum is that the person asking advice when they discover their partner's affair immediately garners sympathy with forum users when they may be in fact a total pain in the arse / abuser .

Advice on mumsnet given to ANY woman whose husband has had an affair always starts with " NONE of this is your fault " . In fact though, we don't know that. SOme women are a complete PITA and I can't be the only person who knows a man who has left his wife for someone else and thought "what took him so long?" .

I daresay it is right and proper that noone here says to such a woman "perhaps you had it coming?" but you get the point.

I have always admired SGB's contributions because she at least acknowledges that everyone has a right to leave a relationship

Wow there are alot of really sad and self deceived individuals posting here!

How do people come to the conclusion that infidelity is an OK thing to engage in once we feel that it is time?

Where are you people even getting your words from?........."ethically upright non-monogamous relationship"???!!!

If you want peace and fulfillment, you need to consult the man who built your mind and body, He is the one who knows what you need and how you need it. and his laws will bring stability and clarity to your weakened and clouded minds.

Just because you don't "feel" that something is wrong doesnt mean that that thing isn't wrong!

If you want to minimize the rightness/wrongness of an action to the low level of how "GOOD/BAD" you feel after you do it, then you are setting yourself up for failure and ultimate ruin!

For you folks who are floundering under this notion that you are happy and unregretful of your past crimes against your husbands (and quite frankly against your own minds and bodies) you need to wake up before it is too late!

I must admit I did wince when I saw this thread title but I clicked it anyway. I found it interesting to see things from the 'ow' point of view I suppose, however, none of it really resonated with me.

For those who say being cheated on is not the worst thing that can happen.. maybe it's not, but it sure does feel like it when it happens. I even said to my dp at the time that it would have hurt less if he'd got me on the floor and given me a damn good kicking - and I wasn't exaggerating. The physical pain that takes your breath away, like being punched in the chest, the inability to function on even tho most basic level. There is nothing like the feelings you experience when your partner has an affair. I'm guessing that the only thing that could feel worse would be bereavement. Personally I lost 20kg in a month.

A year a half and a lot of hard work later dp and I are still together, our relationship is different now, better in some ways. However, the damage it's done to my self confidence is going to take a long time to fix, my faith in human nature has been dented and that's really sad.

Before you embark on an affair, think long and hard about what you might be doing and the consequences of that. Cheaters generally aren't well thought of or respected. Neither are they deemed to be trustworthy. That's in all areas of your life, personal and professional.

The support and advice I received from many mn'ers, including wwifn and AF turned out to be spot on.. even tho I didn't follow everything they suggested and they did get exasperated with me, everything they predicted in terms of my dp's actions and behaviours, even the excuses he would use and what ow would do came to pass. They were right, and it seems that affairs do generally follow a pattern, I've now seen it time and time again in other threads and there does appear to be almost a script that the cheater follows. I would ask that the little bitchfest against those women on this board who offer support and advice to those of us who are or have been on the wrong side of an affair please stop. It's not big and it's not clever.

grrr

even the most basic

Crispy, I really think you are on the wrong thread. No one is denying the pain of being on the receiving end of a partner who has cheated, but this thread is for those of us who have found ourselves on the other side.

priest thank you very much for your opinion. However as an Christian, who did everything right the first time. The first and only man I slept with was my husband on my wedding night. I remained committed to him for 16 years, although I am not sure the same is true for him, but he is too yellowbelly to admit it. Also, finding prostitute sites on our google history kinda knocked the wind out of me a little. I lived my Christianity every day, I turned the other cheek, I loved my husband and prayed every day. I worked hard, reading books, trying new things, trying to find out where I went wrong. But it took me having an emotional affair (which shocked my little Christian beliefs to the core, how could I, someone who spent 2 years in the mission field, be having an emotional affair with another man), to show me that no matter what I did, or said or read or prayed for, the man I married did not have the capacity for a lifetime commitment, he wanted to be free, he was basically finished with me, and I just had to go away. Did I know it was wrong, hell yes!!!! I have never ever condoned it, I will never condone it, but having stood on the other side, I can say that I understand it. Do I feel guilty, hell no!!!! As a lifetime Christian I have had my fair share of guilt fests, but now I am questioning everything. The last thing I came here for was a moral bashing, so thank you, but your opinion smacks of someone with limited life experience and tunnel vision. Just because you have not been tempted in this way, does not make you a master on this topic. In fact I would be so bold as to say your God actually brought this man back into my life . I was so hell bent on making this broken marriage work, that it was only in reconnecting with this man that I realised the marriage really and truly was over. If it wasn't for him, I would still be hacking away, trying every day, despite overwhelming evidence to make my marriage work, because I was a christian, and I married for life, and I just had to find the right answer. And you know what since I have left, most people have not been shocked like I thought they would, most of them have said I am brave and that they are proud of me. If it wasn't for the OM, and it could only have been this one, he was an old b/f, that is why I even let him into my life at all, no one else would have had a look in, myself and my daughter would both still be living our miserable lives. At the end of the day, the only thing I regret is that he was not sent to remain with me, I had my part in his life too, but in his case, it was to improve his marriage.

Crispy that all sounds horrendous. My mother went though a nervous breakdown when she discovered my father had been unfaithful. That was a pretty hideous experience for all concerned.

I am curious - do you think it would have been 'easier' if he had told you that he was feeling disatisfied with the marriage in some way, maybe initiated a trial separation or something (or even divorce) and then gone and had another relationship. Not trying to be controversial or unsympathetic. Just wondering if this would have been less painful?

I know of a family recently where the husband announced out of the blue that he was unhappy and was leaving. Months later he was married to someone else. The wife was utterly distraught and told me that she would have found it less hurtful if he had had a discreet lover on the side, as at least this would have kept the family together. The children felt completely abandoned by him and do not even talk to him any more which is very sad.

[garlic] and [bleeding] thank you very much for your very useful input. I agree totally. The exit affair saved me in so many ways. And it does cause pain, realising in contrast with the man you married how things have changed, how the man who couldn't keep his hands off you, now doesn't even look at you, let alone touch you. I have asked myself so many times what I have done wrong, why can't he see me in that light, what is so wrong about me that my own husband, who should know me the best of anyone can't just love me. It took the love and appreciation of an ex b/f to show me that it is not me, that I am still very loveable. I still struggle with my self esteem. I think I always will. But my EA is the only thing that made me feel like a woman again, wanted on a sexual level, appreciated for intelligent conversation. After being sexually rejected by my husband for over 7 years (or should I say used when he had needs, and then left on my own again), it was nice to know that someone craved my attention, cared about what I thought, felt and did, and even more that I had the capacity to feel again. I hadn't realised how much I had switched off my feelings till this man came along. As for him, yes, it was his wifes fault that he came looking for me. I know I am going to be shot down like a demon now. It is only when she ran the risk of loosing him because he suddenly had other options, that she took herself to therapy, stopped drinking and started listening to him. At the end of the day I am still alone, just now I don't have a husband to run around after and try to please. And yes, I put the blame partly on my husbands shoulders for me having the affair, despite my best efforts he did not value or respect me. So as you say [bleeding], things are not black and white, we all need to take our own responsibility for what happens in our relationships. I never told my husband about the EA, he just wasn't that interested anyway. When I asked him for a seperation, he agreed a little too readily, and was too eager to start his new single life. The outcome would have been the same regardless.

JoAlone, as I said, my original intention in opening the thread was to get some perspective on affairs from the 'other side'. With few exceptions it just seemed like a lot of people justifying selfish behaviour and then villifying those who dared to disagree. Says more about those people's characters than anything else I think.

Tadpoles it was without a doubt the worst experience of my life, and that's saying something. I had no inkling that anything was wrong, that he was in anyway unhappy and had he approached me with that and said look, can we work on these things that are pissing me off, or even if he'd said I don't want to continue with this relationship anymore, it would have been hard but at least it would have been honest.

What I got instead was him being off with me, gradually progressing to downright nasty, staying out later, lying to me etc but still saying that he loved me, didn't wnat to lose me, he was just having a lot of stress at work at the moment blah blah.. and then after I found out what was really going on, he ws still saying the same things to me, that he loved me and wanted to be with me and at the same time ow was sending me abusive messages.. at one point she even 'challenged' me to pistols at dawn in Regent's Park ffs.

I was ambivalent about affairs before, but now I would say they are never the right thing to do. Get out of your current relationship if you're unhappy, because the lying and sneaking around and deceit of affairs just shows you up as a bit of a lowlife and the hurt it causes to others - not just your wife/husband/partner, but even friends and family is just not worth it.

Crispy- I am not sure where your post begins and the quotes from the other posters end.

BUT, as others have said, this is not the thread for you. It is for women who don't regret affairs- not for women on the receiving end of them.

Your perspective is narrow- and you simply are not l listening to what others have said.

What the others have said is that their marriages were more or less over- bar walking out. It took the attention of another man to make them see that.

I would also ask people like you to have some compassion- it's all very well calling people low life- but what does that achieve?

I also dispute strongly the need to tell women they have done nothing wrong if their partner has an affair. Who knows what may have been going on? They may have rejected the man, been terrible to live with, unloving- the list is endless. The same goes for women who say they were a happy couple until some bitch came along and took their husband away. No one can take anyone away- they have to want to go. And all too often it was not a happy marriage- one person thought it was, the other was suffering in silence.

I know of men who were really unhappy - alcoholic wives etc- and stayed until someone else came along to jolt them out of it. It's very , very hard to leave long term relationships- and many people simply do not have the courage to do that until there is the prospect of something better- is that so hard to get your head round?

Getting on a high horse and saying how people should live is arrogant- and it shows a complete lack of compassion for human fallibility.

This is also a cultural issue- in France it is accepted that people have affairs. maybe the French are more realistic about relationships- they are certainly less hung up on sex, affairs and monogamy although there is much less divorce than in the UK. They put the family first- which means they divorce less, but accept that partners may need more than one person can offer.

Crispy I am hiding this thread now as I am incredibly hurt and upset that you would call me a lowlife. The man who beat raped and abused me for years and years and years is the lowlife, not me. You have made sweeping generalisations, which are based on your own experience I acknowledge that, but in all honesty to say that by taking love and care where I could find it in the situation I was in was showing me up as a bit of a lowlife is unfair, unwarranted and very very hurtful.