This is playing on my mind

[VictoriasSecret]

I have a good marriage. We have 3 children and I am a sahm. My husband is a good, kind man who works hard. We have always had a good relationship. We bicker sometimes but don't really argue and he has never been violent or aggressive to me in any way.

A couple of weeks ago something happened and it is playing on my mind to the extent that I feel a bit upset when I think about it.

I take sleeping tablets so sleep very deeply. I woke in the early hours to find that my dh had his fingers inside me and was taking intimate pictures of me on his phone.

He didn't immediately stop when I woke. I was so shocked that I just let him carry on which he did for a few minutes. He then stopped and made a bit of a joke about it. I said very little and we both went to sleep. We haven't discussed it since.

I don't know what to think of it. I feel confused about what happened.

Diggs i specifically did NOT say that what happened to her that night was "circumstantial".
the point i was making is that on the basis on that one piece of real evidence, a majority of you have jumped to the conclusion that he not only abused her that night, he is an abusive man who controls her in every way, has caused her mental health problems, and her children are at risk. She has said NOTHING else except that she has had an awful few years, apparently since meeting him (but they could have had good years togther before her PND we dont know that, equally she could have had problems before meeting him). And that he is a good husband, who helps out since she has been ill. But again apparently that is all more evidence that he is an abusive husband in every way, her marriage is a sham and she needs to get out.
Maybe he looks fater the money because hse asked him to - the point is we dont know.
Again what he did was very very wrong but I cant believe the assumptions that have been made.

ps have just seen you havealso assumed she didnt have mental helath porblems before she met him - We do NOT know that. All she said was she had a fulltime job.
Im all for making assessmnets based on fact, or even one persons side to the story, but we have so little here.

He penetrated her, whilst asleep, so she couldn't possibly consent as she was out of it on medication. He then took pictures of this assault, so he knew what he was doing.

I don't see any jumping to comclusions there. It was sexual assault, the police would take this very seriously if her MH team were to encourage her to report it.

Naturally agencies, would then start to raise concerns about the children, who note, aren't biologically his.

It has been said, time and time again, sexual criminals, don't tend to be that fussy who they assault on the whole. Plenty of studies on it. There are very good reasons that agencies such as WA ans SS, would be very concerned about person who commits sexual crimes on sleeping women, living with children.

This man has comitted a sexual crime, unless of course, you are saying op is lying for some reason?

A man capable of this, has skewed sexual bounderies, for sure. It's also abusive, There is no arguing that. So it's right other people have been digging deeper. It's what the Dr's will do and people such as WA, if op gets help. To help her realise.

The most abusive people, are always nice dads it's always a great relationship.

It's actually pretty disgusting that people are trying to suggest, a woman penetrated by her husband, whilst knocked out on medication, whilst he took pictures, is not some how abusive, or a crime. Lots of bleeding hearts, who think he is some misunderstood, nice guy, who made a lapse in judgement.

It's disgusting.

I have been lurking on here and would like to say, his behaviour is NOT normal. Midnight fumbles, going a little too far is one thing, but taking 'photos!!!
'Photos for what purpose??
I do not have mental health problems and have been happily married for over 30 years but if my DH, started getting the camera out(without my agreement and full participation) I would be deeply disturbed and troubled.

I agree far too many MN'rs are all too ready to shout "leave the Bastard" but in this case I do feel that the OP has a real cause for concern and needs help.
I sincerely hope she gets it and is okay.

the point i was making is that on the basis on that one piece of real evidence, a majority of you have jumped to the conclusion that he not only abused her that night, he is an abusive man who controls her in every way

He IS an abusive man Perry , the one incidant is enough to support that and you should know that the police would also consider this abuse , despite the lack of evidence of previous abuse. Once is enough , there doesnt have to be more . It also would not make sense that this guy is great , has good boundrys , is respectfull and decent but on this one occasion , for some reason , decided it was ok to assault her and record it .

Abuse does not occur in one direction only. A sexually abusive man is highly likeley to be financially abusive , or emotionally abusive . An abusive person has an abusive mentality that affects all their outlook . It makes sense and is supported . Ie , i am disorganised , i always have been . I am disorganized at home , at uni , with my kids and their activitys . I am not just disorganised in one area of my life .

ok last one.

I dont know if the last 2 posts directed at me but I have never thought for one moment his behaviour is nrmala. and i completely agree, as I have said over and over, this was a very wrong thing to do, and yes an assualt. and yes it is an incident of abuse.

which it was right to say she should take very seriously, maybe reprt, and certainly talk to her support network about. and it will certianly lead to doubts fo rherr
But the good advice has been overshadowed by people stating things as FACT that OP has never said or even hinted at. and telling her all those htings as FACT (ie your marriage is a sham, your children are at risk) is hardly going to help an already confused shocked and vulnerable person.

Diggs .. every case is individual to that case. I realise organisations/charities who help abused women have to 'profile' an abuser and generalise .. BUT they would never suggest what has been said on this thread to the woman concerned ... the advice would be on what the woman has stated and NOT what they assume her husband is or isn't, their advice on handling this would in no way mirror MN posters!

sorry crosspost with Diggs, yes this is an abusive incident but does it really automatically mean that is abusive across the board, rin every aspect of his life, really?
im not an expert so Im not going to say youre wrong but does it have to mean this?

Mushed , they might not suggest it , but they would ask relevant questions to try to guage whats really going on . If you are being abused you often have no idea . I once filled out a questionaire before i started counselling . My ex was emotionally abusive ( i thought immature ) and prone to bullying . He had never been violent . I came back at high risk and was advised to have a special alarm fitted and lots of other extreme measures .

Seemed ridiculous to me at the time , but no , they were right . Im fairly confident that they would be concerned re the children in this scenario. .

Perry , i am no expert , i would not say he is abusive across the board , but i woud pull my ears off if he is not abusive in some other areas of his relationship , whether that is emotionally , or financially , or whatever . We tend to think of abuse as screaming and hitting , but it can be insidious , and done niceley , you dont even know its happening . I dont think he woke up that night and suddently developed this mentality out of the blue , i think hes always had it . Abusers do not abuse in only one direction.

i think people have extrapolated from the information given.
I think it is possible to do this because as people have said abusers and abuse follow patterns.
People who have been abused find it very easy to recognise those patterns-As do I imiagine, professionals who work with abused/ abusers.
Abused people often dont recognise or admit to what is happening to them-or to the full extent-so this extrapolation I think is very important.
From the view point of someone with NO EXPERIENCE of abuse it would definitely look like huge leaps of assumptions and over-dramatisation...

someone has started a thread on this - saying that MNs are too quick to shout abuser/ alcoholic/ whatever- and there is a danger that the OP will be persuaded that there is a problem when there really isnt.

I suggest that there is a very miniscule chance that this might happen, but the real danger is that abusive situations are allowed to go on unchallenged and the abused unsupported- feeling like they are stupid/ being overdramatic, their dp has just made a silly mistake but itll be Ok 'if they just....'

why are women who are lucky enough to have not been in abusive relationships so reluctant to accept that it is so very common?

I would be very interested to hear from anyone with experience of abuse, particularly professionals who think that this women is NOT high risk and/or her children are NOT in danger

Thankyou BNE
It is distressing for anyone who has experienced domestic abuse to realise how little the average person understands.
OP, I hope you are doing ok and have some support in real life.

bejeezus, i second your wise and thoughtful comments. i was going to post something similar but you've removed any need to do so (very eloquently, too). i am just lurking as have absolutely no relevant experience, but am concerned for the op. i hope she's still around and that this is thread is helping her find clarity and strength.

BNE i stand corrected. if you, as an expert, think this a high risk situation based on this one incident then i accept that totally.

Beejezus, you dont know that i havent been in an abusive situation. nor do i not think it is common, i know it is. it just worries me that people who have been in that situation (but are not experts and do not have anything like the full picture of OP, will so readily make pronouncements on a persons whole life, having automatically assumed it is such a situation

But as I said, this seems not to be such a situation as BNE has said.

Perry, it is because many women have been abused here, and have had professional advice, or are professionals in this field, or have studied such subjects. That many know the score here. It's really not hard to dechipher, if you are in one of those 3 catagories.

You jumped to conclusions that people just were trying for drama.

I really do hate how labels are thrown around on MN, believe me, I also hate how some threads turn into man hating ones.

But here, those who are trying ot sympathise with him, as some misunderstood man, and having a go at posters for expanding, with relevant questions, are way off the mark here.

PM-no i dont know that you havent been in an abusive relationship; but i would bet my socks that you havent, based on what you have written here.

this was a genuine request for insight;
I would be very interested to hear from anyone with experience of abuse, particularly professionals who think that this women is NOT high risk and/or her children are NOT in danger

I find it bizarre that someone can disregard the gut instincts of maybe 20 (?havent counted the number of posters here) women who have experience of abuse; but accept without question the word of 1 professional

perrymason.....i find it most odd that you disregard the concern for this situation made apparent by many posters on this thread (myself included) yet instantly accept the claims of BNE as an expert???

how can you believe this poster is a professional working in this capacity? you just take their word for it?? yet no consideration or regards for others thoughts on it??

odd

(BNE,sorry,i'm not doubting you,just pointing out we are ALL internet sprites)

youre right ILT i have taken the word of someone who could be lying, it honestly never occurred to me that they would be.
i just wanted someone with the professional knowledge and expertise to say what they thought (i was actually thinking exactly the same thing when you posted that comment you have requoted bejeezus).
and i did not disregard ANYONES concern on here - I just said there may be a serious problem or there may not - I honestly didnt think anyone had had enough information to make that judgement and I was only concerned about the judgements that had been made, and how on earth they would be making her fell, in particular that he had CAUSED her illness.
I often read these threads (as I said in questioning my own relationship )and I know there is a lot of experience that would lead people to extrapolate. It just broke my heart that the poor OP ( who is already in a vulnerable position healthwise) came on stating what she did in the first paragraph and within a very short time had had a her life ripped to shreds. I have seen it happen before and rarely disagreed. But this time seemed different.
As you are all so convinced then I am obviously wrong. But I do know about abuse and I do think there are some astonishing statements on here (the most abusive pople are always 'nice dads' and have 'great relationships' - i do not agree)

I find it bizarre that someone can disregard the gut instincts of maybe 20 (?havent counted the number of posters here) women who have experience of abuse; but accept without question the word of 1 professional

Disregard the mob mentality? Dare to have their own opinion? ... How rude of them! ... LOL

But here, those who are trying ot sympathise with him, as some misunderstood man, and having a go at posters for expanding, with relevant questions, are way off the mark here

No ones sympathising with him .. a couple of posters have questioned why you'd assume something about him without any evidence? .. Have you read any of this?

have your own opinion ...fine....but to be called 'sick' because we have opinions also??

and who mentioned the word 'paedophile' on this thread?? mushed and moonbeam,thats who!

mushed- MOB MENTALITY?? - youve got no clue, you supercilious arse

Errr I think you'll find on page 2 the first post about the children being at risk

If he is/has been a heavy porn user, they can get twisted like this, who's to say your dc's won't be next, when assaulting you dosen't "cut it"

After that its a free for all

So what if I said paedo .. thats what (according to some on here) he's about to turn into any second .. if he isn't already of course

i may heave mentioned the word ILT but i most certainly did not accuse her OH of being one and i most certainly don't think that would be part of 'the greater picture' because of what he has done.

I am not disputing what he did was wrong...what i am saying is you all need to think before you go typing crap about someone before you know the facts. Stuff like that sticks.

I would also like to know what you meant by them not being his children ILT? as if that makes a difference and makes them fair game does it?

I will say for the millionth time, he has been a prick, he was in the wrong but in no way does that make him a peadophile and yes i will say the correct name rather than mouth or whipser what you were implying. Or are you going back on what you originally said now ?