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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This is playing on my mind

251 replies

VictoriasSecret · 20/05/2011 19:09

I have a good marriage. We have 3 children and I am a sahm. My husband is a good, kind man who works hard. We have always had a good relationship. We bicker sometimes but don't really argue and he has never been violent or aggressive to me in any way.

A couple of weeks ago something happened and it is playing on my mind to the extent that I feel a bit upset when I think about it.

I take sleeping tablets so sleep very deeply. I woke in the early hours to find that my dh had his fingers inside me and was taking intimate pictures of me on his phone.

He didn't immediately stop when I woke. I was so shocked that I just let him carry on which he did for a few minutes. He then stopped and made a bit of a joke about it. I said very little and we both went to sleep. We haven't discussed it since.

I don't know what to think of it. I feel confused about what happened.

OP posts:
mrsbunnthebaker · 24/05/2011 20:53

agree with moonbeam

sometimes, in fact quite often, posters get into a mob mentality and start making more and more dramatic accusations, all without any evidence I think they goad each other on to be honest

very sad for the poor woman at the centre of all this who is very vulnerable and susceptable to suggestion

madonnawhore · 24/05/2011 20:59

What is your assessment of the OP's situation then mrsbunn? What action would you advise?

Genuinely curious, not a loaded question. It's just that it seems so obvious to me that the OP's H is fucking with her head. Would like to understand how others have arrived at milder conclusions.

PiaThreeTimes · 24/05/2011 21:07

Sorry, I haven't read all of the posts, but I would have gone crazy if my DP was doing that to me! It's very, very weird and absolutely sexual assault.

I'm finding it very difficult to imagine how someone could just not mention to their DH. I'm not suggesting trolling, I just can't understand the OP's reaction, or lack of.

shesgotherlipstickon · 24/05/2011 21:46

Mb, what is it with people throwing around things they don't know the meaning of.

Libel fwiw, this is not, the man has not been identified. Nor has anyone said he HAS fiddled with your kids.

People have asked how do you know he hasn't or won't. That's again, not libel.

Asking that very valid question, because he is a sexual predator, who assaulted his wife, is again, not libel. Unless of course you are suggesting op is lying and her account isn't true.

Sexual criminals mainly, aren't fussed, man, woman or child. It's about the power. You obviously don't understand that.

Or you are deliberately trolling, when it's quite clear cut. So yes, leave the thread if you must. The only person with sick views and ideas of normal here, is you.

NotYourPrincess · 24/05/2011 21:48

That's the thing, Pia. It's very odd. Which is why some others suspect that there is more to it than just a night time fumble.

I think it's really upsetting and am actually quite worried about the OP. The very fact that it's been bothering her for some time means that something is up, surely?

VS, are you still there? Have you spoken to anyone in RL? Please come back if you need more help or support.

babyhammock · 24/05/2011 21:49

Hmmm ok
Not sure what I think about the middle of the night episode as an isolated incident as my boundaries are very messed up regards that kind of thing....so I won't comment.

But that combined with everything else does get my alarms ringing somewhat. At the end of the day isn't a genuinely good marriage suposed to make someone stronger. OP's state of mind has most certainly taken a huge downward spiral since she met her hubby.

Also the fact that OP still has no money at all of her own...that's just not right..

Then when you take into account his reaction to a) when she woke up and b) when she confronted him about it..... something's not right.
x

NotYourPrincess · 24/05/2011 21:51

SGHLO is right, men who rape women have been shown in multiple studies to have committed other violent crimes and acts of sexual deviancy. So it is reasonable to ask whether the OPs children are safe.

mushed · 24/05/2011 22:40

What the hubby did was wrong, but it could have been an isolated case ... who knows if he even has a sex life with all the problems going on ... op has some problems and unless her hubby lives in his own bubble those problems are going to cross over and affect his life too .. It could have been the once, he might feel ashamed? He might have carried on the night she woke up hoping for her to feel in the mood? .... who knows what was going on in his mind? ... oh hang on .. MN posters do .. he is obviously a control freak, he has obviously done this time and time again and maybe possibly (likely?) a paedo :-/

I really think the relationship has problems .. no doubt about it. the fact op can't or didn't say how she felt about the situation immediately says theres a big lack of communication going ... or not going on.

I think op needs to leave forums alone a while and talk to her hubby ... maybe there isn't a relationship to save, who knows ... but I for one hope she can get some of the comments made on here out of her mind ... she has enough to deal with and a few of you have made it worse ... really to accuse him of being a paedo is pretty disgusting ... makes me feel as sick as I did when I first read the op

AnyFucker · 24/05/2011 22:59

the OP's "problems" are going to affect hubby too ?

so his totally acceptable solution is to wait until she is drugged up, insert his fingers into her vagina and take photographic evidence of the proceedings

that isn't a sexual act

that is a violation, nothing sexual about it

it is planned, clinical and taking place without OP's consent

yep, that's gonna solve some marital problems

I wish I had thought of that, this "hubby" is just not thinking right

dead right, he isn't

mushed · 24/05/2011 23:33

No to you it may not be a sexual act .. it was the act of a sexual deviant, a control freak, an abuser .. next step would be rape then maybe on to the kids? ... But equally it could have been the act of a man on the edge, maybe hes going through his own turmoil, maybe it was an isolated act ... he might be ashamed? ... The thing is we don't know!

That should be remembered when dishing out advice! ... admittedly its not looking good for the hubby .. but to pretend you know whats going on in his mind .. to actually tell the op her hubby is prob a paedo ... hows that helping?

I wonder if shes actually lying in the spare room now with god knows what going on in her mind feeling 'helped'

AnyFucker · 24/05/2011 23:43

mushed, if you are directly addressing me, I didn't infer the H was a paedophile nor that he may move onto the children

read my posts

I also think you are also guessing what is going on his mind, by minimising what he has done

you mentioned rape, not me

but by definition in law, entering a person without explicit consent is rape

it doesn't have to be a dick, and it can be committed by your husband

did you realise that ?

FabbyChic · 24/05/2011 23:46

Hey honey how are you today, just catching up on your thread, and wanted to say that sometimes when we are feeling down, when our life is not going as we would want it to and we feel unable to cope, we come to think that we can never cope alone when in fact we could.

It's because we become conditioned to the help we receive so that we end up never doing anything for ourselves.

You need to set yourself goals, goals which you can comfortably achieve on your own.

You need to get stronger so that you are your own person again and not so dependant upon your partner.

YOu are you you have worth and are worthy of being so much more than what you currently feel you are.

Medication can and does make your emotions flat line when taking a high dose, I reduce my meds because I felt nothing emotionally.

First you need to draw strength from your medication and start to tell yourself you can get better.

Every day do something different for yourself, take a small step to independance to being your own woman again.

You can do this, you done it before you were strong once, you can be again.

Rather than let him take over and do something you do it, every day just one thing, then the next day something else, eventually you will be achieving so much more and be so much stronger.

Come tomorrow and tell us what you have achieved for yourself, baby steps, one day at a time. xx

mushed · 25/05/2011 08:10

No I wasn't directing it at you personally .. you happened to be the only one who talked back to me :-D

Of course I'd be guessing, thats my point,

Yes I know what rape is

glastocat · 25/05/2011 08:28

Mush in answer to your questions, no, no, and IMO yes. If my husband sexually assaulted me, which is what has happened here, I would know he was not a good kind loving husband and I would end the marriage.

Diggs · 25/05/2011 08:43

Concerns about the ops children are valid Moonbeam . Men who are sexually abusive are not particularly choosy about who they abuse . The only person whos sick in the head here is the ops Husband.

mushed · 25/05/2011 09:21

Actually Diggs they are choosy about who they abuse ... there are also certain acts one abusive man would find disgusting where another wouldn't. A man who can stalk a woman and rape her might also be appalled at the thought of paedophilia

Diggs · 25/05/2011 09:30

Possibly Mushed , but i dont think id like to take bets on where his limits are , would you ?

moonbeam32 · 25/05/2011 09:40

Diggs i totally disagree with you

I don't believe concerns about the children are valid in the slightest. I am not doubting what her husband did was wrong. I would be pissed off too. Again i have said all this but people seem to be ignoring my main point. How can any of you accuse this man of absuing children when you don't have the slightest bit of evidence?

The other day i read a thread where the husband had looked in the history and seen what his partner had said. Now what if the husband comes on here and sees he is being accused of peadophilia? No evidence and a hard working loving dad to be accused of such a vile crime?

None of you have the right to do that. It's not the first time i have seen a thread drop so low either ...within 2 pages the mob mentality starts rather than being helpful and giving advice which will help the OP.

Advising her he could be abusing the children is NOT helping and even the OP said she didn't believe he would touch the kids. But some of you didn't leave it there and carried on telling her he would.

Disgusting and it makes me wonder what goes off in your heads to go round accusing innocent people so easily. You may just be sat behind a screen absently typing away but this is a family you are trying to wreck.

perrymason · 25/05/2011 09:54

i rarely post for various reasons but i am not a troll and i have been thinking about this thread all night.
whereas some of the threads i have read on here (while trying to work out what to do about my relationship) clearly scream that an abusive situation has been going on for years, i have to agree with mushed (and to an extent moonbeam) that there has been a staggering leap to conclusions on this one with very little evidence.
i completely agree with the point that mushed is making, what the OP's husband did was very very wrong, but we do not know what was going on in his head, and he could have just been being a jerk (im not being facetious but if my DH woke up from a stupor to find me doing similar to him he'd be delighted, due to severe lack of sex, and would never consider it an "assault".) In the absence of ANY evidence that OP DH has ever done this before or since, to suggest that he may go on and abuse the kids is an enormous leap.
Again the OP clearly had a tough time over the last few years but to conclude, again on the absence of ANY evidence other than circumstantial (ie that apparently, according to a very brief post, she was a fulltime working mum at some point before she met him) that he is an abusive control freak who has CAUSED her to suffer all she has is staggering.
And the fact that she thinks he is a good husband is apparently only further circumstantial evidence (and yes i do know what this means im a lawyer), that he is an abuser.
We have had very little information from OP and now she seems to have gone, so I hope she is not reeling from some of the stuff said on here, she has enough to cope with. i just hope that she is now taking the good advice and talking to people in RL.
There may be a very serious problem here, or there may not, and too many poeples bad experiences have been brought to bear on her.

garlicbutter · 25/05/2011 09:57

Look, I once told the police about a sexual assault. It wasn't that awful in the greater scheme of things and I was worried about wasting their time. They told me "The MAJORITY of sexual offenders go on to commit rape." That's what posters here are aware of: somebody who lacks those boundaries of respect for another person's body lacks them completely.

babyhammock, I just wanted to acknowledge what you said. Thinking about this thread has prompted me to rework some of my own boundaries; good luck to you with yours :)

Diggs · 25/05/2011 10:00

Moonbeam , you are entitled to disagree , but as someone whos experienced these sort of assaults i understandably have a differant veiwpoint . If you had asked me at the time if i considered this sort of thing a sexual assault i would have strongly argued with you about it. I would have said he was thoughtless , inconsiderate or just plain stupid . I would have also been very very upset about any concerns being raised about my childrens safety.

But after being subjected to these horrible assaults whilst asleep , after realising that they were more about exploiting me and humiliating me than his sexual enjoyment , yes , i began to have concerns re my children . A man who does not respect boundrys in this way has a serious problem , and that was supported by the police , womens aid and my counseller .

Would you seriously trust a man who thinks it ok to molest you while your asleep and photograph it not to do the same to your dcs ? Whats the differance exactly between the two sleeping non consenting bodies ?

You say that you dont think concerns re the dcs are valid , yet we both know that social services would be alarmed by this and want to ensure that the dcs were safe , as would the police or anyone else . All these agencys are not wrong . Would you honestly have this guy in your house around your sleeping daughters ?

bejeezus · 25/05/2011 10:07

i can see what mushed is saying..

however...the first thing that sprung into my head when i read the OP (before reading the rest of the thread) was concern for the childrens safety.

I have read some thing which said that it is a common scenario (in cases of child abuse, not the world at large) for the man to be abusing the children whilst the mother is knocked out on sleeping tablets...and that the situation whereby the mum is taking the tablets in the first place is engineered by the man....ive had a quick google--cant find it now, it was some time ago, Ill keep looking, maybe someone else knows more

Diggs · 25/05/2011 10:09

Perry , you say we dont know what was going on in his head , what differance does it make what was going on in his head exactly ? Are we suggesting that he didnt know what he was doing , or that he somehow thought it ok ?

And whats this nonsense about circumstantial evidence ? He assaulted her while she was asleep and recorded it , does that not become serious unless its happened fifty times previously ?

If i wake up to some pervert recording himself molesting me , i dont give a shit what was going on in his head , i dont give a shit if hes normally a great guy , and i dont care if its my dp or a stranger whos just broke in . It shouldnt happen , and its not ok . A man who has to be TOLD this isnt ok just isnt normal.

Diggs · 25/05/2011 10:21

Bejeezus , your right , it isnt uncommon .

In the book written by womans aid , and the freedom programme run by womens aid , they detail the sexual controller , the man who will assault his sleeping wife , or his drunk / medicated / ill wife . They do this knowingly and often encourage you to have just one more drink , take a sleeping tablet ect . Pictures are not unusual and are often later used to blackmail or shame the woman .

There also keen for the woman to go and get help for all her mental health problems , the ones she didnt have before she met him , and for her to be totally dependant on him .

Womens aid have done years and years of research , they base their advice on predictable patterns and red flags and proffesionals who know better than we do . Why would they state there is concern for children in these scenarios ?

GypsyMoth · 25/05/2011 10:26

as an aside,op mentions they are not HIS children.

step children then

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