Sorry,this will be long,I need to puit it somewhere.
Some people will remember me.I am doing really well these days.I "found out" what was going on in my relationship with xp whilst lurking on the NPD thread.He was abusing me.I was pg at the time.
I had been spending time with him,on and off for 2 years,but got pg during a "passionate reconciliation" after a year of no contact.
Being on my own with 4 dc and twice divorced,I was embarrassed at the situation.I got sucked back into a short-lived honeymoon phase during which he was 100% charming and promised us the earth.He didn't move in with us,but bought lots of things for my house,and we went on a holiday abroad with the dc.We started to set up a business together ,a joint venture to cement the family.
When I first posted on here,I was urged to run away fast.Like many,I found it difficult to accept what now seems obvious.I took him back several times.
I was desperate for it all to be like the dream I knew it was not.
Luckily,he let his guard down in front of the midwives while I was in Hospital having dd.He really showed his true colours in front of them when I came home with the baby.I had support from the police and womens aid. He was told that if he ever approached us again that he would be arrested and charged.(I didn't want charges pressed at the time 
).A proposal for a formal contact arrangement was sent to him by registered post but he never responded and we have never seen or heard from him since.His family do not believe the baby is his,and think I am a mad stalker.(I have never met them,my solicitor contacted the only family member I knew to establish where to send the letters)
Just gone back to work after 17 months of maternity and sick leave.Baby dd is 13mo and is a joy.She loves nursery,all the older dc are settled and doing well. Things are ok with both my xh's and their contact with the dc is regular.The scales have fallen from my eyes and I can spot an abuser a mile away.
But I am haunted - and ashamed - by images/memories of some of the things that went on.I minimised it when I posted on here.I am ashamed to say that I did not reveal what was happening to me when I was alone with him,because I knew that I would then have to burst the bubble and be on my own again.With a new baby.He was ,at times,rude,bossy and controlling towards my dc and me when he visited us.But they were dazzled by the good side they were usually shown,and never saw what he did to me when they weren't there.They all had contact every other weekend and were away Fri- Sun/Mon.
I went into hospital a few weeks before dd was born.I told everyone that I had fallen on ice and was having pains.I was kept in for 3 nights and had scans and was on the monitor all the time.He didn't visit.That is because he had thrown me down the steps of his caravan,half dressed,during the night onto the snow.He then kicked me ,hard ,in the crotch (right in the middle) and shouted and swore at me,throwing ice and snow,telling me to f off.
I was not able to move for a bit and in the end I crawled to my car and stayed inside it for a couple of hours until I could drive.I was bleeding.I thought the baby was coming.I drove home,went to bed and got a taxi to hospital next morning.The dc were away.I told everyone I had fallen.I even asked a friend to phone him to "let him know what had happened".He told her that I had been sleeping with my exh and that the baby was his.He said I had broken up with him,despite him offering to "take on" my family.He cried.
Everything inside my head was screaming out that I should tell someone and get rid of him.But I was afraid to believe it was true.I cried all the time I was in hospital,but told the nurses it was because my partner couldn't visit.Eventually ,I told them that he had left me.I wanted someone to ask if he had done it - wanted "rescuing",couldn't take responsibility for myself.
No one asked.I took him back a week later.
That was by no means the first awful time,but it was the first time it became physical.Though not the last.
I really can't take up space listing and detailing everything.But some of these memories are really hurting me.I am furious with myself for not calling the police back then.I am ashamed that I allowed him near my dc- ever.
I am selfishly sad for my old self,who believed I deserved it and could keep quiet.I know I have to move on.I am posting this partly to be heard and partly to shame myself.