Haunted and ashamed by what I never told anyone....

[piranhamorgana]

Sorry,this will be long,I need to puit it somewhere.
Some people will remember me.I am doing really well these days.I "found out" what was going on in my relationship with xp whilst lurking on the NPD thread.He was abusing me.I was pg at the time.

I had been spending time with him,on and off for 2 years,but got pg during a "passionate reconciliation" after a year of no contact.

Being on my own with 4 dc and twice divorced,I was embarrassed at the situation.I got sucked back into a short-lived honeymoon phase during which he was 100% charming and promised us the earth.He didn't move in with us,but bought lots of things for my house,and we went on a holiday abroad with the dc.We started to set up a business together ,a joint venture to cement the family.

When I first posted on here,I was urged to run away fast.Like many,I found it difficult to accept what now seems obvious.I took him back several times.

I was desperate for it all to be like the dream I knew it was not.

Luckily,he let his guard down in front of the midwives while I was in Hospital having dd.He really showed his true colours in front of them when I came home with the baby.I had support from the police and womens aid. He was told that if he ever approached us again that he would be arrested and charged.(I didn't want charges pressed at the time ).A proposal for a formal contact arrangement was sent to him by registered post but he never responded and we have never seen or heard from him since.His family do not believe the baby is his,and think I am a mad stalker.(I have never met them,my solicitor contacted the only family member I knew to establish where to send the letters)

Just gone back to work after 17 months of maternity and sick leave.Baby dd is 13mo and is a joy.She loves nursery,all the older dc are settled and doing well. Things are ok with both my xh's and their contact with the dc is regular.The scales have fallen from my eyes and I can spot an abuser a mile away.

But I am haunted - and ashamed - by images/memories of some of the things that went on.I minimised it when I posted on here.I am ashamed to say that I did not reveal what was happening to me when I was alone with him,because I knew that I would then have to burst the bubble and be on my own again.With a new baby.He was ,at times,rude,bossy and controlling towards my dc and me when he visited us.But they were dazzled by the good side they were usually shown,and never saw what he did to me when they weren't there.They all had contact every other weekend and were away Fri- Sun/Mon.

I went into hospital a few weeks before dd was born.I told everyone that I had fallen on ice and was having pains.I was kept in for 3 nights and had scans and was on the monitor all the time.He didn't visit.That is because he had thrown me down the steps of his caravan,half dressed,during the night onto the snow.He then kicked me ,hard ,in the crotch (right in the middle) and shouted and swore at me,throwing ice and snow,telling me to f off.

I was not able to move for a bit and in the end I crawled to my car and stayed inside it for a couple of hours until I could drive.I was bleeding.I thought the baby was coming.I drove home,went to bed and got a taxi to hospital next morning.The dc were away.I told everyone I had fallen.I even asked a friend to phone him to "let him know what had happened".He told her that I had been sleeping with my exh and that the baby was his.He said I had broken up with him,despite him offering to "take on" my family.He cried.

Everything inside my head was screaming out that I should tell someone and get rid of him.But I was afraid to believe it was true.I cried all the time I was in hospital,but told the nurses it was because my partner couldn't visit.Eventually ,I told them that he had left me.I wanted someone to ask if he had done it - wanted "rescuing",couldn't take responsibility for myself.

No one asked.I took him back a week later.
That was by no means the first awful time,but it was the first time it became physical.Though not the last.

I really can't take up space listing and detailing everything.But some of these memories are really hurting me.I am furious with myself for not calling the police back then.I am ashamed that I allowed him near my dc- ever.

I am selfishly sad for my old self,who believed I deserved it and could keep quiet.I know I have to move on.I am posting this partly to be heard and partly to shame myself.

I have come out of this a different person.
I was strong before - but a rescuer.
And I think that perhaps a lot of my friends - definitely my whole family- needed me to carry the role of "rather impulsive,chaotic woman who has an unfortunate life"....

Well I'm not that woman now. I call people on behaviour and remarks.I avoid unpleasant,nasty,vindictive people who can only thrive if the conversation is about dismantling someone else (family again)

I have lost friends too.Probably because I have changed,and perhaps because I have survived.Some people can't get over the fact that I'm still standing.And that I really do not want to talk about any of it.At least,not in a helpless,miserable and complaining way.I am happy to be strident and angry.Or positive and forward facing.

But that hasn't been my role within many of my old friendships.

I wonder if some people would be more keen to keep in touch if I had fallen apart,lost my job and house and had a long period of despair,not coping?

I am cautiously trying to build new friendships.

Thanks DO.
I am into my stride now,hoovering with a violent swing,ruthlessly de-cluttering and rearranging,soup on the simmer and running back and forth to the PC to press F5.

MN therapy is the best.I will collect the three youngest dc together,later.By which time I will have purged a lot of this bile and absorbed all the loveliness from everyone.

Then I won't be feeling guiltily irritable as they all consume my entire attention foe the entire weekend

True friends stick around whatever and help you build and re-build and keep picking you up after each trauma even if inside they despair of you a little and dont know where it will all end!!

I have friends like this. THEY are my family. I have lost a couple on the way too, like you. Or fallen out then back in with a couple as I have recovered and been able to see how very difficult it is for friends who care about you to keep seeing someone they love angry and hurt and traumatised.

No wonder many practising, professional counsellors have their own support networks/counsellors to process things with. Friends don't have that!

of course, it is what family and parents should be for really - rallying round, giving 150% support and love and care.

My family and exh's family have just blanked us as you know. It hurts like hell for a (long) while but then, well, it just doesn't. I couldn't give a fig about any of them now.

I know who loves me and I really like me the way I am now. On the odd occasion when my father says 'you're going round the bend' I no longer go bonkers or sad for a few days.

Also, well they did me no favours when i was little, so, the way I see it, giving them a bit of shit now they're old an unable to defend themselves, is quid pro quo. Call it revenge.

(ducks for a flaming)

But I don't think you are "giving them shit". Just behaving apropriately in response to their mad and cruel attitude.

After all if our dc were having a tough time - even if they were acting "round the bend",we would want to be a non-judgemental ,safe haven during whatever was going on.

Like you and I and others,all do for one another on this board.

So far from being revenge,I would see it as the inevitable outcome - for them - of their parenting.Shit parenting.

No flaming from me.

See how far we have come?

Thanks (())

Hoovering is therapeutic btw.

Keep holding the past up to the light and turning it around like a grubby jewel, looking at it from all angles, examining it's flaws.

get to know it

then put it away til the next time. x x x

Two of the most awesomely strong women on MN. UA, such fabulous advice and such strong words. I love the holding the past up to the light thinking!

Piranha: what everyone up there says, you did nothing wrong, this was about him.

I suppose if we look at the experiences we go through, the big ones, the bad ones - the ones that I'm not admitting to myself yet either - they HAVE to come out somehow, we can't hide them from ourselves forever.

They are all in the past now, so the actual events don't have any power anymore, they can't hurt us. All we can do is kind of give thanks that we survived it, and that we are in a better place today.

Piranha, going over all the details is part of the healing process... I have just started the freedom programme, perhaps you could do that too?
I was referred by womens aid.
I have only been to 2 sessions so far and it has been an emotional rollercoaster, sadness, laughter, tears, anger and so much more, but it feels good because it's shared.
All these horrible things that happened to you have been shut away by your brain to help you to cope, I think you need to look at each one for the last time and then put them aside, then they can't haunt you anymore.
You are doing amazing, don't give up, it's really hard and some days it all seems too hard, but remember tomorrow it will be better and it can never be worse now than when you were with x.

humpty, what did humpty do? He did it? he did what?

we badly need a worried emoticon on here.

Poor humpty.

HUMTPY IS INNOCENT

humpty dumped that nasty bastard and is now so much happier

Lovely compliment from HerHissyness!!

looks proud,links arms with UA and both ROAR like lionesses

Bless you, you've nothing to be ashamed off. Quite the contrary, you've got rid of the horrid man and you are a solid rock for your children. You have to deal with your experienecs and your feeling so keep posting on mn but also make sure you speak to one of your midwives so that they can get you a therapist who can help you work through your thoughts. There's no shame in reaching out in RL too for help (which you have done by involving police and midwives already). Keep your head high.

Hope you're feeling better. A good splurge on MN can be a lifeline - it can right a wrong perspective during a wobbly Friday moment, and set you up for a jolly weekend.

And snuppeline is quite right. You are a solid rock. Your dc are very special.

Feeling more relaxed about Humpty. Thanks for update.

I am set up to collect the dc and go in a short while. Feel loads better,thanks to everyone

I just want to purge once more.A bit of a lighthearted take on what was not a very enjoyable time...but maybe it will ring bells for someone reading....

Another week away in holiday time.Supposed to be a walking holiday in the Lakes,somewhere I'd always wanted to go.He'd booked a lovely 5 star hotel,half board.We had a suite with wonderful views.During the drive up,he "impressed" me with anecdotes about the many other times it turned out he'd been up there walking - with ex wife,previous g'friends and with his best mate.They had done all the best peaks and had amazing adventures and fantastic meals in cosy pubs and posh restaurants.....

I was really keen to make this time his best ever.To "top" those memories....When we checked in,the hotel was beautiful - as far as I could see.But he was disappointed.It wasn't as smart as the ones he was used to.He told me he was letting me down and wanted to complain,to show how much he valued me.I couldn't persuade him that I was knocked out by the luxury.He began picking fault with every little detail,getting more and more cross.He told me I only liked it because "I wasn't used to quality and high standards".His ex wife would never have accepted it,apparently.

Nothing I could say would make a difference.He made a big show of being irritated at dinner and sent everything back many times .He "agreed" not to complain only to appease me,but made it clear he thought I was being ridiculous.Eventually,he left the table during pudding,having ordered something specially prepared which he said was disgusting.He ordered coffee and brandy for me and told me to stay and enjoy it as he stomped off complaining loudly.I was embarrassed and aware that others had noticed.

When I went up,he was so soundly asleep that he had taken up the whole bed and I had to squeeze onto a tiny space by the wall

He was cold and distant the nest morning and barely spoke.After breakfast (same performance as dinner) he "told " me that we were going to do a three peak walk that he had done many times before.Same exalted anecdotes all the way there in the car.As we were putting on boots in the car park, he complained that his back was twinge-ing because the mattress had been too soft.Walking towards the footpath,he started limping.I suggested some stretching exercises,and of course apologised about the bed.

Queue an enormous,raging outburst about how it was all my fault because I had wanted to put up with sub-standard accommodation....his ex-wife would never..blah blah....what kind of woman forces a man to go climbing when he's in pain....how selfish I was being to push him into doing really difficult walks when he was clearly unable,he had asked nicely if we could have a quiet day by the lake ,but I had sulked and put on a show, embarrassed him in the hotel,everyone was giving him sympathetic looks..I didn't even know how to dress and looked a state...what was he doing wasting his time and money on a woman who'd been rejected by two husbands...if only all the other guests knew what he put up with....I was "punishing" him for being older than me (16years older) and setting him up to fail so that I could rub his face in it.....

All at full volume.Right up to my face.On and on and on.There was - of course - no one around.

He stormed off and told me to f off and go back to the car.He unlocked it and went off with the keys.I sat in the car for 3 hours until he returned.I had no idea where we were,but it was high up and isolated.

Silence,scary silence then.If I attempted to speak - even to ask if he would stop for the loo - he started the shouting again....how selfish I was,ruining the holiday that he'd looked forward to for so long,paid for etc..what a lovely,peaceful walk he'd had on his own without my whining and complaining.

He went straight to bed - 4pm - and stayed "asleep" until morning,the room in darkness.I was afraid to make a sound and ate alone,then sat in the lounge alone,making bright smiley "keep away" faces at anyone who glanced at me.

In the morning,we left without breakfast.He was up and packed at 5am.We drove in silence until we were an hour from home (mine).Then ,inevitably,he suggested we stop for a meal.Another smart place.He then "broke down" and sobbed silently.He couldn't believe what he'd done ...how could I put up with him....no one else ever had....he was evil,ill ..hated himself..it was all projection on his part(he said)...and proceeded to disclose untold horrors from his past...how I was the only woman he had ever truly loved and trusted and that was why he was "safe"...but it felt so scary that he didn't believe it could be real,he didn't deserve me...he had to sabotage anything "perfect" as he just didn't feel deserving....I must leave him...I must help him to break the pattern...if we stayed together,he would have "got away with it" and that was wrong,he was wrong...I had never done anything and was an angel,perfect etc etc etc

And I felt soooo sorry for him.And sooo flattered.Me and him,against the cruel world.If I just held on tightly enough,he'd learn to trust and grow.He'd be healed of the pain behind it all.After all,I too was abused as a child,and I was healing,recovering.How could I turn my back on him when he needed me...and ,of course,my prize would eventually be a relationship with my soulmate,bound together by ties stronger than blood......

For those still reading without vomiting,thank you.It happened like that on virtually every occasion when the dc were away.When they were with me,he wouldn't often visit,but if he did then he would be my ideal husband,partner,dc father figure....I kept holding on,hoping that he would eventually be that man - "his true self " - always....

Oh god PM. How awful.

How bloody, awful for you.

I asked my therapists to explain to me how these people suck people in in such a convincing way, they are akin to cult leaders aren't they? And they DO suck people in. So manipulative, often incredibly charismatic, and such insane, freaky liars. It's impossible to know which way is up with them.

There are more of them in the world than we may think. Terrifying, dangerous people. :(

Am at work, so can't post in detail (nor in my usual sweary name)

I jsut wanted to add my admiration and support for you to all the rest on this thread

Your detailed posts are making me wince in horror, but I am glad you are able to tell it how it really was now

The bargains you made with yourself are a telling lesson for those who say "well why didn't she just leave him?" as if it is always as simple as that (I am currently having this disagreement on another thread with a poster who thinks it is so simple)

all the very best to you, and please listen when people tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of

your ex is a severe narc, with anger problems and a possible personality disorder, as well as a rapist and abuser (hark at me, the armchair diagnostician )

any decent person would be so confounded by all that, I am not surprised he managed to alter your perception of reality so profoundly for a while x

PM Urgh! Some men...... I've never had the misfortune to have been with someone like that. I have, however, had the misfortune to be with someone who ended up with his hands round my throat and banging my head against a wall.... But I digress. You should not be ashamed of yourself one little bit..... Its always the people with kind hearts and souls who end up being hurt by people like your ex.

I think you're incredibly brave. I like your house (although I couldn't live with the clutter - yes, I was on that thread).

I'd like you to be my friend - I think that you're individual, have a huge heart and are brave and you probably make a mean cup of coffee!!!

Enjoy your weekend with your DCs. You will be everything to your children that your exes could never be.......

Yes,just like cult leaders. He was so charismatic,and yes,the lies were so mad and it all blew up so fast from nowhere that I seriously doubted my own sanity.

And I think the highs and lows of the drama are addictive,somehow.
Certainly ,for me,it was all very familiar from my childhood.He was doing both my mum and dad - mother does the gaslighting and bizarre self obsession,father does the violent shouting and physical,sometimes sexual attacks,as if from nowhere - and of course,all my fault for doing whatever or having a certain expression on my face etc....

So no wonder it felt like "coming home" when I met him [wry laugh emoticon]

But he groomed me.Totally. I mean,no way would I have accepted any of it straight up.I had to be hooked in.And it was the belief in "fairytales" and "happy ever after" that did that.

And that no one in real life had ever put it to me straight- about anything - the way you all do on here.

I'm exhausted just reading that dear piranha! What an idiot. Reminds me of a scene that played out in the shadow of the Sphinx a couple of years ago, the screaming, stomping off. Ruining what could have been a delightful day.

Thing is, AF (wondered why the amputation it really IS that easy to just get up and walk out the door, it's only muscles flexing to put one foot in front of the other after all....

It's precisely the behaviour that abusers/narcs put us through that psychologically hobbles us. We can all sit here now, on the other side and boot our own arses for being so weak as to put up with it for so long. How could we have done this? why did we put up with this? what were we thinking?

Truth is we weren't thinking, we were reacting and placating. we were in a fog created by our emotional captors so dense we lost all reason.

Without that smoke screen, and had a stranger done this to us on day one, we, every single one of us to a woman would have told them to ff off and turned on our heels.

I'm only 2m in to recovery, I'm in so much denial/blocking mode it's not true. I can't deal with it now, but there is plenty of time for that.

Don't forget piranha that you got out of this hell, you lived to tell the excruciating tales, but you are here, you are talking and you are walking!

Hats of to you and to all the others that have lived through stuff like this and have come out the other side! Ha ha UnlikelyAmazonian and dear old piranha, what a totally correct geographical pairing!

) - there it is, dropped it...

piranhamorgana... For a woman who has been through so much, you're so incredibly 'together'. You been through a shit-storm, sheltering your DCs from any harm and come out the other side, in one piece, all of you, and I truly believe you have nothing whatsoever to reproach yourself for.

You will never fall for this man's lies again. Every nasty thing he has ever done to you has equipped you with the knowledge and tools you need to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

I'm crap at advice, but you don't need it anyway, you've had it from the experts here and it looks like they've done you proud. I just wanted to post and say how awesome I think you are. :)

I didn't even have to walk out the door...we didn't live together.I was always adamant that I would never live with a man again -.He used to propose marriage all the time,but I would laugh and say I thought it was best as we were...with romance(!!!) at the weekends ,and me and my dc together ,as a unit when he was doing his thing.

It was me that kept the limit on our meetings.He always wanted more than I did,wanted to visit on my nights with the dc,I'd have to say no to him loads.I have always (until pg) worked full time (trained mh professional of 25yrs...wtf!!??!!)...but....

Here's what I feel most embarrassed about - when he was doing the shouting,scary bit,he would say "I'll go and never come back"..and go out the door...and I would plead him not to go for good...

My fear of abandonment,obviously.But how clever and mad of him to tie me up in a knot like that.

Isn't there a book about 'Prince Charming'? It's all part of the abuse; obviously if we could see these bastards were going to rape/batter/emotionally abuse us we'd never touch them with a bargepole and thats why they pretend to be nice. They're not. We are.

pirhanamorgana I know what you mean about childhood and being in trouble for nothing at all, like having a certain expression on your face you never even knew you had. If I sat very still and said nothing at a meal (trying to be small and not noticed), I would often be punished for "dumb insolence". I honestly thought that was a serious offence in everybody's house but now I am old, I look back and guess that it is not. Helping oneself to veg was a minefield - would it be taking the biggest potato (you are greedy) or the smallest potato (you are selfish as everyone knows they are the tastiest) that would land you in trouble? To this day, I hate choosing food.

2posh, I am handing you a large glass of . Large glasses are the largest and the tastiest. Tuck in girl. I am, so very sorry you have to write such stuff.

PM, its good that you are reflecting on all of these times. Honestly. It is. It seems shocking and sets you back again to remember it all but really, if it wasn't so classic textbook abusive it might be amusing. (I promise it actually will be sort of amusing eventually)

some parents fuck us up, that is for sure