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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

IN LAWS moving nearby... need some ground rules

109 replies

catinhell · 19/05/2011 20:46

My inlaws are soon moving house and will be living very close to us. they are retired and seem to want to be very involved with us and the dc. sometimes their level of involvement can be a bit intrusive- although i know that their intentions are good.

DH and I had a massive row this weekend as his inlaws invited themselves round on sunday afternoon, thereby sabotaging any chance of us having a family outing before dh and i go went back to work.

now, theyve been round at our house loads lately and i just snapped. suddenly couldnt handle them being here yet again. the thing is dh, didnt wnat them to come any more than i did, but just can never say no to his mother.

i ended up storming out before they arrived and left him and the ds's to contend with the inlaws on their own.

i'm so worried about them 'popping round' all the time when they move here (3 hours on a sunday afternoon is not 'popping' in my book!)

i just couldnt bare them ever turning up unannounced either.

dh's mum is very sensitive and we've had 2 bust ups in the past where she has gone ballistic about things that we have done to 'upset' her.

so... with this history of over sensitivity, and a dh with no balls, how do i set some ground rules???

advice please!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/05/2011 20:50

They are not his inlaws, they are his parents... I presume.

seem to want to be very involved with us and the dc Confused surely it is natural to want to be close to your son, his wife, and their grandchild?

I would be very careful of being so obstructive and harsh because they could prove to be invaluable at providing childcare when you need it, or just help.

Is there a reason why you dont like his mother?

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 21:14

squeaky,i shouldve explained... by 'involved' i'm not realy talking about being involved emotionally / spending time together etc.

of course i understand the emotional involvment!

i mean doing stuff that feels a bit intrusive like doing our washing when here with dc and dh and i are at work. stuff that subtly crosses a boundary for me...

i am glad that the dc will have them close by, but it worries me that dh wont tell them that a visit is inconvenient.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 19/05/2011 21:19

I wish someone would do my washing when I was at work

squeakytoy · 19/05/2011 21:21

I wish someone would do mine, and my ironing too!!!!

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 21:26

we work very hard during the week.

we were planning to go out for the afternoon.

they decided to visit, so our outing got hijacked because no one dared tell them it wasnt convenient. this is the problem.

this is not about me not liking her etc etc its about having certain boundaries and finding a way to diplomatically explain them.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/05/2011 21:27

When I was working full time, my MIL (who lives round the corner) came round daily to let the dog out and keep him company for a couple of hours. I often came home to a gleaming kitchen, sparkling bathroom and a stew cooking in the oven. I loved her for it!

I told her she didnt have to do it, but she said she liked to help out and it was something for her to do.

A few years down the line she is not in the best of health, and I work from home, so I go to her everyday to take her dog out, take her shopping etc..

If she has a day out herself I go round to let her dog out. I will happily mop her kitchen floor to save her struggling to do it, or bring her washing in if it is dry..

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 21:29

i did acknowledge that they have good intentions...

you say that re washing and i mightve imagined i'd like it too but in reality to have someone handle your dirty pants feels a bit... uncomfortable

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/05/2011 21:29

I cant understand why neither of you are able to say "sorry, but we are going out this afternoon".. or if you had made plans, just give them a quick call to let them know you wont be in..

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 21:33

squeaky, i'm glad that you had such a good exp, but we are not all the same, and sometimes it is possible to experience helpfulness as slightly intrusive.

although we have a different perspective, squeaky, you can surely see my point re being able to be honest when a visit is not convenient?

OP posts:
Ponders · 19/05/2011 21:33

as far as the Sunday appearance goes, now it's happened once you need a script for next time - something like "oh how lovely to see you but you should have let us know you were coming, we've made plans for the afternoon now!"

if it happens more than once they should get the hint & check that it's ok in future.

of course the best thing would be for your DH to speak to them about ringing before dropping in (you could be doing anything! Wink) but I can see he'll struggle with that...

good luck Smile

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 21:35

x post. thats the whole point of this thread, squeaky. i would have said that we were going out, but dh arranged it on the phone without me knowing.

i have tried to explain. he worries about offending her.

OP posts:
freddy05 · 19/05/2011 21:35

The only way is to say. Your DH needs to tell them that even though they are living close by they need to ring and arrange when you see each other. If they turn up without arrangement speak to them on the door step but do not let them in. Tell them you're busy and it's a shame they hadn't rung to arrange because you'd have made sure you were free to see them.

We have a no drop in policy at our house my MIL thinks it's a personal insult and only applys to her it doesn't it applys to everyone and everyone but her sticks to it but I never let her in ever if it's not prearranged and I now, after a long period of time, answer the door say sorry i'm busy but please ring and arrange to come and see us sometime when it's convenient and shut the door.

I made a serious mistake with my MIL, I let things go and allowed her to gain the impression that she could do as she pleased and when I tried to change things she was a nightmare so please be fair to your Inlaws and make sure they aren't given the idea that they are welcome to pop in all the time when they are not because when you finally change the situation it will be very upsetting for them.

usualsuspect · 19/05/2011 21:40

You would keep your husbands parents standing on the doorstep Shock

I think its so sad that family need to make an appointment to see each other

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 21:41

freddy, i am actually quite a private person and really struggle with people stopping by without notice too.

not sure i could close the door on them, but could arrange to be 'just about to go out'.

the question is, do we explain the no drop in rule in advance to pre-empt it , or wait til they actually do it? which would be least offnesive do you think?

OP posts:
Inertia · 19/05/2011 21:42

Catinhell, I would hate anyone doing my washing for me unless I was incapacitated, so I can totally see your POV there.

I think you need to have a line ready, as Ponders says, about how you're just on your way out, what a shame, but if they want to give you a ring during the week you can arrange to meet another time.

You do need to address the problem in the longer term, and ideally you and DH need to discuss it together with the ILs, otherwise you run the risk of "Catinhell in getting fed up with you coming round...". I think perhaps you could say that you have lots of plans over the next couple of months and wouldn't want them to turn up unannounced an have a wasted journey, so how about if you ring them on (say) a Thursday evening each week to discuss whether there is a mutually convenient time to meet up that weekend or the following week. You can change the plans on a weekly basis so you don't get tied in to the same arrangement each week.

tallulah · 19/05/2011 21:46

Your DH sounds like mine. For 3 years in a row he listened to me rant and rave that his parents had spoiled all our plans Xmas day by just turning up (30 mins before meal time) and didn't mention that each time they had phoned beforehand and he had agreed they could come, but not thought to mention it to me. Had I been included in the arrangements at any stage of the process I'd have arranged for them to call later in the day, when it would have been nice to see them, and not while my dinner was cooking!

We have now moved right away and they can't just turn up. With hindsight I should have taken over the arranging myself, instead of them sorting it without me, and phoned them first. I always expected him to sort things out and he never wanted to say no to his mum.

You need to make a stand now, or it will get worse.

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 21:46

usualsuspect, do you work? i think that if i was a SAHM without monday morning looming, then i might not resent my sunday afternoon being snatched from me at a moment's notice.

why is that so 'sad'?

our working week is run to a rigid timetable. our time off is precious 'nuclear family' time. friends and extended family by arrangement.

OP posts:
Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 21:48

thanks tallulah and inertia, too for your posts. it is hard...

OP posts:
freddy05 · 19/05/2011 21:50

I would leave my husbands parents on the door step yes. When they come round 4 or 5 times a week 'because they are just passing' but always at times DH is at work, when they quiz me about why i have friends here in thier sons house when he is working, When they think banging on the window and peering through it at a mother who is trying to feed her two day old baby for the hundredth time that day and it is 10 at night yes I quite happily leave them on the door step.

Lets be honest it's my front door and they've been asked not to knock on it without arranging first so I'm dam sure it's not me being rude Wink

usualsuspect · 19/05/2011 21:50

Yes I work ..whats that got to do with anything? If I was going out I would say sorry we are off out..not make a drama out of it

I like my family visiting me ...different strokes I guess

Chunkamatic · 19/05/2011 21:51

Catinhell I can kind of get where you are coming from here, although I really want my in-laws to move nearer I know that the downsides would be the same as for you... I always joke that I would not be surprised if one morning I got up to open the curtains and FIL would be up there cleaning the windows!
The washing thing too, that would be the same. My MIL actually offers for us to take our washing 30miles over to her to do as it is now. For me, I'm not that comfortable with it like you.
What has helped me is being quite clear in a subtle way about what it is helpful for them to do. For instance MIL is good at gardening so if the weather is OK I always find a way to get her outside - she gets to feel like she is doing something we can't manage on our own and I get someone to do my weeding!
They mean well so you can understand how it is hurtful if they feel it is being thrown back in their faces. If anything my DP is the opposite to yours and can be too quick to tell them what they've done wrong. At the end of the day maybe your DH isn't as bothered by it as you are, it's his parents after all and the relationship is very different. Maybe it's going to be down to you to find a way to talk to your MIL and find a happy medium for everyone....

Original poster
catinhell · 19/05/2011 21:52

geez freddy...thats bad. i can see why extreme tactics were required!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/05/2011 21:54

I guess a lot of it for me is that old saying of not appreciating what you have till it is gone. I would gladly have my mum drop in on me uninvited every day if that were possible. And we didnt always get on, she was bloody opinionated and annoying at times, but she was still my mum.

One day your family will be gone, and your children will be grown up with children of their own. I reckon it would bloody hurt if you found out they didnt want their mum to come round and see them.

TheSkiingGardener · 19/05/2011 21:55

I would approach it as a discussion. Blame yourself, be sorry and contrite, but explain that you just grew up in a different environment and find it difficult to feel relaxed with the idea of people popping in. Explain how embarrassed you would feel if you were on the way out, or steam cleaning the loos or something. Then propose that you talk each week to fix plans so that you can see each other.

They will hopefully accept that a bit better.

Oh, and your DH needs to grow a pair!

Ishani · 19/05/2011 22:00

I like my family ...... That could be the difference US.

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